From my eyes, from my sense, I am impressed by your efforts yesterday and today. I feel you're going very well into yourselves. I've made suggestions to your posture and my feeling when I do it usually is I feel like I'm encouraging you into yourself. And I feel that we're much more fully inhabiting ourselves after one day. That's the way it looks to me is that I can see that you're much more into your bodies.

[01:17]

And I also understand that as we move into our body, it's quite common that we encounter difficulties. any posture that you stay in long enough, you'll start to become aware of discomfort. And at that point, we maybe feel confusion about what is the proper way to work with that. So that's where most of us are right now is having some level of engagement with our body and some difficulty and wondering what is the proper, what is the most authentic and beneficial way of dealing with this pain or pleasure.

[02:33]

And This is what I was calling last night a kind of initiation into ourselves, initiation into intimacy with ourselves through fire. And even for some of us, part of the initiation is initiation into the body that hears noise. Some of us aren't used to hearing noise in the street while we're meditating. So part of our body is our hearing. A big part during sesshin is our sense of touch, physical heat, and physical sensations in the muscles and bones, ligaments, internal organs. our sense of temperature, all this, but also hearing and seeing and smelling and tasting

[03:47]

And I started right out yesterday talking about intimacy, but I thought later that I wasn't sure if the overall program of Buddhist practice was clear, and I thought I might just briefly mention that the point of this intimacy with our own body and breath and mind The point of that intimacy is to release us from this body and breath and mind, to set us free from this self, this small self, and lead us to intimacy with all other beings. and that the original appearance of the Buddhist teaching was a response to living beings, all kinds of living beings who are suffering.

[05:38]

And we make the Bodhisattva vows to to save, to enter into intimate relationships with all living beings and save them, or be saved with them. And I proposed that the two kinds of intimacy are necessary in order to do that. And these two kinds of intimacy are called in Zen upright sitting. Today I'd like to go a little bit more into this intimacy with the self or initiation by fire.

[07:06]

The way sesshin usually works for the majority of people is that the second day is a little bit more fiery than the first day. And the third day is sometimes even more difficult. But usually the first or second, the second or third day are usually the most difficult. And then on the fourth day most people, the things start leveling off for most people. It doesn't exactly get easier or it doesn't get less painful or hot, but you learn some skills about how to handle the fire. You start to learn that running away from it doesn't work and Touching it also doesn't work. You develop this kind of subtle relationship with what's coming up for you, which continues to be very challenging, but usually you're a little bit settled into the project by the fourth day.

[08:26]

Fifth day is usually pretty much the same. And the sixth day, you start to actually often feel kind of skillful and maybe even a little liberated. And kind of maybe even think that you'd be okay if it went on longer than seven days. But the seventh day, because you know it's over, you start to get ready for it to be over. Now, this may not go exactly like this for you, but some people don't actually, some people fight it right up till the seventh or eighth day and still can't quite get into inhabiting this this body even after seven days. And some people get into it after one or even before they get here they're already accepting them... themselves.

[09:44]

So I don't mean to say this is a definite rule but some pattern like this statistically seems to be the case. I wanted to read something from the Vimalakirti Sutra. Vimalakirti was a Buddhist who lived in India, and he was sick. And even while sick, he was teaching. Even he was in the midst of his fiery body. He was intimate with his body. And even though he was suffering, he still could express freedom in the midst of his illness and be in that freedom, was able to intimately relate and help other people right while he was sick.

[10:48]

And after giving a long, wonderful Dharma talk and inspiring everyone, He concluded by saying, friends, the body of the Buddha is born from innumerable good works. Towards such a body, you should turn your aspirations. Towards such a body, you should turn your aspirations. And in order to eliminate the sickness of passions of all living beings, you should conceive the spirit of unexcelled perfect enlightenment. And the spirit of unexcelled perfect enlightenment is basically that you want everybody else, all beings in ten directions, you want them all to be free and happy.

