Today I would like to talk with you about what might seem like two different vehicles. One vehicle could be called the individual vehicle and the other vehicle, the universal vehicle. individual vehicle also is sometimes called the vehicle of the listeners and also sometimes called the small vehicle. The great vehicle is also called the Bodhisattva vehicle.

[01:05]

or the Buddha vehicle. And our compassionate ancestor, Suzuki Roshi, said, famously, he said, our practice is, he said, Hinayana, with Mahayana understanding. Our practice is small vehicle practice with great vehicle or universal vehicle understanding. Now, he's quite a popular teacher, so a lot of people, when they hear that, they might say, oh, okay, that's our practice.

[02:15]

Small vehicle with great vehicle understanding. That's our practice, those two. But the great vehicle understanding might be that what I just said is something you should not abide in. you could have a small vehicle understanding of this thing I just said. The small vehicle seems like it's abiding in something, like in a person. The large vehicle does not abide in anything and includes everybody. But there is this kind of like small vehicle apparently of what you might call your practice or my practice like my sitting or your sitting my yoga practice or your yoga practice this is like part of our life in practice and so we we get together and sit at individual places and in a sense do individual practice

[03:37]

The Mahayana's understanding is that the practice we're really devoted to is a practice that includes all the individual practices. And it's the way that all the individual practices are practicing the same practice and the same enlightenment. And this morning I mentioned that I could see the sitting practice as a gift When I first started practicing sitting, it seemed like I was seeing sitting, meditation, as what I was doing.

[04:54]

And I wanted to do it with other people because I had trouble doing it by myself. But I did not think when I first started practicing that my sitting was a gift that had been given to me. I didn't see it that way. I thought, well, there's a practice and I want to do it. But it didn't occur to me that that practice which I wanted to do was something that had been given. It didn't cross my mind. But now I see it was given to me. I did receive it and I did practice it. Even though I did not understand when I first started sitting that the sitting that I was practicing with my friends had been given to me and given to them, still at some point I started to feel grateful for the sitting.

[06:10]

But I still, I didn't, again, understand, I'm grateful for the gift of studying. And then I asked to be ordained as a priest. And Sister Gary, she said something like, okay. And then we had an ordination ceremony. And before the ordination ceremony, I asked his wife, who we called Oxon at that time, if some gift would be appropriate for me to give to the teacher to express my thanks for being, for the gift of being ordained. And she said, well, your gift would be your practice. So then I thought from then on, off and on, well... My practice is my gift to the teacher who gave me the gift of being a priest, a Zen priest.

[07:16]

But I feel like I could have remembered that more often. Now I'm remembering it more often. Now when I sit, I feel like this sitting I'm doing is a gift I'm receiving. It's a gift to be sitting here with you. The sitting practice is a gift plus the opportunity to do it with you is a gift. And you come into practice with me is a gift. And the gift I give in response to this gift is the gift. I give the sitting which has been given to me to express my gratitude for the gift. So my sitting... is a gift to me and my sitting is a gift to you and my sitting is a gift to the person who ordained me and to all the other teachers that I've met and to all the ancestors of the person who ordained me so my sitting is a gift to unlimited beings

[08:39]

My gift is a gift to Buddhas, Bodhisattvas, and people who are on the individual vehicle. If any of you are practicing by yourself and not interested in the universal vehicle, I still sit as a gift to you. If any of you are on the universal vehicle, practicing for and with everybody, then my sitting is a gift to you. right now is a gift and I try to remember that. And I succeed sometimes in remembering, oh, this, this, this personal body sitting upright is a gift to all beings and it's a gift to express my gratitude that all beings have given me this, this practice. This could be called my Mahayana understanding of what I am doing.

[09:50]

What I'm individually doing is actually something that I don't actually do by myself because it was given to me. And also what I'm doing is being given. In that place, I'm not really doing it I'm just in the middle of a process of generosity. I live in this river or ocean or hurricane of generosity. And I can remember that that's where I'm really living. And I also take responsibility for this posture and these words and these other gestures, which I, in a sense, am doing with your support. you are all pervading me to be this way and the way I am pervades all of you and yet I am a particular way which you can see and I can see my hand is a particular way my voice is a particular way

[11:06]

But the way it is, is the way all of you are making me be. And the way you make me be pervades all of you. So, in a way, I am an individual practicing But my Mahayana, my great vehicle, my universal vehicle understanding is the individual is nothing but what all of you make me to be. What all of you give me to be. And then immediately it's the other way around. That what you make me to be is a gift to all of you. So I accept this apparent individual vehicle.

