This is a diagram of a story, and the story is that there's this, there's a dharma, there's a truth, a conceivable, ungraspable, wondrous truth. And in this diagram it could be seen at the center of everything and all-pervasive also. It's the truth of the universe. It's the Buddha's teaching about the truth of the universe. There is such a thing as the Buddha's teaching about the truth of the universe. In the history of our world there's a story that there was a person who taught this truth, this Dharma, who discovered the Dharma and taught it.

[01:05]

It's the truth of the universe. It's the truth of how things work, how things originate, how things cease, and how things are empty. So there's this Dharma I can remember ancestors saying that we all live in this dharma and in relationship to this dharma there sometimes is a body or many bodies and the body interacting with the truth of the universe the body interacting with the rest of the universe the sensuous body interacting with the universe gives rise to mind. It's from the body interacting with the truth of the universe and with the phenomena of the universe. Our body, sensuous body, interacting with the physical universe and including other sensuous bodies gives rise

[02:19]

consciousness. And consciousness has activity, and the activity of consciousness is storytelling or karma. The activity of this mind is karma, which is a cognitive representation of the body-mind's relationship with the truth of the universe. Okay? That's a story about how stories arise. It's a story about the arising of karma. And I've been suggesting to you that if we're compassionate with these stories, if we're compassionate with our karma, if we're compassionate with the activity of our mind, then we get in touch with the mind, the body, and the Dharma.

[03:37]

We get in touch with these stories the stories open up and we enter body-mind dharma. We enter the truth of the body-mind dharma or how the body-mind is in relationship and in harmony with the truth. That's my... I've been saying that to you. And also stories dash karma have consequence. consequences. So that's a dharma about stories. So there's a dharma about how stories arise, and then there's a dharma that once stories have arisen, they have consequence. And the consequence of stories is more stories, and the consequence of stories is worlds.

[04:39]

The worlds that we live in are a consequence of the karma of the activity of the mind. So not only do we care for stories, but we care for the consequence of stories. So we care for the world by stories and we care for the stories that are going on now. So now we have a story and we have a world and they're working together and one's the result of the other. By being compassionate, by being generous and gracious with our stories, Stories open up and we plunge into the truth. In which case the process goes on but now we're living in the middle of the truth and we realize it and we still then see that the body interacting with the Dharma gives rise to mind and more stories.

[05:46]

But we understand the process now and we understand where we're living. We're living in truth. And from this understanding, again, compassion towards the consequences of stories comes forth. So we can be compassionate with our stories and the consequences and teach others to be compassionate with their stories and consequence. And that's a story that I told you about that. And so now I invite you to rearrange the room so that we're like in concentric circles. Maybe you people here could come over here. That would kind of make a concentric circle. Like if you sort of move over here. Yeah, this circle would sort of come over here.

[06:50]

So you're facing these people. Right, and if you guys were coming closer, we'd sort of be in a circle. Yeah, you can come over here, Kristen. I mentioned earlier that, you know, the acrobat said to, now you take care of me, then I'll take care of you, and we'll get through this together.

[08:48]

And she says, no, no, first you take care of me. First you take care of you, and I'll take care of me, and then we'll take care of each other. So, and Buddha says, that's what I usually recommend, is first take care of yourself, then take care of others. First check out your story, then you can help others with their story. Check out your story of others before you try to help others. check out your story of your relationship with others before you try to help others. And then Buddha says the way to take care of yourself is by practicing the four foundations of mindfulness, which are mindfulness of body, feelings, mental states, and then

[09:58]

objects of awareness. And in this case you could say, in terms of what I just wrote, check out your body, your feelings, and your needs, and your intentions or your stories. So before checking out your stories, check into your body and your feelings and your needs and then check out your story. Your story, your thinking, your karma. Another translation of karma would be, not translation, but definition of karma. Karma literally means action. But the definition of action is, the definition of action is story.

[11:05]

Your story is your action. But another definition of karma would be intention, what you want, your motivation, So in your story of your relationship with the world, there's an implied action, there's an implied intention. So if you have a story that you care for someone and they need some certain kind of help and there's no obstruction, there might be the intention to help them. If you have a story that someone needs help, but you don't like them and you don't want to go along with that, then the action might be that you don't want to help them. So that was kind of quick, but Karma, the definition of karma is intention, thinking, storytelling. And that is what you want, is the direction of your action. In other words, what you're going to do, how you're going to do it, where you're going to go.

[12:09]

And feelings are part of that, and body's part of that. How your body's related to other bodies, how you feel about other bodies, and not living. And then in that field there is a very deep intention that's to be discovered, an intention which is kind of there in almost all the stories, in all the different pictures of life. There's maybe one, perhaps one story that's, or one intention that's the basis of them all. One thing that you'd like to do in all these stories And that's what I asked you to look for in the beginning. And then when you find that deepest intention, then how do your moment-by-moment stories line up with that? Or not? So I thought, again, and I'm not... I'm not...

[13:18]

...creative about this and feel free. I just thought everybody maybe could just, you know, check into their body, then their feelings, then their needs, and then their, kind of, their story. Yes? I'd like, I'd like, I think I need, I think you'd like me to find something, you can have a story about a need, but I think there's something, there might be something below the level of the story about the body-mind need. But when you... Oh, yeah, another thing about that is that the story... I didn't say that.

[14:26]

The story is a cognitive representation of your body's relationship with the truth. The truth is ungraspable and inconceivable. And then when the body interacts with it and gives rise to consciousness, the consciousness itself is not a consciousness... of the truth, it's a consciousness of some other object in the universe. And that gives rise to an activity which is to create a story about the universe with which we arose. And the story is conceivable and graspable. It's a conceivable, graspable rendition of an inconceivable truth. And by being gracious with this graspable version, graspable representation of the inconceivable, the graspable opens up, and we open up to not grasping, and we drop through or pass through the conceivable version of reality into the reality, which is not a version of reality.

[15:43]

but is the actuality of inconceivable reality. So, to bring up needs may be a way to move from body, feelings, and into stories without losing track of the body. rather than going directly from seeing and hearing to feeling and then jump to stories maybe an intermediate state of needs might be helpful to provide continuity because the needs maybe are not so much made up they aren't strategic where stories start to get into strategies of grasping the need So I thought if each person would say what they see and what they hear.