[11:54]

And while Vimalakirti taught this kind of dharma, those who had come to inquire about his sickness and were with him at that time, it turns out that there were hundreds of thousands of living beings who came to visit him. They all conceived the spirit of unexcelled perfect enlightenment. And then Vimalakirti thought to himself, hey, I'm sick, lying on my bed in pain, and yet the Buddha, the saint, the perfectly enlightened one, does not consider me or take pity on me and sends no one to inquire after my illness. Now, the Buddha, who was out in the suburbs of where Vimalakirti lived, knew what Vimalakirti was thinking.

[12:59]

And so he turned to one of his senior disciple, the great monk, Shariputra, and said, Shariputra, please go and inquire after Vimalakirti's illness. Thus having been addressed by the Buddha, Venerable Shariputra answered the Buddha and said, Lord, I am indeed reluctant to go and ask the layman, Vimalakirti, about his illness. What is the reason for this? Because I remember one day I was out in the woods meditating at the foot of a tree, absorbed in contemplation, and Vimalakirti came to the foot of that tree, bowed to my feet to express his reverence to me, and then said, Venerable Shariputra, this is not the way to absorb yourself in contemplation.

[14:21]

You should absorb yourself in contemplation in such a way that neither your body nor your mind appear in the world. You should absorb yourself in contemplation in such a way that you can manifest all ordinary behavior without forsaking contemplation of cessation. You should absorb yourself in contemplation in such a way that you can manifest the nature of an ordinary person without abandoning your cultivated spiritual nature. You should absorb yourself in contemplation so that mind neither settles within nor moves without towards external forms. you should absorb yourself in contemplation in such a way that the various aids of enlightenment are manifest without deviation towards any convictions.

[15:34]

You should absorb yourself in contemplation in such a way that you are released in liberation without abandoning the passions that are the province of the world. Venerable Shariputra, Those who absorb themselves in contemplation in such a way are declared by the Buddha to be truly absorbed in meditation, truly practicing upright sitting. Pariputra said, Lord, when I heard this teaching, I was unable to reply and remain silent. Therefore, I am reluctant to go ask that good man about his sickness." The Buddha then went on to ask the next great disciple, who also was reluctant to go because he also had run into Vimalakirti when he was doing some other practice.

[16:47]

What does it mean to contemplate in such a way that your body and mind do not appear in the world? What does it mean to manifest all ordinary behaviors and yet not abandon contemplation of cessation? What does that mean? that I'd like to talk about. When you are sitting, and if you can inhabit this body, feel this body, And if you can make your hands into this mudra soft and gentle ellipse with your hands and place this ellipse against your abdomen and holding your arms a little bit away from your body so that I find if I pull my arms away from my body one of the

[18:45]

Guidelines I use is I pull my arms away from my body, and as I pull my arms away from my body, it tends to make my hands go like this. So this side of my baby fingers comes in contact with my abdomen. So with the outside of my baby fingers touching my abdomen in this way, my arms away from my body, here I am sitting. What does it mean now? for this body and this mind not to appear in the world. What's the world? The world is, you might say, the self. the self that lives in the realm of before and after.

[19:50]

The world is the realm of before and after. You know that place of before and after? That's the world. The world is a place of inside and outside. It's the place of self and other. And I would also say it's the place of not being intimate. Not being intimate with self or other. That's the world. So how do we sit in such a way that our body and mind do not appear in the world? How do we do it?

[20:55]

Intimacy. Intimacy with what? Intimacy with the world. Intimacy with the self which is the self of before and after. And as you approach intimacy with the self which is the self of before and after, As you approach intimacy with the self, which is the self of inside and outside, you will run into various phenomena like pain, fear, confusion, darkness,

[22:13]

uncertainty, doubt, sleepiness, excitation, you name it. You may run into anything and a good share of it will not be encouraging in itself. You might even think you're going in the wrong direction. Question to check is, Are you moving? If you're moving, probably you are going with the flow of all this stuff and pretty soon you won't

[23:18]

you might not be noticed that you're afraid and pain and so on anymore. If you sit still, this stuff will keep appearing to you probably. But you'll sense that you're getting gradually more and more still. You'll sense gradually more and more intimacy the world of before and after. You'll sense that you're becoming at one with yourself. This kind of sitting still is atonement. You will become aware of any and all, well maybe I shouldn't say all, it will take a long time to become aware of all neurotic tendencies.