[12:13]

I accept responsibility for it. And again, the first responsibility I think of for this gift of being me in the form of a Zen priest, sitting meditation, walking meditation, other kinds of meditation, my basic response to this gift of me is to make me a gift. That's my basic response. And I am fulfilling that every moment. But I may or may not remember it. So another part of my basic response is to remember that you have given me this life and I make this life a gift to you. I remember that and then I notice that that's so. I notice I am receiving this life and I am giving this life and when I notice that then I notice I am practicing receiving this life and giving this life.

[13:14]

Every moment I receive this life from all of you and all the Buddhas and ancestors, and every moment I give this life to all of you and all the Buddhas and ancestors. Remembering that, receiving that, practicing that, is then, is again giving that. The way I give it is to remember that I'm receiving it and giving. If I were to practice without this understanding, it still might be quite beneficial for me to sit quietly for a moment that might be good. For me to sit upright and balance my posture might be beneficial to me and some other people.

[14:22]

But let's talk just about me for the moment. It might be beneficial to me. But beneficial to me alone, although it's really beneficial, it's not liberating unless it's joined to this great understanding. joining it to great understanding is not just good, it is liberation from good and not good. But it is good. Even though I don't know what good is. It is. And the more it becomes good, the more it realizes that it's not good. And this again is a big understanding of my little goodness. On Thursday I went to the California Academy of Sciences with my leader.

[16:02]

And I was given some snacks to give to her. So we were sitting in some chairs waiting for a show. about how to release trapped whales and so took the snacks out and she was eating strawberries and she came to one strawberry that was not as cute as the other strawberries it's kind of like had lots of folds in it and wrinkles and she said this one's for you Old strawberry for an old man. And I ate it. So there I was being an old man eating strawberries.

[17:30]

Unbeknownst to my leader, I was working at being an old man eating strawberries completely. And being so thoroughly an old man eating strawberries that I was not an old man eating strawberries. So I was free of being an old man and eating strawberries. I was given the opportunity by her and all beings to eat that strawberry and to be assigned the role of old man And if I'm half-heartedly an old man or even a third-heartedly an old man, then I'm trapped in being an old man.

[18:42]

But even the individual vehicle, if you do it completely, the individual vehicle of you being who you are, you will realize the universal vehicle, which is you are not who you are when you are completely who you are. And this liberates all beings. it is conceivable that somebody tells me I'm an old man and it's conceivable that I wholeheartedly accept that how that saves all beings is inconceivable but that is the great vehicle teaching that being an individual or being practicing your own practice completely

[20:07]

you realize that you are not you. And that realization, based on wholeheartedly being you, that's what saves all sentient beings. And that's the practice. You, not being you, is the practice which you are doing with everybody. you not being me is the practice that i am doing with everybody not reb is the practice that reb does with everybody but reb also has to be reb in order to realize not reb

[21:09]

If I'm not me, who am I? It's not that you're not... Oh, if you're not you, who are you? If you're not you, who are you? You're everything that's not you. That's who you are. You're Simon. You're Peter. You're Andrea. You're the sound of the traffic. You're the moon and the sun and the stars. You're everything that's not you. That's what you are. And you're nothing more than that. But the way you're you is different than the way Simon is you because everything that's not Simon includes you. You're part of what's not Simon. Simon doesn't make Simon. That's the way he's different from you. He doesn't make Simon.

[22:23]

you don't make Justin that's the uniqueness of you is that you don't produce you but you do produce Simon but the uniqueness of Simon is not that Justin produces him because Justin also produces me the uniqueness of Simon is not Simon producing Simon but I'm also not Simon but I'm not But I'm uniquely Rev not making Rev. And that understanding is what liberates beings. And we're all helping each other realize that, to work that out. Granddaughters are helping us.

[23:24]

Yes. It occurs to me that we're really often proud of our uniqueness, but what you're just describing is uniquenesses, and nothing much for us to be proud of. Proud of my uniqueness means I'm proud of everything that's not me. Yeah. That's a lot to be proud of. You often think, I'm unique, you know. Yeah. Well, you are unique. And if you do that job, if you accept that fully, you will realize more and more that you are not you. And that is what liberates. But you must be totally you. in order to realize not you. And being totally you, as you, I think, understand, is an infinitely challenging opportunity.

