I want to kind of warn you at the beginning that I'm perhaps rather foolishly going to try to give you a great deal this morning. a big picture of the Buddha way with some detail. And yet I don't plan to talk really a long time, so I probably won't be able to do it. Still, I think it looks like I'm going to go ahead and try.

[01:02]

And I'm rather embarrassed, but I'd like to ask you to really listen to what I say carefully. Try to stay with it. Get situated. When I sit down and when I think about sitting down, I reach under my robes and I have a kind of a wrap around my abdomen. I reach in and I push it down below my navel so that my lower abdomen is snugly supported and I feel present down here. I do that to help me be myself.

[02:08]

Because that's really all we have to give to each other, is not just who we are, but being who we are. All the way down to the bottom of our abdomen. And that's nothing much. So my big statement is that I'd like to talk today about the relationship between the bodhisattva vow and being upright. The bodhisattva vow is the wish, the burning desire to accomplish the greatest welfare for all beings.

[03:52]

Sometimes we say all living beings. But today I would say all beings, both living and non-living, animate and inanimate. So not just the living beings, but also the mountains, the forests, the rocks, the ocean and the sky. This is the bodhisattva vow. And to accomplish this welfare for all beings, without no limitation, with no reservations, just completely the most, the highest for all, before yourself. This is the Bodhisattva vow. This is the source of the Buddha's teaching. This is the source of Shakyamuni Buddha's awakening.

[04:54]

This is what motivated him to realize the truth and to teach it. This vow. This is the life. This is the heart from which the Buddhist practice comes. Being upright is the way to protect and develop this vow and bring it to maturity. Being upright is the practice which the vow needs. It's the practice that supports the vow and sustains the vow. Being upright has two basic, two fundamental aspects.

[06:08]

The first aspect is what we call the Bodhisattva precepts. It's the precepts, the teachings for those who make this vow about how to live. And these bodhisattva precepts are the way to enter the other aspect of being upright. And the other aspect of being upright is adjust to be yourself. which we also call zazen, or just sitting. So there's the seed of the vow, which is cared for by this being upright, and being upright has two legs.

[07:20]

I don't know if I want to say it has two legs. I take it back. It has two sides. It has a door, which is the precepts, and the actual meditation practice, which is just to be yourself. The Bodhisattva precepts. Do you know the Bodhisattva precepts? How many people do not know the Bodhisattva precepts? Well, they are, they're 16. In this Zen school, they're 16. And they are, the first three are to take refuge in awakening, Buddha, the teaching of awakening, the truth of awakening, Dharma, and the community of practitioners of awakening, the Sangha. Those are the three refuges in the Buddha's teaching. Those are the first three Bodhisattva precepts. The next three are to embrace and sustain right conduct.

[08:36]

And then to embrace and sustain all wholesomeness, all goodness. And then to embrace and sustain all beings. Those are called the three pure precepts. That's six. And then there's 10 more. which are the heavy ones, or the particular ones, which is the practice of not killing, the practice of not stealing, the practice of not misusing sexuality, the practice of not lying, the practice of not intoxicating, the practice of not speaking of others' faults, this practice of not praising yourself in isolation of others, the practice of non-possessiveness, the practice of refraining from anger, and the practice of not abusing in any way awakening, the teaching of awakening in the community of practitioners.

[09:38]

Those are the 16 Bodhisattva precepts. They are your guide of how to enter into Zen meditation. Now, Zen meditation or Zazen. Zen teachers do teach the Bodhisattva precepts, but particularly they specialize in teaching what we call Zazen or Zen. and this has two legs one leg is called just to sit the other leg is called go to see the teacher and ask about the teaching so there's a intra

[10:57]

psychic dimension of where you basically work with your own body and mind. And then there's an interpersonal dimension where you bring your present and your presence with your body and mind into a relationship and see if you can be yourself and dance with another. So that's an overview. I don't know if you got it. Did you get it? So now if I can walk back through this in more detail.

[12:04]

So the greatest benefit for beings, the benefit that we're mainly concerned with, what to say, as one Zen Master said, we have no other purpose than to, what to say, to melt all the sticking points, to pull out the nails, to release the bonds, to strip away the blinders, and to unload the saddlebags.

[13:17]

The problem for us and for all beings, even for the mountains, is our sticking points, our holding points, our attachments. So there's really no other purpose for the bodhisattva than to help herself and all beings melt the sticking points, unload the extra baggage so we can be free. Because the cause of suffering are these holdings, are these attachments, are attaching to things which are changing, which can't be held. which are trying to be rigid in a dynamic situation. This causes misery because we're trying to do something and everything else is trying to do something else.

[14:29]

We're trying to keep some things under control and the rest of the universe is trying to move and change. We're at odds. We're off. So if we can just lighten up and not hold so tight, but just learn the proper way to touch and move with the situation, to dance with things, this sets us free. This sets all beings free. Or this is the freedom of all beings. Actually, we are dancing right now. We are moving with things. But to the extent that we're not appreciating our movement and change and flow, we close our eyes to our freedom.

