is buying alignment or we can go through the door into liberation
so once are the jars awakening he has decided the door is delusion and were at the door and we can go through the door of liberation
but what i'm suggesting now is more like we're at the threshold where liberation and bondage meet
and will we can live at that at the doorway at that threshold
every step is that the threshold where delusion and awakening meet
and that the conversation between delusion and awakening had this threshold
that's where there is a true understanding
have reality
tonight i'd like to
to say live bit more about life at the threshold her life at the doorway
another part of the door waiting open if that we can see boss we eventually could see both sides and they could see them in relationship with each other

and there's many there's many two worlds there's many worlds better in a dualistic relationship or apparently dualistic relationship with each other
neither one would be
i'm the relationship between
i'm sense organs
and
sense objects or sense fields
so we're living out a threshold where
since object sense organs
and the field of those sense organ meats we live at that
that
engagement
but where we live and in early early buddhism the the buddha taught early on that when a sense organ
plays with interacts with a sense field that interaction gives rise to
consciousness
or you could say
a experience

for for example when the i organ interacts with the field of electromagnetic radiation of a certain wavelength that interaction gives rise to
what we call we we name we named the awareness after the oregon is called i consciousness and i consciousness is aware of for example colors
the awareness of a color
is said to arise from the meeting of the i organ and the eyes of the field of i
the field of the i the field of colors
and again that's the way usually series at the awareness the experience arises from this engagement from this conversation between the high organ and field the visual field
but i think it's worthy of contemplation to say rather than the organ or rises from the interaction that the that the awareness arises from the interaction as though it's afterwards to say the awareness cola rises with the
interaction
the awareness of colors coa rises with
physical
wave electromagnetic waves interacting with
living tissue
and the same with the sense of hearing the hearing organ and sounds
the experience of sounds arises and so on with all the other
touch and tangibles gives rise to a but a sensation of body sensation tactile sensation a experience of skin oregon
and then with mind
mind objects like ideas
feelings judgments opinions fear confusion greed hatred
and so on faith lack of faith shame lack of shame all those mental phenomena
those are the objects of the mind oregon and when they are in interacting we have an the arising of an experience
and this i'm suggesting that this interaction is occurring right now with all of us
at the threshold a this experience or we're having right now is occurring at the threshold where these two kinds of materiality meet
or two kinds of mentality meet like were mind organ meats mind object so when these feels meet at the threshold that's an experience and that's the early buddhism
then in the mahayana
and for some people who are in so-called zam lineages they scribed to this teaching is that
when the
i organ meats the i object
that is actually the whole universe
hmm in the form or in the particular case
of the i organ meeting the whole universe
in the form of
a color
our experience
of color
are aware our awareness of color is actually the whole universe meeting the whole universe
giving rise to the whole universe
as the experience of color
this teaching ah
was inspired by the lotus sutra
the teaching which includes the earlier
revelation that awareness arises when
oregon's and objects made
on when subject and object meet the that is the arising of an experience now we're saying that when when the universe has a subject meets the universe as an object we give rise to the universe

neither way to say this is
we live at the threshold where our body
is in conversation with other bodies
where my body is a conversation with your body
and the meeting
conversation
of my body with your body
is
experience
you could say in this particular case bodily experiences
will we ever him
obverse
which is a done when bowing and one line of the vs my body other body not to
so if i bow to you like i do tonight
this body the other body or not to
because
experience is
the experience is
of my body meeting your body that's the experience the two sides of the experienced can never be separated just my body cannot be experienced is my body in relationship to other bodies that is experience is not that my body
in relationship to other bodies can be experienced it's that that is experience

ah
another point of review is that this is another way to talk about
only a buddha
together with buddha

and also i emphasize earlier that
this only a buddha together with the buddha
that the only buddhist side
i'll let me just say this way that this only a buddha together with the buddha is what the lotus sutra says that's the situation for understanding reality and that only a buddha together with do it could be put together with the sand teaching which is wholehearted sitting
and going to meet with another those two together
our only a buddha
together with a buddha
and then i talk and then the practice of receiving
and remembering
and practicing stillness and silence
is a practice of realizing only a buddha
it's do you know if it's your part is huge you're doing your job
of being on a solitary buddha when you remember silence and stillness and practice it
and i also think i mentioned that confession and repentance tell me if i'd i'd heard to remember how much i set it in this venue in this assembly
but practicing confession and repentance is a way to settle into
silence and stillness
it's a way to settle into being a solitary buddha

