I'm back to you, please. Earlier, I was thinking that tonight's talk would be in the zendo, but then after lunch today, I went and looked underneath the zendo.

[01:03]

Somehow, I feel prepared to go back into the room there. So I don't mean to frighten you, but anyway, perhaps you should be frightened. Just go down there and look, but don't go underneath. Well, I don't know. I'm going to go sit there next time I'm here. But somehow tonight, I just didn't have the stomach for it. Especially, I thought, in case I got into something, as things started shaking back and forth, any kind of holy rolling thing I could be afraid of. Have you ever heard of the revivalists, or revival meetings? There was a revival meeting in 1820 that had 20,000 people in it.

[02:06]

And 3,000 of them died. You know, they died and were revived. And they would have a team of preachers that would get up there and tell these people what sinners they were and how they had to repent and you know, and whatever they all said, and like 20,000 people there, and like whole rows of people just sort of dropped dead off their seats and carried to these revival areas and come to and be saved, and then they'd come back and testify. And not to say that that would happen here, but you never know. And actually, part of... In a sense, part of what I thought I might touch on tonight is the issue of repentance and what that means in Buddhism. So you can see that after the introduction there about these precepts, also that space there as the abbot of the blank generation, that's important, that space there.

[03:16]

You didn't know what to say. What did you say? Huh? Oh, you said a number? What did you say? You didn't say anything? Yes, sir. You went from the to generation? You slurred? You paused? What do I have? You hummed? Okay, and then it says... After all, you are able to inherit the wisdom life of the Buddhas and ancestors. So these precepts are a way to inherit the wisdom life of Buddhas and Zen pioneers. Also, I have in mind during these talks on the precepts that there's going to be an ordination ceremony on the 21st of June.

[04:20]

And so this is a kind of preparation for the people who will receive these precepts in that ceremony, and also a preparation for others to pass these precepts Preparation, encouragement, practice the precepts. And it says here, respectfully, in virtue of the testimonial of Buddhas and ancestors, we should take refuge in the triple treasure and repent. And there's a little thing here about sequence. The usual way in an ordination ceremony is to do the repentance.

[05:25]

Do you know that word, Dasha, repentance? Uh-huh, yes. And the usual way is to practice repentance and then receive the precepts. But here it says, and in this presentation too, there's first the repentance is given and then the refuges. But here it says instead of, it says take refuge and repent. Take refuge in the triple treasure and repent. Repentance. The Japanese word here in this repentance verse, this verse here is called Sangemon in Japanese.

[06:31]

The verse of Sange, the verse of repentance. And the first character, San, of Sange, means repentance. Remorse. Remorse. And remorse means to bite again. Re- and the morse part means bite. Re-bite. Bite again. In the book Between the Silence, Kadagiri Roshi talks about repentance and speaks of the ritual of formless repentance.

[08:14]

And in the ritual of formless repentance, we, for one, chance all my ancient twisted karma and so on, which we just chanted and which we chant every morning, right? There's various meanings of formless, but one meaning of formless is that we don't specifically mention in that verse something that we have done. We don't specifically mention some karmic activity that we would like to bite again. Now, one of the ways that Kadagiri Rasi explains this kind of repentance in Buddhism is that it's not to apologize for an error or a mistake.

[09:21]

But I think remorse is good, is a good word, maybe, in the sense of not so much apologizing, Like biting it again. Say it again. Say you did it. Confess. Admit. Avow. Avow. Admit. Like admit to your mouth and bite again. Somehow, this seems to be important to say it again, to bite it again. Chew it. again and maybe again and again not so much headache as a kind of rubbing it in but maybe as a thorough chewing of it a thorough admission and recognition of your action and also he says that this is not to ask for forgiveness and it says here what as you remember it says

[10:36]

As already verified by Buddhas and ancestors, the karma of body, speech and mind has been purified and you have attained great immaculacy, you have attained great purity. This is due to the power of repentance, the power of this sanghe. By the power of that you are completely purified. And also he says that repentance is not a preliminary to enter Buddha's world. So even though the receiving of the precepts is a ritual to enter Buddha's world, enter Buddha's way, still it's not a preliminary to enter Buddha's way.

[11:50]

It is a way to enter Buddha's way. It is entering Buddha's way. So the priest, the repentance, which is part of the repentance and taking refuge and receiving the precepts, all of them are not preliminaries in Zen. They are actually entries. They're not a way to become a good person. Like you move from here over to becoming a good person by repentance. This kind of repentance that we're doing here is to lead us into the present right in the middle of peace and harmony.

[12:58]

So somehow we can admit our action. We admit our action in such a way that we enter into this middle of peace and harmony. Not admitting our action in such a way that we're driven out, that we're pushed away from peace and harmony, that we're second-class citizens in Buddha's world. No. You use admission, you use biting again on your activity as a way to enter the middle of peace and harmony. Often when you give that chance, I can hardly do it. You know, I just feel really heavy.