[15:31]

Somebody gave me a poem written by a kindergartner who lives in Aptos. I don't know the background of this girl. However, she goes to a Montessori school. Anyway, her poem is called, I assume she's like around five years old. Most kindergartners are. Her poem is called How to Live. Is that enough? It is really, isn't it? That's how to take care of the Bodhisattva vow.

[16:58]

Right there. Just the title of her poem. If you want to help all beings, if you want to support and sustain all beings and help them mature and become free, how do you do that? Just ask that question. How to live? How to live with people? How do you do it? Moment by moment. Meet each person that you want to help. Meet each mountain that you want to help. Meet each river and each ocean that you want to help. And then just stand there and say, how do I live? What should we do? So she says, this girl says, once there was a child who knew how to live. it wasn't hitting it wasn't hugging it wasn't pushing it wasn't kissing it was just being yourself and liking it she was very poor

[18:19]

And she was an orphan. And she managed to keep everything in order. Kyle Marie Van West, kindergarten. If you can be upright, if you can just be upright exactly right here now, that is enlightenment. Just be yourself.

[19:31]

right now exactly as you are that is the definition of Buddha you just as you are and there's an inter-psychic way of being yourself where you feel like okay Put my belt, get my belt down here. And be in this body, and be with this breath, and have my feelings. And I'm here. OK. Or maybe I feel like I'm not here. Well, OK. That's part of being here, too. I'm a little off. OK. Now I'm back. I'm here. I'm just me. That's it. and I don't know what that is either I'm very poor and I'm an orphan and I don't know how to live any more than this

[20:59]

This is all I know. And I still wonder how to continue. I also want the greatest happiness for all beings. And I don't know what that is. But I will endeavor to realize it. I don't know what Buddhist practice is. I don't know what Zen is. I just sit here wondering, what is Zen? What is the way to live? And I don't know any other way than this. this is all I can think of I'm kinda retarded now some people and you make I'm really you know I'm kind of teasing now I'm not speaking the faults of others I'm just teasing some people are smarter than me and they know of another way besides this

[22:26]

And what do you say? God bless them, or Buddha guide them, I would say. But the tradition, the Zen tradition, the Bodhisattva tradition, is to practice like a fool, like an idiot. Being yourself entails... That you really, I mean, it isn't like when you're really yourself, it isn't even like you think, well, okay, I'll be myself rather than something else. You actually come to the point where not only are you yourself, but you actually kind of forget about anything else. You actually don't think there's an alternative. You choose to be where you are, how you are, and you actually kind of don't understand that there's anything else. When I said that I was retarded, actually, I was retarded at that moment, but then I got smart again.

[24:05]

And actually, I do have the ability to think. I'm sometimes smart, too, and I do have the ability to think that I have some alternative to being where I am and my circumstances. And I do sometimes wiggle and try to get away from here and be somebody else. I do. That's my confession. I'm a little bit proud and a little bit embarrassed, however, and sometimes more than a little proud to be stupid. Because being stupid is the lineage of the enlightened ones. Being a fool is a lineage of liberated beings. And what attracted me to Zen was stories of foolish people.

[25:08]

Our teacher, Suzuki Roshi, when he was a little boy, when he was a youngster, he trained with a strict Zen teacher. And he had some Dharma siblings. Some other boys practicing with him. I think there were six of them with him. And one day, they had rotten pickles for breakfast. And when the teacher wasn't looking, the boys cleverly thought of an alternative to the rotten pickles. The alternative to rotten pickles is no rotten pickles. These were smart little boys, so they buried the pickles. Now, the teacher, I don't know how, by some great power, happened to be digging in the ground that day and came upon some rotten pickles, which looked a lot like what he thought the boys were going to have for breakfast.

[26:25]

So he took the pickles out and washed them, and cooked them again, and gave them to the boys for breakfast or lunch. And this time the boys ate it. This time they didn't think they had an alternative. And the boys learned something about food. However, such lessons, I guess, happened more than once at that particular temple. So all the other boys, except for Suzuki Roshi, thought of an alternative and ran away. Suzuki Roshi said, I would have run away too, but I didn't know I could. Each of us has such a fool, such an idiot which is your Buddha nature that doesn't know about running away from your situation and chooses

[27:54]

willingly to be in this life right now with these rotten pickles or these delicious pickles just to be upright with the pickles exactly as they are without knowing anything. Then, in that state, you can see how the world is. You can see how it happened that these pickles came to you. and how you happen to have a body and a tongue and eyes and a heart you can see it and when you see it you will see Buddha and seeing Buddha you will be liberated and everything else will be liberated with you

[29:15]

The mountains will be liberated. The skyscrapers will be liberated. The Golden Gate Bridge will be liberated. The highway, everything will be set free with you. But now I want to go back to that place again. What place? The only place. I want to go back to the world of no alternative. which is where you are right now. That place is a place where if there is any clinging, if there is any lack of understanding of who you are or who I am,

[30:27]

there is there an immeasurable quantity or quality of anxiety and pain. It can't be measured. I can't say whether it's big or little. It's just basically beyond measure. And if you can be present your reward will be that this anxiety, this pain, will be revealed to you. And if you can be present with it as it's revealed, your reward will be that it will be more revealed. And if you can be present and calm, more will be revealed until finally you open up to the total picture of this world of suffering.