once we had settled into being ourselves
then we can meet another
our sense organs and normally do settle into being themselves
and i've heard that sense organs only operate when they're resting
so sense organs when they're when they're on the operate
and then they function but they they're activated when they're at rest
once they're activated they cannot be activated again until they rest

i remember in college i read an article in scientific american
about these i get there a physicist
but they are physicists or engineers and they designed this device that character could sit on top of a of am
a contact lens
so we have many many people now wear contact lenses and if this these this physicist or engineer designed a device quit which could be set on top of the contact lands so that when the i moved
what was his me was a device it was a it was it was a light
it was a is a cat not a camera buddha a like on top a small tiny light on installed and top of a have a contact lens so it could shine a light on the retina at the same spot so that when the red moved the light would not move with point the same spot
and if you point light at the same spot on a retina which you usually can't because the eyeballs moving all the time
but if you shine the light on the same spot in the retina it activates it but then it doesn't go on again until you move the light off the spot
so in fact it is the nature of our organic being of our organs that went on our organs are addressed they can be activated they can be engaged you can have conversations with them but then they have to rest again in order to be reactivated
so remembering stylish silence and stillness that is a weight is tight stay in touch or to read here to reengage
to really encounter experience
once again as the threshold where the true meat
by remembering silence and stillness
with reengage with having secrets told to us we re-engage with the arising of experience
re-engage with creation
now it goes on any way but if we forget the silence and stillness we miss it

what ah that i think it's a lot or and
if you have any questions or comments you like to make i'm i'm ready

hello
hello
i'm when i when i watch your face a lot i have kind of a paranormal experience i have seen like i've seen you i've seen faces move through your face a lot i've seen lights flicker through your face and like once you
we're moving a glass and i saw trail of like light golf from the glass down and i guess i want some way to understand
and i don't guess everybody sees it this way and so i don't think i'm crazy but what do you make a that what what is that how does that fit in all this while here's a theory on a theory i'd love my theory
ah in the theory is partly regenerated by data here's the data many people tell me what you just told me
so either many people are crazy with you or maybe none of you are crazy and made me what you're talking about is that i think's was sump when people look at me
i think they actually why thing when people look at me the theory is that when they look at me they remember
silence and stillness for you know eat whether they've heard me say it or not
they remember silence and stillness and when you read remember silence and stillness unusual things
are allowed to happen
sounds his children as allows a lot of stuff to happen
it allows the breathes of dawn to arise so the theory is that when you're looking at me and also when you're listening to me you're remembering whether conscious or not you're receiving and remembering stillness and so you in in stillness
your body and mind let unusual things happen for example people see if he meets the people see me as a baby as little baby a healy and when i was younger i used to see me as an old man
and now people see me i think it's a super old man
they'll see me as a baby sometimes
and yeah these people see me in a lot of different ways and they tell me that they're surprised
how different ice and they see me changing in it you know in one meeting they see me changing two different things during the meeting and i that that's one theory is that people when they're with me they they're actually not running around in circles jumping up and down there choir
but and still or even if they're not even if they're talking or moving a little bit they're remembering that's my theory to do you think that's closer to seeing reality or getting he has in reality to see that i'm not a fixed thing yes i because i'm not to see the permanence of me
but also to see the impermanence of the way you see me
because you in or even i don't i don't stay the same but some people try to you know they won't let they want me to be the same
so like children often ah they they look at their parents but they they cannot tolerate their parents changing much so they they're the and those reasons for that so they they're and they're very active and noisy and they want to keep their mommy and daddy being the exactly the same purse
in all the time
so in a way they don't let their parents change much in their own view so it's a combination of i'm changing which is reality but also the way you see me as changing too
and when you're relaxed
and and harmonious and remembering silence and stillness you get to caesar i'm changing but rasa get to see you see me different ways
q
you're welcome