[14:00]

Like my, it just feels awful. You know, like I don't want it. Yeah. Yeah. When I'm not really thinking about bad thoughts about myself. Yes. It just feels really heavy. Yes. And it doesn't feel like it. Right. Right. So the feeling of heavy, that heavy feeling, that's just a heavy feeling. That's strictly speaking, not karma. Okay? But if you make any movement towards or away from that heavy feeling, and you can admit any movement that you make towards or away from that heavy feeling, That's what the confession is supposed to be doing.

[15:01]

Yeah. So if you can admit any movement, that's the karma. Any tendency to avoid or to hold on to, like somebody else might be chanting that and thinking, oh, this is really religion, or hey, I like this, or this is I feel really pure now and move towards it. The feeling of purity, the feeling of heaviness, the feeling of darkness, the feeling of brightness, this is strictly speaking not karma. It is the being turned about and moving towards or away from these feelings that's our karma. If you can admit it right while you're doing it, then the ritual is really alive. If you can admit any karma that's coming up right while your feelings are there, Then admitting that, that's the admission, that's the actual practice. Now look at that and see if you do that in such a way that that admission brings you into a complete open-heartedness.

[16:11]

Just it sounds, when I say it to you, it sounds to me like open-heartedness. It sounds like that, that you would be first of all noticing the heaviness, you're alert enough to notice it, then you're alert enough to notice this tendency to avoid. And then through that admission of that tendency to not only notice it, but admit it. Admit it. Chew it again. That, I would say, is really being open-hearted to your own life. Or even worse, a kind of blend of blue. Yeah, so that's another movement of the mind, trying to attribute blame to the ritual or whatever. And you can admit that also. Then again, you're more completely opening your heart to yourself.

[17:16]

So a big part of this repentance is a feeling of or a sense that by admitting what you're doing, you are actually being allowed to live the life that you're living. So there you are, living the life of being a woman in a meditation hall, teetering on a few I-beams, chanting this stuff which gives you this heavy feeling for various reasons, feeling you want to avoid this feeling, looking to blame someone for it, you're really allowing yourself to live the life you have at that time. And if you can allow yourself to live the life you have at that time, you have a chance then to take the next step, which is also part of repentance, and that is a sense.

[18:21]

that you're going to make your life alive. That you're going, in the midst of being stuck in a situation like this with a bunch of people who are talking like this, and you're either doing it to or listening to them, In that situation you're going to allow yourself to live. You are there, of course, but you're actually going to allow yourself to be alive under those circumstances. And you're going to not only feel allowed to live, but you're going to make your life alive under those circumstances. You're not going to wait till you get outside where you can breathe. You're going to become alive while you're suffocating from this heaviness. This is like also, you know, in the class on the koan, mu, where we were talking about how mu is to say, I'm going to live the life of Buddha in the immediate circumstances of my daily life.

[19:24]

And if I'm in the middle of a confession ceremony, I'm going to use mu to live my life in that confession ceremony. I'm going to use this to remind me that I commit myself to find the Buddha way in immediate everyday experience. And for you, immediate everyday experience in the zendo, doing that chant, is a heavy thing. For other people, you know, going to work on the bus is a heavy thing. In either case, there is a possibility to make a vow that I'm going to realize Buddha's way in every moment of daily life. And this repentance practice is a kind of, you know, although it's not a preliminary, it is an entry into this kind of practice.

[20:27]

It's a kind of formal way to practice mood. Saying that chant makes you feel heavy, perhaps. I can understand that. But repentance, when it really works, is peacefulness, is pure peacefulness. Thank you for that example of how that works for you.

[21:35]

Yes. When she was saying that, when we were responding to her, what came to my mind was that it's a very similar thing with death. When somebody dies, there could be a feeling of heaviness and unbearable about it. But also there could be a feeling of ease, and they could really appreciate it. I wonder if you would comment on the possible connection in the Dharma between the understanding of death and repentance. Just because that came into my mind as a connection, do you see any connection there? Well, the immediate feeling I have is that, just as I was talking about repentance as the sense of being allowed to live, when we confront a death, or when we confront death in some sense, death really allows us to live, even against our sense that we would be allowed.

[23:10]

So, you know, I've had the experience at funerals of having a very deep sense of life being kind of very clearly outlined by the fact of the occasion, even though we're not supposed to feel that way, in a sense, even though the funeral, strictly speaking, is not supposed to make us feel really alive and really vital. And yet, in unexpected ways, vitality seems to kind of like squirt out of the situation. This also relates to the precepts in the sense that the first precept about killing points out that what life actually is, is not killed. You don't change life into death. And yet death sometimes shows us that it isn't life, that when we're alive we're really not in the dharma position of death.