[24:35]

But you will start to become aware of neurotic tendencies that will usually be painful. You're not turning your direction of your gaze towards neurotic tendencies. You're just actually completely mindful of your body. You're just... mindful of your body. For example, if you're in this meditation hall, you're just aware of your spine. You're just aware of this hand mudra in this shape against your abdomen. And you're aware of how your arms are being held. You're not looking for pain.

[25:41]

You're not looking for happiness. You're not looking for neurosis. You're not looking for psychosis. You're not looking for hate. You're not looking for confusion. You're not looking for love. You're not looking for anything. You're just simply admitting what's happening. All you're doing is being mindful of what's happening. You're not turning flames at yourself to burn yourself, but they're coming up all around you. They're nipping at you. Nip, nip. You're not touching the flames and you're not running away from the flames.

[26:43]

You're not grabbing the pain and you're not denying the pain. What are you doing? You're sitting there, mindful of your body and breath. You're trusting everything to the breathing body. And the more you completely trust this breathing body, the more you just trust this body of breathing, which is the body of before and after. When you completely trust it, the flames no longer reach you. And you are free of these flames, you are free of these fears, you are free of this confusion, and you are free of before and after. When you are completely dedicated to this body and this mudra against your abdomen and you're not doing one other thing, when there is no remaining effort, no running away, no running towards, just being here, your body and mind do not appear in the world.

[28:14]

you are no longer in the world. And yet, you have a body and a mind. And the body-mind you have is a worldly body and mind, which breathes in and out, just like everybody else's. And your mind still has before and after, and you're a completely ordinary, worldly being. But because of upright sitting, your body and mind simultaneously do not appear in the world. Part of you is not going anyplace. This is initiation by fire. The fire tells you When you're moving, if you flinch, if you doubt that what you should be paying attention to is what's happening, well, you'll get burned.

[29:24]

The fire tells you when you're going straight. If you run away from it, it will tell you by freezing you. If you run at it, it will tell you by burning you. The flames will guide you to the place of peace. and safety in the middle of whatever you want to call the world. Sometimes it's called hell. Sometimes it's called heaven. But if you sit still, it's always got a problem. But if you keep sitting still, you will realize the self which is free of all of this. You will realize the self which is the self of the body and mind dropped off.

[30:32]

If we hold back, which most of us start out doing in the beginning of session, if we hold back, and do not want to be here, if you hold back a little bit, that little bit can be a big pain. If you hold back a lot, you can be holding back so much you don't even notice you're suffering. But as you hold back less and less, you'll be realized how much you were suffering, but you didn't even notice it. And in the process, of learning how to sit still, there's a great deal of gentleness and softness that is necessary. You can't just barge your way into your body. You have to subtly find out how to be there and be still. And sometimes you have to rest. So, if I'm holding my hands like this, this mudra against my body, and my arms start getting really tense,

[31:41]

the thing to do sometimes is to rest. Yesterday afternoon, I started to have some problems with my arms and I gave up holding them like this and rested. I'm not saying that was right. I'm just saying I did it. But I don't feel too bad about doing it because after I rested for a while, I went back and did it some more. I resumed my wonderful cosmic mudra again. I'm talking about initiation by fire. I'm talking about how to get to the center of your life to the peaceful place where all the Buddhas are sitting. I'm talking about how to enter.

[32:46]

How to enter by stillness and intimacy with what's happening. But I also want to remind you that I'm going to later talk about another initiation into another kind of intimacy. I'm going to later talk about initiation by water. into intimacy not with self but with other. The complete story is not just to enter this place where all Buddhas live, to enter this temple in the middle of flames where they're all sitting right now with us, but also how to come forth from this place and embrace all beings. without leaving that place. So again, when I sit in this way, I am assailed and I am hassled by basically, well, just an infinite number of things hassle me.