[31:28]

And if you can be present with that and not move and not think there's an alternative, you will realize who you are. It is difficult to do this. This is what is necessary in order to realize the bodhisattva vow. We say, If you don't go in this tiger's cave, how will you get a tiger cub? The bodhisattvas say,

[32:47]

If you enter a molten cauldron or a fiery furnace, I will enter a molten cauldron and a fiery furnace too. Bodhisattvas accompany each living being through life and death. They hold hands with every living being and walk through life and death with them. This is all that's necessary. But in order to do this we must be upright. If we lean a little bit we'll get tired out very fast. We'll get burned out and burned up. But if we can be ourselves completely, with not falling in the slightest bit for any alternative to this furnace with these people, we can walk with all beings.

[34:10]

Now, I'd like to get into a little bit what it's like when you feel pretty present and then you try to go see the teacher, or the teacher comes to see you, or anyway, in relationship. Okay, wiggle a little bit. This isn't an alternative. You're wiggling. You're getting ready to go interact now, okay? You're present, right? You've entered the tiger cave and now you're going to go meet somebody. I read this book recently. Linda Ruth cuts loaned me one of her books.

[35:18]

It's called, Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis. And at the end of the book, the statement, till we have faces, appears in the text. And I saw it, but then I couldn't find it, so I asked her to find it, and she found it for me. And she said, are you going to use this in your talk on Sunday? And I said, no. But then when I found the part she found and read it, I thought, oh, that's what I want to talk about. I didn't bring it, but basically it's about this. It's about... When you finally, after how many years, after many years of living, when you finally say what you have to say,

[36:26]

when you finally say who you you know when you finally honestly say what you have to say this is and then it says in the book the first time it says in the book it's the person a teacher says this is when you say this when you finally say what is at the core of your heart and you say it just the way it should be said no more no less this is the joy and meaning of words. And the person writing the book says, that's a glib statement. She says, when you finally say that, it's not necessarily a joy. But she admits that it's very difficult to say it, and when you say it, it's difficult too. And when you say it, I say, you're a fool. It's very foolish to say what you really have to say.

[37:38]

It's very stupid. Because when you say that, everybody knows where you are, and you can be hurt. Because they know right where you are. And some people are jealous and get angry when they see somebody else being herself. They say, who do you think you are being yourself? I can't be myself. How come you get to be yourself? You arrogant so-and-so. And you can be hurt. The person can try to hurt you and they will probably be successful because they know right where you are. You just showed them perfectly. And if they don't like it, all they got to do is say, boo, and they got you. Because it hurts, because you're just sitting there naked. They can say, I don't like your left blah, blah.

[38:42]

And I just showed it to you. And you're the first person I really showed it to. That's part of the price of living in the cauldron. You can be hurt. So stupid. Let's have an alternative. Anyway. The book goes on to say, no wonder the gods seldom listen to people or talk back to people. In other words, people so seldom say what they really have to say that usually the gods don't answer. And then comes a line, something like, we can't meet the gods face to face till we have a face. We can't meet the gods face to face till we have faces.

[39:47]

You've got to put your face out there. You've got to get behind your face and be there to be met. The problem is when you're behind your face, and it really is your face, and when you're behind your words, suffering beings can get you too. The divine's there to meet you and to embrace you. But so are beings who haven't learned how to do this yet. It's dangerous. There's a fierce flame all around this. Bodhisattvas go into those flames for their own good and for the good of others. Because those flames are the flames of being yourself. I mean, they're not the flames of being yourself. They're the flames that surround being yourself. If you stay upright, the flames don't burn. If you flinch, if you jerk, if you shake a little bit from being yourself, the flames get you.

[40:58]

But they're teaching you how to come back. They're saying, no, no, no, come on. I feel a little funny saying this, but I guess I feel foolish to say this too. I'd like to talk about how I work with beings who come to me and ask me for help. And basically, the way I work with them is to try to find out who they are and what they want.

[42:15]

Actually, first of all, I try to find out what they want. And finding out what beings want helps me find out who they are. It's the main thing I try to find out. And I try to find out not what are the various wants, but what is the ultimate want. And I think that the ultimate want, it usually comes down to that they want to be themselves, even though they don't say it that way. Because people want to be happy, or people want to help others, and so on. So I don't tell people how to live. I mostly try to find out how they want to live and then I look to see if they're living the way that they say they want to live. That's what I try to do.

[43:16]

Of course I fail and I slip into trying to get them to be the way I want them to be or something. But my intention is to help people do what they say they want to do and be the way they want to be. So I said I felt, you know, sort of bad about saying that, but somehow I felt bad about saying it because it sounds like how I, I don't know, I felt bad about it because I had to say it. I don't know, I did, didn't I? It's all over.

[44:18]

Part of what's involved here in working for the welfare of others, part of what's involved in giving others and working for others to realize the very best is that you have to give yourself the very best. I propose, just propose, it's not true, I propose that unless we give ourselves the very best, we will not give others the very best. That somebody inside will say, don't give it to her, you didn't give it to yourself yet. If I don't let myself be myself, I also don't have a chance to let others be themselves.