[24:19]

And if we can admit and confess our living completely, Somehow we can verify that we're not dead. And yet the deadliness is often the occasion where we feel these feelings in association with death, which if we can admit them, these feelings show us, hey, we're not dead. We're having all this stuff happen to us when we meet death. We want to get away from that. We feel heaviness or whatever. And in a sense also, repentance is a kind of, you know, what do you say, it's a giving up of not admitting. It's a kind of dying to ignorance and admitting what's happening. Because what's happening really is life. I was thinking in terms of it forces us to accept our limitations.

[25:39]

And then what forces us? We'll look at this situation. But if you reverse that, our acceptance of who we are. Because I know for myself, not accepting why I'm pulling, contract, you know, uncontracted. And perhaps the deaf experience can turn that around and kind of the bottom falling out of the bucket. And it gives us no excuse to limit our acceptance of ourself because we see that we have, you know, it would be so silly not to accept given the condition that that will, you know, arise sooner or later. And it's all the more reason for embracing the light. So we're confronted with that imperative to move back.

[26:44]

Would you not turn back? Would you not turn back? One of our members of our community was murdered one time in the streets of San Francisco, just a couple blocks from Zen Center. And we were standing around while he was still on the ground, I think, practically. He hadn't been moved yet because, you know, police and so on. And one other member was standing next to me, and he said, Why can't we be like this all the time? In other words, he was of course speaking for himself too, why can't I be like this all the time?

[27:45]

Why can't I just stand on the sidewalk in San Francisco in the nighttime with my feet on the ground with no wishing to be somewhere else. In a very unpleasant situation, this is no fun. This is a terrible situation, and yet this is the way I'm... For him, this is the way I want to be. This is the way he really felt good about being. And all of us were that way. Nobody was the least bit... Nobody was afraid. We were all just there together, horrified, of course, shocked, of course, but on some other level, we were completely there.

[28:48]

And he said, why can't we be like this all the time? So, in a way, the repentance is the first step towards being the way we are perhaps when a dear friend had just been slaughtered on the streets. And we see how silly it is to not admit that, you know, I'm such and such a person of such and such an age in such and such a place and such and such a time, and I can admit that, and it would be really silly in the face of this debt to do anything other than that. And somehow that simple thing of admitting who I am, it just seems like that's right. And this man then, you know, he wasn't able to continue to be like that later, and he's still struggling with how he can be that way without having a friend dead on the street to help him do it.

[29:56]

So in that way, this practice of repentance is a step in that direction. is a first step in the direction of realizing how silly it would be not to admit who we are. And even so, even though I know it's really silly not to admit who I am, I still have trouble admitting who I am, because I really don't see how silly it is until somebody dies. And maybe even then I don't see it until all my friends are around too, demonstrating to me that they see how silly it is and they're willing to be themselves. And we even didn't think, oh, here we are standing around a dead body, and shouldn't we be somewhere else realizing Buddhism? Shouldn't we be opening a soup kitchen? Shouldn't we be sitting zazen? Shouldn't we be reading sutras? No one was thinking that.

[30:59]

No one was thinking, this is not where we're supposed to be, this isn't where Buddhism is. No one thought that. So Kadagiri Roshi talks about three conditions to be considered when we think about the significance of repentance in Zen. These are kind of a mouthful, but anyway. The first consideration is to realize the world of the compassionate heart.

[32:04]

Next consideration is that the self, our self, must readily accept Buddha's compassion or the compassion of Buddha's world. And third is we must set in motion some kind of interaction between ourselves and the rest of the universe. First, again, realize the world of compassionate heart. Next, accept, readily accept the compassion. And third, set in motion some kind of interaction between ourselves and the universe.

[33:09]

Accepting this, accepting Buddha's compassion and realizing the heart of compassion. I have trouble actually seeing the difference. But one way I would approach it is to say that realizing it is kind of like... I'm not going to talk about it. But accepting it is like what I said before of accepting that you already are allowed to be the way you are. And also accepting it is to accept the responsibility to make your life alive. The third point is to set up an interaction between yourself and the universe.

[34:28]

And that particularly is the ritual side of things. To make this repentance a theater. Theater. The word theater is related to the look or to point, to look at. Make it so that other people can see you doing it. That's, in the morning, when we do that, we make it a theater. We set up a communion between ourselves and the rest of the people. But not just the people, but the whole universe when we do that out loud. And we say the same thing. We're all saying the same thing. But on some level, we should also be saying something different. So like Linda's example is good because she's saying the same thing that we're all saying, but inside she's actually feeling her own particular thing and she may even be trying to get away from her own particular thing.

