It seems to me that the root of everything about Buddha or the Buddha way is compassion. And all the teachings that have been given over the centuries coming out of compassion. In order to realize compassion in this world, to the fullest extent, there needs to be a realization of selflessness or unselfishness.

[01:16]

It seems that way to me. And I hesitate to use the word enemy, but if I might just use it for a little color this morning, selfishness is, in a sense, the enemy of compassion. Or the opponent of compassion. or a disease that afflicts human beings and interferes with the realization of compassion. Does that make sense to anybody?

[02:27]

So, in a sense you could say that The root of Buddhism, the root of Buddha's teaching, the root of Buddha's enlightenment, the root of Buddha is compassion, and the fruit of enlightenment is compassion. And part of that compassion, the Buddha's compassion, is the realization of selflessness. So today I'd like to talk about the realization of selflessness, which is very important in the Zen practice. Good old selflessness. I actually came to Zen Center because I thought that it might be possible to learn how to be selfless.

[03:50]

I thought that I was potentially selfless. I thought I could learn to be selfless. And that's what I wanted to learn. So I came to Zen Center because I thought that Zen Center would have a practice that would help me realize selflessness. Did any of you come here for a similar reason? Selflessness? Do you know what selfishness means? Do you know what selfishness means? Selflessness means you're not selfish anymore. Or your selfishness just falls away. You come here and your selfishness falls away.

[04:55]

Did you notice that? She didn't notice that. Did you notice that when you came here there was some selfishness still? Did you find? She said, yeah. She thinks there's still some selfishness. In you? In you? Yes, yeah. Good. I mean, good that you noticed it. So we're not, we're kind of naturally, you don't have to work, well, you kind of, you have to work, actually. You do have to work at being selfish, and most of us have worked at that. And we got a lot of help from my mother and father to learn how to be selfish. So most of us know how to be selfish now, at least a little bit, don't you? So most of us are miserable a little bit. Because being selfish is misery.

[06:00]

Well, sometimes it's fun, but in the back of the fun is misery, is anxiety. Because you know you're going to get in trouble for being selfish. Right? Eventually. And actually right now, too. If we have any selfishness, it's anxiety. Equals anxiety. Some of us either hope or are betting on the possibility of realizing selflessness some of us think from the stories we heard about some people and the activity we've seen some people involved with we actually think it is possible to be selfless but it's also easy to be selfish and most of us are naturally selfish naturally means given our body and mind and how we grow up, we become selfish.

[07:08]

The path to selflessness can be realized, selflessness can be realized if we understand how thoroughly selfish we are. Selflessness. To be selfless, we must realize how thoroughly we aren't selfless. Does that make sense? Pardon? A little bit. Yeah. So you come to Zen Center and you notice that you're selfish. So if you understand thoroughly how selfish you are, you will realize selflessness. Realizing a little bit how selfish you are probably isn't enough to realize selflessness. Most people have had a glimpse of their selfishness but to thoroughly understand it is required and actually pretty much sufficient to realize selflessness.

[08:29]

Many of you have heard the statement, to study the Buddha way is to study the self. Today I would change it to say, to study the Buddha way is to study selfishness. And to study selfishness is to study selfishness thoroughly. if it's the Buddha way. The Buddha way is not only to study selfishness, it is to study it thoroughly, thoroughly, in all the ways that it is, to learn all about it. And if you learn all about selfishness, you will forget all about selfishness. And when you forget all about selfishness, you will be completely filled with love for all beings and your love will be purified of any selfishness sometimes people say the first step

[09:51]

in realizing selflessness, in realizing pure compassion, is to practice tranquility. And I would say it slightly differently today. I would say the first step in realizing pure love, love without any attachment, love without any self-serving agenda, pure compassion, the first step is to tranquilly study your selfishness. So today we're having a one-day sitting and we have a number of periods of meditation where people can go sit in a lovely meditation hall in a noisy city and listen and see and smell and touch and taste and think and emote in the middle of their selfishness.

