I wanted to say a little bit more about gazing. In particular, someone said to me recently, you seem to be so stable. How do you do that? And I said, I think it's because I welcome being unstable. In other words, I practice giving a graciousness towards my instability. The Buddha teaches that all compounding phenomena are unstable. Some people think the Buddha taught that everything's unstable and impermanent. But more strictly, he said compounded things, things that are made, are unstable.

[01:03]

But not everything's made. Not everything's compounded or composed of various things. For example, lack of inherent existence isn't compounded. So emptiness or selflessness isn't a compounded thing. It's a characteristic of compounded things. So is it scientific, really? Buddhism aspires to be scientific, without attaching to being scientific. Again, the characteristic of all phenomena isn't really impermanent. The way things always are is not an impermanent phenomenon. But anyway, I'm not the way things always are. The way things always are applies to me, but I'm not the way you are, for example.

[02:10]

And you're not the way I am. So I'm an unstable thing, but if I practice giving in response to my instability, I appear to be stable. Thirty-eight years ago, when I was in the position of head monk at Tassajara, someone said to me, how can you sit so still? And I said, because I'm constantly moving. I would say today, I may appear to be still because I'm gracious towards my movement. I'm not saying I'm always gracious towards my movement, but when I'm gracious towards my movement, I am still. I'm not just moving. I'm present and welcoming the moving. I'm sort of, you might say, on the ball.

[03:13]

or on the surfboard of movement. But I'm upright and I'm moving on the constantly changing board. That's why surfing is so beautiful, because it's concentration. Once you can do it. People who resist instability look unstable. People who look unstable are those who are not gracious towards natural instability. People who are not still, who do not appear to be still, are those who resist movement. So, graciousness towards change, graciousness towards instability is conducive to realizing stillness and concentration. Does that make complete sense?

[04:18]

You have a question? Oh, well, I don't know how to phrase your question. I'm still not quite getting it, that's all. Well, for example, if you can accept all the changes of the board and you can welcome them and be right there saying, welcome this tilt, welcome that tilt, you're there responding with your feet and your whole posture. You're there accepting these changes. You can stay up and be upright on the board. So the board's changing. Waves are changing. But you're continuing to be looking pretty good. You're standing up on the board. But if you don't accept that the board is moving, you can turn it off. So it looks like you're very unstable because you're supremely attuned to the changing of the board. Wow, that makes sense. Thanks. So shall I move on to the next aspect, the next training in being authentic?

[05:28]

ethical discipline. We have these six precepts I just told you, and they include also what we often call bodhisattva precepts. So these six bodhisattva precepts include other bodhisattva precepts. For example, they include the bodhisattva precepts. The precept of giving includes lots of precepts about giving. There's three kinds of giving under the precept of giving. And there's three types of each of the three types of giving. And there's three types of each of them. So there's infinite aspects of the practice of giving. And ethical discipline has many, many aspects. We have in this lineage 16 Bodhisattva precepts, but the first three don't look exactly like ethical discipline, because the first three are going for refuge. in the Buddha, the Dhamma, and the Sangha. So going for refuge in Buddha, Dhamma, and Sangha is precepts.

[06:34]

It's a precept, but it's not exactly ethical to go for refuge in Buddha. It's not unethical either, but you're not really emphasizing your action in that case. You're emphasizing going home to enlightenment. But the next three, that's the first three, the next three bodhisattva precepts in Eastern India are called the three pure precepts. And these are three pure precepts for bodhisattvas, and these three precepts were taught in India, and still are, but they originated in India, transmitted to China and Tibet, et cetera, Korea, Japan, and now to the North and South hemispheres. the Western Hemisphere. And then there's 10 more, which are called prohibitory precepts. They're kind of like regulations or rules or guidelines.

[07:43]

And they sort of go into this first category here. of the three pure precepts. The three pure precepts, again, are for bodhisattvas. The first pure precept is about regulations and ceremonies. The next one's about all wholesome phenomena. The third one's about all beings. So what do you do with these three categories? You embrace them and sustain them. Bodhisattvas, embrace and sustain these three categories. Or you could say they concentrate on, or they receive, they take care of, they nurture. So the precept of embracing, sustaining regulations and ceremonies by regular suffocates. At Tassajara now, the monastery, this one is very emphasized. Because in the monastery, there's lots of details about regulations and ceremonies. We have a lot of ceremonies there. Here we got some ceremonies. I don't know if you know this, but we do. We had introductory ceremony.

[08:51]

We had a good morning ceremony. We had sitting ceremony. We had walking ceremony. We had eating ceremony. Those are ceremonies we have been performing. There are forms that he is in. The periods start with a bell, end with a bell, things like that. These are ceremonies. These are forms. We haven't... And there's some regulations, too, that you're supposed to sign up for the retreat and talk to Elizabeth. And if you can't, you pay some money to support the event. That's kind of like a regulation. Elizabeth, of course, isn't ready about that, but she's providing that form for you to relate to. And Alice also provides various forms, like talking from it. Practice that form, otherwise you will be punished.