[35:40]

So another way to make that ritual more rich and better theater is to realize, is to describe yourself or to paint a picture of yourself moment by moment. and even to paint a picture of yourself out loud, that sets up communion with your description of yourself. Your description of yourself sets up communion between yourself and everyone else. And if that communion, if that communion, through description is describing yourself in an act of repentance. If you're describing yourself as a person who feels allowed to live and your description of yourself is an expression of a description of what you feel allowed to be, it might be good theater.

[36:44]

In other words, so that you really do feel communion with other people. Lately I've been having back problems. And when you say you have back problems, of course you're saying a lot more than just that. You're saying something about your life. Now, if when I have back problems and I say, if somebody says, how's your back, or I say my back such and such, if when I say that, at that moment I really feel that I'm admitting something about my life, And I feel allowed to have the back I have. And I feel also that I'm going to make my life alive with this back. I'm going to make my life alive with this pain, with this heaviness, with this sadness. I'm even going to make my life alive with my tendency to try to get out of my back, to be somebody else, to get away from this back. I'm even going to be allowed to feel that.

[37:51]

I'm even going to be allowed to live the life of a person who doesn't accept his back or wishes he had a different back, which I do. I often wish I had a different back. kind of the same one but fixed up so I could run and dance and do flips in the air and stuff like that. But if I can admit that, just like I just did, I can admit that and really feel that allowed to live the life of being a person who tells you that he not only has some problem with his back but he also wishes he didn't have it, and yearns for a time when he was maybe less afflicted. And if I say that and I really feel that you're allowing me, and all beings are allowing me to have that thought, then I can also feel like, hey, I can be alive while I'm telling you this. And in fact, I do feel like you're letting me do that, and I do feel like I'm alive while I'm saying that.

[38:56]

Through this ritual, which I just did, that reinforces the sense which I was talking about before, that I'm allowed to live my life. In other words, that I'm already saved. In other words, I'm saved from not being able to live my life by my bad karma. My karma really doesn't stop me from being me. Even though I've got a bad back because of my bad karma, I'm actually saved from that and I can be alive even though this is happening. Do I make that extra move and say that's the reason, blame it that way? No, but my movement... My movement, when I feel something like that, I often feel kind of a collective, you know, kind of into the penalty.

[40:03]

And I get confused about how much of the weight is mine, and how much of it is from having maybe kind of a donkey. I'm kind of studying Velma Curtis through right now, kind of, you know, the Velma Curtis picture that you just said. Right. And I can use that to justify my movement to project responsibility outward, but I am fairly confused in my child's subjective experience about love and everything. Right. That's good. Because I brought this up as, an example of communion. This isn't just me having some back problem.

[41:05]

And this is a tricky thing to say, but I'll try it again. When I sit in this room and I feel like you people allow me to live, or that Zen Center allows me to live, all the people in Zen Center allow me to live, when I feel that way, I don't really have back problems anymore. When I think that people are, when I feel responsible and committed to people who I think are not allowing me to be myself, because I see them that way, they actually are that way. And because they are that way and I see them that way, I have back problems. But when I see that they let me have my back problems and don't, you know, even though they're concerned for me, when I see that they allow me to live, then suddenly they're different too.

[42:11]

Now they're not a burden on me anymore. Now they're supporting me to be alive. And that's a, see, both cases is a communion. But one kind of communion is setting up, you know, what you might call the direction of me setting the example of what it would be like if people were supporting me, namely me saying, I am this way, rather than you're asking me to forget about myself and think about you first. Are you following this? Yes. So to say Vimalakirti's sick because other people are sick, that's one way to put it.

[43:13]

But the other way to see it is that he's allowed to be sick because other people are compassionate. And his ability to be as sick as he was is because he was surrounded by compassionate beings and his sickness was the way that people found out that they were compassionate. But the other side was there too, namely that because we see that others don't want us to be who we are, we feel sick. Because when others don't want us to be the way we are, because we're sensitive to them, we don't feel that we, we feel, we're not sure it's okay to let ourselves be the way we are. Yeah. Like, I've heard of people, and I've met some, who are ready to die, but the people in their family do not yet want them to die.

[44:23]

So, in addition to the illness which they have, whatever it may be, cancer or whatever, they then develop a psychosis, which is because the people won't let them be who they are, which is a dying person. And that when the people finally, when the loved ones finally say, you can die, and the person sees that, then the person comes out of the psychosis and dies. But still, if you feel sick and you want to die, or you feel healthy and you want to sing and dance, and you see that other people do not want you to sing and dance or do not want you to die, because you see it that way, it's true, they don't. Because part of them doesn't, of course. Everybody's got some shadow where they don't want other people to be who they are.

