There's a book which I'm happy to share with you. It's by John Cage. It's called Zen Oxford Pictures. Do you want to look at it? Here it is. Is this the third class? Sorry, we talked about the first two. verses. Sometimes it's called Searching for the Ox, which is a scene in the wilderness, kind of being bewildered in the wilderness, which a lot of people said they felt kind of lost, feeling like something's missing, feeling exhausted, not having any clear orientation, and yet kind of wanting an orientation, wanting a path, not seeing one in the wilderness, in the forest, in the tall grass.

[01:26]

being exhausted looking and not finding much of a way. When I first came to San Francisco to live at Zen Center, when I first came to live there, I came to visit in 67, and then I moved to live across the street from the Sokoji Temple on Bush Street in the spring of 19... And then one day I went swimming in that springtime or summer at the Ocean Beach in San Francisco. I swam out, and then I started to swim back in, but no matter how much I swam, I didn't get in. I couldn't find a way to get back to the beach. And I saw on the seawall, I saw a sign which said, you know, swimming.

[02:37]

Dangerous undertow. And I called to my friends and neighbors, but no one could hear me because of the loud surf. And again, I got more and more tired, and finally I realized that my effort was not going to bring me back to the land. And something happened, I gave up. And I went into some kind of a state for some... It couldn't have been very long. I think it had been an hour and a half. But eventually, like, started looking for me. But I could see them having a nice time. not knowing where I was and not worried about me. And I looked out to the west, and I looked at those big... If she wants me, she's going to take me.

[03:45]

And if she doesn't, maybe I won't. And so anyway, I kind of gave up swimming. And it didn't sink because of salt water. And I was out there not swimming for some time. And then at some point I felt my body, my feet I think probably, hit something. And I think it was the... It was the bottom of the ocean, which at that point that I hit it, the ocean wasn't very deep. And I kind of came to, and I thought, oh, I've been brought back into shallow water. And I thought, OK, if this happens again, I'm going to push.

[04:50]

I didn't start swimming. I thought, if it happens again, I'm going to push. So it did happen again, and I pushed with my legs towards the beach. And every time that happened, I just kept pushing and pushing. And then I got shallower and shallower in water, and then I crawled out of the water and collapsed on the beach. Many of you have heard that story before. It just popped in my mind tonight, because I was out in... I wasn't in the grass. I was in the water. and I was exhausted, and I kind of gave up trying to find my way by my own power. I could see that that was not going to work, and it didn't. Something, other conditions weren't done with me, and decided to put me back on land, and I cooperated. And I was lying sort of face down on the beach, and I heard a little, sounded like a little boy saying to his mother, Mommy, is he dead?

[06:04]

And his mother said, I think so. And... Then I heard sirens. I thought they were maybe calling for me. I thought, I do not want them to touch me and take me to a hospital. So somehow I got up and started walking back north along Ocean Beach to where I had originally gone in. My friends did not immediately understand that I had been on an adventure. So I think we're struggling, we don't know our way, we're exhausted and trying to find it, and then we find some traces, the traces of the ox, something we can see.

[07:09]

We don't see the ox yet, but we see some traces in our consciousness. Like I saw a trace of a path. What I saw was traces of the path, and now I found my path by my interaction with the sand and the water and gravity and all that. We worked together, and I found my way out. It was a wonderful adventure to start out my early days. And when I was out in the water, I thought, well, maybe this is it. Maybe I die young. And I also felt like, but I kind of feel like there's something more for me to do. So maybe not. We'll see. And I think a lot of us have seen the tracks of the ox in our mind.

[08:12]

We've seen some kind of like appearance of a path And then you see the ox. And so I thought I'd ask you, have you seen the ox? I'm looking at it. And what do you see? I see you and me. Are you looking at you and me? Are you and me the ox? You, me and everybody else? And even people aren't in the room? Yeah. So I already proposed to you that this ox is invisible, and we can see it.

[09:31]

And we're seeking it. It is you and me and everybody else, but I can't see you and me, but I can't see you, me, and everybody else. And I can't see all of you at once. but I think the ox is me and all of you at once. And I can't see me and all of you at once. I can't see me, and I can't see you appearing to me. So, in the story of the seeing of the ox, in the course of seeing the ox, Yeah. By the stream, under the trees, scattered are the traces of the lost.