[09:54]

Not by Alice, but by somebody. Or not punished, but you will be able to make a donation to . She wants you to know that. So the form she's following is letting you know about what's going on around her. So there's various forms we've been using to have Not all bodhisattvas are monks. Not all bodhisattvas live in monasteries and get monastic training. Some of the forms we've been using in this retreat are the same as the forms that are used in Zen monasteries. So to some extent, you have been practicing monastic forms. So in a sense, this weekend is like a little monastery, a temporary monastery which we set up We're training ourselves in this first precept. So you can relate to the forms of these sittings and walking through so on.

[10:58]

But again, not all bodhisattvas live at monasteries. Some never go near monasteries. They work in hospitals. They work in houses. They work in construction. They work in kitchens. But I propose to you that bodhisattvas all train in ethical discipline, and bodhisattvas practice regulations and ceremonies, but not necessarily monastic ones. They work with forms and ceremonies. It wouldn't surprise you to say that all bodhisattvas embrace the state of all beings. But some of the bodhisattvas who embrace and sustain all beings are professional monks. Some of them are not professional monks. It wouldn't maybe surprise you that bodhisattvas embrace and sustain and nurture all wholesome phenomena.

[12:00]

That doesn't surprise you, right? And this first one maybe doesn't need to surprise you, but I think it might surprise you that these bodhisattvas, they all follow They all work with some form of each other. So at Kasahara, the Zen-style monastery, there's a regulation to not wear jewelry in the meditation hall. So Kim has earrings on, Nina has earrings on, and so on. So at Kasahara, the question you ask, you take that off when you go in the meditation hall. However, bodhisattvas are often depicted as being highly decorated with jewelry. A lot of bodhisattvas, if you look at them, they've got jewels all over their body, like heavy-duty, is it called bling?

[13:02]

Bodhisattvas are sometimes, you know, magnificently adorned. And some Buddhas are magnificently adorned. Shakyamuni Buddha, however, or historical Buddha, was Mr. Simple, in all jewelry. He previously was a prince. And when he was a prince, he had some fancy outfits with lots of jewels about his body. But when he left home, he took off his princely outfit. And basically, he probably walked around naked for six years. Because at some point he thought, I think it's more appropriate to wear some clothes and eat some food. But for a while, for a long time, he wasn't wearing any clothes. He wasn't brushing his teeth. He wasn't washing his body. He wasn't eating much of anything. He was drinking, of course, something. But when he actually

[14:07]

He became a Buddha. He just put on a little bit of clothes, and then came forth this amazing teaching. But he was dressed very simply. Later, he was requested by a king among the students to make a uniform for his disciples, and he made a uniform. After that, they all wore sort of the same outfit. So this Buddha statue, see, he's wearing robes. See the robes here? It's got robes on. But no jewelry. So when we introduce this precept of Tassajara, people say, well, yeah, some Bodhisattvas wear duos, so how come we don't do it? This is just the form of that place. So some of the forms of Tassajara are maybe not applicable to your house. For example, we get up at about quarter to three.

[15:08]

That may not be appropriately your house. But it's what's offered there. And people relate to that. We relate to that more, to that regulation. So I'm saying to you, please think about this precept. Even though you haven't been at Monastery, If you're going to be a bodhisattva, if you're going to be authentic, you need some of these forms and ceremonies. And I think you've already got them. It would be good for you to become aware of what are the forms and ceremonies of your life. And then learn how to take care of them. And think about whether you've got a good set. Like you might think. Yeah, one of my forms is I meditate on these days for this long. You might think, that's a good form. I want to continue that form.

[16:10]

Also part of the form of the monastery is they have meditation periods set and so on, but they don't do the same thing all year. They have different meditation schedules during different parts of the week, different parts of the month, and different parts of the year. So if you look at your forms and ceremonies that you're practicing, it's also good to consider that there should be some rhythm in them. We are rhythmical beings, so our forms and ceremonies should have rhythm also. You don't necessarily practice the same amount of meditation when it's winter as when it's summer. And you don't do the same thing, so you don't do the same practice all year usually. If somebody wants to, it's okay, but if you look at the example Of some people, especially community practices, they're usually rhythm. So please look and see what forms you have. Once you have the forms, then the question is how to be authentic with them, which again will include these previous practices.

[17:25]

Start giving again. If you have a form, like if you're in a monastery, you're gracious with the forms. You welcome them. You embrace them. Ideally, you're not rigid about them. You're not clinging to them. You're not tense around them. But in fact, it often happens in monasteries that people do get tense around the forms. Well, they get help with that. And then they get feedback. You seem really tense. You seem to be... Your knuckles seem to be... around this form. You don't seem to be relaxed. The Bodhisattvas are relaxed. They wholeheartedly practice the forms and are relaxed and playful with them. That's part of being intimate is to be relaxed and playful with the thing you're intimate with. So again, this is your... I'm offering you to look at your life and see what form of ceremonies you have.

[18:29]

Are they the ones you want to have? What is your commitment to them? Do you feel enthusiasm about them? Do you feel patient with them? Are you concentrated on them? This first one is the primary one, in a way, because this is the one that will purify you of self-cleaning. With this precept, you become purified of self-cleaning, and then you naturally embrace and sustain wholesome things. If you don't take care of the formal ceremonies of your life, your self-cleaning will just flourish.