[45:57]

Not to mention if I don't work to help myself become myself and be myself, I won't really give the very best to others to help them be themselves. On the other hand, if I do give myself the very best, In other words, let myself... If I want the very best for others, before myself, I have to give myself the very best. And giving myself the very best means let me be myself. Let me do that, live that, no alternative, upright life. Do that for me. which is the best thing for me. Let me be poor and know how to live. Then I will not, well, not automatically, but then I have a chance to give that to others too.

[47:06]

I might maybe hold, just sort of indulge in it for a little while before I start working for others. Just because when you first let that happen to yourself, you'll be so happy. But when he realized the awakening, he just sat there for a long time and just blissed out. The first seven days after he was awake, he just sat there for seven days, unmoving, in the bliss of liberation. He just sat there and tasted it. And he didn't think about anybody else, because there was nobody else for him. And then he spent six more weeks, a total of seven weeks, just sitting and reviewing his awakening.

[48:09]

And then beings started coming. Say, hi, what's happening with you? Nothing, nothing. How come you look like that? And then his career as the great teacher began. And he had no reservations to help people, and he was very skillful in helping people see the truth that would set them free. He taught people how to be themselves, no more, no less, and see and understand how they came to be and thus be released from suffering.

[49:17]

But it's getting late. Let's see. It's getting late. It's a nice number, though, 1111. So I started talking about how I work with beings. It's also how I work with myself. I try to find out what the being wants. The being says, I want to walk north. I say, you want to walk north? And they say, yeah. I say, when you say north, do you mean that way? And they say, yeah. I say, OK, got it. And if I see them walking north, I say, hmm, they're walking the way they said they wanted to walk. And if they come and tell me, hey, I've been walking north. I say, good, you're doing what you said you wanted to do. That makes a lot of sense to me. Congratulations. But if I see them walking east, then I might say, very politely, excuse me.

[50:54]

Could I check something out with you? And they say, maybe they say, oh, yeah, sure, what? Say, did you say that you wanted to go north? And the person might say, Yeah. Say, well, it looks like you're going east to me. What do you think? Sometimes they say, oh, yeah. By gosh, I am. Thanks. Thank you. Appreciate the feedback. That happens sometimes. But you see, it's not that I think they should go north, really. I'm not kidding. Just like I don't think I should go north. But if I want to go north, then I think I should go north, because that's where I'm going, if that's where I want to go.

[52:04]

If somebody tells me they want to go north, then I say, OK, good, I'll help you. If I ever see you going any other direction, I'll check it out with you, if I can, you know. Other times, however, I say to people, excuse me, did you say you wanted to go north? And they say, so what? Or, do you want me to give you feedback? Well, no, thank you. No, thank you. Keep to yourself. Leave me alone. And I just let it go for a while, maybe for many years. And they come back and say, you know, I asked you for feedback a few years ago, and you haven't been giving me any. I say, well, remember that time I asked you and you said you didn't want any? Oh, yeah. Well, actually, now I want you to. Okay, I'll start again. And sometimes I say, did you say you wanted to go north?

[53:09]

And they say, yeah. And I say, oh, no, sometimes I say, did you want to go north? They say, no, I changed my mind. I want to go south. Well, in the future, would you tell me when you change the program? Because I'm watching, because you asked me to. If a person says, I want to save all sentient beings, then I watch them and I see, are they saving all sentient beings? And if I see they're not saving all sentient beings, like if I see they're saving half the people, Then I say, excuse me, now did you say you wanted to save all of them? And they say, maybe they say, yeah. I say, well, what about those? And they say, oh, thanks. Or, no, I changed my mind. I only wanted to half. OK, half's fine. Let's get that straight, then. You're changing to half? And which half? OK, fine. I'll go with that. Because I think that whatever it is, If I help people do what they want to do, it will gradually become the whole thing.

[54:17]

But I'll start with whatever they want. These Zen teachers who hold hands with beings and walk through birth and death with them, you know, They sometimes act like that. They sometimes say to people, well, what's happening? So they sometimes, like they say, the teacher pushes down the one who is up too high and lifts up the one that's down too low. But it's not that they think, oh, you should be up and you should be down. It means when the person's above themselves, when they're higher than they want to be or lower than they want to be, they say, I want to be right here. And then when they're higher than that, you push them down. But you don't push them down by saying, get down. You just say, did you want to be that way? Or they sometimes say, if they're on a solitary peak, the teacher liberates them from the solitary peak and brings them down into the wild weeds.

[55:30]

If they're up in a state of great enlightenment at peace all by themselves on the mountaintop, bring them down into the wild weeds with all the sewer rats. If they're sunk and lost in the wild reeds, you bring them up into the solitary peak. But it's all coming from the person. But sometimes it looks like, and you can check it out, sometimes it looks like being served a second time rotten pickles. I want to tell one more story, a current story. It's getting late, I know. Want to go? You do? Well, why don't the people who want to go, go. And I'll tell a story to the other people, OK? I'll tell it while you're leaving.