[10:37]

That's seeing the traces. Seeing the acts. On the yonder branch perches a nightingale, cheerfully singing. Is that it? No? What do you have? The verse? When the trees nightingale sing and sing again. The sun is warm. And a soothing breeze floats, flows. On the banks, the willows are green. The cow is there, all by herself. Nowhere is she to hide herself. The splendid head, decorated with stately horns.

[11:46]

What painter can reproduce her? Something like that? Have you seen that ox? Anybody seen that ox? Or that cow with the wolf? Can I ask a question about the verb?

[13:03]

As opposed to the, since you're playing with the now, with box. You know, I'm thinking of this, you know, line by Goethe. Thinking is more interesting than knowing the old. Less interested than seeing, is how it's usually translated. Thinking is more interesting than knowing. Less interesting than seeing. Less interesting than seeing. Though... You can also read it as sensing, instead of seeing. If you think there's something particular about sight in this?

[14:07]

No. I think I don't know what the Chinese original is off the top of my thinking but I think it would be seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, smelling, or thinking. Thinking the ox. So one way to think the ox is, like Kuya just said, you can think, oh, the ox is me and everybody. Or... Yeah, me and everybody, or me as everybody, or everybody as me. But not really everybody as me, more me as everybody. And I said, I've heard about it. She mentioned it. We heard about it. You could sense that, or you could even taste that.

[15:10]

Like, what's his name? Mr. The French guy? Mr. Proust? He tasted it. Right? He tasted. What did he taste? He just tried. What? What did you say? I said, I just tried. He tasted. Usually when we taste things, we don't think they're visible. But he tasted, and it was a kind of knowledge. But he had lots of knowledges before that, but no one tasted it. There is sensing the ox. almost like you can see this magnificent thing, almost like you can see it.

[16:18]

And if nobody wants to say they've seen it, fine. I've seen it. Okay, thank you. I'm glad somebody did. So somebody talked about it and somebody saw it. Now are you ready for the next one? By the way, before I read this, has anybody caught the ox? There's a picture, I think some of the picture is the ox by the tail, right? You could also say you can get snagged on the ox. Yep. You're searching for the ox, and the ox is caught.

[17:20]

You catch the ox, the ox caught you. I'm just going to say this, although you didn't ask me, I'm going to say it. The ox is not... you are a limited version of the relationship with the ox. But the ox isn't trying to limit you, but the ox makes you serve the relationship just like you are. This ox is not limiting you. And, of course, you don't want to limit the ox. And you kind of know beforehand you're not going to be able to. But can you get a hold of it? So here's one verse. It says, With energy of his whole being, you have that one?

[18:29]

The girl has at last taken hold of the cow. But how? her will, how ungovernable her power. At times, she stands up, she struts up a plateau, and lo, again, in the misty, impenetrable mountain pass. Now, With hands on the cow, we feel its power. Do you feel the cow's power?

[19:34]

Do you feel the power of this? So we got a hold of it, but we're not in control of it. We feel, we can feel the power of it. Like when I was out in the ocean, I could feel the power of it. Even before you get in the ocean, just walk in and feel those waves which are about 18 inches high. You can feel the power. You can't control it, but you can feel it. So, are we here now? Are we feeling the power of the ox? Do you feel this thing, this big power? Do you sense this big power that's ungovernable, uncontrollable? the power of the ocean, the power of your invisible mind, the power of your unconscious mind, the power of your unconscious body that's offering itself to you to be embraced right now.

[21:07]

You want it to meet it. Now you've met it, and now you're touching it. You were looking for a way to meet it, and you've been successful now. Here you are with this great power of your life, which is you and everybody else. Now you have it, so keep it well. We say. Daniel? Does the ark have violence in it? Does the ark have violence in it? How do we cope with that aspect of it?

[22:16]

Yeah, I think the ox includes, the ox is you and me and everybody. So if anybody's into any violence, we have to deal with that. That's part of you, me, and everybody. And I think is, well, one thing I would say violence to violence is trying to kind of, in some sense, reduce this big... this infinite situation to, for example, act. Not necessarily even trying to control, which would also be kind of... To try to control this ox would be a kind of violence. So again, for me to try to control my path back to the shore was a kind of violence, which sometimes people get by with.

[23:30]

And they swim back into the beach, and nobody even notices that it's violent. But sometimes you see... And so in my case, I could see my violence was so puny that I gave it up. And I also kind of gave up. I certainly gave up trying to control the ocean. It never crossed my mind, but I did want to control my path. I wanted to control my destiny. I wanted to get out of the water. But yeah, I think it's not that the ocean is violence, but there is violence as part of the ocean. particularly any kind of reduction of the relationships. And there is that impulse in beings. But it's not a permanent pattern.