[11:25]

But it's not recommended necessarily that you sit or stand or walk or lie down and writhe and squirm and scream and bang your head against the floor about how selfish you are. We're actually recommending that you calmly Restfully sit in the middle of your life, but don't forget, sit in the middle of and face the fact that you are one selfish critter. Or rather, you think you're one critter and therefore you're selfish. the way you understand yourself is that you're separate from others you think it's true and you're concerned for this side of the equation of the relationship and it's uncomfortable to be concerned about yourself

[12:42]

You know, this morning at breakfast time, I didn't want to go to breakfast. I didn't want to go to breakfast. They're having a nice breakfast in the Zendo. Actually, it was a delicious breakfast, but I didn't want to eat it. Because a selfish feeling arose, I had a selfish feeling. And my selfish feeling was, I don't want to go eat breakfast with the other people. Now, I thought, you know, they might want me to be there because I have a good seat. and they don't want to waste my good seat.

[13:51]

So they'd probably like me to be there, and maybe the cook actually planned, you know, food just to be enough to feed all of us, so maybe I should go. Aside from my selfishness, does anybody else in this whole building not want me to go down there? Did anybody else not want me to go to breakfast? No? Really? I was the only one. Isn't that funny? I was the only one who had another idea for what I would be doing with my life during that period of time. And maybe some other people didn't want to go either. Now, some other people maybe did want to go because they knew how good it was going to be. But actually, some people don't like Japanese food. Maybe they didn't want to go because it was kind of a Japanese breakfast. Tofu and things like that. do you like tofu no you don't like tofu you like French food anyway I went and it isn't so much that I'm saying when you have a selfish desire and you know you don't want to go to breakfast but most other people would

[15:19]

appreciate you being there I'm not saying you should always go but if you want to realize enlightenment and if you want to realize love big time and pure then it's not so much that you should go to breakfast with the other people but rather that you should study your selfishness And you might be able to study your selfishness by not going to breakfast. It's possible. But would you be able to? Would you sit, you know, not having breakfast and think about, I'm not having breakfast, I'm not having breakfast, I'm doing it for selfish reasons, blah, blah, blah. But if you go to the meditation hall and do what you don't want to do, which isn't harmful or anything, as a matter of fact, helps everybody, including you, It helps you, in this case, it helped me to go to the meditation hall.

[16:25]

It didn't hurt me to go to have breakfast. It didn't hurt me to do my second choice for the morning. It didn't hurt me at all, and it probably helped everybody else. Did the other people there, were you helping me being there? Did it help you at all? Didn't help you? Did it hurt you? Did it help you? Didn't hurt you? Did it help anybody? How many people did it help? Now, how many people did it hurt? It didn't hurt anybody. It helped some people. That's good enough, isn't it? It looked like it helped about 10 people. Some other people don't care, and nobody was hurt. That's not bad. As a matter of fact, you know, one version of the vow of a baby Buddha, or, you know, we have a Buddha training program, right? It's called Bodhisattva Practice, Buddha training program.

[17:28]

One of the vows is, today I will help one person before lunch and one person after lunch. So I already got ten before lunch. Now, let's just check here now. If I have lunch, will it help anybody to think... So then I can, would it help anybody for me to have lunch? One person, that's enough. Two, three. Okay, so I'm set for the day if I had that thought. All I gotta do is eat with my co-practitioners. When they're eating, I just go eat with them and they feel helped. So there, I did part of my job of helping somebody today before and after lunch. Plus, and helping them is important, but another aspect of it is I get to study my selfishness. I get to see, well, I want to do this, I don't want to do that. Well, what's that about?

[18:31]

And learn about it in detail. And not just at mealtime, but during every period of meditation, and not just in every period of meditation, but in every moment of every period of meditation, selfishness is either solidly in the front or lurking in the shadows. And actually, it's easier to learn about it when it's out in front than when it's lurking. So you're walking around the building and the selfishness is lurking. But when it comes time to go to breakfast and you don't want to, the selfishness comes out in front. So you can see it. Wow, selfishness. Now what am I going to do about that? Well, calmly learn about it. That's all. Isn't that simple? And isn't that difficult? It's difficult to learn about selfishness because selfishness is not all that attractive in ourselves and also in others.

[19:40]

Sometimes it's attractive, but usually it's attractive when somebody's being selfish about doing something good for us. Like, let me help you. Okay, that's really nice of you. Once again, if we want to be free of self-centered life, which is the same as if you want to be free of anxiety, we have to learn all about our self-centeredness.