[45:27]

You can tune into that shadow and feel that they're not allowing you. And some people, it's not a shadow. Some people, it's right out there in the open. They say, don't die. So whether they're acting it out in a way that everyone can see or not, still, to see it that way, you then feel that people aren't being compassionate towards you. But it's the way you see it. If you turn it around and you describe who you are, if you say this is who I am and you completely feel that's who you are, that dramatization of what you are, that biting again on what you are, sets up a communion with other people and shows that they are compassionate. And this compassion starts to develop. Another example is like, another way of talking about this is like the case of a woman who lost her son and came to see Banke, the Zen teacher.

[46:32]

And she was very upset in, you know, intense, you know, almost like, what do you call it, seizures of grief. And finally he got her to calm down a little bit and then she was still sort of talking about how terrible it was that he was dead. And I think she was talking about how wonderful, what a wonderful son he was and how terrible it was he was dead. And Banke said, well, if your son was wonderful, then you can prove your son's wonderful by yourself being healthy. Do you think your son is the kind of person who would want you to be totally wiped out by his death? If he was a good son, wouldn't he want you to be happy? Wouldn't he want you, after you've done a reasonable amount of grieving, which is natural, wouldn't he want you to recover and carry on and have a good life?

[47:35]

Wouldn't your good life... be a testimony to how good your son was? Wouldn't that prove that even though you lost him, he was so wonderful that thinking about him was an inspiration to your life and it made your life a wonder and a glory, just thinking about how great your son was. On the other hand, if you become ill from grief, well, you kind of say he was a bad son because somehow the results of his life are such that you're a wreck. And you think, why did he leave me? So the mother changed her attitude and became not happy that her son was dead. No, not happy that the son's dead. Happy that the son was great. The son was so great that she was a happy person. That sets up a communion between her and the rest of the universe and shows the rest of the universe that it was a great son, even beyond death.

[48:41]

this can work. But there needs to be this kind of, you have to initiate this kind of movement. You need to describe yourself. That may sound, when I say that, it sounds like a lot of work. But I actually think it's like already being done. That's why I think, I generally speaking, go for practices which are already happening. I think on some level we're always describing ourselves. So repentance is, again, to admit and avow the description that's already going on. and actually make it more vivid.

[49:43]

But again, a lot of us, even though we're doing things, we don't really feel complete permission, and we hold back. Even though what we're doing is, again, holding back. And we know we're holding back, and we're describing that we're holding back, but again, repentance is a practice to bite again, admit again that you're holding back, admit again that you're hesitant, to be the person you are. And that way you can become vividly a person who hesitates to be herself. You can always recover, even from the most devastating disinheritance of your own life that you confer upon yourself. Just simply by admitting, I have totally disinherited myself from my own body. And that's the body which I will now re-inhabit.

[50:46]

. [...] It can start any place in the cycle. If I feel that you, Marisa, are allowing me to be me, then I feel that you're being compassionate because you're allowing me to be me, if I see you that way. And in fact, when I see you in such a way, even if you are sitting, no matter what you're thinking, no matter what you're saying, The fact that I see you that way, you actually are being compassionate to me.

[51:48]

And in fact, always you are being compassionate to me because always, to some extent, you're letting me live. So in that way, all beings are compassionate. And it is because of the kindness of all beings that I'm here. Every single solitary living being is somewhat kind to me. just because they allow me to live. Now, if on top of that, I not only am alive, but I actually feel that I'm allowed to be alive, and I even feel an inspiring responsibility, I feel inspired to not only be alive and be allowed to be alive, but as an expression of gratitude for being alive and being allowed to live, I make my life alive. Then I look to you and I not only realize you're allowing me, but I realize you're being compassionate to me. That you're really letting me be who I am. And you actually, that makes you compassionate.

[52:55]

Now on the other side, the strange thing is, this is the bad part. If I cannot be myself, And if I look at you, of all people, and say, the reason why I can't be myself is because I feel you don't want me to be myself. You want me to be such and such a kind of person. You have some idea of what a good priest is. And I feel restrained, limited, hampered by your expectations of me as a priest. If I see you that way, I do not feel you're being compassionate towards me. And by God, I make you not compassionate. Who are you? But that's, I propose to you to consider that when you don't let yourself be yourself, you make other beings into, you bring out the lack of compassion in others. And I can make up horrible examples if you want, but it's true that some people are so cruel to themselves, so much won't let themselves be themselves, that they can make almost anyone

[54:08]

hate them. And almost anyone wished that that person wasn't that way. A lot of these people, of course, are what we call, you know, disturbed. And they go, often they go to, sometimes they go to mental health clinics, and they go in to see the therapists who are there to help people, and by God, the therapists hate the person. Because they're so skillful at not allowing themselves to be themselves. and being so angry at everyone else for not letting them be that way. And in fact, it is a self-fulfilling process. So, in fact, when I do feel that you're letting me be me, I do feel you're compassionate towards me, and I'm right, and I make you compassionate too. And if I lose a child, and the memory of that child is an inspiration to me, and I live a good life because of remembering what that child taught me, Like I had a dog named Eric, and that dog taught me a lot about love.