[24:34]

It reminds me a little bit of when I actually went on safari with my 15-year-old son. One of the creatures we saw was the Cape buffalo. It often reminds me of the buffalo. I think a little bit of what you're saying because the buffalo is so much more powerful than you. but there's only conflict if somehow the wholeness of the situation, if there's something that pulls one out of just being there together. Yeah. We say each moment of zazen is equally wholeness of practice, equally wholeness of enlightenment.

[25:41]

So each moment of the meeting with the ox is equally wholeness of practice, equally wholeness of enlightenment. And another translation would be, each moment of meeting the ox is equally the same practice and equally the same enlightenment as you and all beings, which is the ox. It would be to go against that wholeness, that equality. Sun Tzu? It feels like clinging can also be very violent, or not very violent, violent in and of itself. Mm-hmm. Yeah. We can take away very... Just say, well, it's a kind of violence.

[26:48]

Chlamydia is a kind of violence. But it's not the end of the story. It's just going back to the beginning of the story. violence tosses you back into being exhausted and realizing that without... And also trying to push away violence isn't called for here. Okay, ready for the next picture. The next story is Taming the Ox or Training the Ox. Okay, and did you want to say something? I want to say something about the three catching words here. Four. No, four. So, on the transition, it has the preface.

[27:49]

Not the preface, but the verse. So, with your last ounce of strength, you take it. It's stubborn and strong and broken. And I think that broken thing is when I try to make the ox smaller than what it is so I can manage it. I kind of project my puny little self into it. And then it says, but it disappeared into the mist. Mm-hmm. So... That's not the preface. That's the main... No, that's the main verse. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's got steps up there on the plateau. Yeah. It's, like, much bigger than that beautiful self that wants to possess it. I just thought of the sperm and the egg. Yeah. Now, I don't know if those sperms ever think, I'm going to control that egg. I think the egg probably says, come on, fine, do whatever you want.

[28:56]

You ain't going to control me. The sperm thinks it's going to control the egg. It doesn't control the egg, but it does make contact with the big picture, with the big thing, which contains so much. Yeah, it was just recently delivered to my consciousness. I was just going to say, I like the line in the preface where it says, but you can't keep up with its high spirit and it won't give up its love of sweet grass. So, just attachment. It's including that beings are on and we are making contact with it now. So we can move on to the, yes. Can I tell a story? Sure. When I was a kid, we had a dog.

[29:58]

And we left the dog outside, not watching her. She would run away. And one time this happened. And my mom was outside calling for my dog. And she sees a dog running down the street towards her. But it's a black dog, and our dog . And so she's wondering why this dog is coming for her. And as it's getting closer, she realized that it's our dog. And the reason that it's black is because it had ran to the cow pasture. It sits down the street from the house and rolled it on the cows . Coming towards her, she realized that she doesn't want it to come anymore, so she tries to stop the dog. I had a very similar relationship with a dog like that. Laura, named after Julie Christie, Dr. Zhivago.

[31:05]

That's my mom's name. Yes, here we go. Would someone read the verse for training or taming the oxen? Not for a moment put down whip or rein, lest the ox wander back to dust and desire. Pull again and again until it's tame and gentle. Of itself it will follow without bridle or chain. Could somebody read another one? That's from a different translation.

[32:08]

Do we have? Yes? Yes? The whip and rope are necessary, else he might stray off the road. Being well trained, he becomes naturally gentle. Then, unfettered, he obeys his master. Did the whip and rope zazen? I think the whip and rope are the forms that we use. Like, in the Zen school, we have certain forms. So these are poets, so they use Zen forms, Chinese Zen forms. So the zazen isn't the forms.

[33:08]

is using the forms as a way to relate to the ox. Zazen is not the forms, and it's not the ox, and it's not the oxherder. It's the relationship, the conversation of the person using the forms to relate to the ox. And so, You need the whip and the what else? You need the whip and the rope. You need this stuff. You need some stuff. And you've got some stuff. And I think many of you read the Zen Mind Beginner's Mind called Control. Want to read that, Michael? Stand up and read it. To give your sheep a cow, a large spacious meadow, is the way to... To live in the realm of Buddha nature means to die as a small being, moment after moment.