[56:39]

And nice to see you, by the way. So this person, this person I know, who, by the way, I love a little bit at least, Actually, my love for this person is immeasurable. Anyway, this person's been spent a summer. Well, this person wanted to work all summer and make a lot of money so she could go to college. But she was, for various reasons, unable to do so. And this person said... Well, it's my own fault. I really screwed up. I didn't do it. And I was really lazy and didn't do it. And this person recently went back to visit her high school. And one of her teachers said, you know, you're never going to shock your dad.

[57:46]

That's everything you're doing, you're just trying to shock your dad. You're not going to be able to do it, so forget it and just live your life. Anyway, so this person kind of shocked her dad. And so then her dad came to a point where he said, I feel that we have to have some consequences. And so she said, OK, what consequences? And I said, I feel like if you don't get a job in a week, you should move out. And the mother of this young person, when I said that, she got a tense feeling in her lower abdomen. And the young woman walked out, not exactly stamped out, but just walked out.

[58:58]

Or she also said, well, do you have any suggestions about where I should move? And I said, well, that's part of the deal, is I'm not going to figure that out for you. That's part of what I'm saying, is you get it together. You can do this. The world has somehow supported you not doing it all summer, and I don't want to do it any longer. I'll do one more week. And I felt, you know, I was worried about whether I did the right thing. Next morning, I said, do you want me to drive you to the city to look for work? And she said, fine. Quite chipper. And we went in. And she dropped me off to go swimming and came back and picked me up after I was done swimming. And there she was sitting in the couch waiting for me, kind of like bouncing one of her legs over the other one.

[60:07]

With her legs crossed, you know, bouncing one leg, you know. She said, hi, Dad. Guess what? Got a job. Said, are you proud of me? And I said, yes, I am. And then a little while later, she said, do you think that me getting that job has something to do with you telling me that I had to move out if I didn't get one? And I said, I don't know. I don't know. Judging myself when I said it, the main thing I looked for while I said it was, was I there when I said it?

[61:10]

That's the main thing I checked. There was pain there. But was I present with the anxiety of telling someone that I love immeasurably that she has to move out if she doesn't get her thing together in one week? Was I there? Was I confident that this person could do that in one week? And I felt like I was present with it. And being present means I didn't say I did the right thing. I didn't say I did the wrong thing. I just faced the awesomeness of the intensity of being with this person and drawing that line and not knowing whether it was right or wrong. But I had to do it. I couldn't just

[62:14]

say, oh, you know, whatever. I don't think she wanted me to do that. I think she wanted me to say, now you have to do it. I think she needed me to remind her of what she had been working on all summer, that now was the time, and she did it. But I'm not saying that it was because And I'm still not saying I did the right thing or wrong thing. The only thing I know about is, was I there? And I was. That's all I can ever do, is be with her through birth and death. I don't know if I do right or wrong. Sometimes I'm pretty sure I do wrong. But I still haven't found out about this one. Okay, so I have a song for today.

[63:18]

It's a short one, and I have a song book, which I almost never can find the songs I'm looking for, but I had a song, and I looked for it, and I found it, and it's a short one, and it's from, well, I don't know where it's from, but I think it's from a movie called Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. That's where I saw this. That's where I first read the song, and the way it is here is different from the way... that I remember it quite different, but in a fun way. I'll tell you the words, okay? It goes, I think it goes, hi-ho, hi-ho. Okay, you know that one? But here's the words that surprised me. The next part is, to make your troubles go, just keep on singing all day long, hi ho, [...] hi ho. For if you're feeling low, you positively can't go wrong

[64:29]

with hi-ho, hi-ho. And then here's the part which I thought was the first part. It's hi-ho, hi-ho. It's home to work we go. I thought it was, it's off to work we go. But isn't it interesting? It's home to work we go. What can I say? It's home to work we go. That's called taking refuge in Buddha. Isn't that great? Then you whistle. Hi-ho, hi-ho. And then all seven in a row. And then you whistle with hi-ho, hi-ho. So I don't know if we can do this together, but... So, hi-ho, hi-ho, to make your troubles go.

[65:35]

Just keep on singing all day long. Hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho, hi-ho. It's home to work we go, all seven in a row. Ho, ho, ho, ho, hi-ho. So please go off to work now. Go home to your work, OK? It's difficult work. So that's why you have to sing. Oh, it's not. I could do my work, get up in the morning and go sit. It's all Zen. May our intention equally... No, I know seven dwarfs more times than I have.

[66:50]

But that lyric wasn't the whole lyric. But that's the lyric that they sing when they're going home from work. Yeah. Is there anything you'd like to talk about? Yeah?

[67:51]

I was thinking about it, I was thinking out in the back about what we often talked about in this job. The point that we all want to do is to ourselves. And I was thinking that I'm really going to feel that I am my job. It's been a long time. But the thing is that I almost wasn't. I always was, but I couldn't back it up. I didn't really know what people thought was this place inside. And I would let people say, you know, that's not who you are. You know, and then I doubted myself. Yes. And it was like, here's a doubt. Yes. And it felt that I'm a lady that makes me feel good. It felt that he wants people and he wants to expand. you know, being warm and friendly. And that's what, that's what you're looking at today and they're feeling that warm. The place I have a problem with it though, like I'm a performer, I'm a performer and I'm out there in front of the audience.