[16:53]

One possibility is to say what you see, what you hear, and what you feel. And is there a sense of need? And then what action? And then is there some action? Another possibility is to say what your ultimate concern is and then say what you smell. Also you can say what you smell and what you taste and what you're touching. To speak of some physical sensations and then what do you feel? Like do you feel comfortable, uncomfortable or neutral? Or some other feeling? And then, is there some need there? And then, in some sense, what's the story? Or what action? What do you want? What's your desire? So you could put the desire at the beginning or both.

[18:02]

So maybe if I start, then maybe that would good to say something. I see some faces and they look, some of them look kind of like they don't understand what I'm talking about or they don't know if this is a good idea. And I hear that story. But I see these faces and then I jump to a story. So I guess I had a need to have some sense of what these faces mean. And I was feeling a little uncomfortable about launching into this new experiment.

[19:08]

but I'm wishing to do so, at least as an experiment. And my need here is, I would like some some sense of everybody participating at the conclusion of our retreat. And I want that sense of shared creativity and shared responsibility for what's happened here, that you share in this retreat and again together. And that's connected, I think, to my ultimate concern of realizing our intimacy. So, again, that would be my start. And you don't have to follow this program, I suggest.

[20:20]

But I am suggesting this program, which you can, yeah, even if you're trying to follow it, you might not do it the way it sounded like. to other people. So actually, if everybody tries to follow, we may have tremendous variety anyway. And for this event, you can kind of stay in your seat and pass this around. I see my happiness at being here and So because the rest of you are here, that you made the choice to devote yourself to Rev's teaching makes me very happy. the need that I see is for myself to have more leisure time in which to develop stronger relationships with this temporary intentional sangha.

[21:30]

At mealtimes, I feel myself hurrying to consume the fuel, and I hear the Excuse the use of this word, cacophony of sound in that dining room, which is so bouncy. And so I offer that my need is more than 24 hours in a day. My ultimate intention is to fully experience this life that I see as so precious to be here in this human form and have this life.

[22:56]

to be present for it and experience all that is this life. And my body is vibrating. My heart is pounding. And I'm breathing. And I feel my need is to open more to everyone and everything. My need and my challenge is to open more.

[24:12]

I just wanted to, this is more of, I wanted to thank everyone for just giving me personal gifts, because I felt, I was really, I really felt that it had related to a lot of my relationships with my son, my wife, and work experiences, for example, and also with just from everyone's contribution. For example, with my son, I learned that that's an ultimate concern of mine, that I don't want to have to regret not having spent enough time with him, spending enough time with my wife because I work so much. And down the line, I don't want to have to regret that that I could have spent that time because he's four now and I want to give him the gift of which I have trouble with but it but hearing everyone's discussion about their son it really helped me process that and learn how to do that more effectively and to treat it as a gift that I'm giving him not necessarily

[26:00]

I'm in control and you have to do this because Daddy says so, which I've been doing. And I have to admit that I've been introduced to this, to meditation, just for six months by going to Dharma talks every Thursday, but I really felt more of a connection to the practice I guess because it's more of a retreat setting and we have more time with each other. But this being my first retreat, I really felt a connection with what... Especially with... I had to relate to Elizabeth's concern about her mother. I have a concern with my mother-in-law. which I always replay a story of her criticizing me for little things. So in my meditation, a story would come up and I've learned not to add to it because then it would add to that anxiety and I would keep bringing that up.

[27:09]

So in my meditation, I would just feel, okay, what am I feeling? And that will help bring down that anxiety. I'm feeling tense when I think about that. but then I learned to accept that, that that's how she is and I can't change my mother-in-law. So that brought up a significant part of my, emotional experience just from your I wanted to thank you for that and also the contribution of our mothers talking about their sons and especially of Reb's experience with your daughter I want to go on now not thinking in the future that I would have regretted not being with them so That's really all I had to say. I think I answered some of the questions. If I haven't, I guess what I'm feeling now is I feel relieved that I wanted to let that out.

[28:16]

I wanted to thank everyone for giving me their gifts. I felt I was receiving those gifts. It took me time to process that, but I really felt that. And I have to thank my wife for getting me into this meditation practice because I was so busy at work. I really see that it helps me at work because I was so defensive before. I would deal with so many people in the day and on a criticism I would become defensive. But now I know how to approach that. If I could bring gentleness and compassion and patience with myself, I could deal with cold person that I come across every day, which I do. And I could, I really feel I could do that now. Just looking around at all of you first of all, I really appreciate us doing this concentric circle Because I can see all of you now whereas before I was behind and I could hear you and I tried to see you but it was difficult at times Reb, but it's also wonderful to see everybody here and as I look around I'm just so struck and filled by the gratitude that I have and

[29:53]

In each one of you. And. Like you're all. little beautiful flowers that touch my heart and the stories and the gifts that you've given all of us speak to me in my own way. But if you haven't spoken, I feel close to you. And sometimes I'm aware that words seem to get in the way of relating. I usually don't have to say much until the very end. Here we are at the end. But I want to share my profound and deep concern for life, and that is to return home

[30:57]

which is to die before I die here in this lifetime, and to be able to sort of melt into that space that I know inside of myself that is tender, gentle, soft, peaceful, loving, and to be able to stay there no matter what's going on around me, or no matter whom I'm with. And that's a deep longing that I have, and I really believe that that's why I'm here, not here in this retreat, but here. And the challenge for me with it... When I get into personal interactions, there's something, the stories that come up for me often block me from being able to stay in that very precious spot. And I so much want to be able to be in that spot because I know by me being in that space, hopefully more access to that space being for all of you.

[32:05]

And I want to share that. So my challenge is two challenges. One is to continue to do my practice that allows me to become more knowing of that peaceful, blissful place And at the same time to find ways to break through my own anxiety or nervousness in terms of what happens to me when I start relating to others so that that doesn't have to block me from sharing what I want to share. That's all. I'm feeling a lot of vitality or vital energy in my body right now.

[33:35]

But also some which is a very old pattern for me. And the vitality feels really good. And the tension, when I can notice it, I really don't like it. And I hadn't needs around this before. The first need that comes is I want relief from my tension. But just in the last few minutes, it's come to me that underneath that is what I want.

