Song of the Jewel Mirror Samadhi, Part 5: Wholeheartedly Wondering Who You Are

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i've been told that this is a beer bottle
but it has come butcher inside

a birthday present
someone explain what combo bouquets
it's a fermented drink
a fermented drink kind of tea

somebody said to me
i want to figure out how to do the practice
something like that
and the practice or practices he was trying to figure out as i said i support i support you to do these practices but i caution you about figuring out how to do them
it's okay it's okay to figure out how to do practices
but while you're figuring it out
it's good to wonder
for example if their bodies out for practices it's good to wonder why you're trying to figure out bodhisattva practices
how my homie i live as a bodhisattva
so i'm
i'm i'm doing bodhisattva practices but i'm also not too sure what they are while i'm doing them and it's okay to try and figure out what they are while you're doing them
but the same time question
how can i lived the life of a bodhisattva
you're figuring out
can narrow the practices down to
something they will develop perhaps some self righteousness
are some charge
some stress
so i when i was talking this person i said we know like if you're
if you try to do a crossword puzzle you're trying to figure out the crossword puzzle
but if you're on if you're on the path
right path
if you're on the path of
being true human being
it isn't that you can't do crossword puzzles it just add your kind of wasting your time if you're doing the crossword puzzle
and on some com witcher
yeah it's kind of a waste of time to be working on a crossword puzzle and forgetting to wonder
i wonder how i can live and be a true human being

and in your question earlier if if somebody's confused if you're confused if somebody is trying to get confused and you're trying to clear up some confusion to figure out how to clear up some confusion fine
but figure out confusion and clearing up confusion does not liberate all beings
liberate all beings is the question
i wonder how i can live the life of liberating all beings

and we just how does this chair which said ivan from this life on throughout countless lives to hear the true dharma
here in a true dharma liberates our bags but hearing a true dharma is not doesn't come by figuring out what the true dharma is
it comes from listening to everything
while wondering what is everything who am i right to true self
in other words that come from listening wholeheartedly
and you can do crossword puzzles while you're listening wholeheartedly
it's possible

yeah after you hit after you before you here is a true dharma
in other words before you listen
do two things wholeheartedly you may have some doubt
about many things
for example you may doubt that you're listening wholeheartedly
you may wonder how to listen wholeheartedly
he may be open to that your half listening
and i'm suggesting to you over and over that part of being
truly who you are
mr wonder who you are
and not be perfectly sure who you are
and most of you seem to be open to wondering who you are
wondering ah
what it is to be a true human being
but many many human beings
are not actually open to wondering what a human being as they they they think they know what a human being is and they think they're who they think they are human being and they think they know what a human being as and that i would suggest is a half hearted way to live
although many comfortable occasionally
in the long run however it doesn't liberate all beings
i want to realize who i truly am i want to realize what a human being truly is and i'm not completely sure who i am or what a true human being as
i get poem by rocha
i'm circling around the ancient tower
i've been doing this for
thousands of years
circling around the ancient chart tower of being human what is a human
and i don't on the front or jack remember the bombs he said i don't know what if i'll ever if i'll ever finish circling
and i don't know if i'm on a falcon
a storm or a great song
but i will continue to circle
around the issue of
being a true human being
which is the way to save all beings as for each of us to be
truly who we are
which allows lots of figuring out along the way if you want
but it's not necessary to abandon the the work
have circle of offs of second emulating
our true self and again circling around it is good because we shouldn't touch it or turn away from it but stake stay with at all the time
as much as you can and if you can't or if i can't if i get distracted from
being intimate with this
with this truth then i'm kind of my actually kind of myself so i can continue circling
i'm sure that i can continue the questioning

so this is how to be a good person i can have such a view
i would like to be helpful i think this is helpful
i haven't you like that but i'm not so sure about that
and if i talked too much about how helpful i think it is i may start really believing that it's helpful
and lose the question about
and losing contact with not been conducting sure that it is helpful and then although i do have this view and i am trying to do do something helpful
i'm not wholeheartedly listening to myself or others
and then i can't hear the dharma
i can just hear my opinions
and i can hear people crying and part of what they're crying about us that i'm being rigid about my ideas of what would be helpful to them