[34:27]

When we lose our balance, we die. At the same time, we also develop ourselves. We grow. Whatever we see is changing, losing its balance. The reason everything... is because it is out of balance, but its background is always in perfect harmony. This is how everything exists in the realm of Buddha nature, losing its balance against a background of perfect balance. So if you see things without realizing the background of Buddha nature, ...be in the form of suffering. But if you understand the background of existence, you realize that suffering itself is how we live and how we extend our life. So in Zen sometimes we emphasize the imbalance or disorder of life. Should I continue? He said sometimes we emphasize the disorder Or imbalance?

[35:30]

What imbalance or disorder is like. So a lot of people think, well, Zen, well, yeah, in Zen they really, they got things really ordered. Like, going to Zen, the motions are lined up, and they have periods of meditation at a certain time. People have assigned seats. Very orderly and clean. And then he's saying, sometimes we emphasize disorder. So I think The whip could be the appearance of form of order that we have here. So we can look at the disorder. Now please continue. Now comes the main part. Nowadays, traditional Japanese painting has become normal and lifeless. That is why modern art has developed. Ancient painters used to practice putting dots on paper in artistic disorder. This is rather difficult.

[36:32]

Even though you try to do it, usually what you do is arranged in some order. You think you can control it, but you cannot. It is almost impossible to arrange your dots out of order. It is the same with taking care of your everyday life. Even though you try to put people under some control, it is impossible. You cannot do it. The best way to control people is to encourage them to be engaged. then they will be in control in its wider sense. To give your sheep or cow a large, spacious meadow is the way to control him. So it is with people. First, let them do what they want and watch them. This is the best policy. That is the worst policy. The second worst is trying to control them. The best one is to watch them just to watch them without trying to control them. It's in here.

[37:41]

So far, it sounds very much like all this effort, effort, effort. And I miss already the part that you described in your story, this giving up or relaxation. You know, or we fail, or we get tired. And I miss, you know, that we teach, actually, this arts of failure, and that everything is welcome. So the longer we, I miss a little bit, and this, it's very... with style somehow. You miss it, but it says... First it says you have to have these forms, the whip and so on, but then it says that... Whoops, where did it go?

[38:43]

When the cow is properly tended to, he is willing, he will grow pure. Without a chain, nothing binds, she will by herself follow along. So I think we have to have something to not in order to let other things be. So the second part of the verse, I think, is emphasizing that we have these forms, we have the whip and so on, and we need them, but we have to use them that the ox wants to cooperate. And I would say the ox was always wanting to cooperate, but it can't cooperate with us unless we let it be.

[39:59]

It sort of has to... It's like it has to rebel if we try to control it. Even though it cannot be controlled and it wants to come along with us. I'm missing where we need the forms, because the idea of giving it a big feel is not about the whip and whatever the other things. It's about, you know, it's about you have a whip, you have a rope, and you're not using it. Right. So you do have the forms, and you're not using it to control the animal. So why have the forms? So you can give them up. Otherwise, you're holding on to something you don't even know what you're holding on to. I mean, you may think you know what you're holding on to.

[41:09]

I don't know. Do you think you know what you're holding on to? I don't see what the... What's the... I could bring any other thing. The rope. What they have to do with... You've got a big field. What don't you understand? You've got a big field. Why you need... It seems like a step that can be skipped. So I think you think training can be skipped. You have to keep in. So now you have to give up that idea that training can be skipped. You're doing it. You're holding on right there. There's your phone. That's your whip. That's your look right there. So I'm pointing that up and I'm trying to get you to stop. And I'll keep you in my peripheral vision when I look at you.

[42:11]

What comes to my mind is the mosquito trying to bite the iron. So... And that ball is not... That ball is not moving, I wanted to say. But... Yeah. So that whole faming and that moving and everything is in the mosquito. So you're saying that the teams in the mosquito, it doesn't have anything to do with the mosquito's relationship with the bull? Well, you could say, sure, it has to do with that, but it doesn't have to do... It's not the bull which is hanged, which tries to escape.

[43:22]

It's not the bull which moves. It's the idea of the predator. that the bull moves and the bull is tamed. It's the idea of the herder and the bull? It's the idea in the herder of the bull that it is tamed, that it is caught, that it is found, and so on. Not the idea of the herder that's in the bull? That is also in the bull, right? The idea of the herder is also in the bull, but it is not. Yes, it is not the bull. Otherwise, if the bull would be the one bull escapes and escapes, the bull is limited. If the bull would be able to escape or to be tamed, that would mean that the bull is limited to something.