[20:53]

We need to calmly study it. We need to study our self-centeredness in a balanced way. flexible, tranquil way. We've got the self-centeredness. We've got the selfishness already. We don't need to get any more. You don't need to be any more selfish than you already are. All you've got to do is meet it. Just meet it in the middle way. in a balanced way and then again and [...] again moment after moment meet selfishness and if you can't find any selfishness

[22:03]

we have a Zen center for you to help you find it. Not everybody finds their self-centeredness as soon as they come in the door, but a lot of people find it immediately. As soon as they step into the door, they find it. And some people find it on the steps as they're going up to the Zen center. But most people find it pretty soon after they get here. And then if you lose track of it, just go to somebody that you trust who has been studying selfishness for a long time and ask them to help you find your selfishness again if you lose it, if you lose sight of it. Now it's possible that you actually lost it permanently and that you're a Buddha.

[23:11]

You just can never find it anymore. So sometimes you want to go check to see if you've really lost it or just you're hiding it from yourself. Because, of course, one of the main ways we're selfish is we hide our selfishness from ourself. Because that's the ultimate selfish act. It's ignoring your selfishness. which hurts you because then your selfishness is hidden behind you and you're a slave of it without even knowing it and you think I know there are some selfish people but I'm just not one of them and I'm really happy about that and you know I find other, and not only am I unselfish, but I'm even patient with other people's unselfishness. Because that's how unselfish I am. I mean, I know they've got this problem, but I understand how, I used to be that way.

[24:21]

So if you think you're unselfish, take another look or be skeptical about that. That's one of the ways to study your selfishness is be suspicious if you think you're not. This is a big group of people and probably nobody would like to say so, but is there anybody here who is not selfish, who doesn't have any selfishness? Yes? You're not? How is that? Pardon? Oh, you don't know how it is to not be selfish? Because you don't think you're selfish. But tell me how it is to not know that you're selfish.

[25:33]

How is that? When you look inside, you don't see any selfishness. Is that what you're saying? What are you doing today? Do you have any plans? You don't? Would you stay here all day, please? No. I don't know. We're going to find out. You said you needed help, right? So what's the problem with staying here all day? I'm inviting you to stay here all day and I'll actually give you some place to sit all day. I'll give you a nice place to sit. Pardon?

[26:37]

You're not alone? Would you please stay too? Pardon? First time in San Francisco? You want to see something besides the Zen Center? Do you... Do you want to see something besides, which is the most important to you, to see something besides Zen Center or to become a Buddha? It's a difficult question, right. I came to San Francisco to see San Francisco, but I didn't see San Francisco, I became a Buddha. Which do you think will be most helpful to the world? For you to stay here all day and give up your plans or to go do your plans?

[27:45]

You have a child here too. Have a child. What does a child want to do today? So one of the ways you find selfishness is to see if you're, if when I suggest to you about staying here today, to see if you hold, are you holding to something? Like you have a plan, you have a plan. You have a plan, I have a plan. Everybody's gotta have a plan. So everybody's got a plan. Like most people are planning something, but are you attached to your plan?

[28:50]

You have your plan. [...] Okay? And I have my plan for you. My plan for you is to help you find out if you have any attachment. Because you attach to the things that you want. You don't have to attach to the things that other people want. You don't have to. They're taking care of that. And if somebody else lets go of what they want, that's okay for you. You don't have to do that. You can let them let go of what they want, and then they have something else they want. And you can accept that, maybe, as long as it doesn't interfere with your plans. But if you're not holding on to your plans, not holding on to your plans is selflessness. So you have a plan.

[29:53]

You came to San Francisco. We won't talk about your reasons for coming here. But we'll say, anyway, now you're here. You have some plans for the day. You want to see something besides Zen Center. That's your plan. You have Zen Center, Chinatown, Golden Gate Park, whatever, you know. This is my plan. Selflessness means you let go of your plan. If you hold on to your plan... If you say, no, no, I'm not going to let go of your plan, my plan, that is selfishness. That is selfishness. You do not have to hold on to your plans. You can have a plan and give it up. And in giving up the plan, you can still do what you planned. Like we can all give up the plan. Those people who are planning to stay here today, all of us can give it up and then go ahead and stay here all day.

[30:54]

Those of you who are planning to do something besides staying here all day can give up your plan and go do something else. But you can also stay here. All three of you, visitors from where, France? Where are you from? Yeah, so our visitors from Germany, they could give up their plan of seeing other parts of San Francisco and sit at the Zen Center all day, or they can give up their plans of seeing San Francisco and go to Sausalito. Or they can give up their plans of going to San Francisco and see San Francisco. This is possible when you are in love. When you are in love, you don't particularly care about whether you go to Chinatown or Golden Gate Park or at the Zen Center. It's the love that's important. You want to benefit the people you love. That's your orientation.