and he responds to this to these
do this

you only think that you're turning are touching away or other people only think you're turning are touching away
well he in the actuality
of the in the actual process of liberating beings
which isn't inconceivable process of liberation we are not turning away or touching
the process
we have this process and now
we've been told we have it and now we're told don't take care of it
and so one way take care is don't turn away or touch but another way say it is you may think that taking care of it would be to touch it or turn away from it
but know don't fall for that
because falling for that is not taking care of taken care of it is is realizing you can't turn away or touch so don't turn away in touch
don't move to be who you are
and in fact you never knew moved to be who your work so in the realm where you think you can move to be who you are don't

don't get excited about being who you are and don't be obsessive about who you are because you really aren't you're not obsessive are are are fanatical about being yourself
you're perfectly yourself you have that but since you think you can be
that would be wrong that would violate the way you actually are and the way you actually are as you are this intimate
interest matt
you are the buddha's
so don't do anything that contradicts being buddha right crying turning away stealing touching being possessive thinking yeah right and other people are not as right

come on saturday
that's really really struck a know what they want
so let their asked about it how are popular in the dorgan magruder seem to have no doubt and struck me that ah
yeah maybe what what they show is just so much confidence in down
you know that they basically tried everything else and what
right gives them the world's confidence is settling in to break down some issue
shopping and accurately but again
that would be a justinian way of putting it in
independent and atlanta which we welcome and appreciate
his name's justin
be ordered in or they're working this was the people's it's and a weakness or on certain here and secured which was already
insecurity not been completely sure
and and some people are kind of uncomfortable when they're not completely sure or what kinda out to me was something instead of being used for him the
we were upstairs and is looking for
heard much about this was talking about out on a cell phone and such as image i've been around sort of berkeley santa rosa was gonna wow
she or he picks up for that
was it no
how is it
it's not by in every millisecond on the way down as that oh well wait for how and now you know here won't have that way that can be found on simple funny it's not an uncertainty also kind of you could feel kind of insecure for but i just feel so both from my life
discover that as much it a man happy that my work
how old girl
maybe even know
well i know how would a body side but actually might sometimes think that the floors gonna hold them up
and think that that's true but the bodhisattva path is to say i don't know if the floor will put me up and but i'm a step on any way to see how it does
i wonder
i'm not completely sure that my foot will be supported but i'm gonna put it down and see what kind of support i get there is that story about the booty you know when he was being asked to demonstrate that he wasn't being self righteous about his vow to not move under the bodhi tree and
he took his hand any
touch the earth to call the earth to witness that he was not doing as self-centered lee
but i don't think he knew
but the earth was gonna say yes we support you
and i often say that i don't know if this my projection but anyway i sometimes would watch suzuki roshi offer incense
and he would put it in and then he would let go
and then i felt like he was all surprised if it stood up
and also he was surprised if it fell over
but it wasn't like i'm putting this in it it's gonna stand up and i said if my like reporting please

this can like this is
let's put this incense into the ash and see what happens at we wanted to stand up actually
and straight to
most pretty straight wow or that went to strip and try again
one time he was
eating a
during a formal meal and he he had his bed in his lap and he had rice white rice
and he was forming a bowl of sort of making a ball on the rise to eat and he had been tilted and i thought i thought
that raise my fall out by that what he doesn't match up a won't fall out and it fell out
a better eating you know more in many ways one is that it's not the zen masters don't have the rice fall out of the ball but also it's that he wasn't trying to he was
don't trying to make a follow the ball
he was surprised i was surprised and he was surprised
but i didn't i couldn't see whether when he picked it up and put it back in the bowl if he was like trying to hide it said nobody noticed that there's a masters dry spell out i didn't notice that i was more like turn of
in all of the rice ball

the rice ball was in a way
the rice bar was was a zen master

so yet safe in our another known example as i sometimes uses when you reach for a doorknob and turn it don't assume that the door not going to come off and you come out of the door and your hand see if you can not really wonder what's gonna happen now
this makes life
you know may mimic life seem less secure
but it makes these daily activities opportunities
for the actual full life