[34:03]

I don't have exactly the same demons as you. You have your own army of demons. Each of us is assailed by different things. Some of us are annoyed by the sound of that truck. Some of us are not. See, now we're entertained by it. You never know. Usually at Tassajara, I'm annoyed by blue jays squawking all the time, attacking my bag lunch. beating up on the little birds in the valley. But one time I walked out of the meditation hall on a cold winter day and there was a blue jay sitting right above the shoe rack. And I looked at it and I saw a friend, puffed up, trying to stay warm in the cold weather. I realized that whoever that was deserved to be in the valley as much as I did. Next day I hated blue jays again, but at that time,

[35:08]

Unexpectedly, I felt close. You never know when you will be able to embrace lovingly that which is annoying you now. But there's a way to sit and take care of what's happening such that these things do not reach, such that nothing reaches Not just hassles, also pleasant things. Nothing reaches. You're not in the world anymore because you are so intimate with the world. Because you're willing to be a worldly person, because you're willing to inhabit your body and breath, your body and breath is no longer your enemy. And also nobody else's either. Trusting everything to this inhaling and exhaling.

[36:23]

Trusting everything to this limited self. We will forget this self. We will be released from this self. And then this self and everything else in the world that may sometimes and may other times attack us, annoy us, all these things will wake us up. Once we forget this self, everything will wake us up. Everything will set us free. But the first step is we have to study the self, which means we have to be intimate with it. I'm not sure, maybe you can forget the self a little if you study yourself a little. And if you forget the self a little, maybe you can be enlightened a little. But I would suggest during this week anyway that you don't worry about that too much. Don't worry about accepting yourself a little, becoming a little intimate with yourself.

[37:34]

and getting a little bit of forgetfulness from yourself and getting a little bit awake, why don't you turn your aspiration towards the body of the greatly, perfectly enlightened one? Why don't you give rise to the spirit of unexcelled, perfect enlightenment? How about it? Just for the next few days, go for the absolute top thing possible that you ever heard of. Complete, perfect enlightenment. In that case, accepting yourself a little will not do. Becoming somewhat close to yourself and somewhat intimate with yourself won't work. And a little bit of an enlightenment won't work. How about going for and seeing if today, as a matter of fact right now, try to completely accept yourself.

[38:36]

To completely accept this body that you have, this breath. Get completely, unreservedly intimate with your body and breath, with your breathing body. Try out complete dedication, complete devotion to what's happening. Go for completely forgetting yourself and for being awakened by everything, rather than just by some things. Being awakened by some things is great, though, like being awakened by that blue jay was wonderful. But when I'm talking about being awakened by all blue jays, the key, you don't have to worry about what will wake you up. The part that we have to worry about is accepting our state. And this hand mudra is really helpful.

[39:38]

You know, when I was resting, it was nice. It was, I think, anyway, all right. I wasn't totally checked out. I think it was good that I did it. And then I put it back. And I also noticed the difference between when my arms are against my body and when I pull them out. You can check it out too. See the level of intimacy you have in these different ways. Like for me, having my arms against my body like this and then not having my hand really touch my abdomen in a real cozy, intimate way, I feel a certain amount of intimacy with my life. And then when I go like this, I just feel like, I just feel like the door closes, just goes, it just fits, you know, it like fits. It's like there I am, I'm actually there. See if you can tell the difference between being, you know, 20%, 30%, 40%, 60%, 70% with yourself, and when you're like 80, 90, 100% there.

[40:42]

I think it's actually, you know, I think it's possible to be 100% there because I think it's me that takes away the few percentages and puts them someplace else. It's not some great miracle, well it is a miracle, but it's close at hand, this complete dedication to where you are. It's real close, it's actually where you already are. All you have to do is give up everything else. In other words, give up the world. Give up alternatives to what's happening and work with this, which happens to be a body that's breathing. If we can do this, then we can have the next initiation by water, which joins us into this active working with the entire universe.