[19:35]

If you don't take care of the laws of your life, the responsibilities of your life, the formal responsibilities of your life, if you don't give them your attention, if you avoid them, that only comes from selfishness. If you're not selfish, you don't avoid your responsibilities. When you are selfish, you might. You don't necessarily avoid your responsibility if you're selfish. But if you avoid them, you are selfish. Some selfish people do take care of their responsibilities. But again, they often take care of them in a rigid way. They're taking care of them. That goes with unselfishness. But the way they take care of them is, for example, they're rigid and possessive. These are my precepts. This is my understanding of the precepts, and it's right. If anybody doesn't agree with me, it's wrong.

[20:39]

I'm better than them. That's breaking one of the precepts. So if you learn to practice forms and ceremonies in your life, in a balanced and playful and creative way that will cure you of basic problems of human existence. This is ethical training together with these other practices. It's ethical training together with patience and giving, concentration, and wisdom. Once you're free of self-puny, these practices naturally follow. Doing all kinds of wholesome things and benefiting beings. Again, as I said before, you can benefit beings even if you don't practice this first one. My father was not too good at this first one.

[21:41]

At the one of regulations and ceremonies. He was not too good at it. He didn't follow the regulations of healthy eating and drinking. and not smoking. He smoked. He had a heart attack when he was a young man. And he stopped smoking cigarettes and started smoking a pipe. Which is improvement for him. And actually, as he got closer and closer to death, as a result of his not following these precepts, he started to follow them more and more. And I'm sorry that he died so soon after, right? because he was starting to really, you know, he was starting to actually take care of himself and take care of others and practice these ceremonies and rituals of wholesomeness.

[22:44]

But again, so he benefited me, even though he didn't practice either very well. It's just that to benefit all beings in all ways, we need to practice, we need to be selfless. So selflessness is promoted and realized by using forms as ceremonies. Can you do it without that? I don't think so. You may hear stories of somebody who just meets a Buddha and the Buddha goes, good morning, and they wake up. But that person, they may not tell you that person has been practicing forms and ceremonies for a long time, and as a result of practicing forms and ceremonies, they're very concentrated and they're ready to receive the teaching, even though you don't know that's in their history.

[23:51]

If you're in a monastery, you're supplied with Lots of forms and ceremonies. If you're in a retreat, you're supplied with lots of forms and ceremonies. And if you can receive them and take care of them in a relaxed and diligent way, be devoted to them without clinging to them, you realize selflessness in that practice. But when your retreat's over or when you leave the monastery, how will you continue? So this is for you to think about. How are you, what forms are you practicing with? And when that becomes clear, are you practicing them in a generous way, in a patient way, patient with your shortcomings around it, but also noticing your shortcomings? Because part of ethical practice is to notice your shortcomings and confess and repent them in a kind and healing way. I think that what I just said was probably quite a bit.

[25:05]

So I'm going to stop now and see what response you'd like to offer. If you have any questions or discomfort with what I said, please come and give it to me. Please come. This is called Going to Meet the Teachers. Zen school. Okay. Yeah, buddy. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. So this drove up all kinds of angst for me. Yeah. Discipline, self-discipline. Yeah. Yeah, that's what it drove up. No, that's good that you noticed that, because that's what people tell me at the monastery, too. They say, when you bring up the forms of ceremonies and talk about becoming intimate with them, I feel, one person says, I feel anxiety attacks. For example, there's also a policy of not wearing socks in the meditation hall. That's the point, barefoot in the meditation hall.

[26:07]

In the cold. In the cold. And she says, when I think of that, you know, I get terrified. I said, well, you can maybe have a little first aid kit on your hip with socks on it. I mean, if you go into Zendo and you get too terrified of not having socks on it. And other things, too. People actually think their life is at risk if they follow the forms. They actually really get scared. of following the forms, like not wearing socks, not wearing parkas in the zendo. It's actually not that cold in the zendo. People are scared that they're going to freeze to death because we don't say, just wear as much clothes as you want. We say there's a certain clothing form of things, so then people get scared. Or what if I take my jewelry off? What will happen to me then? Maybe I'll be ugly. We don't say no makeup. Some people will be terrified of that. So it is normal that you become afraid when a formal ceremony is offered to you.

[27:11]

So part of becoming selfless is to welcome and become intimate with fear. Like George said, If I say, do you want to practice wholeheartedly? He says, I don't know, because that might mean giving up control. When you follow a form and ceremony, you're no longer, you sort of have to give up control, because you're not in control of the ceremonies. One could go on about this, but it is normal. If you look at the form from a distance, you think, okay, so what? As you get closer to it, you start to get scared. The closer you get to intimacy with anything, like with me and Susie Gray, the closer I got to it, the more scared I got. So I set for myself some forms and ceremonies because I'm independent, I work on my own, I have complete freedom in my life.

[28:22]

And so I created some forms and ceremonies. But then maybe the fear is happening because I go to do them and I don't. So if I were to go to a monastery, no problem. Tell me what to do. I'll do those things. You think no problem. If you have a monastery, you have a different problem. Okay. So it's just a different problem. Yeah. Once you set a form, even though you set it, then you're in danger of not following it. That's where the... And then you're in danger of feeling something which is not going to be comfortable. Somebody said, this is not an absolute reality, but somebody said, what's really joyful is to receive ethical precepts and practice them. That's really joyful. What's really painful is to receive ethical practices and not practice them. And some people say, well, I'm not going to receive them then. Because if I haven't received them and committed to them, and I don't follow them, it's not a problem.