[34:40]

Cooperation or harmony or that we support each other and work together in this life. And that's more what's underneath that. That we can live together without harming each other. When you asked about what is our deepest need, what comes to me is peace related to this struggle with tension and closeness. But maybe peace is just the first layer there, but It's really living together without arming each other. At the beginning of this retreat, Reb said about giving Joe to Joe, which I've heard many times, and it's been rather mysterious.

[36:00]

But this time, it's somehow sinking in more, and I have some current struggles that this kind of speaks to, that something I can attach it to. And I think it's important for me. And I realized just a few minutes ago, I learned this lesson before in a different venue, which I'd like to describe briefly. Years ago when I was driving, I was usually upset and angry and tense and rigid about other drivers' misbehavior and doing bad things and dangerous things and so on. And maybe 10 years ago or so, with a lot of help and coaching and support, somehow I was able to come to the place to see that that's the way cars and drivers act.

[37:14]

Actually. They behave unpredictably. They do dangerous things. There's chaos and anything can happen. And that's actually the way it is. And we resisting that, getting angry, it just wasn't necessary. Because it was about, they shouldn't do this. And I'm angry about that. But just to see that that's what cars do. And we have stories about, you know, they're confused, they're talking on the phone, they're drunk, whatever. But that's just how it happens. And so through this kind of coming to this, seeing this, I could fit in with the program.

[38:23]

And so I've learned how, more or less, to now have to be more alert. And to just actually see what's happening. Because before I could just say, well, people stay in their lanes and they drive safely and they know that I'm here because they're looking and so on. So I didn't have to actually show up. And now I have to be alert. I want to be alert. And ready to deal with whatever dance comes my way. And when I can do that, I don't get angry. And actually, I'm safer too. Because before, I used to actually be a more dangerous driver because I was fighting what was happening. And now, if somebody's coming at me, you know, well, we'll all move out of the way.

[39:27]

So it's kind of a miracle that by seeing how things and letting them be the way they actually are, my problem disappears. And so now I think I'm ready to try that with people, which is my biggest challenge. Try to let Joe be Joe. instead of knowing how Joe should be different. So that's what I'm taking with me from here. And I think it helps me to see that I've learned this lesson in an easier way. So it gives me some confidence that this way is a good way. I want to thank Nelson.

[40:40]

Going straight into what he wanted to say without following the format, because it freed me from my irritation with being given dictated formats, which I know we're offerings. But it's a gift I have difficulty with. It's verbal. If it's physical, I'm up for the program. But when it's... This is the outline of what you'll say. I tense up. And also... I recently became a mother-in-law in June and so much of the conversation, and my daughter's about to turn 40, so much of the conversation about parent-child relations of various ages brought up many thoughts and memories and ideas and feelings about my relationship with my daughter and my new son-in-law, which is inconceivable really that I have a son-in-law. And I appreciate the relation to that. I think it's very helpful.

[41:42]

And my hands got a little clammy when the microphone went to Keith, and then when the microphone went to Dale, I got tears behind my eyes. And then I checked out for a little while, and then I checked back in again. And... I don't... Well... When asked the question a long time ago, the first time I heard the question about the ultimate concern, when Reb brought it up at the beginning, it reflected on what my original responses had been and how it took me really quite a while to find the language that I could use to express something that seemed to be true for all my deluded efforts from, you know, when I was an anxious child to... to my efforts as a Zen student. And that would include all of those, honestly.

[42:45]

And the word that came forth was non-separation. And it included It meant in the sense of realizing non-separation, and it included my first responses. My intellectual thought was surely the correct answer was, and I couldn't articulate this at the time because I felt it was too grand. The words were too grand, and I couldn't really say them. which was complete, perfect enlightenment. And I felt that that was actually the ultimate concern of everything, every existent thing. We don't know it. We can't get it. It's too far. We don't know. But I thought that was my intellectual idea of the correct answer. But my heart's answer was, and I remember saying this to Rev. Dobson, well, it has something to do with truth and love. But I couldn't say truth and love. It has something to do with But I wasn't ready to say that was it, because I needed to find something that really covered my destructive efforts that were also seeking non-separation, all my seeking of non-separation.

[43:53]

And so that included various kinds of addictions, especially alcohol. We've heard some things about addiction here, and I just wanted to say that sometimes addiction, at least in my experience and observation, doesn't seem like it's always trying to assuage or dull or, you know, bury a feeling. It's often trying to find it, trying to find it. forward. And all the recoveries that I'm aware of as working are ones that encourage flexibility and expression. So I think, and one of the things I knew in that recovery and that other people have felt in that recovery is, well, this is so beneficial. It shouldn't just be for addicts and alcoholics, everybody. And actually, I feel like a lot of the teachings that Reb gives and that we practice and study with him, in a way are offering that in the language and in a form that is for everybody, not just for people with obviously destructive addictions.

[44:57]

So that's my offering and my... My hands are still kind of sweaty. But I'm glad I expressed myself. Well, my breathing changed as I took the microphone. It got more shallow. I came back from breakfast with a story in my mind of what I wanted to say, and when Reb was suggesting that format, I was one of the people making a face because I wasn't sure how I could that format. Fortunately, I've forgotten the format, so I'm just going to... First, I want to confess, though, that this morning when Reb said that he remembered on Friday that someone had said that their deepest intention was to realize non-separation, I wanted Reb to say, Stephen said that on Friday.

[46:05]

So it was clearly not a freely given gift. It had a little label on it that said, from Stephen, do not remove. But I want to express appreciation for this group and these circumstances. I'm more used to practicing in more formal circumstances. And if you're not familiar with the big zendos, the big zen centers, there's a kind of a daunting, imposing formality in those places that, for me, is inviviality hard to come by. So to practice in a less formal circumstance where conviviality and practice can intermingle more is a relief, very helpful.

[47:14]

And it gives me a little bit of a glow that I can hopefully take back to the circumstances. I was thinking, too, that in the Zendo, it's sort of like everybody agrees that they're going to be obsessive-compulsive for however long they're in that Zendo. It becomes very important that everything's in its place and everything's at a right angle. I realized it was kind of important at the time. So it's kind of fun, I thought, we're in this room practicing higgledy-piggledy Zen together. And I like that. At least some of the time I like that. A lot of faces. It's hard to take in all these faces at the same time. In fact, impossible, actually, to take in all these faces at the same time. Some of which I've spoken with this weekend and some of which I've not. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Unlike you, Keith, quiet to the end.