[32:01]

And you have no attachment to how to do that. So, did you find any selfishness yet over there? no you you did you did find it your attachment to your plan is selfishness that's what I mean by selfishness attachment to your idea you're not attached to my idea are you no I'm not attached to my idea either my idea is you stay here today and find out about selfishness okay that's my idea but I'm not attached to that idea your idea is that you don't stay here and you are attached to that idea right you want to do that you don't want to you're not really entertaining giving up your idea and trying out mine. Are you? That's selfishness. So you found a little selfishness. That's it. And there's some problem around that selfishness too, some little difficulty, because not only are you attached to that, but if you don't get it, it's going to be a little bit of a problem.

[33:04]

But you're probably going to get it. You're going to get out of here probably. But if we actually held you here, you know, you'd think this is very strange. Yes. Yes. Okay. So to be honest, you actually would like to stay here and not take your friend around. Right? Did you find your selfishness? Huh? You found it. She found it. So now you're going to give up your selfishness of staying here and do the loving thing of taking your friend around. Unless she stays here. So we have the little boy here.

[34:05]

He's the one. Okay, can I have your... Would you please give me your little animal? Can I have it? Oh, yeah. See, that wasn't selfish. Do you see? That's how it is. He says, give me a teddy bear. You go. That's what brought me to Zen Center, acting like that. Somebody says, Does that show that there's one who's not selfish? There is no such thing as one who's not selfish. Yes. Huh? There's no such thing as Buddha, right? There's no such thing as Buddha. But, even though there's no such thing as Buddha, because Buddha is selfless too. Buddha could be you, could be him, could be me.

[35:05]

There's no way to get a hold of what Buddha is. But Buddha can happen. This thing, which there is no such thing, which is happiness, which is compassion, which is pure love, it can be realized, but there's no such thing. Because it's selflessness. Selflessness is not over there or over here. Selflessness is all over the place, and it is really what's happening. Therefore, it's freedom. Therefore, it's fearlessness. Therefore, it's happiness. But in order to join the Buddha, which is no such thing, you have to let go of all the things that you think you are to let go of those. You have to let go of those. But in order to let go of those, you have to see how you're holding on to those.

[36:08]

And if you learn all about how you're holding on If you learn all about how you're clinging to your idea of reality, which you're the only one who's clinging to it. Everybody else thinks it's, you know, so-so, your version of reality. Some people think it's really off. Some people think it's okay, but you're holding on to it, and nobody else is. If you look at how uncomfortable it is to go around carrying your truth, yourself, your idea of reality all the time, always holding it, always maintaining it, never losing it, always making sure whether things are going that way or not, this is the enemy of compassion. And if you learn all about that, you'll realize freedom from that. If you study it and learn all about it, calmly, tranquilly study it in a balanced way.

[37:11]

And the middle way is even to, well, the middle way of studying this, the central, the balanced way of studying this selfishness is, first of all, don't try to get away from the selfishness and don't indulge in it. Don't yield to it. Don't wallow in it and don't fight it or try to get away from it. That's the balanced way of studying this selfishness. And the other aspect of the balanced way to study this selfishness is don't even say or think, or put it positively, find a way to look at this selfishness without attributing existence to it or non-existence to it. don't say this is selfishness and it exists or this isn't don't say it lasts don't say it's annihilated this is the balanced way to be with the selfishness which arises in our life quite naturally okay so everybody's got it right there all day long I hope you can study it

[38:32]

calmly, flexibly, patiently, wholeheartedly face your selfishness. Learn all about it. This Saturday. Any other questions about it? Yes, yes. The phenomenon of selfishness is just like the leaves on the trees. The selfishness arises, the delusions that is based on still arise. But if you study a leaf or study selfishness, when you learn all about a leaf, what you used to think the leaf was will drop away. You'll find an endless world of beauty at the conclusion of your study of the leaf. And if you study selfishness thoroughly, you'll find out there's no such thing, and the selfishness will no longer torment you or your neighbor.

[39:42]

But it's not like it's, again, the balanced way of looking at the selfishness is that it's not annihilated. Okay? It's not the middle way to annihilate selfishness. It's not annihilated, and it also doesn't last. Okay? It isn't cut off and it doesn't go on. The way it actually exists is ungraspable. And if you don't grasp selfishness, selfishness won't enslave you. But you can't just say, okay, I don't. You have to get intimate with it and then see when you're up close, do you get caught by it? Do you slip into wishing and go away or yielding to it? And if you do, you've got to Find your balance. You've lost your balance then. You're not studying it in a tranquil, balanced way. We can only learn all about our selfishness if we study it in a tranquil and balanced way. You can learn a little bit about it and be really upset and, you know, whatever. But to really see it clearly, we need to be calm.