[29:28]

I didn't say I would. So I'm not, so what? But if you say you are and then you don't, you got a problem. Just like if you get married to somebody and you say, I promise to be faithful to you, really, I promise, and then you're not, you don't feel so good. But if you say you love someone and you're not faithful, you might not feel so bad. Even though it might be trouble for them. So yeah, that's exactly But that fear is part of what, if you can open to that fear, if you can open to that fear, you might be able to open to the fear that you would have about not having a self that you can cling to. It's a warm-up to the big fear. And then if you can open to that fear, you can open to something even more difficult to call enlightenment.

[30:30]

You just answered a question I hadn't asked, which was, why? Why? Okay, I could set all these rules for my life. Get up at 6 o'clock, exercise, do your yoga, eat the special diet, do this job, get it done, go to sleep at the right time, blah, blah, blah. And after three days of that, I'm like, I don't know why I'm doing this. Forget it. Yeah. So that's why you need a song and a teacher to remind you why. Somebody said to me before this training for a Tatsara Structure, he said, what's the justification for these forms? I said, the justification for these forms is enlightenment. and two meanings of justification. One is the reason for doing them is enlightenment. The place where they have these regulations is a place for making Buddhas. That's the point of the place, is to make Buddhas. Buddhas use these ceremonies to make more Buddhas. That's one meaning of justification. The other meaning of justification is like proof. Justify what you just did, prove.

[31:33]

So enlightenment is also the proof. So it's both the reason for doing the practice and it's the proof of the pudding. So someone could say, well, I've been practicing for quite a while and I don't have the enlightenment to prove it. I say, well, practice more. You haven't really proved it yet. But that is the proof. The proof is an enlightened person. And then this led person says, I practiced these precepts for a long time. And by the way, these precepts are called in Sanskrit, pratyamoksha, which means that which is conducive to liberation. So the proof is freedom and enlightenment. That's the proof that these things work. And the Buddha's they're saying, I'm a Buddha, and I did these practices, and I'm the proof of these practices. If you want to be like me, do these practices. Not just these, all of them, but these are the scariest ones in a way.

[32:35]

But giving can be scary too. If you're really generous, you might also feel, when you're really generous, you give up trying to control too. If you give somebody a gift and you're trying to give something back, that's not giving them control. If you give somebody a gift and you're not trying to control how they use it even, that's really giving. Here's a dollar and I'm not, you know, it isn't like you can't use this for drugs. I'm really giving you a dollar. And I don't know what you're going to use it for. You may be telling me, but I don't know. I'm still giving it to them. So that can make people afraid, too, giving. All these practices can give rise to fear, which is based on self-thinking. So if somebody else said to me some problem in her life, and then just a few days ago somebody else told me about some problems in her life, and she says, I was taught to put things behind me and move forward. I think to let go of things and move forward is fine. But letting go means bring them out in front and let them go.

[33:39]

What people are taught is put them behind you, shove them back there, and move forward. But if you put things behind you, and if you shove things behind you, you will not be able to move forward. They will anchor you, they'll keep pulling you back. So I said, no, I think it's better to bring things out in front of you and move forward to meet them. And then you will move forward on the Buddha way. all these difficulties, bring that anxiety out in front and move forward and embrace it and welcome it, and then you'll move through it. And your reward will, more anxiety will arise. Okay, fine, bring it forward, put it out in front of you, move towards it, meet it, and move through it. We need something which will help us become conscious of what we're afraid of, of what we're struggling with. You're welcome. I wanted to ask you about continuity.

[35:03]

You mentioned that as, and I ask because it's my name, it's continuous offering. And so continuous is kind of koan for me. What does the continuous and continuous offering mean? What does it mean? How can I move towards that? Well, one meaning of continuous offering is offering, [...] offering. So it looks continuous, maybe. It's not lasting. There's offering that's going, make another offering, make another. In every moment, make an offering. That's continuous offering. nothing continues, really. I said, you know, not everything is impermanent, but that doesn't mean things last. So ultimately, truth doesn't last.

[36:05]

It's just a characteristic of all the things that don't last. So if the offering doesn't last, it's just for now. and now and now and now in other words continuity continuous offering means i want to offer every moment of my life i'm off i i'm committed to the practice of my name which is to make every moment an offer make everything make every moment an offer never forget to practice giving i i vow to never forget practicing gift. No matter what I'm experiencing, I make it a gift. I'm committed to that. I'm not saying I always do, but I'm committed to make every thought, every feeling, every action, a body, speech, and mind a gift. That's great. That is great. It is great. So please practice that in your name.

[37:07]

I'll try. Yes, great. I'll try with you, even though it's not my name. You have a good name. Please come. I'm doing my reading. One of the things that I was trying to understand, and I found a parallel that helped me with this, but there's a story in here that's about... practicing the way that you, what was it, Yaoshan? Yaoshan, right. Yes. That means medicine mountain. Medicine mountain. Yaoshan came to a great ancestor and was, yes, I'm going to go back and illustrate a little bit.