hello a good evening key
ah i wanted to ask you about with that description of experience
is a sense oregon since object experience it seems to me that when experience happens that way i sense of self arises a war with it
i'm in a long normally when human consciousness arises and it can arise in a moment of awareness of a color usually human consciousness has a sense of self arising in it yes is that inevitable
i think i think i would say basically it's inevitable yup
not to go into more detail i will in a minute but for the time being
the sense of self arises with consciousness
and this teaching about how consciousness arises
namely it doesn't awry conscious doesn't make it itself
and the self that's in consciousness doesn't make the consciousness
the consciousness doesn't arise by the self and the conscience making the consciousness
the consciousness which has a self in it arises because of the interaction of
set cent of of subject and object that interaction gives rise to it so
it is with this with the sense of self in it it often arises with various delusions
along with the sense of self for example
there's a sense of self and there's as a delusion that the self is in control of various things that are going on in the consciousness
like the sat there could visit the the sense of self and there can be a delusion that the self made the color com or the self made the consciousness a of color arise or that the self is in control of the various intentions and karmic active
cities of the consciousness but those are deluded afflictions and they arise with the self
we study of this situation which i'm doing with your right now
it is possible that we will no longer be fooled by these delusions that we have a cup that we can have experience in which there's a sense of self and we and in which their delusions about the self for example there can be the delusion that the self
he's in control of what's going on and consciousness and even while that delusions there we can learn that it is just an illusion it's not true
but there is that thought
like guy and an hour or
we're just came to my mind was them
my grandson used to come out to greenguard to visit and when he was little boy and there was it area of gringo should have lots of have lots of toys in it
and he told me once that those toys were his
like them what the first time he came into gringotts you told me those toys for his he told me he came some time in the past and put those toys there
i actually think that way in our than that you know we think that watch an r consciousness we wish we ourselves put that stuff in there but it's not true
however if you if you study your consciousness you can see you can see it was surely that is but kept a steady it
what then the thing that comes up for me is that in the illusion that that self for will persist even though the experience subsides the the experienced that the the a moment of experience
one at one of the delusions in a moment of experience is that dissolve will continue yeah that's accidental a little that's an illusion the self doesn't continue however the self does arise again in the next moment of experience so if if i now in my car on
don't think that probably in the next consciousness so will be yourself that's that probably will be verified in the next consciousness however
i do not have to get rid of this sense of self in order to be free of believing that myself is in control of what i'm thinking
as is not what i'm thinking
when
when subject and object come together when object and oregon come together either might either meant physical odd when physical sense and physical objects mental sense and mental object come together there is an arising of consciousness it has a sense of self
often it
it has delusions in it
and and but the self is not in control of any of that however there is the afflicted thought that the self isn't control and by listening to the teaching and contemplating consciousness you can see that that is simply an erroneous idea and you can let it be
there you don't have to get rid of it may affect is useful because you can have it any consciousness and you can be talking to other people who have it in their consciousness and your understanding that is not true you can help them caesar's not true in their consciousness either
so they have the same delusion but they'd put their the same illusion but they believe it therefore it's a delusion but you can walk with them and you can point out to them how to look in their consciousness and find out that those are not true
so it's useful it's a skillful device to have these afflictions in your consciousness
all these afflictions are are actually skillful means that you can use to teach other people have these afflictions how to deal with them
and become free of them without getting rid of them
it's like an egyptian who maybe when when she first saw the magic trick was fooled by it then she became an apprentice of the magician and she learned how these illusions were created and she continues to see them created but she knows that they're just a trick and she can teach other people to see
that they're just a trick
another quake at a time when there's no more consciousness because consciousness has been completely transformed into wisdom and then there's no consciousness anymore they're just radiant wisdom so there is that stage of development but prior to the
that stage where we don't even have consciousness anymore
where's there's just wisdom with to eliminate all all of their consciousnesses
prior to that we can be free of a these these afflictions
by studying them which which were doing right now in this conversation
thank you robin