[40:48]

Did you have your hand raised, madam? Well, it's not so much that I want to say selfishness brought you here, but it looks to me like coming here, you found your selfishness. And finding your selfishness, you feel tormented. Selfishness is the source of our torment. It's the source of all torment, actually. Selfishness is the source of our feeling tormented, and selfishness is the source of other people tormenting us, and selfishness is the source of us tormenting others.

[41:53]

So you come to here, and it is very good that you came and found out how selfishness is tormenting. And I would say this realization... is beneficial to you and all your friends now if you can continue to be aware of your selfishness and find a way to rest in that torment to be tranquil in that torment you will learn all about your selfishness and you will become selfless however It's a real challenging skill to learn. Okay? Which you feel right now. And you know, the word challenge, challenge comes from French, you know, challenge. You slap somebody in the face and challenge them to a duel. Challenge means insult. Our selfishness is insulting to ourself.

[42:58]

Our selflessness is a compliment. Oh, you're so selfless. You're so unselfish. You're terrific. Hmm. You're selfish. We're insulted. When you feel you're for yourself, nobody even telling you, you see your selfishness, you feel insulted. You're challenged by that. But Buddha, the Buddha, all the Buddhas, all the Buddhas, all the Buddhas, all the Buddhas have discovered selfishness in themselves. In other words, they were selfish. But they didn't run away from it. and they didn't bang their head against the wall about it. They faced it calmly, with dignity and gentleness. They faced their own selfishness, and they became these very inspiring models of selflessness. But not because they weren't intimate with their selfishness. They were. They're just like us. and we'll be just like them if we can face our selfishness the way they face theirs but they had a hard time and they said so they didn't bang their head against the wall they just said it is difficult to do this work it's difficult to face anxiety okay yes yes

[44:30]

You need to have compassion in the first place, I think, in order to even expose yourself, even to dare to look at your selfishness, you have to have compassion. I think when you see your selfishness, that means you have some compassion. And in order to sustain your gaze in order to continue to meet your compassion you must in order to continue to meet your selfishness you must continue to be kind to yourself and you must continue to wish others well too because you understand that in order to help others you have to become free of your selfishness therefore this is necessary work which you're doing for the welfare of the whole world Your Buddhahood, the realization of your Buddhahood, requires that you face your own selfishness. And if you wish to be extremely helpful in this world, if you wish to be a little bit helpful, like help one person before lunch and one person after, in other words, purify your love.

[45:37]

You must be compassionate towards yourself while you're facing selfishness. the obnoxious topic of your own selfishness and the obnoxious topic of other people's selfishness, too. It's hard to see other people's and your own. So compassion is at the root of realization of selflessness. Definitely. Yes. the goal of selflessness, it's a very lofty goal. It's true. But it's needed because we're all going to be suffering until we realize it, and we're also all going to be hindered in our relationships, which is suffering, and we're going to be dangerous to others as long as we're selfish.

[46:46]

A selfish person, like right now, everybody here has admitted pretty much to be selfish, but nobody's causing that much trouble right now. you're not but that selfishness when pushed as it sometimes does can be the source of something really harmful so right now we're not being so bad but we can be we can we can be potentially really really cruel if we're selfish. So on one side we have a great harm that's potentially there unless we overcome selfishness, severe harm to ourself and others, and on the other side we have a great good if we would overcome it. So it is a very high and lofty aspiration, but it's kind of necessary to realize it. And the reason why it's necessary to realize it is because we just really are that way we really are selfless it's a delusion to be selfish so we're just not we can't we does not an optional you know we can't we can't get away from realizing our selfless selflessness we can't get away from we it's going to keep hounding us forever until we realize it because it's our nature to both be selfish and it's our nature

[48:14]

to transcend selfishness. We got the selfishness down, now we have to learn about it, learn about it, learn about it, and realize selflessness. We have to. Don't you think? You still think there's an option? So this seems to be quite a few people asking. Yes? Selfish is a bad word. Pardon? We shouldn't even use it. Pardon? We're trying to say the word self. We're trying to say the word self. Yeah. But if you say self and you understand by self that that means that you think something that's all by itself cut off from others, is that what you mean by self? self as in right the same quality of what is the quality we all have the quality of thinking of ourselves yes do we also all have the quality of putting ourselves ahead of others yeah okay so we can call it that the quality of putting ourselves ahead of others that's I'll try that