[38:14]

and asked about the practices. I don't understand the relationship between me and Buddha. I've heard that Buddha is happy and free, but these practices are not giving me unassailable freedom or a contented heart. And the response was, practicing the way you've been practicing won't do. Practicing the opposite way won't do. And combining the two won't do at all. So there's no place to stand. You can't do this by your own power. How about you? And it goes on through the story. And so I thought about this, and especially in terms of the, you know, keeping regulations and ceremonies, that it's not on our own. Not on our own power, but it's something about creating receptivity. Would that be a correct way of looking at this? That's an aspect of the correct view, I would say. So the example she's bringing up is of this monk named Yaoshan who really had been devoted to practicing this form of the ceremonies.

[39:23]

But the justification had not occurred. He hadn't realized awakening, even though he'd been really practicing the Forms and Samans. So he went to see this Zen teacher, and he said, it hasn't worked yet. So how should I practice? And the teacher said, being like this won't do. The way you're practicing won't do. Not being the way you are won't do either. And neither being the way you are or not being the way you are, that's not going to work at all. So one way to understand this is that he's practicing these precepts really sincerely, but being that way is not going to work. Why won't it work? Because being that way is not really practicing precepts. Practicing precepts means you're so intimate with it

[40:26]

that you can't grasp being that way. I find some understanding of that with a parallel or a synchronicity to the notion of grace, of working for something that you don't receive because you're working for it, but you wouldn't receive if you didn't. Right. Right. So you're working on these precepts, you're working on these ceremonies and forms, and if you think that the way you're working on them is going to be it, then you're clinging to them. So you're doing these practices, but without thinking that doing these practices is it. But you have to do something to find out that you're thinking that doing this something will give you something.

[41:28]

And if you think of doing something where you get to the point where you're not trying to get something, then you get scared. Like, what would happen to me if I did something without trying to get something? If I gave up trying to control by doing these practices? You'd be scared if you think of that. But if you really wholeheartedly do it, you get to the place where you're performing them, but you're not performing them thinking that performing them is it. You don't think that performing them is enlightenment. What's enlightenment is that you're performing them in an authentic way. And when you perform in an authentic way, you're generous with them. When you're generous with these practices, you don't cling to them. So when you wholeheartedly practice something without clinging to it, you're authentic. And that creates an open heart. And that creates an open heart. And you could say that then you receive this thing, but then actually you become what you always wanted. But at the same time, you don't make yourself into the Buddha. You do that together with the Buddhas.

[42:30]

But you have to be there and be open to do this dance with them. And then also, so practicing whatever way you're practicing is not going to be it. But then not doing it that way is not going to be it. If I do it some other way or give up the practice, that's not going to be it. And to try to do both is really confusing. Most people, when they're doing a practice, the problem is that they think doing it is it. No. No. Doing it is necessary, however, in order to realize it, what we really want from whatever practices like wisdom and compassion, fearlessness, skillfulness, you know, in helping people. That's what we really want. And that we get that, when we become who we really are, practicing something.

[43:37]

So how can you be authentically yourself when you're doing some exercise program? Well, to be authentically who you are means this is not it and not this one. To be who you are, there's no place to stand to be who you are. If you stand someplace, you missed yourself. So the teacher said this to Yashan, and Yashan didn't give it. Even though he was a future master, he didn't understand. Being like this won't do, not being like this won't do either, and being both this way and not this way won't do at all. And Yashan said, do you have any further instruction? And he said, I'm not going to give you any further instruction, but I'll send you to somebody else. So he sent him to another teacher. And then that teacher said, and we don't know if one teacher sent word ahead or what, but he went to see the other teacher and he said, what happened?

[44:42]

And the other teacher said, sometimes I raise my eyebrows and blink. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes raising the eyebrows and blinking works, is right, and sometimes raising the eyebrows and blinking is not right. How about you? The previous court, by the way, said, how about you? How about you? How about being you? This isn't going to work. That's not going to work. Attaching to this won't work. Attaching to that won't work. Attaching to both won't work. Attaching to neither won't work. How about you? Who are you? That's what it comes down to. And the second guy says, sometimes I do this. Sometimes I do that. Sometimes it's right. Sometimes it's not. How about you? That time he got it. What did he get? He got being the self that he can't get a hold of.

[45:44]

He got understood, total engagement in body and mind with the help of these compassionate teachers. And he continued to do the practices, but now totally authentically, not in doing them, just the practices. Or just him, you know. The practice, they're just what I am. I'm nothing but them, they're nothing but me. I can't get a hold of anything and they can't get a hold of me. So now, I've realized what I want. You're welcome. Is that a good book? That's just a book. I recommend it. And the character on the cover is Ceremonies.

[46:48]

It's written, well, actually the red part is just part of the character Yeah, in the back, the red part's half and the gray part's the other half. And the gray part means being upright or being righteous or meaning. And the left part is human or person. When you unite person with meaning, that's ceremony. Ceremony is a way for humans to connect with meaning. All the time you put the human together with the meaning, and the human tenses up around the meaning. So the ceremony doesn't quite work. When the human joins the meaning to the ceremony without grasping the ceremony, the meaning blossoms together with the human. The human and the meaning blossom together when the human's not attaching to the ceremony. But not attaching to the ceremony doesn't count if you don't even try.