[48:33]

I carry home a rich tapestry from this meeting. I'm feeling very shaky, almost on fire, with humility and interest and thanks from all of you. I thought of a card that June and I bought several years ago. The card is of an old man laying in his deathbed, and he is wrapped in a quilt. He's smiling, he's fresh, but he's most beautiful. And I imagined, what is this quilt? And I thought, I projected, Every piece on this quilt is a memory of his life.

[49:36]

What are the memories? The memories I hoped would be that of love and life and connection. And it tied to a story because I have one I'd like to share and it has to do with my mother and me and a caterpillar. And I think I was only about five and I would want to put this piece on my quilt. I watched this caterpillar crawl up our fence. Stay there. And I didn't know what was happening. So I went on with my life. My mother said I should check it out. What happened? I went back, and I saw this cocoon. And I wanted to open it.

[50:40]

She said, no, don't open it. Be patient. Wait, and something beautiful will happen. Well, it was like Christmas to me. I felt like, I just want to open this thing. But it was too high. Mom would be upset. So I let it be. And I eventually forgot about it. But I think she kept checking. And one day, she said, you ought to go check out that cocoon. So I went back and I looked and it was opened. And I was outraged. Where's the gift? And I went into my mother and I was angry and I was blaming her, who else? And she picked me up and she brought me out to the fence and she raised me up and there was this beautiful butterfly becoming acclimated to the universe.

[51:43]

I had forgotten that story for many, many years. For some reason, maybe it was the few weeks back in her yard or whatever, I remembered that story and I called it Grace Unfolding. And it sort of felt like a metaphor for my life. If I can just and not get in its way, I can remain and become the quilt or the old man with the quilt. That's what I want to work on. That's what I like to work on in my practice. Treat each person with the respect and love that they deserve. And I hope someday I can do that with myself as well.

[52:50]

I want to thank you all for listening to me and thank you for sharing. I'm so appreciative and grateful for what it feels as if we have together woven kind of basket that's been a very safe cocoon, if you will, for learning how to treat and our stories and each other. in a different way. And the tools that Rev's given us feel very visceral to me.

[53:55]

Being tender is more raw somehow than having compassion for. For me, I'm realizing that compassion I can stand back a little bit and be compassionate for, but being compassionate seems more like an intermediate step that I can take. And it's visceral. And I have these tools now of being able to stop and ask myself, am I being upright in this situation? And what's been so helpful in this retreat time is that because we can talk and because there are other people here for other retreats and providing us food and cleaning and all the activities that are going on here, it's a little microcosm anyway of day-to-day life.

[55:11]

which for me is a difficult thing of being in a beautiful place and then suddenly back into the city and into the drugstore and it all comes kind of crashing in. But it's been helpful to just in some very small situation Someone steps in front of me when I had my cup ready to go for the hot water. Oh, can I be tender with this person? Can I not resent them for shoving ahead of me? And so it's been good to hear the teachings and immediately, constantly be able to be practicing them while here. And I'm grateful to all of you for participating in that, making it possible. I would just like to share, last night when I was going to bed I had like a psychedelic Reb Anderson trip.

[56:32]

I've never used drugs, I've never been able to get away with it, but I had this image of your and it was going from something like being an infant to a really old man and then you were like turning and you had a million different expressions coming through your face. So at first it was a little much, and so I tried to lean away from it, and it got more intense. And then it must be a practice. And the frogs were outside, and I'm like, maybe if I put my earplugs in, I won't hear the frogs, and this image stuff will go away. So then I put my earplugs in, and I said, no, that's not going to work. So I took the earplugs out, I closed my eyes, and your face was still there, transmuting itself. When I just accepted it, it was just amazing. It was just really beautiful. You have a very beautiful face, and thank you for that kiss. It was the special effects Stephen and I were talking about.

[57:41]

So I feel really grateful. to be here and for everyone's presence here. And I have a need to ask if I can give you a gift. Okay. And then I'm done, so... I'm really concerned that you didn't get enough food here. Because every time we would go to food, you would go in with someone. So I brought you a persimmon. And then I have... This is... a book that my oldest sister wrote about St. Benedict. And he was a very holy man. And when I read this book, I felt as though I received a transmission. And I just feel like every time I read it, I feel a sense of transmission. Thank you for your expression.

[59:11]

I hope you continue. Do you want to? I would like to go back to... Well, I usually cry, and so I'm crying with you, but at least for me. Thank you. I'm feeling a combination of relaxed and tensed. mainly relaxed. And normally I have no stories or speaking here. And I'm aware this time that I don't feel that need.

[60:12]

I had a need to talk something over with Reb, which I did and it was wonderful. I think underneath the feeling is, is it okay not to be responsible and contribute the way other people have this time? And it's to let myself... Do that. And I certainly appreciate everybody's input. And I know how scary it is to go up there and do that. And I just thank you. And every time I come here, I just get so much. That's it. It's not going to get any closer to me, so I haven't spoken. But I wanted to thank everyone for being part of my weekend that I'm taking care of myself.

[61:16]

I'm in a position where I take care of a lot of people, and I feel that my need's been met this weekend. I do appreciate everyone, and I appreciate Rev. This is the second workshop we've had together, and I just wanted to say thank you to everyone. And to me, it's really wonderful that you come with your mother, with your daughter. It's so lovely. I've been thinking about my highest aspiration, and all of you talk. I'm always amazed with the depth and the sincerity of all your commitments, and it feels really wonderful to see this commitment to waking up, which is just coming from everywhere.

[62:20]

Everyone speaks differently, and I guess I used to have in my mind an idea of some people are very advanced and some are sort of beginners and, you know, and Reb is, you know, kind of the leader. And now it seems like Parada is waking up together, you know. It's just everyone is really experiencing that I just love and want to share with everyone. And I guess this comes to my highest aspiration, which is to wake up with all of you, that we can all help free each other from our suffering and realize the wonderful we're in. connection of all of you feels like coming home in some way, you know, to the deepest part of what I am and the deepest part of what all of us are. I guess right now I'm also feeling like a little tense.