[55:14]

And one time my dog ran away, and I was running through the woods of Tassajara looking for him with tears in my eyes, not because I lost him, but out of gratitude for what he taught me about love. What did the dog teach me about love? What the dog taught me had to do with what I saw the dog taught me. And in fact, because I saw the dog teach me, the dog did teach me. There's a communion. If you have a good student, suddenly there's a good teacher. The student makes a good teacher. If you see a person's compassionate, you make them compassionate. If you see there, and also, this is again the bad part, if the student doesn't think the teacher's compassionate, If the student doesn't see the teacher's compassion, then the student is not seeing compassion, the student is not feeling supported, and in fact, it's a pretty bad student, because the student's saying, all sentient beings are not supporting me, people are not helping me live.

[56:22]

In other words, the student's denying reality. They're saying, people aren't helping me, I'm not supported by the kindness of all beings, everybody's against me, this is not a good student. So therefore, not a good teacher. So bad students make bad teachers. Good students make good teachers. And of course, you can switch back and forth. They're both there all the time. So anyway, start here and turn it around. Who's going to turn it around? You can turn it around. Don't expect your teacher or your friends to start being compassionate. Rather, start to see that your friends are already compassionate to you because they're already letting you be exactly what you are. If you're willing to be who you are, you verify that you're surrounded by compassionate beings. Now, if you don't want to help people realize their compassion, then don't be yourself. And you can prove that you're surrounded by uncompassionate beings. And in fact, it's true.

[57:24]

You see? If you're not willing to let yourself be yourself, then in fact, you must not be getting much support from people, because if you were, they would get you to do it. They would say, come on, Marisa, you can be yourself. They see you going around sort of like, well, I can't be myself. And they say, they just let you do that, right? They somehow don't send you some message like, it's okay, you can be you. They let you just walk around hiding out from yourself so they're not very compassionate, right? And once in a while they walk up to you and they say, knock, knock, you can be you. And you say, oh, I have to admit it, you're compassionate. And I'm me. So that's how it works. This is communion. What? What do you want to say? Well, I was confused about how in the first scenario, Melissa was able to see as well that she was compassionate.

[58:30]

You were talking about it from one person's point of view, and I don't understand how the other person's other can tell. Well, one way you can tell is I say to Marisa, you know, you're really compassionate to me and you're allowing me to be myself. I really appreciate that. That's one way to do it. But another way you can do it is Marisa can look over here and see me and say, my God, he's just really being himself. He's outrageous, but he is. And I think I'll go ask him if I'm being compassionate. And so she goes over and asks me, says, you really seem to be yourself. Am I being compassionate? And I say, yes, you are. Thank you. Yes? Well, I'm saying... In fact, if I feel like you are letting me be myself and you feel like you're not, okay, I'm right.

[59:41]

You're wrong. Okay? So when I see you as being compassionate, even though part of your mind is thinking, I wish he wasn't that way, okay, another part of you is letting me be myself. And I'm sitting over here saying, hey, my God, I'm able to be myself. And this is great. And it's not just all something I did by myself. Marissa's letting me do it. And it's your compassion that's letting me do it. I mean, it's not you just sitting over there letting me do it. It reaches right over here and it reaches into me and lets me be this person, lets me be this thing who's got problems. But I can have these problems and I can admit them and I can confess them Because you're compassionate to me. And if you think you're not, you're wrong and I'm right. And if you want to check it out, you can come over and ask me. But if I'm not being myself, and even you think you're allowing me to be myself, and you say, it's okay with me if you're suffering, but I don't let myself, then I say to you, somehow your compassion is blocked.

[60:48]

It's not reaching me yet, because I'm not willing to be myself. So in my case, too, I may feel compassionate to some people, but if they aren't willing to be themselves, my compassion isn't really working. So other people can stop my compassion, and other people can make my compassion happen even though I'm thinking uncompassionate thoughts. And in fact, I've had that experience of people feeling that I'm extremely compassionate while part of my mind is thinking uncompassionate thoughts. Part of my mind is thinking, I wish you were different. And the person says to me, You have just allowed me to be myself. You are extremely compassionate. They're right. Can I see it? I can see it. It's true. There they are. Totally inspired to be themselves. They feel permitted to be themselves. While some part of my brain is going . If they knew about that part, they'd probably be upset.