[47:58]

So people hear, well, non-attachee ceremony is going to bring meaning. Well, I'm not attached to the ceremony. I've never even heard of it. But to practice Zen, like, for example, to practice sitting and not attach to the sitting, for most people, it takes a lot of training. Before they start, they've already achieved it. But once they start doing it, they start to get more and more attached. After many years, they're not attached to it anymore. And then that's the fruit. And the Buddha did various forms to be Buddha. And then he said one time, you might think that because I do the forms that I did before I was Buddha that I'm attached to these forms, but I'm not attached to them. I just do them because I like to. And to show you a form that you can use. I'm not actually attached to them. I don't need any more. I'm enlightened no matter what I do now. But I still like these forms. Anything else you want to bring up at this time?

[49:06]

Yes, please. the afternoon. Something you said this morning started me thinking about, or maybe just being in, this kind of ultimate place where I'm connected with everything, I'm part of everything. I love everything, everything loves me. Yeah, authentic. Sort of place, yeah. Authentic place. And then I looked over at my wife and I said, well, wait a minute. Isn't what we have something special, something more than this thing that we've got with

[50:08]

With the whole universe. Isn't what you've got... Can you help me with that? Isn't what you have with your wife something more than you've got with the whole universe? Yeah. More? What do you mean by more? How can some part of the whole be more than the part? Got it. Okay. What you have with your wife is unique. You only have one relationship like this one. There's no other one like it. But also your relationship with Rachel, you only have that with her. She's not your wife, but you have a unique relationship with her, and the universe makes your relationship. And your universe is supporting your relationship with your wife. Your relationship is not more than the universe. But the universe makes this relationship.

[51:11]

And that's the interconnectedness. And that's the origins of your relationship, because the whole universe is supporting you. Oops. That was part of stick work. Just a quick question.

[52:18]

Can you tell the story about Willie Mays? Roy was walking up the stairs with a book and I saw a picture of Willie Mays on the book. A biography of him. I said, I have a story about Willie Mays. so here's the story the story is I was on vacation with my wife in the sea area in Nevada and we were watching a TV show about I think about about auctioning stuff or something.

[53:22]

And they had this, one of the auction items, auctioning kind, mostly sort of antiques, but anyway, basically auctioning art. So one of the things they had on auction was a baseball uniform. And it said on the uniform, Millers, 28. I think it said 28. Is that his number? That was, I think, one of the footbells. What? That was his number. I think it was one of the footbells. Yeah. That wasn't his number? I think four was his meal. Yeah. Yeah. So 28 was the number. And it turns out that this shirt was William Hayes' number when he played with the Minneapolis Millers. And he played with the Minneapolis Millers, I think, until maybe 1952 or something, 1951.

[54:28]

51. Yeah. So his shirt was being auctioned off at this auction. And it was in perfect condition. And... And I said, at that time, right around that time, I made a friend, and he was a bat boy for the Minneapolis Millers. And he used to take me to watch the games while he was the bat boy. I didn't know it, but I was watching Willie Mays play. So you might think, that's not a story about Willie Mays, it's a story about you. But that's what kind of a treat this is.

[55:34]

All the stories about Willie Mays are about you. All the stories about Willie Mays. I mean, all the stories about you are stories about Willie Mays. And I still remember that beautiful minor league ballpark and the beautiful green grass and the summer sun. I didn't find the baseball game that interesting. I just looked at the sun and the grass. It was so lovely. And then a couple, a few years later, they got twins. No more Millers. And Willie Mays left the little town and went to New York. Any last feedback or questions, comments?

[56:49]

If there's nothing else, can you tell us some stories about Suzuki Roshi and authenticity? Well, I thought all the stories I told you about Suzuki were about authenticity. Oh, they were, but just... You want more? Yeah. Well, there's so many I'm having trouble choosing which one to tell you.

[58:00]

Tell us the funny one. The funny one? I don't hear any funny ones coming. Did you find yourself really frustrated? Pardon? Did you find yourself really frustrated? Frustrated with Suzuki Rishi? Uh-huh. I actually was wondering why I didn't.

[59:12]

I felt frustrated in our relationship. I only felt frustrated in the sense that when he gave me what I wanted, I tried to get away from it. I felt frustrated in that sense. I felt frustrated with my lack of courage to be with him. But I wasn't frustrated with my own courage. One time I was riding an airplane with him. And he was very sick and in great pain. We didn't know at the time, but he was having a gallbladder attack. We had been traveling to Portland, Oregon. We were coming back on the airplane. He was in a lot of pain. And I was kind of frustrated. I felt frustrated in being present with him. I couldn't like just be in the seat next to my teacher. I kept thinking of being someplace else.

[60:14]

And I was ashamed, you know, that I wouldn't just be there with him, a really good attendant, to share his suffering. But I just kept... I know that my mind was flying away to someplace other than being in the seat of an airplane You'd think, well, geez, again, how fortunate that I get to be with my teacher when he's sick. So I felt kind of frustrated with myself and ashamed of myself not to be able to be with him. I kind of confessed and repented that, and that helped me later be able to be present with him in his later suffering, which I didn't run away from. So we thought when he came back and had his gallbladder removed, we thought that he'd be healthier. Because oftentimes when people have their gallbladder removed, they're kind of healthier in a way because his clogged filter is out.