[44:36]

Maybe if the bull could escape, the bull would be limited. But if the bull could be tamed, it could be that it wants to be tamed, it wants to be practiced. That's part of what it's offering itself to. and it wants to be… Can you practice with me without limiting it? That sounds very much like making it a separate thing from the Buddha. Well, in the story we're talking about, our ancestor, Yaoshan, is referring to a conversation that he had with our ancestor Sekito Gisen. So they're having this conversation. And just to make a long story short, Sekito Gisen says to Yakusani again, he says, how about you?

[45:50]

We're having a conversation. He says, how about you? So the teacher says, this is how it is for me. How about you? This, how are you? And he can't say anything. And later, he has a conversation for months. And they have basically the same conversation. And then Maha says, How about you? And Yashan says, Yagya Sandhya says, Oh, now I see that when I was in that previous conversation, I was like a mosquito trying to actually... The word is, they say, bite, but actually to get up on top of sexual intercourse. with a bolt, an iron bolt, a mosquito. I was trying to limit this conversation. So when he says to me, help me, I couldn't respond because I was like... He was trying to control the master.

[46:58]

So when the master said, go ahead, try to control me, now tell me how that is. He just couldn't say anything. The second time he saw, oh, I see what I was doing previously. I was trying to control this relationship. Because the ox isn't somebody other, the ox is your relationship. And that conversation was using a form, and he was trying to limit the form, get hold of it. And he could have just said, I've been trying... He could have said, oh, I'm like a mosquito trying to bite this relationship. But he didn't get it at that time. He was... He was... He was struck dumb. You know that expression? But the second time he wasn't struck dumb, he said, now I see, now I'm not doing it anymore. Now I'm not trying to control this conversation with you like I did with him. I thought more about the iron bolt as exactly the expression of realizing the truth, because that's what we do.

[48:08]

It's like seeing the circle. It's a ceremony. They're trying to bite the iron bolt. You could do a ceremony called the Iron-Biting Iron Eagle Ceremony. We could do that ceremony. It could be a new ceremony we do here. But when he was doing that ceremony, he didn't know he was doing that ceremony the first time. The second time he saw, oh, I was doing a ceremony with him, but I missed it. Now I'm doing it with you. I'm missing it. I'm participating in the ceremony of me trying to understand what's going on here. So maybe he did it with him too. It's just, oh, look what I'm doing here. So maybe he's doing the same thing, but seeing the truth of this ridiculous thing that we do. Called the mountain ultimate truth of our relationship. Mm-hmm. So the first time, yeah, and so he's saying, Timo's saying, all day long we're doing the ritual of trying to mount an iron bull, right?

[49:21]

But do we remember that we're doing a ritual all day long? And if we forget, then, oops, I forgot, sorry. I forgot what I was doing. But now I remember. So now I'm doing it again. I'm giving violence to our relationship by trying to get a hold of this, you know, control this bull. I'm being a foolish human being. But I'm not trying to be any better than that, and I'm making being a foolish human being into a ritual. It's like going to the zendo, sitting in a seat, in meditation. I'm doing that. That's like a mosquito biting an iron bull, but I'm doing it as a ritual of that. And that's the way our ancestors practiced. Wholeheartedly being a fool himself. Wholeheartedly trying to control all beings.

[50:25]

So, um... We're on the third picture. We're training the bull. We're training all beings. We're taming all beings. And in the process, all beings come into harmonious relationship with us and follow us up. And it's clear that it's not that we're controlling them. They want to cooperate with us because we're being so kind to them, they're kind to us. And they always were, but we had to welcome them in order for them to feel welcome, in order for them to realize we're ready to accept them welcoming us into this relationship. Stephen? I'm just suspecting that there's a kind of a mutual training going on as well as the ox has changed its

[51:36]

He's training his trainer. It's really a one-sided thing. Right. It's a face-to-face conversation. So are you in the... This is the fifth picture, we're halfway through. And this is the kind of where, in some sense, the gritty part of the practice comes to a head. And we need forms for it to come to a head. We need to come to places where we pivot on. We're doing a ritual of being stupid. Therefore, we transcend our stupidity by making it a ritual of stupidity, of trying to control the universe.

[52:49]

Or saying, the universe is controlling me. It's not that. we're making a ritual of including everybody and being included in everybody. But there's some training involved, because as you probably have noticed, you sometimes get distracted from that and try to control. But there's no room for this picture. Before you got to this picture, you maybe had some habits of trying to control, but now you're engaging them and you're... You're ready to go of that stickiness. So in what sense does it obey? In what sense does it obey? In what sense does it obey? Well, you listen to it, and it listens to you. You say hello, and it hears you say that.