[61:54]

And they might even say, well, maybe I can't be myself then. But maybe even then they could say, it's okay. It's all right. You can have that part because there's other parts totally allowing me to be myself. And I'm not going to let that little part of you that's mumbling over there bother me. Don't worry about it. Go right ahead. Some part of us can come right through and basically set the forest fire in the other direction and let the person wake up to who they are. even though they may be thinking that. But most people have both things going on at once. Some little petty judgmental person who's got certain criteria by which they're going to accept people. There's another part of us which accepts people in this much grander way. Even so, if they don't see it, it's not really alive then. That's why we have to set this commune. You're still practicing it, but it's not working fully.

[63:06]

And at that time, one thing to do is to, again, the way to do it is immediately check on yourself and see if you feel like they're allowing you We talked last night about giving and about how do you measure whether or not you get merit from giving. And somebody had the idea that you measure the merit or the usefulness of the gift. And other people had the idea that giving is merit, whether or not the gift is useful. with how you decide, and trying to be compassionate, although it might not work, seems like merit, either giving or not giving, and only being compassionate, if your compassion is actually allowing someone to be themself, would be... I'm lost, but do you know anything else?

[64:14]

Let me say this and see if I understand. In that teaching about giving, which you have been studying, Dogen says a number of things. But anyway, he says that it's hard to change the mind of sentient beings. So if someone doesn't feel, isn't allowing themselves to be themselves, In other words, he says, giving is to let yourself be yourself. You give yourself to yourself. You give others to others. That's giving. To let somebody else be themselves is giving. To let yourself be yourself is giving. Sentient beings have a hard time changing when they're in the habit of not letting themselves be themselves or letting others be others. It's hard for them to change out of that. The way to change them, the best way to get started, the way you start the change is by the practice of giving.

[65:19]

So if a person cannot give to themselves or give to others, in other words, they cannot let their breakfast be their breakfast or themselves be themselves, then the way you crack through that is to practice giving yourself. And so you give yourself to yourself and you let the other person be themselves. That's what you show them. That's the way to start the giving process. So what I'm talking about is precisely giving. And I say it's at the beginning. It's the first, it's the way to start this thing going, is giving. And then it's not the thing or the usefulness. The giving transforms the thing. The giving transforms. It doesn't matter what it is. The point is, is there joy in it? If there isn't, it's not giving. Well, it doesn't always transform.

[66:24]

I can give myself to myself. I can give someone else to that person. But if they cannot yet give themselves to themselves, then I have not actually... given themselves to themselves. Yeah, you have, you've let them be themselves, but they do not yet let themselves be themselves. So your giving is not yet fully effective, it's true. But you have, you have, this is again, this thing of communication. He also says, when a person who's doing this, when a woman who lets herself be herself and lets others be others, when such a person enters the room, people notice this person. There is a subtle communication. They may not notice it, and they may not yet be able to convert it into themselves, practicing giving themselves and making this change. But this is how to start.

[67:25]

This is the way to start. It doesn't immediately take effect so that they're consciously aware of it. but you're planting a subtle seed of giving in them. You're practicing it. It has not yet converted them. It is not the case, necessarily, that you can practice giving properly under the circumstances and yet it has not yet realized compassion until the other person feels that they themselves have been able to be themselves by the fact that you have let yourself be yourself and demonstrated that, and they feel from you that you're letting them be themselves. It sometimes takes time. Yeah, I suppose in other words you could say that just because someone else isn't ready to be themselves, you should not say, oh, well, then I guess I won't give themselves to themselves because they can't deal with it anyway. You have to be something in some way or another. practice giving whether or not it's going to be fully delivered. And you let them be someone who does not yet let themselves do that.

[68:26]

You let them do that. That's giving. You let them not be ready to appreciate that you're practicing giving. And that's giving. To wish that there was somebody else, to wish that they were now ready. Well, wish is okay. But to actually, in your heart, not be settled with where the stage they're at is impatience. And the bodhisattva who is practicing giving must be patient. In other words, must accept the state of development of the person they're trying to help. And the main point of practicing giving is not to give people stuff. It is to transform their mind. And same with you. Practicing giving is you transform your mind. Giving is primarily a spiritual thing inside, so that you wish to give things even though you don't have them to give. You can practice giving with things that you don't even have yet to give. But if you think about, if you had something, if you think about giving it and you like the idea that makes you happy to think of it, that's giving.

[69:31]

And if you think about being yourself and letting others be others, and you like that, that makes you happy, then probably you're really doing it. And then if you do that with people and also feel like they're letting you do it, because in fact if you're letting yourself be yourself it's because of the kindness of others then that joy starts to develop and you bring it to people and they start to feel it and you just keep working at it because you're feeling them being compassionate to you and they are so that you're more and more verifying that they have the ability to be compassionate and as they do more and more they'll be able to let themselves be themselves and then they'll realize that you're helping them, and then they can feel your gift and feel your compassion, which is true, and it has been there all the time. So in fact, all of us probably know people that we know are not able to accept themselves. We love them just like they are. It hurts us to see them not accepting themselves, but we, at least at certain moments, we completely accept that they don't accept themselves and that they're in pain, and we love them just like they are.