[63:28]

Where am I going to go now? Which way am I going to drive home? Am I going to get my room packed up in time? I always do that at the end of retreats. And I'm trying to sit and be kind of generous with my fears. And I feel this tremendous sense of just gratitude and connection to all of you, and I just want to thank you so much. Thank you. This may sound a little bit silly, but the thing I've been noticing as people have been talking is that they've been talking in complete sentences. I've been doing transcription work. And find myself very frustrated with people asking questions in kind of a halting, incomplete,

[64:34]

phrases. You get three words and then the thought shifts. Three more words and they can't kind of track it. But I've been listening to people talk and when they're speaking in this format and about their feelings, I'm hearing complete sentences, complete thoughts. That's just something I was noticing as Listening to people. But it feels like listening to complete sentences where there's this connection going on, which I appreciate. And I guess I also, as one other thought here, maybe... I wanted to express appreciation for REB focusing us on this issue of ultimate concern. I was realizing today that I have been feeling an ultimate concern without putting a

[65:39]

for a long time that just sort of feels like a deep anxiousness of something missing, something that can't be connected to. And so by bringing a name to it and trying to start looking at it, my my description of it for the moment is a wish to help all beings, but a challenge in my storybook as to how I can do that. So I have something to work on and something to learn. I have a way of understanding this deep feeling and to kind of, rather than ignoring it and letting it go away or just kind of be there in the background as an uneasiness, I can look at it and let it come up. Well, I have two ultimate concerns.

[66:42]

The first is my Bodhisattva vow to save all beings. And the second is to never have to speak in public through a microphone. So I'm feeling really anxious. And here's a gift for you, Reb. Very annoyed at having to do this. But I do since have to do it. How much I appreciate each and every one of you.

[67:44]

How I love coming to Mount Madonna. I don't love the food, but I do love the experience of sharing this time with you. Thanks. Well, I'd like to first start out saying that I appreciate your patience with my hearing. Friday night I thought, well, I guess this is the last time I'm going to come because I just don't hear very well anymore. But I did come back and have really admired and appreciated the... that you've worked out with people sharing their awarenesses and their understandings as well as their challenges in the practice.

[68:51]

And I sort of feel like I intuitively get what you're saying whether I hear it or not but I've been I kind of stumbled onto Buddhism in going to Tassajara as a vacation I guess in the early 80s when I was had a very responsible teaching at Cabrillo College and I've worked hard all my life with sharing, I mean, learning about my body and teaching first physical education and then moved into movement and dance, body awareness. And I had no idea that awareness was the beginning of a spiritual path. And when I went to Tassajara, I always felt like there was something that happened

[69:54]

that made me feel like I wanted to sign over and not ever leave that place. And it was beautiful. But I was very timid about the zendo, scared to death of the formality and all of the things. But after a while, I began to accept it and do it. I feel like my mind, body, probably has been very afraid of its disconnections and problems. But they're beginning to come together just to accept who I am and wanting to continue to share. And I certainly appreciate so much this group. I think this has become my sangha. It's about the only time I really get

[70:55]

into Zendo or a study of Buddhism. And I think Reb is a rare teacher. I'm very, very grateful to him and all of his willingness to share from the deep heart. So thank you, Reb, and I appreciate your patience with me and everything you do for us. And thank you to Tassajara for us meeting. There's this little tingly thing going on in my body. I'm wondering if maybe that's what it feels like to be visible. A lot of my life, I tried really hard to be invisible. I used my addictions for that.

[71:57]

Lots of ways to try to be invisible. And I've been learning for a while now, really awkwardly, how to maybe be visible. And sometimes I feel like a three-year-old I was sharing about last night, where I'm sort of bumbling out into the world and I don't really want to. And I want to, but I didn't really learn that when I was three years old. So at 56, it's a little more awkward. And I've been to a few retreats, a few other retreats recently, and what I did in all those retreats before this one was I would go find a quiet place to eat alone, and I would drive there alone, and I would try to be silent because I know it was another way to be invisible and not be in contact with all of you.

[73:07]

And this time I drove with someone and talked almost the whole way. I'm sharing a room with someone that I shared a room with last time I was here before and she said to me yesterday, wow, I didn't know you talked. And I've spent my mealtimes eating and sharing with other people and in between sessions talking with people and taking walks with people. I did take one walk alone because that is also a way that really nurtures me. So I'm kind of amazed at what it is to feel such a sangha. And I'm in my own sangha at home. It's a place I am opening up more from a place that isn't quite so skittish.

[74:07]

It's kind of like from my belly. I wanted to share that and when Reb asked Friday about what our Desire ultimate concern was I I had an image and I frequently do that the words kind of come later I'm usually very articulate, but I really think in images and so the image I had was a sort of bubbling spring and And I thought well, you know, what's that? And it seemed like and clear and ever-changing and and joyful. It had energy and light. And I thought, well, that's going to have to be my ultimate concern because I don't seem to have words that go on that. And then a little bit later, I kind of but being upright. And so for the rest of the weekend, until about 20 minutes ago, I was sitting with, you know, being upright.

[75:10]

But I was aware that it seemed like there was probably something under that, and I would just have to go into that. And for right now, I would just practice being upright. That's certainly a big thing, but that was really okay. And when Kate shared her ultimate concern, I dropped into my body back about 15 years ago. I was taking a hike with my partner in Colorado, and we were just getting to know each other. She was asking me, you know, so what do you think the purpose of life is? And a lot of the question was coming from her growing up, childhood and family religion. And she was really trying to understand where I came from because I didn't really have any of those things. So it's like, well, so what's the point? And I was very clear at the time. I said, well, the point is to experience this life. That's the only point. And so when you said that, it kind of brought me home to that deepest desire.

[76:19]

Swimming in some related and slightly different angles on finding my deepest desire and that right now what I want and need is just to stay with that, that that's okay. I don't have to have it. I don't have to know right now. And the more urgent one is to maybe learn how to be more visible in a still way. So I am greatly amazed right now and grateful. As I listened to everybody, I had all kinds of stories that I was remembering and making up and putting together.