sean
grab
would you be able to share a couple examples of when suzuki roshi helped you to remember a stillness and silence
well first of all ah let me use an example where cigarettes you helped me realize that i'd forgotten stillness and silence
okay
so i am not many have you heard the story before i went to zen center partly to find a zen teacher i wanted to study zen and i met him and i quickly accepted him as a gym teacher and i had a great opportunity to spend time with him and i start up
my life so that i would be available if he ever would was willing to spend time with me
and so he noticed that i was there all the time so he did offer me chances to be with him
and then sometimes when he gave me a chance to be with him
which is what i really wanted right
i mean i raised my life so that i could be with him and then he offered me the chance to be with him and then i wanted to get away from him because it was so wonderful to be with him
so he showed me he showed me him you know in a way he showed me an embarrassing thing about myself how i was having trouble just being there with him
and another example of where he showed me how i i
how i wasn't able to be silent and still with him was what we went to do a session in portland oregon
and on the way back
our on again during the session he
he became very sick and we found out later that he was having a gallbladder attack and he was in tremendous pain and then we went back to san francisco on the plane together and i was seated next to him and i know and he showed me he and his pain showed me
how i was really having a hard time sitting in my seat
next to my teacher and i knew i should be sitting next to my teacher and should be there for my teacher but i was noticing that part of me was trying to get away from my seat and go to hawaii
so he showed me in those two cases
and others
what he showed me was my lack of
accepting the opportunity to be silent and still
so one way to teach somebody something has to show them that don't know how to do it
but it mike and when he showed me that i knew that what i wasn't doing i knew i knew what i wanted to do i wanted to be there
silent and still with him
i was doing the silent partner okay
ill and he showed me that i wasn't and by showing me that he wasn't he helped me
remember what i wanted to be namely sitting completely next to him
so yeah so he he he showed me by showing me how i wasn't and but and in a way that i could accept that i wasn't and by accepting that i wasn't i was

and i don't usually tell this part of the story but i think i eventually did settle into my seat next to him i think i did stop trying to run away
and it's not a very long trip from portland to san francisco but i think by the time we got back i was kind of like there with him
but he he helped me find my place next to him
by first of all showing me that i'm having trouble finding my place next to him
which is a normal not usually when you teach somebody something they start off not knowing how to do it
so he taught me about how to accept and remember such stillness
by showing me where i lacked in that practice and by accepting his teaching i settled into the practice
okay

good evening there that evening gayatri
so good to be here again with you and the rest of the assembly
so there were many things that are that you said and other southern leading up to bisque
i'm not question i just wanted to share something that is interesting and kind of related to some of the things we've been talking about here
on the second night out of the lotus sutra intensive when he did the three week intensive on the second night i had this dream of you
and ah it was a very interesting dream so i was in what was supposed to be your office with somebody else and know somebody else in the dream
why i don't know who it was but there was two of us in your office and you weren't there and then you walked in and you didn't look like you so this is about the changing forms in who if we're talking about but i knew it was you in my dream you look you you were black man i mean you are african american kind of and you but if you were bald but you had a little bit of
hair the and i mean so you didn't look like you but i knew in my dream that it was you
and i'm so you are so i greeted you and then you said have you been here before and i said no and i was kind of feeling a little confused and like i wanted to get out of there like just like you and says a her shipment way like you i didn't want to really be there i wanted to kind of leave and then you lifted media
said well why not you know the door is always been open and i'm irritated and so and then and then and then you said sit and you pointed to his chair and you said sit and that was the end of the dream but the next morning when i was doing my practice i mean the
your words and he was so it was so real the dream was so vivid your words were so like the way you said sit was so ah form and yet kind and it kind of rang in my mind throughout my meditation practice you know this
kind of like in every time i go somewhere second is set in a to sit sit notice peace in silence and stillness you know that it was a very interesting dream i just wanted to share that because it was because there was the door you know the thing of a door coming into a door convincing well it's always been open why did why not why didn't you come before
who is like it was it was that canavan it was the other a beautiful dream and i've been kind of i'm contemplating at a little bit since that and along yeah thank you yeah you said it was interesting but i think your second comment was more to the point was beautiful night a awful dream yeah
and when i was a young priest i used to tell people to sit ah
but then i stopped
not i'm much happier that you find that message in your own mind yeah but you know that i can help you that my life can help you hear that in your own mind that if you want
happened and that you can say it to yourself or that in a in a kind settled way yeah that's wonderful
sencha it when you said that said i didn't feel any coercion now book
what i felt goosebumps haha it was so it was so moving to hear that sit sit here is very beautiful
and there's one other thought i just want to share before i sent by
the the the what you're talking about today about the sense organs am meeting sense objects and and the self arising goku arising along with their or with the sense and the sense objects and there's a very beautiful were verse or by
composed by narayana guru who was a a saint who lived in there are in the nineteenth century and early twentieth century and that he and the worst goes like this it says a in and beyond
the knowledge or awareness that shines at once within and without the nor
is the courtroom and hit this award a it's not it it's not translated as sisters cuddle
two that with the five senses withheld prostrate again and again with devotion and chant
and so what you said kind of reminded me of that worse in and beyond the knowledge which shines at once within and without the nor
two to that is the cuddle and he calls it the cuddle it could call it but the nature
i
of
sorry good stuff here good stuff and to that with the five senses with have prostrate again and again with devotion and chant so any right it just came to me i wanted to shed
and that's similar to them to the bollinger can't that i said earlier for her so when buying to the buddha we have sandwich says
this nature
on one one bowing the one was bawling the one who's bowed to their nature no nature
hmm this body the other body the one i'm bawling to not to
or bowing to not so much to the other were bowing to the other but really were bowing to the not to have the power and about to
with plunge into that space
of the
non separation
bowing and about to
yeah
thank you and her
the new born in india yes i was born in india so are you indian are you an indian person i i am i identify as indian i'm an american citizen now i came here for my graduate studies in now so i've been here for twenty five some odd years in the u s so
ah so you're indian and i just thought of a sanskrit word up been mentioned earlier
sanskrit word is iota know
and buddha use that term which we translate into english as door of a rival i ought to know translators door of a rival or door of rising
and the interest and buddha taught twelve of them
and the twelve i often as are
hi oregon
field of visual field your oregon auditory field knows organ sent a nose and so on their the five sense organs and the five cents objects and then mind org and mind objects that makes twelve and they're called i
latinas which means doors of a rival or doors of arising
and in the heart sutra it says
no eyes ears nose tongue body my end no colors sounds smells touch tastes or mind objects so in the heart sutra says it goes through it says in emptiness there are none of these these doors of arrival aren't there
in emptiness these two the these to these things were were consciousness arises they aren't there so this interaction or or occurs
but the things it is the things interacting have no substantial existence because again there's no sense organ without sent object if there's a sense organ isn't a sense organ and tells touched
and when sense organ and sense object or touched we have a sense consciousness
no sense consciousness separate from sense organ touching sense objects so none of these elements in his arising out of them have any substantial independent existence and therefore empty and and therefore her and therefore they're empty and an emptiness we don't have them
beautiful yeah i'm very beautiful yeah i'm part of the on a while i was a while i was also in in the intensive the lotus sutra intensive and i learned how to sing that i was also meditating on the heart sutra up and and the way i
was doing it was i learned how to sing it in sanskrit the whole etc
and it was very beautiful way to meditate on it to to sing it an anda at you know in in sanskrit which i copied from somebody else was on youtube or something and then so it was very beautiful way to meditate on the time had a little bit of a heart suits are going and then the lotus sutra going at the same time it was my season for buddhism
a not future was kind of born from not from the project by nature and a many people i think would love to learn how to check the heart sutra in sanskrit though we haven't quite got there yet and in the last maybe and time in the future
yeah it's very beautiful thank you thank you