[70:39]

And they don't realize it yet. And the time comes, though, someday when they realize it, but they realize it right at the time when they let themselves be themselves. That's why it's a communion. It's not like they're sitting there and your love for them makes them all by themselves do it. They have to also do it themselves. They have to let themselves be themselves. That's why if you practice repentance thoroughly, others can practice repentance. And vice versa, If others don't practice repentance, maybe you're not doing it thoroughly enough. Doesn't mean you're not, but maybe you're not. So look to check it out, and if so, then you just haven't done it long enough. For years I sat in a zendo and I, you know, of course I fell asleep sometimes too, but I would get upset when everybody was falling asleep. But then I would think, well, I'm probably not making being awake that look that interesting. So it's partly my responsibility. Or another way to put it is when I sleep, I probably make sleep really interesting.

[71:43]

So they're copying me sleeping. Rather than why don't those bums get it together, I took it somewhat personally, you know? Just like I said. They're probably doing the same thing. Since he doesn't appreciate me as I am, I think I'll go to sleep. Or now that I'm asleep, since he doesn't like me, I think I'll stay asleep. Since he has no compassion for me. I know what to do with people like that. But again, that's not right, because there is some compassion there, but you have to turn it around and realize they do think I'm not so good. Actually, I am able to be myself by practicing repentance. I can be myself. I can enter into a peaceful place, and therefore I verify that I'm surrounded by, to some extent, all sentient beings are compassionate to me.

[72:48]

Anyways, this is something to consider, and it's a practice of giving also. So there's repentance for now. I hope it opened up some possibilities of a practice which somehow our Western culture hasn't... We don't have a word for it. Repentance is not such a good word, but I don't know what other word to use because... Repentance does remain remorse, and remorse is part of what... There's some truth in it. It's not totally the wrong word. It's not quite the right word. Yes? I keep thinking of being fascinated by the word admission, because actually, as well as being synonymous with confession or something, also is... What is it really?

[73:55]

It's to allow to enter... or just to allow. I forgot what repentance means, the etymology. It also means re, again. I forgot what that means. What does it mean? I said it the other day. The repentance part means... What is it? It's similar to punch in. Oh, it's punch in. Well, it's earlier in 08. Well, I'll send you, I'll look it up again. I'll look it up. It's kind of good news. I remember that part. It doesn't mean punish. It's to pass out. To dole out. To dole out. Yeah, something like that. Something a little bit surprising. I forgot what it was.

[74:55]

Oh, I know what it means. It means teach. It means, I think, I think that's what it means. It means to teach again. I think. But I could be wrong. I'll look it up. What? See, I told the priestess, oh, a priest girl, but they forgot. And I You forgot that it was just money. No, it wasn't money that I told you, repentance. No. Were you repentants out of this? What did I say it was? These are my disciples. That's right. Creep along the ground. I looked it up. It means to creep along the ground. It meant something else, too, though, before creep along the ground. I think it... Creep along the ground.

[75:59]

Out of the Garden of Eden, into Buddha's world. I ordained some priests, and then they started to act like themselves. And it took me some number of years to understand what this meant and understand how perfect it was, the way they were, each in their own unique individuality, none of them being like what I thought they were supposed to be like. And it's been a great lesson for me to somehow allow them to be who they are. And it was hard for them to, little by little, allow themselves to be who they are with me watching.

[77:06]

Because they could tell that I had some other idea for a while there. I had some kind of idea of what a priest should be, right? This is not compassion. This is my idea, like I was talking to you. Some of you have an idea of how I should be as a priest, and when I feel that, then I can't be myself, and then I don't feel you're being compassionate to me, and you're not. So also I had some idea of what they were supposed to be like, and so they couldn't be themselves, but somehow they just went right ahead and little by little started to be who they were. And I adjusted gradually. You know, I had some suggestions. But the main thing I said at the end was, keep in touch, keep telling me about the details about how you are. That's what I asked, mostly.

[78:08]

And gradually I say to people, I have no idea what appreciation is. All I know is they have to keep in touch all the time, keep telling me what it is. And this morning, a certain person asked me, I don't want to say who it is, but a certain person asked me as I was driving a car, what three things would make this person a perfect position? This person said, baby, young kid, and then daughter. This person said, what would be the three things that make me a perfect baby, young kid, little kid, daughter? It was interesting. She sort of slipped through that by kind of mistake. And I said, well, the three things would be, one, first would be would be to communicate honestly. Second would be that you're mindful. And third would be that you find out what you want. Those three things. That's what will make you a perfect baby, little kid, daughter. So I say the same thing to all Zen students.

[79:12]

It's about the first time this person ever asked my advice. It's great.

[79:20]

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