living fully

his faithfulness in order for anyone

versus somebody like me
i think that the bodhisattva career involves quite a few moments of forgetting to be playful
and and then recovering
so the bodyside for pads is very compatible with what we call recovery
the bodhisattva path is not a path of eternal damnation
it's a path of
slipping and falling and getting up and trying again
but many of us actually go for a long time without basically changing our aspiration
i know a lot of people who
you know it's been years and they consistently wish to be calm their true self their true person
in other words they wish to become a bodhisattva but they get distracted and many people's i hear when the most common things i hear from people is why do i have to come here to remember
i know that people did you all know what you want but you get we get distracted
but by revealing and disclosing are distractions before the buddha's
that practice melts away the root of getting distracted by the power of that confession and saying we're sorry for getting distracted for wasting our time again i did the crossword puzzle and i got distracted rather than i did the crossword puzzle and i happy to report that i wasn't i was not die
distracted during to the proffered puzzle working
and as soon as i finished
i got distracted and i'm sorry and i'm sorry i'm sorry and i'm sorry thank you buddha i love your buddha i'm sorry i got distracted from my love
extracted from my love of the intimate entrustment between all of us
can i get distracted by going someplace where i can get a whole of things
i'm i'm sorry i do that
but i still feel joyful that i'm that i'm in this line of work that i'm i'm in this line of play
even though i fail a lot i hear that before buddha's were booed as they were just like us
they got distracted

i wondered too
i wonder if too
and if you don't believe it
i wonder if you can can you still keep wondering when you don't believe it
because you know not believing could be again like trying to figure out a crossword puzzle

are they got there you go i don't believe it give it a chance and i'm not sure that i don't believe it
hmm i much i don't believe it but i'm not sure i don't believe it maybe i do believe it

listen to the i don't believe that they're going i don't believe it i don't believe that i don't believe it listen to that listen to that listen to that song coming from the hearts are beings we don't believe we don't believe
don't you believe we don't believe that before buddha's were buddhists they were just like us we don't believe it i'm listening to you i wouldn't miss your cry of disbelief
and again teaching is if you wholeheartedly hear that cry if i don't believe
we'll hear the dharma
where it doesn't wipe away that i don't believe it just to you hear the dharma and i don't believe and you hear the time and i do believe
and people do say i don't believe i do believe
so the bodhisattva
listening to those cries
and listening to them so wholeheartedly
they're not so sure what those cries are on who's listening or what a bodhisattva years and in that place they hear the true dharma
the inconceivable dharma
have such as


in some ways


assumptions and association
that sense it gets harder
to to
let's have compassion for those who have a hard time wondering if the earth will hold them up i have compassion for them and also for those who are putting their foot down and not knowing if it's going to as the earth can hold her was have compassion for them to
metab two people through who are who are not yet ready to
take this daring step and let's have compassion for those who are taking this daring step
thank you
and compassion for those who are not yet ready to take this daring step promote them
promotes the the maturing into being able to take that step
and they feel like nobody and i should say nobody when they feel like some people are loving me even though i'm still
sure the world will hold me up some people will love me no matter how long i do this
so i think maybe now that i know that i really try something new
and those who are doing this they appreciated that somebody rooting for them to and somebody supporting them to have no support
the boys are supporting us when we feel like we have support and buddhas are supporting us and working with us intimately when we feel like we're open to giving up our support both cases they're working intimately with us
and both so on one case they work he was working as us to get us there's a place where we can give up that assumption and the other case they're helping us go from having given up that assumption
to realizing put on it
everybody's on the conveyor belt getting support you were the rat

and sometimes we slipped back

yes era
when asking you have to make sure that they were back saying
to get to practice
whatever it get the facts are under control
and figured out and get it under control
my question
been given instructions for medication
in a way
were requested i'm wondering why is everyone here you know that during the practice i will be using our time
well because it does you know nationalism amount of damage me
years ago i came to center
i it
he kept that in my brain for thirty years and you i asked for instruction and it was
sort of liberating because whatever you know i have been told to count the brat
close to ten or whatever
you said just sort of focus down the pasture
the various elements of pastor and or find a breath on that would use for
right think i mean didn't take enough focus on the new centers
these are the i remember sitting so
right what's going to devote oneself at times i also would like to make sure i'm in our the right these have a basic instructions rain is not necessary that are
that i need to be your we're gonna happen but that the elements are right there for them or how i'm approaching it
i wonder if you know that someone can just come saber ram
session can make sure that game this writer when the nation
sometimes that's where i have like like i doing it right you know the practice
when i said so
rock and so i rely on the things that he told me that i notice other people or maybe they're doing a little differently and i'm wondering where we are coming along i did we get direct instruction in there so i heard something like
you wanna make sure you're doing it right yeah that i'm calling the basic you want to make sure that you're following the basic elements
structured and giving do you want to make sure you're following the basic structure that's given
have you even know the basics you want to make sure you know the basic structure