[42:12]

We have to do this difficult work first, now. Second day of Sashin. It's a great opportunity. You people can do something fabulous today and tomorrow. But I know it's not easy. I know it's not easy. I'm not having easy time either. My problems are different from your problems. But I got problems. Like yesterday, during lunch, I loved brown rice. And I loved that brown rice too. But then at a certain point during my ecstasy, I heard this crunch. And it wasn't a stone, it was... It was somebody's tooth, see it? There it is. My little tooth came off. Luckily it was mine. I'm so happy it was mine, not yours.

[43:15]

So that happened. That's not a big horrible problem. That was just what was happening at that time. Just at that moment. I'm okay. Then I had to get into another problem, making an appointment with the dentist. So I won't be with you at lunch today because I'll be at the dentist's office. Please excuse me for not having lunch with you today. You know where I'll be. Just picture me there, sprawled out there. I'll be reading the Vimalakirti Sutra. I don't know if you'll let me. Anyway, I'll be in the dentist's office while you're having lunch. And also, you know, this initiation by fire, one way to put it is you see what needs to be done, and you do it. Sometimes that's what we have to do.

[44:27]

We have to see what needs to be done and do it. And there's fire around that because if something needs to be done and you don't do it, there's a fire there that says you didn't do it. And again, the fire will burn you for not doing it or it'll freeze you out for not doing it. You'll feel overheated or left out if you don't do what you see needs to be done. And every moment, I suggest, every moment, we all see, on some level, we all see what needs to be done. You all know you have to be in your body. You know that needs to be done. To see that and to do it is what we're talking about here. But it's not easy. I don't say it's easy. Like in the men's bathroom yesterday, I was washing my hands. And I was washing my hands in the sink, and the water wasn't going down the sink. So I looked. And gradually, I noticed, as the water went down a little bit more, I noticed that the sink had all kinds of stuff in the place where the water's supposed to go down.

[45:36]

It's called the drain, right? There was some stuff in there. It looked like hair. And some other kind of gooey, yucky, frothy, mucky, dark stuff. Now, as you know, it wasn't my hair. And it was also dark hair. And then I looked more closely and I saw all those little flecks of hair also around, as the water receded, it was all around the sink to all this hair and soap and slime. And the first thing I thought of is I wished whoever did that would take care of it. But they weren't there. I was alone. I didn't want to stick my fingers down in there in somebody else's yuck and clean that out. I didn't want to and I didn't. Hoping that somebody would come and clean it out during Soji.

[46:38]

But today I went back after Soji and it was still there. So this time, I saw what needed to be done. Excuse me for bragging. I saw what needed to be done. I stuck my poor little hand, my poor little fingers down in that gook and pulled it up, and pulled it up. And even I couldn't get with my hands, so I went and found a little sharp pointed tool over in the utility area of the men's bathroom and stuck it in there and started pulling some more up. And I got some real interesting stuff out of there. Now, it was not that pleasant, but it needed to be done. Initiation by darkness, initiation by pain, initiation by confusion.

[47:42]

In other words, initiation by what's happening. If you just devote yourself to this body, just stay with this body, this pulsating, throbbing, breathing body, you just stay there. You don't have to go after anything. Stuff will be given to you to deal with. You don't have to do anything with it. All you got to do is sit there and inhabit this body and you'll learn that that sitting body knows how to handle this stuff. Still, there's another initiation, which is initiation by water, which makes the whole thing complete. And I don't know if I mentioned this to you, but about a week ago I was talking to a man, and he told me, he gave me an interesting definition of original sin. Original sin as...

[48:46]

a lack or incapacity to trust the other. Did I tell you that yesterday? No. Original sin. The original sin, the original fault, the original mistake is when we stop trusting the rest of the universe. That's related to the original sin. Another way to put it is that we think we're separate from everything else. But actually, The way we're built is we can't help but think we're separate from everything else. The problem is when we don't trust what our mind has created. Our mind has created a universe, we don't trust it. We lack trust or we don't have the capacity to trust everything. As a result of that habit, of that error, we then finally didn't even trust ourselves. So first of all, We broke away from the rest of the universe and then we stopped trusting it.