i read hello may should i say mayor mais you
make is okay
may it's okay
wow am while i don't know
so great to meet everyone and i feel like somehow i was a in january intensive right now i feel like i'm you know i mean a dream
which is i met i mean the butterflies dream or butterflies is dreaming me i have no idea for her
badges now this is the third okay back and back and not the third night and i already play pressure your your prayer for for for silent and and stillness
i think why why contemplate it like to message to feel like i feel like to your your prayers just like a rain in our your you're your your your your your moisture our our store conscious you know kinda like making that you have the time i rang and i i didn't hear you
passion of our store conscious of them were you always mesh unconscious and then on also apologize because i'm very analytical person here are i hated to use my analytical thinking to colorado to into pieces bought it just saw something about a liar you know
all mahnaz you know or conscious and sauce as consciousness to me is is almost like a show directed by eagle eye so if he goes directors or alter ego get in but a one way or in silence and stillness are are liar your mom
i'm i'm just curious because ally out what we don't have judgment at wages we just no no no no no dear there's no duality right arm and i i think there's a there's something always in my in my experience i am also come from scientific world as loukas
and then there's a scene like okay when you watch a flower
when your mind it doesn't rise to concept of flour and eu and flower is the same thing is together
a way you somehow years or oh this is a flower bomb quantum collapsed you know so so now it just i think i think i still trying to figure out what has a try to fidel even i mean i'll hopefully it over the rainbow
work when when meet when the to world meet something awry so that's something come from a liar
or delight and also we'll talk about consciousness so that consciousness is already
ah filled her to by by okay
before you bring up too much for me to deal with tonight
self up when the buddha gave this teaching
he was talking about the arising of consciousness
he was not talking about the arising of a liar
and the the bullet the to be a phase of buddhism were on the the disciples of buddha developed as teaching of a lion was was developing what the buddha didn't really say much about the buddha
mostly was talking about when these two seems to come together that's the arising of consciousness where there's a sense of self
no the later teaching is that the foundation of the arising of consciousness
when these subject and object meet the foundation of it is the storehouse consciousness is the elia
and there is not as far as we know there's no sense of self in the elia however the elia the storehouse which is the unconscious the embodied unconscious that that's supper
what's the arising of the consciousness
where there's an idea of self
and the idea of self in the consciousness one of its consequences is that it puts usually puts down seeds in as cause as effects into the storehouse consciousness again so there will be more consciousness arising with a sense of self