and i'm thinking of the and robert sharpe seminar that we have that that was one of the distinguished professor of buddhist studies from uc berkeley can give a seminar green culture that was company located relative are now just for he thought it would be good if we were
could recruit and train your brain can attack he thought to be good if we want wondered whether or not we were doing it he said he said he thought that was an important part of practice was wondering whether or not we were doing it right right but when he said she wanted to make sure she was doing the right
so there's there's making sure that you're doing it right and there's wondering if you're doing a right right way and naturally i wanted to at least
i mean if you're not sure you're not doing it right that's okay then you can say for of i think you should try listed in our van desde but sometimes i feel like i'm on my own okay okay cannot just do it that way i'm not sure if i'm doing it right
but i am wondering
if i'm doing it right
i'm wondering if i'm doing it right i'm wondering about my body sidebar
i'm wondering if i'm a buddha i'm wondering if i'm helpful
i wanna be helpful and i'm wondering if i'm helpful i'm not sure i'm helpful
and i'm not trying
to make sure that i am helpful
but i am trying to wonder if i'm helpful and i am trying to be helpful but
but i don't know what helpful is
and i don't know if i'm hopeful
and i don't know what the base expire of the path of helping people i don't know what they are i have some ideas
but i
yeah i don't know so if you don't know you're like me and if you want to know for sure then you not like me because i don't want to know for sure
i don't want to know for sure that i got the basics
i don't want to know for sure that i got it right i don't want to know for sure but i i'm totally not only i am up for wondering if i got it right
and i do sometimes wonder if i got gotta right
well i i came the question came from running to be sure i was doing it right route that if you say you know there isn't
i'm not saying that i would leave because that would be like what if i say there isn't then i do i know that i don't know that maybe there is maybe there is a right way
it just said i don't know
prep with perfect sureness what the right way is
when you will get something was transmitted to me saying the our thing he said
garbage i may talk and with i'm i'm starting out today by saying that this track this intimate transmission is is what it's about and you have it you have it and i have a that's the teaching i have been given the intimate trash
mission and so have you
and i'm wondering now am i am app do i have this transmission right i'm wondering
i don't know
i don't this transmission which i understand has been given to me and you i don't know if i have it or if i got it right
and i'm not trying to be sure that i do have it right and that doesn't i'm not up for that
i am up for wondering if i gotta right
so if you want to know for sure that you got it right then you will have different from me but i don't know
how do you know if your way is right or wrong i don't know if your way i wanted to be sure that here got it right is right or wrong i don't know if you're making sure that you've got the basics right is right around i'd er no i just want to tell you that i do not know
know for sure that i got it right
and i'm not wanting to know for sure that i got it right but i am wanting i am wanting everybody to be free
from suffering
i want everybody to be at peace i want anybody to realize this intimate transmission i walked up and i don't know what it is pressure
and on
i don't know
perfectly what it is i'm not even for sure that i don't want to know it maybe i do
so i would be happy to hold your hand walking through the dark
but and i'll hold your hand if i'm want this is the dark and year in the light
how would you have them do but i'm not i'm not just in the light i'm partly in the light or i see your face and i know your name but i'm also in the dark i don't know who you are i don't know what you are
and i gonna think you're much more than i can see
i kind of think that what i know about you is just a containing the for bit of what you are
but i respect that little bit did i see
but i don't think that's all you are
but i don't and i don't know the full extent of what you are i can make up a story like you a great bodhisattva is coming here to ask me these questions
but that's that hasn't even richer it doesn't reach your either
no matter what story and tell about you
i don't think it i don't think it comprehends you

are you are you are you or you are you
therefore i'm not trying to comprehend you
i'm trying to be open to not knowing who you are

i've listened to
without knowing what you're saying to me

i don't want to stop talking with you but i have to go wash dishes i drink out so i have to go i'm sorry