[77:30]

And then when you spoke, Roberta, I thought, okay, I think I know what I'm going to do. My journey began before Reb, and I was really ready to have a teacher. Of course, the teacher didn't show up. So I had been going to Tassajara for probably 15 years, and I was so uncomfortable, amazingly uncomfortable there. I could never sleep there. I kept going back. So one day, I took a calligraphy class, and that really... That went in real deep to be in the moment with very small movements for five days. And then Reb showed up. And actually where he showed up, I was looking out my bathroom window at the place where you sit at Tassajara outside your cabin or whatever that is.

[78:30]

And I didn't know that that's what was going on, but I saw Reb through the window and he waved, which I really thought was funny. or something. So, but my heart, my heart chakra opened up and I didn't know what had happened. And then later on, when you left Asahara, I was walking up the road to take a hike and you just very casually said, would you like a ride up to the beginning of the hike? And again, I experienced this really big, big opening. And so I kept feeling that. And then I asked Reb to become my teacher. And, by the way, I started sleeping at Tassajara. It was a retreat place for me after that. And it was sort of gnawing at me all those years or something. But he said yes, and I cried a lot.

[79:32]

It was an amazing experience for me. It still is. And my journey has really been similar to yours, which is to be with my heart and trust myself, but not necessarily let my three-year-old run it. And so it's sort of my ultimate is to be in life and also witness life with people. The balance there for me and for the other person. And... The last eight or nine months, I've been going through many, many changes, and it's kind of been like I've been in a cocoon. But I've still been practicing. I didn't know what I was practicing, I mean, other than the obvious day-to-day stuff. figuring out what I'm supposed to do. You know, I don't know this and that. Big learning curve. I didn't know what else was happening, but I realized when I was taking a walk with a girlfriend of mine just this week, she told me about a book that she read.

[80:34]

The beginning sentence was, how I murdered my mother. And I thought, I said to my friend, basically, your mother murdered you. It was about how the mother murdered her. And I thought, oh, my God, I've been doing that. That's why I've been covering up my heart so much. So it... And I was open to that. And now hearing you share, hearing many people share in their glances and this delicious nourishment of listening and being here... I realize my purpose. And it doesn't feel scary. It feels more tender. And I appreciate that. And it's still unfolding. Thank you.

[81:35]

Thank you. I see our host at the doorway. He wants to speak to us. Well, should we have him come and do his concluding things now? Is that all right? I think you're welcome to come now and after your presentation. And I don't want to avoid this or anything, but I just want to go get something. I'll be right back, okay? Oh, yeah, sure. Test, test, oh, power. I got the power. Okay. I'd like to know how the food has been for you this weekend. Okay.

[82:38]

If you want to give very specific feedback about a particular dish or spice or sauce or whatever, I'm going to leave evaluation forms out in the lobby. So rather than take group time with a lot of detail, you can give us the specifics. I'm interested now in more broad scale comments. And one of the comments that the kitchen staff doesn't find ...is not as good as last time because they don't know what that means. So if you can say something, you know, more of that would be helpful. Helpful comments really are appreciated. Positive, negative, whatever. Yeah, please, in the back. ... Are there comments on the food? Yeah. We should notice that Buddhist programs are hungry programs.

[84:17]

Keep the food. Other comments about the food? How about facilities? Did this space work okay for you? Again, if you know of a hinge that's squeaking or a faucet that's dripping, we want to get those details on the evaluation forms rather than take group time. I'm interested in any more broad-scale comments about the facilities. You had something? Okay. I'm sorry, that doesn't fit into this category.

[85:33]

I can't... Anybody else want to try to fit in this category? Right. We just taught the dog meditation. Anything else about facilities? How about staff? The comment that was just made about the housekeeping staff sometimes not being aware of, not being quiet during meditation times is a very important one, and I'll be sure to pass that along. You may not have had any interaction with them. Were they available and okay to deal with? Were they a problem for you? What, if anything, was your experience with our staff? None. I'll tell the staff this feedback and they will get a chuckle out of hearing that you perceive them as being .

[86:59]

We fooled them again. Let's see. How about finding yourselves not just at a conference center but also in the midst of a community, which means a certain amount of family, live dogs that no longer bark, animals, kids running around, other activities going on, a teacher. A distraction and a problem, is it okay? What's it like for you to be in the midst of the community? I was glad I saw the sheep during the day last night when I was walking to my campsite. I would have been scared. Those are actually tigers in sheep's clothing. You have to be appropriately frightened of. They do a good job. Yes, sheep.

[88:04]

They appear to be sheep. They're very good at acting as sheep. Any other comments about the community? No, okay. So a couple of last things in your direction. One is that you'll all be heading home down the mountain on Highway 152, which has a well-deserved reputation Being beautiful and dangerous. Dangerous partly because it's beautiful and people get distracted. It's a windy mountain road and we get a large number of automobile accidents on that highway, particularly on Sundays. So please drive slowly and carefully, but especially on Highway 152 so everyone gets home safely. There'll be some food. No one should leave hungry, and I'll do my best to make sure it doesn't run out. I love it when people come back, not just as part of a group event like this, but for what we call personal retreat. So if individually you want to come for a little R&R, perhaps bringing some friends and family or to get away from your friends and family, We love to host that even if it's a last-minute quick phone call or online sign-up.

[89:06]

We'll do our best to accommodate. The single thing that you can do that's most helpful to us is to take home with you some of the brochures that I hope you found on your bed when you arrived, and if not, there are extras in the hallway. And just pass them to a friend, because by far the most important way in which people learn about Mount Madonna Center is word of mouth. So just passing a brochure to a friend is far and away the most helpful thing you can do to help us sustain this place, which then hopefully supports you as well. We do. Do you recall the date? I don't have it in my head. Yeah, it is. The next appearance of Rebbe is... No. It was just an unforgettable experience and we just couldn't take him away.

[90:17]

Yes, it was fearless. And we hope... Current ones will cost you. So I think the last thing to say is that We've been reflecting lately about the, from our own sort of internal point of view, about programming at Mount Madonna Center and how that's been going over the years and how it's developed and what changes need to be made and so on. We've been doing some conferring about that and one of the things we've noticed, of course, is that over the years, We've gradually focused on the programs that really are dear to our hearts and closest in their deeper purposes to what we're about. And those are the programs that we just most love to have come again and again. And it's very gratifying when that happens.