so the again the early buddhism the buddha did not explain in detail about the storehouse consciousness
he did know he did say that a few words about it yes in heart a heart sutra there's something beyond consciousness
there's a verse in the heart sutra says that an emptiness there's no consciousness there's no feelings nor perceptions it talks about the five aggregates one of them's consciousness then it goes through and talks about the six cents consciousnesses and it talks about the a
is the eighteen elements which which has again six consciousnesses all those consciousnesses you cannot find an emptiness because none of them can be found because they have no substantial definitive existence
the heart sutra saying teaching us about wisdom and wisdom sees the nature of consciousness wisdom says that consciousness is something that basically
is
rising because of things that are not it coming together so consciousness has no independent existence it just rises with these other things and it's nothing in addition to them
and it in the wisdoms understands that
and i would be happy to if you key if you want to bring us up again to integrate discussions of
how the storehouse consciousness plays into
only a boat together with buddha how hollister has consciousness plays a role in zen meditation because it does
but i have not been talking about the store has consciousness but once again the foundation of the storehouse consciousness is the embodied unconscious
and the the activities that occur in consciousness as at the very moment that they occur they transform the unconscious
and then the next moment has an unkind horse which gives rise to a new consciousness so part of the consequences of karma is the constant transformation of the storehouse consciousness
that's why in consciousness recent study was going on and also study and understand our confusion about the relationship between the self and the activities of consciousness by studying that relationship we can become free of these misunderstandings and then the com
sequences of consciousness will be positive transformations of its foundation which is the storehouse consciousness
ah
but thank you for bringing
am