[49:42]

And that quality is anxiety because you know what would happen to you if people find out that you're putting yourself ahead of all of them. Because it's causing us so much anxiety. It's a source of our... That's right. What's which thinking? That thinking is the thing that's causing our suffering, right? I agree. That's what I'm saying. And if you learn all about that way of thinking, that way of thinking which causes our suffering, that way of thinking, you'll be released from that way of thinking. No, no. You already do think that way. You already do think, I'm putting myself ahead of others. You already do that. Everybody does it already, right? I'm not saying you have to do that. I'm just saying you are doing it. Brain damage.

[50:49]

Brain surgery. Things like that. But a normal human being, as you say, we all have that. So I'm not telling you you should think that way. I'm just saying thinking that way is a source of our problems in this world. our own suffering and the suffering which we cause others and which others cause us the cruelty in the world is based on this way of thinking I'm not saying you should think that way I'm just saying let's admit we do and if you learn all about that way of thinking you will be free of it that's what I'm saying we can call whatever you want we got to face it got to face this way of thinking it's a way of thinking it is a way of thinking yes How is the study? The self... First of all, can you find a self? No. Okay. Well, then I have to help you find a self. And when you find a self, which... No, don't look for the self.

[51:57]

Don't look for the self. Don't look for the self because you won't find the self. The self will be the thing. For example, would you please stand up and take your clothes off? Huh? Did you find something there? Study that thing you found there. And study it gently and kindly. And it will drop away. Yes? Making a commitment to anything being somehow selfish. as long as you don't know all about your selfishness. Until you learn all about your selfishness, almost everything you do is tainted by selfishness, including going to a Zen center. Even if you hear, which some of us did, stories of selflessness, and you think they're the most beautiful way to be,

[52:59]

But if you have not yet realized that, you want to go there so that you can be like that. And your selfishness is involved in you trying to become selfless. But you start to notice, I'm selfishly approaching selflessness. And you face the selfishness and you realize selflessness. It is very good not to annihilate selfishness. It's very good not to annihilate it because you can't. And if you annihilate it, you're just deluding yourself more. You're putting delusion on top of delusion to think that you're not deluded. You're doubling selfishness if you think you're not selfish or you think, finally, I annihilated it. even if you did have brain damage or an operation to hurt the part of your body which is involved in dreaming up this delusion, okay, you'll just recover someday and it'll come back.

[54:10]

Because even redwood trees, I think, have some idea of self. So it's a pervasive phenomena. The whole world is trying to... come up with the self and we succeeded very well so all you gotta do is learn all about it and you'll be free of it learn about your enemy learn about your disease learn about your selfishness and you'll be free of your enemy you'll be free of your disease you'll be free of selfishness and Buddha said he got free and somehow It looks like maybe he did. And lots of Buddha's disciples, male and female, over the centuries, have practiced studying their selfishness and have become remarkably kind and loving beings who, no matter what's happening, seem to be happy and free from self-concern and always able to adjust in a really beautiful way to help other people.

[55:20]

So there are stories like this I believed them. And even if they never happened, I still want to be that way. And how about you? What time is it? 20 after? So we've been here for an hour and five minutes. Is there any burning questions? We could have maybe one more question. No? Is that a burning one? Good. Good. She's wearing red. What does that mean? It's the color of fire. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it depends.

[56:21]

But let's make the story simple for now. Let's make the story that you want to do something, I want to do something, and you want to be unselfish, so you do what I want. I didn't say that was good. You're the one who gave that example. I didn't give that example. I didn't say it was good. I didn't say it was unselfish. Okay, did you hear the example? She wants to do X, I want to do Y. She gives up X for Y, and she says, why is that unselfish? It's not necessarily unselfish. For you to give up what you want and do what I want, that's not necessarily unselfish, because you can do that in order to get my love or something. Okay. No, what I meant to say was that I didn't want to go to breakfast, okay? And I thought probably other people did want me to go to breakfast, all right?