[24:44]

In easy times, in pleasant times, in calm times, it's infinitely challenging. In difficult times, it's infinitely challenging. It's always infinitely challenging to be completely our self. So that's the individual responsibility part. But then also listen to the teaching of the great vehicle. Yes? When you include everyone and you're saying you're Simon, you're Peter, you're the moon, you're the sun, that is not you either. That's what you said. I just said, that's not me.

[25:48]

That's not me. You're not me. Yeah, but But when you, from what I heard, is that you were including all means in everything. I include all the, I include, and so do you, I include all not me. I perfectly include all not me. All not me. Exactly. So all not me can be seen, can be recognized. No, you can't, oh, thanks for playing that. No, you can never realize. Well, you just. And not you can never be realized. Not you, I am. I disagree, and you made me disagree. I am, [...] I am what I am, as Popeye says. I am the realization of not me. That's what I am. However, I do not know the not me. It is inconceivable.

[26:50]

The not me is inconceivable, even though I see all of you. You're not the full not me. I include everything that's not me, not just you. And that is incomprehensible and incoherent and inconceivable. That I do not know. However, I realize it. I realize it and I am the realization of it. And I am the unique realization of all those not me's. And you are too. You do realize it. And realizing it is something we have to practice in order to understand that we realize it. But the way I include all of you, the way you pervade me, and the way I pervade all you, is inconceivable. You see, this is a teaching. And that teaching is that way

[27:51]

is the way of universal liberation. The way you all pervade me and I pervade all of you is the path of universal liberation. And the other way is not really liberation. My own thing that I do, something I do by myself, is not liberation. It's just an opportunity to be that completely and realize that that really is not that. Yes? Ma. I'm not unique without all of the needs. My uniqueness depends on everybody else. That's correct. And uniqueness is a relationship. That's correct. Not something I own or have. You do not own your uniqueness. Everybody else does. You make no contribution to your uniqueness. But uniqueness is perfectly accomplished by all of us. by our kindness.

[28:52]

So we own you. You're our baby. You're not your own baby. However, we're your baby. So don't worry. We've got plenty of babies. Yes. It strikes me that pride in some way should be a bell reminding us that we have failed to be fully ourselves. In a way, it means we have stepped outside of ourselves and looked back and said, aha. It could be a reminder, as you said, but then it could be another reminder, which would be, be fully proud. If you can be fully proud and fully forgetting that you didn't make yourself, you will realize not forgetting making yourself. So it can be an initial thing that when we have consciousness, there seems to be somebody there, and consciousness is basically afflicted by four afflictions.

[30:03]

And one of them is self-pride. Another one is self-confusion. Another one is self-view. In other words, we're confused about what the self is, and we're proud of it. However, if I would notice that I'm proud of this self, and I'm confused about this self, and it's as though I see things through this self, and I love this self, if I could totally be that, then I wouldn't even have to remember. I just have to remember totally being that. I don't have to remember the teaching. I've already heard it. I will realize it. And then self-pride won't really function anymore. and self-confusion and so on. So it could be an initial bell to remind me, oh, that I should pay attention, because that is one of the afflictions that comes with a sense of self, self-pride. And you could say, be proud that, you know, whatever, you can be proud of anything.

[31:13]

In other words, I did it without everybody's help. You could feel like that about anything. But being aware of that completely and accepting that completely, then you open to, I didn't do this by myself. I didn't make myself, and I didn't make any of the things that I'm proud of. So it could be a reminder of the affliction, of pride, and then a reminder of the opportunity. The more pride becomes pride, the more pride realizes not pride. It isn't that we switch from pride to not pride, it's just that there's the liberation. And then the more that not pride is itself, the more it is pride, which is also called not not pride.

[32:13]

And so on. Can you put that teaching in the context of identity? Yeah, identity. I feel like so many of us get stuck in identity. We're stuck in identity is similar to stuck in self. Yeah, I mean that's how we brought up here and also it's a big deal in this country. Everybody makes us, we're brought up that way. Everybody's making us a person who's stuck when we're stuck. When we're stuck, we didn't make ourselves stuck. I did not make myself stuck. All of you made me stuck. However, my responsibility is for me to be stuck. It's not your, well, it's your responsibility too. It's my responsibility. Even though you made me, I'm responsible to be stuck when I'm stuck. If I wish to be fully alive and realize the liberation of all beings.