linda
i yeah i was waiting for for sonia to ask your question and i was gonna raise my hand after that but then sonia's hand went away
so i
well invites on your hand back i'm inviting sonia's hand back and i quickly put my hand up that you wouldn't end the meeting
so i have questions
you said that the self does not control
what we think right that's right i did say that does the self control what we do the self does not control anything so on then you you talked again about how you learned from being with suzuki roshi
how he showed you that you were not present with him in silence and stillness and then at some point you he showed you so well that you accepted to be there and
oh is there somebody who accepts
well yeah there's somebody there when the acceptance occurs
is that it just like a mysterious event that happens the acceptance you could say i'm i'm okay with mysterious
and i could tell a story about it but that story isn't isn't a serve the way it happened so i'm with him right yeah
but i'm not with them and i noticed that i errors because i know enough about zen to know that you're supposed to be with your teacher when you're with your teacher ah that i knew i knew i wanted to be with him i was very happy to god portland with them i wish it was an honor to be his attendant it was and
and a good job of the attendant is to be is to be with the person is attending to but and i wasn't really wholeheartedly doing it and i noticed it but he also helped me notice it
he wasn't there i wouldn't have noticed that i wasn't really there right so he helped me
so just noticing it was that and i didn't make myself notice it right
he helped me ah but he couldn't he he there was somebody sitting on the other side of him in the seat to but they may not have been there either but maybe they didn't think hey i'm not present in my seat next to this japanese guy
they may i don't know what they thought but anyway i did think that and
he also helped me i would say except that i wasn't doing my job
and when i think when i accepted that i wasn't doing my job of being there i started to be there but but the self was not in charge of this process it was something i was doing with him
so i was there all those moments of consciousness there was this there was an eye in those consciousnesses but the i was not in control of the process i did not make myself not be for your present i did not make myself wanna get away i didn't i didn't make myself wanna be there
i didn't make myself wanna be a embarrassed but i been together i i i didn't learn to accept i mean i did accept my situation and i finally accepted
being in is very painful situation with him
but it wasn't it wasn't my doing but i was there
answer yes and and in the consciousness there is the idea although the self is not controlling what is being done in the consciousness there is the idea that the self does control
at an illusion if i if i accept this idea i'm not at all i don't at all mind accepting the idea that the south doesn't control it but my question is around how does that arise or why isn't that happening or
you know
but i just have to keep living with that question and hanging out with you and friends and
people do sometimes say say to me they say why did you say that why did you do that you know like for sample why did you go to zen center you know and i usually at this point in my life and has been this way for a while i say i do not know why i did that
i do not know but i can tell stories i tell your story about why i did like earlier sean asked me a tolson stories i do not know
again why did you do that and i would say actually i think the questions misplaced i think it better to say why did how did that happen cat that's what i'm asking how does that happen how does it happen and i do not know how it happens however i can tell stories i can tell stories of how it happened
and by studying these stories it isn't that the we're gonna find a story that actually tells how it happens but by studying these stories we will discover how it happens
it is a mystery but we can understand this mystery
and the buddha said that the actuality of dependent core arising from the point of view of sentient beings consciousness is inconceivable the pinnacle arising is an inconceivable process and the buddha taught the twelve lengths of causation but that's a conceivable version of it that's a skill
for means that the buddha gave to us but the actual way it happens is dependent on this this depending on the arising of this the arising of that but how does that happen the buddhist saw it
but it's inconceivable from the point of view of ordinary consciousness but ordinary adjustments by studying itself can become free of itself and wisdom seasons
and it's okay to tell stories in the process
before i go can i tell us funny story
you can in the day so you heard a very beautiful inspiring dream from gayatri when i first went to and center was nineteen seventy four and i in a very soon i had a dream where i was sitting on the threshold of the of the xander
oh i've never told the stream and public as sitting on the threshold of the zendo and a dentist was looking into my mouth and the death the data said you have way too many categories reach of any category
wow that's a good
not cavities categorize it right right
it was a user
i'm glad that you told that story a nice and public and everybody
zen lara it's a great
yeah yeah have read too many categories and i'm a bodhisattva and i'm not gonna pull them out
i'm gonna let you study them
that's what's been happening
okay so idea
thank you linda
i'm
i had a couple questions some of them that you've gone over but i wanted to tell a story
when sean asked you for a story
a story that you've told came to my mind that has been really important to me
did i love and i think it's the portland trip but i'm not positive where you were sitting next to suzuki roshi and was that when he taught you how to count people story fatality signing going on and on that was on the trip up just portman
oh
it was before the gallbladder attack i'm okay so i thought i i i thought about that story a lot and i i really loved it and i memorized and if i could still do it but i memorized accounting and then as you told the story you thought he went to sleep and then
and you had to start again fit through the whole trip counting people
that day yeah and i felt like that was it if i'm pretty sure you did go to sleep but then he woke up to remind you yeah i think i think keegan view i think in his sleep he could be aware that i've stopped yeah and i felt like that was how i have
use that story is a way of inviting continuous practice or presence like you just because somebody goes to sleep or they do go to sleep but anyway you just keep counting you go round and round and around and so as i love that story and probably you can 't
tell it a little better than i did but it was when shine asked the question that's the story that came to my mind and maybe it's like
you're reminding us in different ways but it's almost like a mantra that helps you be present somewhere to keep
return retiree returning your mind
so i went to say i don't have with same thing but that was the story well it's a few getting other example yeah so sean asks are you there are shown that this is for you he's here so i'm i'm mob i'm so i'm flying to in the airplane which
azuki roshi and a box you leave i think maybe even before we took off
and he was gonna teach me how to count people in japanese
so he taught me how to count from one to ten
does your specialty counters for people
so he taught me story toddy saw nene yoni go names on he taught me how to count and then he said that he he said it to me and he said now you say so i set it back to him and i don't know how many times you went back and forth before i could but the whole tune in
after i could do the whole to an he said now you continue right
so then i just continued and i did it out loud
as i continued quietly counting
story toddy son name union goni balcony and you need hockney cooney toll
and so on over and over and then we took off and he fell asleep and then ah
and then i thought county when he fell asleep can when i stopped county he woke up and said
story
when i start counting again and he fell asleep again and then when if fall sleep i stopped counting and then i stopped counting to he woke up in such study and i started again but then ah and i just continually want to sleep with demi everyone to sleep i just continued the rest
does away i didn't stop counting when he went to sleep
but when we're asleep sometimes in there some sound when we go to sleep and were used to the sound if the sun staffs are often wakes us up
so the so anyway that was on the way up and so he did teach me in a way to stay at my seat my account and suit in that case at the end of the really not by shaming me but by reminding me and on the way home
was a really different situation now he was in a lot of pain and he wasn't going to sleep
thank you sonia i really loved that story i think it's a really important
beautiful story and i just want to say i had some other questions but one of them and i think you answered at some kind of checking myself of why you thought
it was important to change he said that to move from subject object to the universe meeting the universe
i think that's how you said it yeah that's like them the mahayana version is it's not just your sense organ need him some sense object
i think i think what it says to me as at this point that you were making before his we don't really know it it's so vast
like i didn't even wanna just committed to to earrings meaning we do know know the sense organ
but that's that's the like tip of the iceberg to say the least right that's the that's the cohere get sick to coherent part of what the real meeting is so the real meeting is this little thing here this little i organ are really behind that whole i organise the whole universe right so you're you're
your sense organ is the whole universe in the form of your sense oregon but you can't see the whole universe
which is coming as your sense organ that you can see the whole universe addresses on
so it's like the coherent needing the coherent but really there's an incoherent background it's also meeting
yes thank you that that resonates for me
thank you and thank you for the story
story and early early buddhism did not make that point this is edge braun out by the lotus sutra
and i'll say more about that next week
another comment fucking tonight
none