[53:56]

You know, the word obey means to hear, to listen. And it feels responsible for you. I should say, it feels responsible. It is responsible for you, and it has to learn that. But you have to learn to be responsible for it without trying to control it. Again, people often, if they can't control something, they say they're not responsible for it. So how can we feel our responsibility for the ox without trying to control it? Because it's responsible for us, but not controlling us. It pervades us, it makes us what we are, But it doesn't control us because it makes us into something that makes it into what it is.

[55:06]

So nobody's in control here, but everybody's mutually supporting and assisting. Kevin? So when we started talking about how a ritual of stupidity that we have to go through. I just thought of the ending of the song, the jewel mirror samadhi, like a fool, like an idiot, just to continue in this way is called the host within the host. So is that, I've always wondered what host within the host means, the relationship between you and the ox. Well, one meaning of host within the host would be like the teacher within the teacher. and where it says if you can achieve continuity. That's one translation, but in some sense more literally what it says, it says if you can inherit this. But inheritance also has to do with continuity, right? Like you inherit the previous generation and that makes you the continuation of what you inherit.

[56:12]

But I like the word inherit there too because you're inheriting this being a fool. you're inheriting this, like, you're inheriting... And before it says, practiced like a fool, like an idiot, that follows from that, how does it say? Where children obey their parents. That, it talks about when the wooden man gets up to dance, to sing, the stone woman dances. All this is the foolishness of our relationship. And we inherit that. If we can inherit that... So that... Yeah, so the... What do you call it? Oxford could be called like the wooden man. If you can be a wooden man or a wooden woman, the...

[57:17]

a stone woman or a stone man, in that sense we're obedient. The stone woman hears the wooden man singing, she's obedient, she dances. It's a miracle. And that miracle is our Lord, our parent, and we should be obedient to that. And what a foolish life that is, to be obedient to an invisible stone woman dancing, invisible witch. That we're actually like spending our time being mindful, inheriting this inconceivable face-to-face transmission. It's kind of... So there is obedience, there is service to this inconceivable process. And we have all these bodhisattva precepts which give us instruction about how to receive this inconceivable transmission face to face.

[58:33]

And if we slip from the precepts, or we slip into trying to control this ox, then we have a practice called confessing that we tried to control it, and expressing our embarrassment and going back to work. And again, this is kind of like practicing like a fool that we do that. We're a fool, we confess it and repent it, and we go on like that. Yes, Rebecca? I confessed it, and trying to confess, I'm... Well, two confessions. Well, you didn't do the first confession. We don't know what that was. But you're confessing about your confession style. So... I mean, I can see, you know, when I'm... That's good, that you can see you have some gaining idea in your confessing.

[59:43]

So, you just keep doing this, hoping that that whole hardness of that effort will... That's the theory. That's the theory. The theory is that... by the power of this confessing that you're trying to get something out of confession, that the power of that, and then saying you're sorry for trying to get something out of practicing compassion, that this transgression from wholeheartedness. I mean, I've had the experience of, like, repentance I've had an experience of a wholehearted repentance. Most of the time when I'm repenting, I don't get to have that feeling. You're always reminding us the appearance of things is not the same as the reality, so to seek out some particular manifestation of things is like, oh, I'm always going to get to feel that totally clean.

[60:57]

But we still also talk about actions that are clean or like burning up completely. And so sometimes you feel like you said hello to somebody but you didn't do it wholeheartedly. You didn't like totally burn up and say hello. And then you say, oh yeah, I didn't. I was kind of like half there or I was saying hello to get something from them or to be considered a reasonably friendly person. Yeah. And I'm sorry about that. I would like to say hello wholeheartedly next time. And then someday you say hello and you feel like Okay, fine. That's the way I want to say hello.

[61:58]

And you'll get to that place more and more by confessing when you're half-hearted about saying hello. Which you might be able to notice. And then if you ever do have somebody around and you just happen to say hello like right on the money And then you say hello, and you say, guess what just happened? I just said hello to you. And like, that was the first time in about two months that I said hello, and it was just hello, and I feel great. And your friend may say, congratulations, and then you may realize, oh, now I'm stuck again. or actually, now I see another aspect where I was holding on. But again, noticing that is the pure and simple color of true practice. And it's the true mind of faith and it's the true body of faith that by this process we will actually become wholehearted.