[49:49]

And then we broke away from ourselves and stopped trusting ourselves. So we have double alienation. We have double alienation, therefore we have double reinitiation. First initiation is by fire, back with ourselves, back with our own body to learn how to deal with this Wonderful thing. Next initiation will be by water to learn how to rejoin and re-inhabit the lives of all living beings. The first two days of Sashim, you're going to do it. I'm giving these talks, but you're going to do it even though I didn't... If I didn't give you any talks, you still would do it. You're already doing it. I'm not talking about something you're not already doing. You are now... inhabiting your bodies. I told you that. You're doing great. What I'm doing today is saying, go all the way.

[50:50]

Please, for the benefit of all beings, find complete settling, complete mindfulness, complete trusting your breathing body. Just keep going the way you're going and go all the way. And when you find resistance to it and you think there's something else to do with your life, just put it aside and keep going with this. Be with this. Do what you're doing more and more. And I'll try to. This is what needs to be done. I hope you can see it and I hope you do it. You're already doing it, just a question of intimacy, of closing that gap which is created by our minds. So that story I told you at the beginning, our ancestor says to another one of our ancestors,

[52:09]

What is the busyness under the robe, under the patch robe? And the student said nothing, and the teacher said, Busyness under this robe is that to be studying the Buddha way, to be turning our aspirations towards the body of Buddha, to be wanting to help all beings, and still not reach this realm, this realm of upright sitting, this realm of stillness, to not reach this realm of stillness, that's the most painful thing for a person who's trying to benefit all beings. And it's good that it's painful, because if it wasn't, we wouldn't close the gap. If you close the gap, the pain will go away.

[53:17]

And then you can really go to work. And the monk says, the teacher says, now you ask me. And the student said, what is the busyness underneath the patch robe? And the teacher said, intimacy. Intimacy. And I like that one translation is just intimacy. You can translate, when you say a word twice, it makes it emphatic. Intimacy, intimacy. But in other ways, there's two kinds of intimacy. But again, I say, we can't be intimate with other people if we can't accept ourselves. If we can't accept ourselves, if we can't accept ourselves, then we have a good chance to meet another.

[54:24]

Some people who don't accept themselves, given that they don't accept themselves, some people are really good at working with other people. I'm not being sarcastic. There are some people who don't accept themselves very much, very well, who accept themselves only a little. But their willingness to relate to other people and to help other people is incredible under the circumstances that they don't accept themselves. However, I'm saying that they will not be able to be completely effective at helping other people because they don't accept themselves. Their main encumbrance in working to help other people is that they have not yet checked in completely to their own hotel. If they would do that, their heart is definitely in the right place.

[55:35]

And then they can really help people, which they've been trying to do, but always stumbling because they don't take care of themselves. Some other people are almost no good at all helping other people, almost have no intimacy with anybody, and they also don't accept themselves. But some people do really well under the hindrance of not accepting themselves. I'm really amazed. I've met people like that. Their compassion is so strong. Their wanting to help other beings is so strong and their wanting to help themselves is so strong that they can still somewhat be helpful. If they would just take a step backwards and be with themselves, all the hindrances would be removed and they would be incredibly effective beings in this world.

[56:41]

But it's hard, icky work. So I understand if you're resisting. Seems like there's something else to do. Something more attractive. And as far as aspirations go, Vicki kindly helped us by typing out some verses that one can do before washing the face, brushing the teeth, using the toilet, and so on. And if you'd like to, we said no reading during Sashin, but you can read this. If you'd like to have these verses so you can do these, make these aspirations before you do these cleansing activities, you can get them from Tayo.

[57:57]

Okay? You pass them out to people? So you just go to Tayo and he'll give you one. Do you want to do it that way? Oh, they're on the sideboard in the dining room? Okay, so you can just pick them up there if you want them. And you can make up your own too. It's okay. When you're cleaning toilets or when you're pulling gook out of drains, you can say, now as I pull this slime out of the drain, I vow with all sentient beings to meet myself completely even though it's dirty work. now as i etc etc make up your own things talk to yourself encourage yourself to be with yourself with all sentient beings

[58:53]

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