[57:26]

And so I did go to breakfast. But I'm not saying my going to breakfast was unselfish. I'm not saying that was unselfish, okay? I'm not saying it was unselfish. I'm not saying it was unselfish, okay? the closest thing to unselfish in this story was that I saw my selfishness that's the unselfish part that I studied my selfishness I'm a Zen priest when I have selfishness I study it studying my selfishness is the mode of unselfishness and in fact I did study my selfishness and whether I would have gone to breakfast or not my study of my selfishness is my freedom from my selfishness. So actually in this particular case, I was pretty free of my selfishness. There was some selfishness, but I could have gone to breakfast or not going to breakfast. But I chose going to breakfast because I thought probably it would help people more than not going to breakfast.

[58:29]

But in either case, I hopefully would continue to study my selfishness. So to give over to other people, you can still be wishing that you'll get things the way you want them to do somehow anyway. But to study it, you can become free of it whichever way you go. Okay? Thanks for the question. Like, you know, I was having dinner with my wife and some people one night, and the guy is a professor at UC Irvine, and my wife says to him, what's Irvine like? And the guy said, oh, it's beautiful. And his wife said, no, it's not as ugly. And he said...

[59:29]

He said, it's ugly. And my wife said to me, you should learn that. Do you hear the laughter? Laughter often accompanies freedom. freedom, you know. Here we are in the middle of the suffering world and we can laugh and be happy. We don't ignore the suffering. And it's not that he thought when he said, you know, Irvine's ugly, that he didn't think it was ugly. He just gave up that he thought it was beautiful. Like right now, do you think the Zen Center is a spiffy place? You don't? You don't? okay it is a spiffy it is a spiffy place okay then you say it is a spiffy place and then you're free of your opinion it doesn't mean you don't have your opinion anymore you still think it's not a spiffy place but you you don't have you know you don't have to like being trapped by your views you can just say oh

[60:52]

It's not spiffy. Oh, it is spiffy. Which view is mine, after all? I can't remember now. Which one was mine? You're free. So my wife said, let's go do something. And I say, I don't want to go. And she says, yes, you do. And I said, I want to go. You know? And I don't want to go, but I say I do want to go. And I'm free. I'm free of my thing that I don't want to go. I'm free of my thing. I'm free of the my thing. That's my happiness. And then, of course, I do go and it's great. But not because it was great, but because I'm free. And if we don't go, I'm free too. The point is to let go of your thing, whatever it is, doesn't mean you can't do it. It means you're free of it. So you go, you're free, and you don't go, you're free. But if you hold on to your thing, if you go, you're in pain, and if you don't go, you're in pain.

[61:58]

Do you understand? I think this is true. If you want to leave Zen Center and you hold on to leaving Zen Center, and you leave Zen Center, you'll be miserable. If you want to leave Zen Center, and you hold on to wanting to leave Zen Center, and you stay at Zen Center, you'll be miserable. You think, oh, if I want to leave Zen Center, I leave Zen Center, and I hold on to leaving Zen Center, I'll be happy. You won't be. If you want to have a nice time the rest of the day, you got to give it up. So you have to give up leaving Zen Center, and you have to give up staying at Zen Center. If you both give it up, if you both give it up, you'll both be happy. If neither one of you give it up, you won't be happy. Attachment is a bummer. It isn't necessary to be attached to your body and mind. It's not necessary. You don't have to. Matter of fact, if you want to take care of yourself, the only way you can do a good job is to not be attached to yourself.

[63:06]

You understand? You should learn that. I think he got it now. So now it's a matter of practice, and it's hard practice because it comes down, what do you call it? The place where the tire hits the road is when you want X and somebody else wants Y. There it is. You want to do this, but it's time to do that. It's time to do that, and you want to do this. There it is, selfishness. Study it, study it, study it, and you'll be free of it. You'll let go of it. Everything's exactly the same. You still want to do X, and it's time to do Y. Exactly the same, but you're free. If you do Y, you're free. If you do X, you're free. If you get your way, you're free. If you don't get your way, you're free. Because you let go. If you hold on, whether you get your way or not, you're miserable.

[64:11]

And you may think it's a little bit better when you get your way, but many people feel worst of all when they get their way. They feel guilty. Oh my God, I overpowered you, you know, I'm so sorry. You know that one? It's called guilt. And the other one, the other side of your guilt that you didn't take care of yourself. Attachment is a source of guilt. You are guilty of attachment. Zen practice is letting go of your thing and being free of your thing and being free of other people's thing, too. And therefore, you joyfully serve all beings. To help them become free of their thing.

[65:16]

Yeah.

[65:17]

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