[69:02]

The hard part is being myself there. Yes. The fear for exaggeration. And I don't know how to. I don't know how to get there. So we had a workshop here recently. The name of the workshop was Fear and Carelessness. But it actually was more about anxiety and about fear. And anxiety arises basically when we have a self and an other. And you can't have a sense of self without a sense of other. But when you have a sense of a self and a sense of other, the other is all around you, which is how you define yourself.

[70:15]

Your self is what ends up the other. And sometimes when you're with people and you feel like with your own children or something, it's almost like you're not other. You feel quite relaxed. When your children start to become other, you feel quite anxiety. And when you have to say to your children, this is where I am, this is my position, and they're in a different place, you have a lot of anxiety. And so in this Fear and Fearlessness workshop, I did it a couple of years ago, and I tried to think of various frightening things to make the workshop actually an experiential thing. And most of the frightening things I thought were... I hesitated to do because it involved physical danger. I didn't want to, like, you know, get the center sued. You did not follow that?

[71:17]

You didn't follow what I just said? In other words, I thought of going swimming in the ocean in the dark. Things like that I thought would be kind of frightening. LAUGHTER We didn't do anything like that, but about halfway through the workshop, I realized that the most frightening thing for people was not jumping off cliffs or going swimming in the ocean of dark. The most frightening thing was to be themselves, and especially to be themselves in a large group, which makes you all the more aware of yourself. So if you hold yourself in any rigid way, you draw the other right all around you. It becomes very clear. This is me, this is not me. And that drawing that around you chokes you. You're choked by your sense of self. Because anxiety needs to be choked or strangled. So when you're in front of a group, especially if like, like Green Gulch, I'm used to Green Gulch pretty much because I know a lot of you people.

[72:22]

So it's kind of like I'm talking to my friends. But if I go someplace and I'm talking to a bunch of people I don't know, and more other, and then I can do more film with my sense of, well, those are all doctors, and I'm not a doctor, so this is self and others. Then my sense of anxiety gets very sharp. So, but it's good for me because it helps delineate my sense of self. It's also showing me that I think I'm not that. And to feel that at that surface where I end and the other starts, that's where I feel choked, smothered, endangered. And around that edge is where you meditate. That's where you realize who you are. And what we sometimes tend to do is we tend to, like, back away from that surface, shrink back from ourself, because if you shrink back from yourself, there's kind of a buffer between you and the place you're getting strangled. So it's kind of like you can go into denial about your anxiety, turn away from that place where you meet the other, the not you. draw back, turn away from that pain and that anxiety, that's a tendency.

[73:28]

But then you get more and more trapped in your small self. And then itself just comes in deeper to get you. And then you have to withdraw from that until finally you're just practically all curled up in a ball and all, you know, dead. Like this person, you know, I was talking to you about this person who got this job recently. She was so happy afterwards that I even had a chance to make some suggestions. Usually I can't make any suggestions because, you know, who knows what they might be. But once I made the big suggestion, and then she was successful, then she let me make some other ones. I said, may I make some suggestions about this job? See, this job is a commission job, so I have some ideas about what might help you make my money. Number one, I suggest you consult with your mother about what to wear. And number two, I was suggesting that you stand up straight.

[74:29]

When you stand up straight, well, you're just this very beautiful creature. I mean, you crunch over here, it's, well, I don't know what to say, but anyway. And I went like this, I went, I've seen how I talk, see all my voices when I'm talking like this, and I'm not exaggerating this. And then see what happens to my voice when I go like this. It's much more open and relaxed. Now, the one problem with this is it frightens people. because you're present. But I think it's better, you'll have more sales from here than you go from here. You know, mostly they'll be worried about you down here. This'll bring you in touch with your anxiety, because this is who you are. This is feeling yourself right out to the surface of yourself. I didn't say all this to her, but this is being yourself. This is upright, you know, feeling your body. You're feeling your voice, you feel your voice resonate through your chest when you're in this position. And there is the other. And there's an anxiety there, but if you can stay with that anxiety, I'm talking not to my daughter anymore, if you stay with that anxiety, you can meet the person and you can work out the best deal.

[75:38]

You think that's a good merchandise? They'll buy it. They want it. So it is difficult. One of the fears is speaking in front of a large group. Because large group means somebody out there you don't know, or a lot of people out there you don't know, that aren't you. So then you feel strangled. But it's at that surface, it'd be present at that surface. And then, if you can be there and sing, it is a great song. It's the song. I know the song. And I know the knowledge, and I know who works. It's between that state. It's between you and the other. That's your song. Who you really are is not what's on this side of the other. Who you really are is a self that's born of the other. You can't be yourself without those other people. And the song you sing when you're singing to yourself, when you're singing just to your own friends, is not the song that you sing when you sing with the other.