[61:20]

and they just changed their diet to not eat much fat or oil, and they're oftentimes healthier, because they're kind of, the clog filter is not in the way anymore. And he was kind of healthier for a while, but then he was diagnosed with liver cancer. So then I wasn't so frustrated. I was able to be with him for that last illness. But the first one, I couldn't stand the acute part. I was ashamed of myself. like being given a great opportunity and not be able to accept it. I was frustrated. But my general relationship with him, I thought, how come I don't have any problems with him, like in the Zen stories? Everything was always easy with him. And I said, you know, am I missing something? Actually, the first part of my practice, I had a really, really hard time with pain and sitting. I really had a lot of pain for a while.

[62:23]

And then I sort of didn't have much problems after that. I was sitting a long time and very comfortably. I thought maybe I'm in denial. So I went to see him and I said, I'm not having a hard time. Is something wrong? And he said, practice may not be difficult for you sometimes. And then later I went to him and I said, I never have any problems with you. We never have any trouble. Are we missing something? And he said, if you keep practicing with me, you will have. Did he hit me? No. Did you? No. What? Did what? She just said, did you have problems then?

[63:26]

No, I never did. Because he died. He died shortly later. And he entered into his illness. And when he was sick, I had no problems with him. So I think if he did live longer, we would have had some problems with him. Yes. You mentioned Suzuki Roshi was the founder of the San Francisco Zen Center, but wasn't he much more than that? Wasn't he the person who brought Zen to the United States, or might you be giving him to someone else? I don't know a lot about that. Yeah, he kind of brought it to the United States, that's right. He's kind of like, in terms of transmitting the practice, he's like one of the main people. Yeah. So he came to... San Francisco, and he did bring the teaching. But other Zen priests brought the teaching, too. And Tibetan teachers brought the teaching, and Chinese, and Korean. A lot of other people brought it.

[64:27]

But he was one of the main people. And he's the founder of San Francisco Zen Center and . Yeah. Tell the hamburger story. Okay. Yes. Well, the form of it was that I thought to myself, I'm not being present with my teacher. It's not so much that he needed me, but I had the opportunity to be intimate with him in his suffering, and I was running away from that opportunity, and I felt ashamed of myself. I noticed that I was doing that, and I felt sorrow at missing the opportunity of being with him at that time.

[65:30]

My sorrow in feeling that was my repentance. The first meaning of repentance in the dictionary is sorrow, but it's not any old kind of sorrow. It's a sorrow which reforms. It's a sorrow about what you did that reforms you. And I think I did feel a sorrow which made me in the future, which encouraged me in the future to be present with him when he was having difficulties. That was the form in that case. Sometimes the form is you actually say to somebody else. But I wasn't thinking in those terms at that time. But now I might say, in the presence of the Buddhas, I might say, O Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, please concentrate your heart on me. I, Tenjin Zenki, confess that I was inattentive, or I was impatient, or I was I'm kind, and I'm ashamed of that, and I'm sorry about that.

[66:33]

You might have that form. And I might offer incense before and prostrate myself before. That would be a normal thing. And we do confessionary attendance as a group at Zen Center every day. But we don't say specifics. We just say, all my past action I can fully avow. We do that every day. And we do once a month in a kind of bigger way. And people come individually and speak of specifics. So you can have an individual meeting where you speak of specifics. You can also speak in, sometimes people speak in front of the group. They say sometimes, I would just like to apologize to the whole sangha that I did such and such. You know, that I was unkind or I was inattentive. You know, I didn't, like sometimes we have, some people are supposed to ring the wake-up bell and sometimes the person who's supposed to ring it doesn't ring it.

[67:36]

And they come before the whole sangha sometimes and say, I'm sorry I didn't wake you up this morning. Did you want the hamburger story? No, there's a hamburger story. How many people have not heard the hamburger story? So here's one version of the hamburger story. Tsukiyoshi's riding to Tassajara in the early days. And a young man, a young student, is going down to Tassajara with him. And they stop at a restaurant on 101, probably Gilroy or Morgan Hill, before there was a freeway. And they stop. And the young man orders, I think, a grilled cheese sandwich. This is before veganism was popular. He was a vegetarian, and he thought that was appropriate to Zen practice, which it is.

[68:41]

And Suzuka, she ordered a hamburger. And the young man sort of said, well, you're a Zen master or something like that. How come you shouldn't be eating a hamburger? Why are you eating a hamburger? And Suzuka, she said, actually, it's too much for me. You eat it. And I'll have the cheese sandwich. Also, whenever I went out to eat with Suzuki Roshi, I didn't order anything. because he never finished his food and gave it to me to eat. Both he and his wife would, you know, whenever we went to a restaurant, they would give me their dinner. So I learned that if I got one, I had to have two and a half more. So just, you know, just eating theirs was sufficient. So Sukershi, when he was young, Buddhism was semi-suppressed in Japan.

[69:53]

because of the Meiji Restoration, Shintoism was sponsored and supported by the government, but Buddhism was seen as kind of foreign. So during his youth, his family was very poor. So he got used to not wasting food. So anyway, every time he went out, he would never let any of his food go to waste if I was there. And I happily eat it. Yes? Do you have any contact with Kaigeri Roshi? And if so, do you have anything to say about him? Did I have any contact with him? As a matter of fact, I did. The first time I went to Zen Senra, I went to Tassajara in August of 67. And I went there to visit one of my closest high school, actually junior high school and high school friends, who was at Tussauds.