[91:19]

And REPS programs always have that quality. You're here to do the essential work. in a work that we're here to do, and whether the verbiage is a little different or the garb or whatever, that really is very unimportant. The important thing is the heart, and the heart is the same. And when that happens, you might be surprised. In your awareness of some things that we do or don't do so well to support your being here, you might not be aware that your being here supports us just in the sort of sympathetic vibration that happens. When there's a group here that's really doing the work, somehow or other it affects us, it supports us, deep for us. So, God, that's a long-winded way of saying, you all come back, you hear? Speaking of coming back, in my 20s, I studied Zen and then sort of took a 30-year hiatus.

[92:59]

So I returned. for my first retreat in 30 years. And I didn't expect to be moved. I thought I'd come and get some CEUs. You know, and be in my head. And, um... Your gift, Reb, that was not to be. And everybody's ability to share. And, um... So I feel kind of raw, grateful, and confused, and wiser, and afraid. and emotional, I'm not sure why.

[94:10]

But present. So I want to thank you all for that. What I've come, what I've gotten clearer is that when I approach my stuff It's not okay. I approach other people's stuff all the time, and I work really hard to do that, do it in a kind, generous way. But I learned this weekend that I have a lot of work to do, and I'm grateful to be clear about that. So thank you all. It's good to be part of a community and see the wisdom and the commitment and the kindness. Well, I started out on Friday feeling really challenged when Reb asked us to talk about his commitment because I just made a commitment and it was really deep.

[95:44]

And then I found I didn't want to say it out loud. kind of interesting dilemma. So when Stephen said he wanted to feel connection with all beings, I thought, well, that's pretty good. He said that. He said that. I'll just let him say it. And then, and you said not only to feel it, but to act from that place. And I thought, well, that's pretty good too, you know. And then you said you wanted us all to wake up together. And I think right now that's it. I can't do it by myself. I really can't. And that's my deepest desire. Some things I've noticed about this you know, sort of choking things off, leading with my chin when I'm sitting so my neck gets really sore.

[96:49]

And what's that about, you know? There was a lot about the story that was meaningful to me. one of the first times that that notion came up here, it was very hard for me, and I kind of didn't want to go there. And it was, I just, yeah. And I think what I am really starting to get is what you said about Friday is Friday. some places and that's true enough but there are other versions of what that reality is there are other names for that reality and that's a really good thing um because i tend to be kind of attached to my own you know um and to think that because it's mine it's true, and that's not so good. It's caused some problems.

[97:52]

And the other thing, one other thing I really enjoyed actually was the stories about your family again. When you've talked about being generous with people, you know, those are good words and I've kind of gone, you know, what does generosity mean? What does generosity mean? And some of those stories I could really see how they give someone to themselves. So that was, that was wonderful. And there was one other thing about this weekend that I wanted to express, which is until we started doing this, there are people I didn't really feel that I had contact with because we didn't make eye contact and we didn't have a conversation. And so the people with whom I did have a conversation and I did have eye contact, I felt pretty

[98:56]

connected to, but there were some people that just didn't happen. And so it's kind of a confession and apology. You weren't on my radar screen and I wasn't feeling the exchange of support that was actually there. Thank you. I see that and that just really encourages me profoundly. I love it. It always feels to me that when I'm here, that everybody has kind of come from out of nowhere to be here. And I love that. The thing that moves me the most

[100:03]

is I dearly, dearly love compassionately your stories. I love them so much. I love hearing them. And I love seeing them transform. What I'm feeling in my body is this experience now that I can begin to feel my energy go out from myself and it interacts and it becomes transformed and it comes back to me. But I don't let it in. I get real jammed up. But I'm aware. And I'm being tender with that. And I love your stories. I first have a need, which is to wonder how we're going to get around this room so quick. And I'm My deepest concern, which I've had some trouble getting to until just the last hour or two, is to somehow know the truth, to somehow see the truth.

[101:15]

And I came from a family where that really was and a religion where it seemed like it wasn't very important. So I have a secondary concern to that is that I'll be able Once, as I begin to experience some glimpses of what I see as this very big that I can become committed to them, to the execution of that. I've had a need to share my voice and something of who I was with everyone. Could you bring the microphone closer? Okay. I've been feeling tense.

[102:24]

I feel tension now. And I remember when I came here on Friday, I was feeling very tense and I feel much less tense now. And I've had a pervasive feeling. not being as open as I would like to be emotionally. And kind of my heart hasn't been opening the way I would like it to open. And But I feel what's come from this retreat is knowing that being aware of feeling is separated and making efforts to reach out. And starting by eating alone when I came here and making... effort to eat with people and talk with people and I'm really I felt really great when I did have conversations and started um connecting more and getting to know people more and um and I feel that's kind of a commitment I make as I go forward to um isolate myself less and um

[103:47]

open more to everyone's love and to my love. And so I appreciate people's being generous with me. And I'm really grateful to you, Tenshin Roshi, for your generosity with us and with me. I'm trying to laugh at myself. We were talking a little this morning at breakfast about stories and about writing, and I realized that I can't talk coherently with more than about two people without writing things. So I did. Life has challenges, and I believe that we're here to help each other.

[104:51]

And I try to make myself available for that by paying attention to what I took, like Karen was talking about, and the precepts, and try to do things right when I remember to. What I feel now is a very full heart. Fortunately, I already have an appointment with my cardiologist to talk about that. but what I need to share is the love I feel for everyone here and do that in any way that's beneficial but one person that's my story I'm sticking to it I'm fighting not talking.

[106:05]

I feel like my biggest need is to do some healing and that I feel that my biggest impact is that I need to be competent. And I really appreciate everyone here listening. One story is that I had cancer in 2000, and the hidden need that you need help when you're bald. It seemed a lot easier to take help, and it was a physical thing. People were very supportive, and I was really too weak to say no. And I thought I had learned some lessons then. It's the hidden things that are harder to get help from.

[107:15]

And I want to open my heart. And I want to thank you for listening. I thought I really should say something because that's the first step is to let people know. Thank you. I didn't want to leave without offering my deepest thanks I didn't expect yesterday to look how I looked out when I was speaking to see your faces of presence and love and feeling for me back. And that was everything. So thank you, really.