[76:48]

That's the great song. That's the song that people who don't know you will want to hear from you. People who, they didn't come into the odd current loving you already. But if you can enter that anxious space that they're also experiencing and sing from there, then they can sing from there. But that's the most intense, that's the fiery flames you have to walk through to get to that place. In the midst of those flames is where the Buddha turns the wheel of Dharma. That's where creativity happens. I'm sorry. I'm not really. That's what Camus said just before he died. The last public speech he gave was, you know, As an artist, I would like, I would wish, you know, that, you know, to have a little break. That little rest, you know, to sort of sit out on the sidelines and relax, you know. But it's only in the pitch, that high-intensity pitch, in the flames of battle that creativity shines forward.

[77:56]

So that's where your real work is, that's where your greatest song comes. But it's hard to go there, and when you get there, it's hard to be, just to be there, to not lean forward, to not lean back, to not lean right, to not lean left. It's very difficult. It's not, and you don't expect it to be easy, and don't expect it to get easy later. If you can sit in it now, like I say, your reward, your reward will be, if you can sit in the middle of the anxiety field now, your reward will be, the anxiety gets turned up. Your reward will be more people you don't know will come. And they'll test even more subtly any kind of clinging you have to that boundary. And if you can be present with that anxiety, that increased anxiety, then your reward will be more anxiety. Exactly.

[79:05]

When you study yourself, when you study yourself right to the limits of yourself, right? You be yourself right up to the surface of your body, right up to where you meet the other person. You feel that anxiety completely. That's the place suddenly turns and you forget yourself. And then all this stuff which is choking you realizes you. then the people who write with you give you your voice, and they give you a voice you never heard before. Well, like Linda, we had a wedding the other day, and she read a poem by Pablo Neruda who said, the end of it was, so intimate that your hand on my chest is my hand, and so intimate that when I go to sleep, it's your eyes that close. So, but before that, just before the intimacy, as you get close to it, there's a Zen saying that the ultimate closeness is almost like enmity.

[80:16]

As you get close, you get more like, almost like war, as you approach the intimacy. When you finally reach there, It all drops away and everything realizes you. But as you close the gap, you heal the wound. And sometimes you think you healed the wound and then the grip gets bigger and you realize it hasn't been healed. So you take the scab off. And on a deeper level, you feel the wound. And you feel like it heals, and the group gets bigger. So you have to keep going deeper and deeper and deeper until, to the bottom of your being, you experience that other beings give you your life. So you have a great, all of us have the opportunity to express ourselves. Yes? Yes, Anne? Oh, um, the word mortification comes in. Yes. It was death to fear. Death to fear, that's the feeling.

[81:18]

Yes. I mean, I remember as a child at school. So part of what I'm talking about is be willing to have no alternative to being such a fool that you'd be defending something ridiculous. And if you can be such a fool, you'll realize how foolish you are. But we have to be willing to be these foolish people who are protecting this person who can't be protected. And then we think, finally. Yes? Rev, you mentioned that there's two legs to Zouzin. First, there's one, there's the sitting itself.

[82:18]

Yes. And there's coming to the teacher. Actually, I might have said that, but what I mean is there's two legs of Zen. Two legs of Zen. One is the sitting. Right. And one is going to the teacher. Okay. And Zen, or being upright, is the way you protect the Bodhisattva Val. And the entrance into Zen, the Bodhisattva Val, you use the precepts to enter into Zen. And then when you're interested in Zen, you have the sitting and the relationship. This brings me to my question. My question is coming to the teacher and having this dialogue as a teacher. I was writing the other morning and I realized that I've never had a relationship actually as a teacher. Even when I was in grade school on, I just haven't had one. And I'm willing to do that, et cetera, et cetera. I just don't know how. You don't know how? No. It's sort of like it's frightening, but I don't think I know how to do that.

[83:19]

Well, nobody knows how. But except you just respond to that simple definition of go to the teacher and ask about the teaching. Nobody knows how to do that, but just do whatever you think it would be. Express yourself, express your understanding of what that means. And then you'll find out You get reflection on your understanding. But if you want to go to the teacher and ask about the teaching, then just do whatever you think that means. It's also sometimes called entering the room. Go in the room. There's a room. Go in the room. And then close the door behind you. Something will happen. One of the last precepts that you mentioned was about not abusing the Dharma, the Sangha, and Luya.

[84:24]

What did you mean exactly by that? Well, one way to abuse it is to say it exists. It's an abuse of Buddha to say Buddha exists. It's called slander by exaggeration. Another way to abuse or slander Buddha is to say Buddha doesn't exist. That's slander by underestimation. Shall I go on, or is that...? I guess I'm abusing, because I'm feeling... You guess you're abusing in that way? Well, so we have a practice for those of us who abuse, for those of us who violate that precept, we have a practice, which he just exemplified. Namely, you say, I guess I'm violating that precept. Most people... Yes? Well, I was just going to be more prophetic about it.

[85:25]

Yes? That originally that precinct also meant not exploiting your community in one way or another, right? Not taking advantage. You're not saying, I'm a Buddhist, and bringing it on your calling cards and using it to exploit it and stuff. Yeah, that's another way. That's another way. Just in one way or another, exploit it. Or you could also say Buddhism belongs to me. It's my Buddhism. Want some of my Buddhism? That could be exploitation or abuse. But any limitation you put on the teaching or the community is an abuse. It means that every time you look at anybody who's practicing, of course, we all, we think, you know, things about people. We think, that's Katie. But to, like, if I actually believe that what I think she is, is what she is, then that's a kind of abuse of her.