ltl man
yeah i said i have another question on the story yeah dude
told about the flight back
so because i heard that you served a kind of told the story that says you'll be helped you
d in your seat
and and my mind sort of
told the story that well really you help you
stayed in your seat or that you were able to remember being in your seat during the light and i agree i helped me i helped me and he helped me both
so suppose because both seem to be valid stories about it the really the whole universe helped me be my seat
and the whole universe helped me realize that i was having trouble being in my seat
however if he hadn't been sitting there
or even if he had been sitting there and written really comfortable
i might not have felt so ashamed that i wasn't present for him
but when your teachers sick and you you you and your as attendant
you you feels you know that is your responsibility to be there for to help your teacher right
and i was not completely there but if he hadn't been there if i just been riding on the airplane by myself and you know daydreaming i might not have felt like it was my job to be in this seat but he helped me remember that even if your teacher isn't there still your job to be in your seat
but he but him being there are especially him being there in pain did make me really feel like yes it i really have an essential responsibility to be here in this seat for him
and everybody else
he helped me that his his suffering help me
for some while realize that i wasn't really present and then to be and and to be present
but i helped me i helped me but i didn't control me he helped me but he didn't control me he didn't make me the present
i didn't make myself the president but he and i and everybody else
came together to help me be present
and then i think and then i think i finally was present but i don't know how that happened
i member a story i read when i first started practicing zen in san francisco i read this book by carlos castaneda
you know carlos castaneda tillman he wrote about it mccorkell woman
so he's studying with the mexican teacher is mexican sharman named don carlo down don juan
and his first assignment was to find his place you can set to find his seat
so don juan said tonight i want you to find your place
and saw the student spent the whole night looking for his place and
he really had a hard time he is looking looking looking looking
and he couldn't find his place but he was aware he wasn't finding his place
we went to sleep someplace the next morning the teacher dawan so did you find your place and he said no i didn't find it
and i want several where did you go to sleep
and carl of showed him where he went to sleep he said this is your place

so i was aware when i didn't find my place and i felt embarrassed about it but now looking back i realize i did find my place but i didn't even notice that i found my place but i stopped running away from being with my teacher
and that's you know
that's my happiness my happiness is when i stopped running away from buddha
and before i run away from being booed up i helped myself feel uncomfortable about that
and also buddha house may feel uncomfortable and you help me if you see me running away from buddha you help me also be embarrassed and i'm running away from buddha
in other words that i'm forgetting to be still
when we run away we we forget stillness
we can walk away and remember stillness
so i pray that we that we walk that we walk and walk and walk back and forth on the threshold
with all beings are the two worlds meet that we walk and remember
stillness
thank you everybody
may our intention equally extend to every being and plays and may the merit of our meeting
together with all beings realize the buddha away
beings are numberless i love to save them
delusions and afflictions are inexhaustible i love to cut through dharma gates are boundless i vow to walk back and forth in front of them
the broader way is unsurpassable i vow to become it

thank you thank you
and clearance rack a rare and