[71:05]

And then I came back to Zen Center later in the fall to explore the possibility of practicing at Zen Center. I was in graduate school, but I wasn't really sure that I wanted to enter into academia. Even though it had a lot of attractive qualities, I wasn't sure. I had a vision one night, if I did get my PhD, that then I would become, after that, an assistant professor. I'm going to be a teaching assistant and an assistant professor, and then maybe an associate professor, and then a full professor, and then chairman of the department, and then professor emeritus, and then I die. And I thought, something's missing in this. For me, there's some heroic dimension that's missing.

[72:08]

And I kept being interested in things which seemed to be outside the normal scope of what you can write research grant proposals for. My advisor kept kind of saying, I think you've got to narrow down here more to the the traditional forms and ceremonies of academic training. And I kind of didn't want to sign up for that training course. So I was exploring, maybe, wanting to study Buddhism for a while. So I went to Zen Center. Knowing that Suzuki Roshi was there, and I went to the address of Zen Center. It's on Bush Street, 1881 Bush Street in San Francisco, near the corner of Bush and Laguna. I went up to the address, knocked on the door, and a Japanese man opened the door and let me in. And I went in, and the room was quite full of middle-aged to old-aged Japanese men.

[73:25]

who were smoking cigarettes, and they seemed to be playing Go. And I sat there and watched them play Go for quite a while. And I was thinking, this is kind of really interesting Zen Center. But I thought it might be a Zen Center. You know, Japanese people. So after, I don't know, maybe 10 minutes, maybe half an hour, probably not more than a half an hour, I said, He says, this is Zen Center. And I said, no, it's next door. So it's 1881B, 1881A Bush. So I just walked next door and knocked on the door. And a Japanese man came to the door. And he had a shaved head and robes. And I thought, oh, this is probably Suzuki Roshi. I didn't say, are you Suzuki Roshi? But I thought it was.

[74:28]

And I said, I've come to meet the president of the Zen Center to talk about becoming a member of this group. And he said, oh, come in. And he brought me into his office and said, you can sit here and wait for the president. And then he went back to his desk and started working, continued his work. And I watched him, and I thought, boy, I knew Suzuki Roshi was about 62 in that range. And I thought, boy, he really looks young. This Zen is really good stuff. He looks like he's, what, 38. For 62, boy, he's really well-preserved. And I watched him work, and he was writing, and he kept falling asleep while he was writing.

[75:29]

He was so tired, but he kept trying to write. He'd write, and he'd fall down. Really hard-working guy. Impressed me. And then the president came, and I went to meet with him. And I said, was that Suzuki Roshi? He said, no, that's Katagiri sensei. That's when I first met him. And so it was 1968, so I was, I think, quite close to him from 68 to 1990. And when he, and actually I was one of the people recommended when he said he wanted to leave Zen Center that he go to Minnesota. And then after he went, he kindly invited me to come there and teach Buddhist psychology and Buddhist philosophy of the Abhidharma. And still, so one of the things he transmitted to me was his body practice.

[76:31]

And in particular, the way he joined his tang. He transmitted to me. I mean, I feel when I'm bowing, I feel his hands and my hands when I'm bowing. I have that close feeling for him. I don't feel like I do Suzuki Roshi's bow because he had a broken finger. His finger was broken like this, so he couldn't straighten his finger, so his gausho was kind of like this. So it's hard for me, I couldn't copy his. So I feel like I am, to some extent, Katagiri Roshi's disciple. And he was very kind to me. So I could tell quite a few stories about him too. Go for it. Anything else you want to bring up at the final moments?

[77:33]

And we'd just like to thank you for the pauses or spaces that you put between when you're giving teachings and you say something and then you stop. And give a chance to say again. It's so important to take time. have those spaces at the end of each thing. You kind of look around and feel that, okay, I think he got it, and then move on. And that's it. For me, that's because I just don't keep up otherwise. So I really appreciate that. Thank you for the encouragement. I wish to continue that practice. Like in music, there's rests. part of the music. I thought you were trying to figure out what to say next. I just want to say some words of thanks to many, many people who helped put this retreat on, to Tony and Rachel, Joel, Brett, and shoot, Alexandra.

[79:12]

And Donna, for all the help you gave with the retreat. And to Paul for doing the recordings. If you'd like a recording, he's got a piece of paper out there describing to you how to get recordings of this whole two-day period. So thank you, Paul. And thank you, Joe, for giving us a wonderful opportunity. We're grateful. And to Elizabeth and Leon. Leon ran over and got the batteries. Thank you, Elizabeth. Wonderful. And, of course, thank you, Rev. We couldn't do this without you. And also without you. Well, I sound expendable. Well, thank you. Thank you, Alex. We both are expendable. That's why we need the next generation. So we're going to be bye-bye soon. Thank you for coming. Thank you very much. Thank you. Wake up.

[80:27]

Wake up. You sleep in. Get up. Get up. Get up. And cheer up. Cheer up. The sun has been lit. Love will not be happy. Though I've been blue, now I'm walking through fields of flowers. Rain may glisten, but still I listen for hours and hours. That's not the usual way that it goes. Though I've been blue now, I'm walking through fields of flowers. Rain may glisten, but still I listen for hours and hours. I'm just a kid again, doing what I did again, singing a song. When the red, red robin comes bopping along, bopping along.

[81:35]

I'll do this.

[81:47]

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