[86:33]

To think that what you think of people is what they are is an abuse. So if you practice Buddhism with people, you will think that there are various things. You'll think, this is a good practitioner, this is a better practitioner, this is even a better practitioner. Or you might think something else, like the opposite. Judgments? Yeah, you make judgments. But not only do you make judgments, we can't stop making judgments. But that's okay to make judgments, because if it isn't okay to make judgments, then Buddha's not okay, because Buddha makes judgments. Even an enlightened person still makes judgments, they still say, this is painful, this is pleasureful. This is a pleasant thing to see, this is a painful thing to see. They still do that, but they do not believe and attach to their judgments. Most people, of course, attach to their judgments. They think that their judgments have some reality.

[87:34]

Recently, I was kind of joking with a woman and I said, why are women so defensive and judgmental? I didn't say that. I said, why are women so defensive and self-righteous? And she said, well, because we're right. That's just the way it is. We can't help it. So actually, you know, some people say, I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but I am right. I mean, what can I say? I'm right. And that's, we often actually do think, a lot of us think actually that we're right. With that story I told you, I did not think I was right. I just said, that's the consequence I would suggest

[88:37]

That's what I want to do. That's what I want to do. That's what I want to say here now. Let's deal with that. That's where I'm at. I don't say that's right or wrong. I just say I gave her something to work with. And she did. What, Clay? You know? Was that spontaneous? I had been thinking about it for a week, that I was going to meet with her and say what I wanted and also set a consequence if it wasn't met. I had been thinking about that and discussing that with my wife for a week. Actually all summer, but a week. At a certain point, the time was set, and she actually agreed with me. But her agreement with me was not... I didn't get agreement with her in the sense of ganging up on the kid.

[89:40]

I got agreement because it gives me a little more confidence. However, at the last minute, She wasn't with me, and she was in a different place. And I said, if you feel differently about this afterwards, if you feel differently, you can go tell her that you have a different feeling. I won't feel undermined. But I want her to know that her father wants this if she doesn't do that. That's what I want. I actually want that to happen. And I think that's what I'm saying. Was it spontaneous? I would say that everything is really spontaneous. It's a question of whether you're there. If you're there, you're going to witness the spontaneity. If you're off-center, it looks like, you know, it looks like, here I am, and now I'm going to do this. Just like when you're singing. The voice actually comes spontaneously. Are you there to witness the birth of the song? Or are you a little bit back here, singing out there?

[90:44]

Out there where the song is happening is where the greatest anxiety is. Can you come up there and be right there at the surface of your voice and the other? All the way up there. Can you feel that? It's hard. Or we tend to overdo it, too. We get ahead of it. That's another way to do it. But to come right up That's what's actually happening all the time. You don't have to make the world spontaneously arise. It is already happening that way. We need to take responsibility for ourselves and be there for it. Like that TV show that was on when I was a kid. It was called You Are There. I think the moderator was Walter Cronkite. And they would reenact these historical events. Socrates taking poison and Cleopatra getting bitten by the snake, you know? So you'd be out in the hallway outside Socrates' chamber and, you know, you'd be talking to all these reporters and be saying, you know, blah, blah, blah.

[91:54]

And while he's inside there, he's going to take the poison any minute and his disciples are blah, blah, blah. And then Walter Cronkite at some point would say, and everything was just as it was except you are there. LAUGHTER So that's the way it is. Everything is always just the way it is. The question is, are you there? And in order to be there, you have to walk to the center of the universe where everything's being created, which for you happens to be right here in your upright being. And all around you is fierce flames of creation. Can I read you somebody's essay? It's not too long. This is an essay of someone who has English as a second language.

[92:58]

So this is her English essay. And the essay is interesting, but also what the teacher's response is, is also very important. So I want to use this as an example. Here's the essay. And this is really crass of me to read this essay because it has something to do with me. I'm sorry, but I'm going to do it. Here I am, stupid. Somebody's going to hate me for this. Maybe. OK, it starts out, it took me six years for that egg to hatch. Now, I'm going to tell you something. that the teacher didn't know. And now I want you to forget that I told you. And that is one of the traditional images of Zen teacher-student relationship is the student's inside the egg and the teacher's outside.

[94:01]

And they peck from both sides of the egg to break the egg. But a key thing is, and that's what I'm trying to tell you this morning too, is the teacher should not peck before the student pecks. The teacher pecks before the student pecks and breaks the egg. The student may not be mature and it'll die. But if the student pecks out, the teacher knows she's strong enough or he's strong enough to peck out, so I'll peck back. And you don't peck harder. If you peck harder, they won't have the strength. So you peck hard, just as hard as they peck. And they peck stronger, you peck stronger. They peck stronger, you peck stronger. And finally, the student's pecking hard enough and they break out. But they're ready to go. The feathers are dry. So she was using this image and she didn't tell the teacher. She just launched right off.

[94:55]

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