[63:14]

But noticing or having other people help us notice that we were half-hearted. Would you like me to help you be half-hearted? Well, what you just said just then didn't sound wholehearted to me. You just say, okay, thank you. That sounded wholehearted. Oh, half-hearted. And so on. People can help us. They do. They help us and we can notice on our own, our friends can help us and we can notice on our own where we feel we're sticking points. And again, it has no kind of sense, I shouldn't say it has no kind of sense, they are aspiring to not have this process come to an end. Like, how many more confessions do I have to do before I can be wholehearted? He might have that thought and say, I don't care how many more there are.

[64:18]

I love this practice. What I want to do, I believe in it. This is my faith. We're training the ox now, we've made it to this very important phase, and this phase will be going on, off and on. We're going to be training this ox. And it's going to become docile and obedient to the extent that we can proportion to how much we let it be the way it is. And part of its, part of its, what do you call it, its docility, and its, what was the other word I just used? Docile and obedient.

[65:21]

Part of its obedience is to sometimes appear disobedient. Because it's listening to our, you know, what we really want. What we really want is to let it be. And it hears that. Naturally, in obedience to that, it says, well, I probably should do this then, because this would help her grow in her letting me be. Because this is like, I've never given her this to allow before. Because she wouldn't be able to before. And now I feel she's been This pretty great challenge to her letting me be. But I'm doing that for her because she asked me to do it, and now she's ready for it. So here I'm giving it to her. So that's obedience too, even though the person might feel like, you're really being disobedient. No, I'm not.

[66:22]

You wanted me to do this. Oh, yeah, right. Thank you. Oh, yeah, right. Oh, wow. This is what I've been waiting for all these years, and finally somebody gave it to me. Cody? I'm sorry. Jody? Jody? Um... I am really the ox right now. Good. And... I mean, I found a lot of freedom from... I found a lot of freedom, period, from looking for myself in what I was following in others. And... So we've already kind of talked about how these pictures are interchangeable.

[67:33]

And the ox is just the other that we're kind of trying to connect with. And the other is anything that's not us. So I'm not you in this instance. Maybe I'm an ox, and you're the ox herder. And I'm like, I don't want to change. And I feel that way a lot here at Green Gulch. But obviously, I have a lot of problems that make it difficult for me to get along in this world. And I wanted a situation where I could see things more clearly. So I was seeking my own ox, but now that I'm here, a lot of times I feel like the forms. But I've also found myself saying that I like the changes that I perceive in myself under the pressure of being here.

[68:38]

So, I feel like you're just confirming your description. Yeah, you are. You're playing right into my description. Yeah, that's fine. You're sitting something. It's just like there's a reflection of self in everything. But sometimes I'm afraid that I misunderstand conversation or statements about separation being an illusion. I don't know. You misunderstand the statement that separation is an illusion? I don't know. Sometimes I think that I do, but I don't know.

[69:38]

Well, I hear an invitation to talk to you about how you misunderstand the teaching that separation is an illusion. Yeah. So how would you misunderstand that? Like, almost taking it too literally. Like, the same... This is said a lot in like... That's enough. Take it too literally, yeah. So that would be a way to misunderstand. You listen to that teaching, and one way to misunderstand it would be to think that you can get a hold of that teaching. Say that again? If you hear the teaching, separation is an illusion, One way to misunderstand it is to grasp that teaching, to get a hold of that teaching. That would be a way to misunderstand that teaching. If you understand separation as an illusion, if you understand it, you would not grasp it.

[70:45]

This is becoming into the core. Teaching that there's nothing to grasp, The realization of that teaching is to not grasp that teaching. And you're confessing that maybe when you hear the teaching that separation is an illusion, you grasp it. By grasping it, you preclude realizing it. So, famous ancient text called Thirty Verses of Vasubandhu, And verse number 27 says it's about this conscious construction-only teaching. In other words, the teaching that everything you're looking at now is a construction of your mind. You're seeing me, you're listening to me, you're actually aware of a construction of me and a construction of my voice. In other words, I'm not separate from your consciousness, even though it looks like that.

[71:53]

what you're hearing right now is your own consciousness. What you're seeing is your own consciousness. He says, if you would put that teaching that everything is a conscious construction only out in front of you, then you would not be in that teaching. Only when you don't grasp the teaching that everything that you see is conscious construction, only when you are actually in the teaching. So you're saying that you hear this teaching and one of the ways, it's kind of the main way that most people don't understand it, is to grasp the teaching that grasping is an illusion. That's the main way to understand it. The way to understand it is to not put that teaching out in front of you. Try that. Or like, look at me. I'm a conscious construction. Only try to put that without putting out in front of you.