[33:19]

I have to completely be stuck in my identity. So either individually or universally and in order to actually you could try individually to be completely your own stuck identity or to realize your own stuckness in identity, you can try that on your own, and I would predict to you that you will not be able to be fully stuck in your identity unless you get help from everybody. And you do get help from everybody, so you don't have to go around looking for it, you just have to open to the help and ask for it. It's already there, but in order to be completely stuck in yourself or stuck in your identity, in order to really be that way, you need the help of everybody. And you need to sort of accept that you need the help, and you already are getting the help.

[34:24]

Everybody is already helping you be you. And if you don't understand that completely, you will feel stuck. So I'm telling you that, I'm telling me and you, that if I can be completely stuck in my identity, I will realize Not identity and not stuck in identity. And I also understand at this point my understanding is I will not be able to be fully stuck in my identity without your help. But I do have your help so I just keep remembering that I have your help and you're all helping me be myself and be not myself at the same time. My identity is ambiguous. My self is ambiguous. Because my self is really the sum total of naught and the same with my identity. Identity is impossible and so is self.

[35:28]

But you're not going to realize that without totally accepting this impossible thing. Yeah. So what's flashing for me is Dogen saying taking yourself to myriad things is delusion, allowing myriad things to come to you is enlightenment. Words of that effect. It seems to be the same thing. So if I'm going to be a Bodhisattva... Did you hear what he said? One Zen teacher said, to carry yourself and go to things is delusion. For all things to come and realize yourself is enlightenment. He was thinking of that. No, we turn it again now. If you're completely, you're carrying yourself, and meeting people, and influencing people, and trying to control people, or being grateful to people, if you're there doing all that stuff, completely, you will realize that all that stuff is coming to be you.

[36:36]

So it isn't like we avoid the delusion of, I'm talking to you. It's that we completely accept, I'm talking to you until we realize that you are making me talk. You are my talking. So, it's a pivot. It's a pivot. And the last few times I've been talking here, I've been talking about the pivotal activity of all Buddhas. The pivotal activity of all the Buddhas is the pivot between you and not you. between what you're doing by yourself and what you're doing with everybody. Buddha's activity is that pivot. Buddha's activity isn't one side or the other. Buddha's activity is the pivot of delusion and enlightenment. Buddha's activity is not just enlightenment. It's the pivotal activity of enlightenment which is pivoting on delusion. And there's no place to abide there. And that's where the liberation is.

[37:38]

But we have to, like, do the hard work of being at the pivot. Yes. But what about conflict? So you said fully stuck being stuck, what if you don't want to be stuck? And what about self-determination? What about self-women? My ability to decide what I want to do for myself, and so just suppose everybody else wants me to do something, and I don't want to do that. Then you're reaching conflict, which means you can't get the enlightenment. Well, it's possible, maybe we'll just imagine that everybody else wants you to do something and you don't want to do it. But what I'm proposing to you is that everybody who doesn't want you to do that, or everybody who does want you to do that, is making you be the person who doesn't want to do that. And so your job is to be the person who doesn't want to do that in the face of everybody else wanting you to do that. And if you can completely be the person who doesn't want to do

[38:39]

what everybody wants you to do, if you can be that person, you'll realize not that person. And you'll be free of the person who doesn't want to do it. And that freedom, then, now we've got the freedom. Now what will the freedom do? Let's see. The freedom might do what they want to do, or it might not, but it might not do what they want you to do in a way that helps them all be free of suffering but yeah so a whole large group of people who wants me to do something is a whole larger group that makes me that that wants me to do something and a whole larger group of people who makes me the person who doesn't want to do it so then I'm working at being me who doesn't want to do what they say and that's what they made me to be, and that's what they want me to be, even though they say, well, actually, they might actually be okay with, we made you to be the person who doesn't want to do it, and we still want you to do it.

[39:45]

But we did make you the person who doesn't want to do it, that's right. And then if you, like, totally become that, they'll wake up to, that's who they want you to be. And that's not, and now it's no longer important whether you do what they want you to do or not. Like my leader. I may want her to do something. She almost never wants to do what I want her to do. Now she also wants me to do things that I almost always do what she wants me to do. And she and you make me into a person who pretty much does what she wants. And I actually want to be a person who does what she wants. But she's a person who doesn't do what I want. Except she does. do what I want. Because what she does is she's her. That's what I really want. Because that's her being free of her. That's our freedom together. It's her being somebody who wants me to do what she wants and doesn't want to do what I want to do.