[108:24]

And I want to say it is a profound healing. so i'm i'm feeling like well uh i need to let go of control the issue i have with control i have a lot of uh issues with control wanting to control feeling i have to control like it's my responsibility to control uh so this weekend has really changed my perception of actually reality and and what is

[109:25]

actually required of me so i am actually now feeling very excited to go home and give my family the gift and excited to receive their gift of who they are even if it is not the gift i want so thank you very much for the gift of uh I think I see happiness now coming into my family where before a lot of tension around control. So this is very powerful for me. So thank you all. Thank you for that gift. I don't know where to begin, so I'll start with gratitude.

[110:35]

Thank you for supporting me this weekend. It's so powerful, and it's so healing. And I'd like to invite you all to come with me. I guess you're always with me. It's just if I remember that, if I practice with that. And something that's been very helpful for me this weekend is to practice saying in my mind Let the cup be the cup. Let the food be the food.

[111:39]

Let the toothbrush be the toothbrush. Let Carl be Carl. It's profound. Presently, nothing else is arising. It's an opportunity. Thank you. I hate talking in front of people.

[112:47]

I'm actually feeling a little sleepy and tired. I want to say that I came here because I felt like I needed some healing. And when Reb asked us what our need was, mine was for peace and love. And what I've discovered is that there was peace and love right here with you. And I didn't really have to look any further than just to be right here with the peace and love. And so that wasn't a challenge. What's a challenge is to take this home with me, to somehow let my heart stay open and let this be with me every day. That's the challenge.

[113:48]

Thank you. Hi. I just took the microphone without thinking about it. I think this morning I was feeling very peaceful and then when we started doing this exercise going around the room I started feeling a little bit tense and tired and I think The fact that I have this need to always say exactly the right thing. I feel that in my professional life because I'm a journalist but also in my personal life and generally I actually really like speaking in front of people but there always comes that that need from me. So I think what I need now is to not And to just kind of be quiet, or at least quiet for me. So the other last thing I'm going to say is that I want to commit to meditating more because I feel what this weekend I've definitely felt what happens inside of me when I do that.

[114:57]

And it's pretty cool. And also to commit to loving this beautiful person who came with me this weekend in as generous a way as I can. I hope I'm not embarrassing her by saying that. And now I'll shut up. Thank you all for being here. I feel a bit of an outsider in this group and I'm not sure if that's because I'm not giving. It's been very beautiful to see people express their love. That's the kind of way I would like to be and I try and be in my life to all things and all people and it's really nice to hear that in a different way. I feel like this is

[115:59]

to express that. Obviously a lot of you have been studying this and doing this a long time and sometimes speak in language that I don't really understand. And that's been interesting. And sometimes I feel like backing off from that. I'm here because of her. And I probably wouldn't be here if she didn't ask me to come. And it's really beautiful to be here. So thank you. Anybody else want to say something? excuse me but I just want to say I'd like to say a lot more things but there's one thing I really would like to say and that is at the beginning I asked to look to see if you can get some sense of what your ultimate concern in life is and many of you looked and found something and I just want to mention that I think what you found

[117:36]

was a story about your ultimate concern. And I proposed to you that if you take care of this story of your ultimate concern in a very gracious way, the story will part and you will plunge into the actual realization of your ultimate concern. I mentioned that. I could have said, can you find a story of your ultimate concern? That would have been okay too, I think. And then we'll work with that story to find the actual thing. I also wanted to mention, and I hope this doesn't take too long, from my wife's story about wolf packs. She said in wolf pack there's an alpha, which I think might sometimes be a female, but I'm not sure. But anyway, I think there's some packs that have alpha female. But anyway, they have alpha individual and lots of betas.

[118:41]

Everybody else is a beta. And then they have an, which I hadn't heard before, they have an omega. And the omega is the one who kind of holds the whole pack together. Who makes it so that all the betas don't have to fight each other because that's not an issue anymore about who's boss. And the Omega takes care of all those, you know, if there's somebody, if some people are the Omega goes and kind of like gets between them. If they're getting a little too rough or if somebody's sick or dying, the Omega goes and helps them. And sort of, you know, this story is that the Omega is really what makes the whole thing work. That story, I think, well, for example, when you were telling your story about the freeway,

[119:45]

The problem in a few ways is there's a lot of alphas out there. So it's kind of like it isn't clear who the alpha car is or who the beta cars are. So it's really... But I think maybe some of us would like to be omegas out there. I think Dale wants to be an omega. among all the people who are not sure who the alphas and the betas are, and to try to heal the struggles on the freeway. I think maybe a lot of us would like to be that omega. My personal... What's the word? It's kind of a personal crisis, which is that I want to be an omega, but I'm off in the position of being alpha. and I'm being alpha but I'm being an omega. So somehow in human society we sometimes take somebody who we want, we sometimes take somebody who is not an omega and make them an alpha to force them to be an omega.

[120:57]

Or we take somebody who is an omega and make them an alpha because we want the alpha to be an omega. We want the leader to show the healing and you want the healer to be a leader. And it's a more complicated thing than just playing one or the other. But we do that in human society, we sometimes... It doesn't work very well. But, you know, of course I really want to be, like I think a lot of you do, I want to be an omega member to help the whole group work. But my karma is that I'm often put in the alpha position you can put the Alpha out there and the people will come to Mount Madonna and get together, and then I can be the Omega. And so they'll probably advertise me out there as leader of the retreat again. And I'm going to do that, but I'm also willing to be Alpha.

[121:59]

But I really want to be an Omega. Unless everybody's an Omega. What? Yeah, it would be, it's called nirvana. So that's, I have, I think I can stop there. And if that's okay with you. Anything else that you want to bring up before we conclude? Which one do you want? Do you want to sing that one? Huh? Huh? Because you know that one, right? When the rain comes bobbing along

[123:03]

Along, there'll be no more sobbing when she starts throbbing her old sweet song. Wake up, wake up, you sleepyhead, get up, get up. Cheer up, cheer up, the sun is red. Live, love, laugh and be happy. Though I've been blue, now I'm walking through fields of flowers. Rain may glisten, but still I listen for hours. Hours, I'm just a kid again, doing what I did again, singing a song. When the red, red robin comes, bop, bop, bopping along, bop, bop, bopping along. Yeah. That's Louis Armstrong. May our

[124:09]

Compassionate vows equally extend to every being in place with the true merit of Buddha's Way. Thank you for the beautiful gifts.

[124:26]

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