[72:56]

Not in such a way that you don't grasp it. Then you're realizing it. And this is training the ox. So, I had this thought, it was like, I'm making all the correct mistakes. Like, a few weeks ago. And I was thinking that about other people too, you know? Like, we're all just out here making all the correct mistakes. Is that right? I don't know. I don't know. This song's really good, though. We're supposed to be doing that. We're supposed to be trying to grasp at things and then like... Well, that's what we were talking about before. You can say supposed, but I think Timo would do that.

[74:01]

Right? Didn't you say something like that, Timo? Yeah. But it's not that we're supposed to be that way. It's just that we seem to be that way. And now all the... There's some difficulty in being those ways, right? Yeah. So now make this into a ritual, which we can practice with you. So you're not doing it by yourself anymore. You're doing it as a ritual with us. The ritual of making mistakes. And you're performing this ritual for the sake of the ox, which is all beings and all dimensions of your life, same thing. Listen to everything wholeheartedly is the way to realize that everything's listening to you wholeheartedly.

[75:34]

It's not that we're making other people listen wholeheartedly. They already are. That's the only way they can. But if I don't listen wholeheartedly to myself and you, then I... incompletely realize that everybody's doing that with me. We're trying to practice it, we're trying to realize it by making what we're doing a ritual of it. This is the training part. And then it seems like everybody's obedient to us. But we can't just have the thought, everybody's obedient to us all day long, and be kind to that as the way to realize they're obedient to us.

[76:41]

We also have the thought, so-and-so is saying, I don't want to be obedient to you. That's the way they're being obedient to me. I don't appreciate what you're doing, blah, blah, blah. You're causing a lot of trouble around here, you know. And this is an opportunity to respect and realize that that was said to us because even though the person told us that they didn't respect us, they do respect us. If I don't respect myself and them, or them and therefore myself, then I don't understand that they're actually showing me that they respect me. in ways that help my understanding of this grow.

[77:43]

Yeah, I feel like part of me might want these... might want... Yeah. Might want to come to the end of these great opportunities that everybody's giving me. You know? Like, okay, thanks for all the challenges and stuff that really were... trying to help me learn how obedient you are by telling me that you're not. Part of my experience is great, but maybe someday we'll have enough of that. And I'm not saying we won't. I'm just saying that the way we realize the end of it is by swimming in it. Not by swimming to the end of it, but that's how you reach the end of it. And no matter how far you swim, you don't come to an end to it.

[79:07]

The way of coming to an end to it is to swim without coming to an end to it. I was going to mention this last time, but it didn't seem to really fit, and now it does. Great. I originally read the first couple of verses much as you described them at the beginning of the class, lost, worn out, seeking a path to not know anything. But at a certain point it sort of shifted, and beating through the endless wild grass, rivers broadening, trails going deeper, it started to sound quite nuts. When we have the endless wild grass, strength-exhausted, spirit-weary, the search can turn. Yeah, the pivot. And so now, I mean, I hadn't been able, that reading came only 10 days ago, and I hadn't been able to lose it, and so I keep going back.

[80:19]

And the first picture can now be seen as training the ox. And when we get to the sixth picture, we'll be able to see that the first picture is actually a picture of... But when we first saw the first picture, we didn't feel like we were riding. That first picture was our return flight to our true home. We felt lost. The first picture is like the sixth picture. And training with the first picture is the fifth picture. That's where we are now. The first picture is also the ox. But we're seeing the first picture now as an opportunity for training, that it's the ox.

[81:22]

Before we didn't see the ox, then we saw the traces, then we saw the ox. Now we realize the first picture, the second picture, the third picture, and the fourth picture are all the ox, and now we're training the ox. And then we realize in the sixth picture that all these pictures are our vehicle back to Buddha. All of our interactions with each other are our refuge, our way home. And we sometimes have to admit, I forgot, I got distracted from that, I thought this was something other than my path home. Sixth picture, you're kind of like, you're on your path home. And that means, even though you're basically in the same landscape you were in the first picture, this is my way home. Now I see everything's my way home.

[82:28]

But that's just the sixth picture, which maybe we'll get to next time. Which we just actually did get to, but not right now. Thank you.

[82:46]

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