[40:50]

That's who she is. That's her job. And I'm trying to help her do that completely so we can both get beyond wanting and not wanting. Which are part of what we have to accept because we're made into creatures that sometimes do and don't. Yes? I was just going I just had the thought that there's sort of the term everybody like the self that it's a kind of when usually when people talk about everybody it's sort of the me on a small vehicle kind of everybody as opposed to the yeah large everybody yeah it's conceivable everybody so there's a kind of it's not that it's misleading to say everybody is everybody in this room or everybody in this town or in this country or people well by the way it's sort of by the way but um

[41:57]

A beautiful young woman died recently in a car accident. She has the same name as my daughter, but she's a different person. Her name is Taya Anderson. And her aunt's a friend of mine, and her father's a friend of mine. So they asked me to come to her memorial service today, which is at 12 o'clock. So I want to... The person I am is a person who think is going to go to her, try to go to her memorial ceremony and I'll come back afterwards. I'll go at 12 o'clock and they let me come late. Her name is Taya Anderson, 24 years old, in a car accident in New Zealand. Can you fill me in on the leader?

[43:08]

This is another grandchild. The leader is a granddaughter, a four-year-old granddaughter. I've been away. You've been away for more than four years. Yes. Congratulations. Same to you. Mesiel must be pretty big now. Mesiel's pretty big, yeah. But he doesn't Mesios is a bigger grandson and he does not gloat over being taller than me when he first passed me he gloated a little bit but now he doesn't keep rubbing it in but he's the big boy so this is his tiny sister who's got tremendous energy and loves to tell me what to do She's very strong. But you may have heard that we don't call strong girls bossy anymore.

[44:13]

We call them leaders. So we have lots of strong women who are leaders. And we love to follow them. when they tell us what to do and show them that we can be a follower so thoroughly that we're not a follower we're a leader a leader in being what everybody in the universe makes us to be an individual a self an identity nobody can abide in this place is called no abode there's no way to abide in the self that's why we don't like being stuck in it because it's not true we don't like not true we're not stuck in our self it is impossible the nature of self the nature of identity is non-abiding it has non-abiding nature

[45:36]

So when we feel stuck in our identity, stuck in ourself, we feel uncomfortable. This is a very challenging delusion that we're stuck. Because we cannot be stuck. There's no way to be stuck in our identity. That's the teaching. To realize that I must be willing to be this coherent, conceivable, unique and limited being. There's no way I can avoid it because everybody does not me. Everything does not me. It makes me exactly this way. There's no room for negotiation. There's only room for full presence within. And so it is possible to realize not me but it's not possible for me to know not me that's not my job my job is to be me in order to realize realize not me not know it nobody knows it but everybody is realizing yes so you say it's

[47:07]

There's no way to be stuck. It's a delusion. You can't be stuck. Because things are always changing, so you're never stuck because you're always changing. They're always not only changing, but everything's ambiguous. Everything is what it is because of what it isn't. It's the only way it can be what it is. So everything is ambiguous. To be is ambiguous. And... Also, to be is basically to be non-abiding, to have no abode, because of our, because of impermanence, but the impermanence is related to the fact that we depend on everything else, and we know everything else is changing, so we're going to have to do it too. So impermanence is one step, the next step is non-abiding, ungraspable, inconceivable. The conceivable is inconceivable.

[48:09]

We have to fully engage the conceivable in our unique way. Each of us has a unique job, a unique responsibility to be this conceivable, coherent, limited self. That's a big, challenging job. Everybody's got it, and everybody's being supported to practice it, but we're having trouble fully engaging that. Right? That's our challenge. And it's going to keep being challenging because all beings are going to keep testing us until we get perfectly aligned with ourself, which they're working hard to make us. And again, realizing that liberates not just us, but everybody that is us. So I think I'd better go to the memorial ceremony now. And, yeah, I'm slightly challenged to be a person who is committed to be here with you and a person who feels like he's being asked to go to this memorial ceremony.

[49:20]

That's my uniqueness, which I'm trying to accept. And really be this person who's got this kind of day. How wonderful it is. And there's slight resistance. Yes, sir? We've never started work period without you. Could you give us some suggestions or shall we wait for you? Okay, so usually at the beginning of work period, I'm here. Any suggestions about a fun way to start work period when Reb is not here? Pick a time. We could pick a time when we start. Pick a time. Okay, how about... Well, now it's about almost 12. How about 12.30? How about 12.45? How about 1? 1? 12.45, 1, which?

[50:20]

12.45, huh? 12.50? 1. Okay. 1 o'clock. Anything else that I can do for you before I go? I give you my life. Thank you.

[50:48]

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