Since today is Easter, is that right? I thought it would be appropriate to talk about Zen meditation. So in the, the word Zen, sometimes translated as meditation itself. And sometimes even people think it has to do, that Zen meditation has to do with concentration practice. So there is a kind of, there is a practice of applying yourself or trying to concentrate your mind on something, which is good, right?

[01:08]

Like if you're driving a car or cutting carrots or speaking or writing a letter, all these kinds of activities seem good to to concentrate on what you're doing. And so that's concentration practice, in a sense. And you may also apply this to, for example, if you're sitting in meditation, you could concentrate your mind on your breathing and your posture. And in the introductory instructions that we give at Zen Center when people first come, We often give them instructions on how to sit up straight on their cushion and we recommend that they concentrate or pay attention, be mindful of their posture and their breathing.

[02:13]

I guess that most of you have received instructions like that. And I also have heard and experienced myself that if you then try to do the instructions that you received, if you try to do that, if you try to concentrate your mind or you try to pay attention to your breathing or you try to pay attention to your posture,

[03:28]

you may experience that you're somewhat successful at that or perhaps not very successful at that. So you may try to concentrate on your posture and notice that you actually pay attention to other things quite a bit. Or you might try to follow your breathing or count your breathing and notice that For example, if you're counting your breathing, you might notice that you can only count to one or two before you get distracted and think of other things. And then sometimes when people say, I'm following my breathing and my practice is to count my breaths. one to ten, but I only get to two or three, what should I do?" And then we often say, well, when you are counting your breaths, if you lose track, just go back to one and start over at one again.

[04:40]

Sometimes we say that. And then people sometimes do that, and again, they may continue to have that problem for many years. of being unable to count their breasts very well. Some other people seem to be able to do it, count from one to ten successfully, repeatedly. And these people are, you know, often quite happy about that. The people who are not able to count so successfully are so concentratedly, they oftentimes feel frustrated by that. This kind of work, this kind of concentration practice is a wholesome application of ourselves.

[05:47]

And to be frustrated by not being able to do it is not particularly wholesome or unwholesome. It's just something that you feel because you're trying to do something and you're being unsuccessful. To notice that you're being unsuccessful at your attempt to follow your breathing, that is also, I would say, quite good. To notice that you're unsuccessful at what you're trying to do, I think that's good too. And to notice that you get upset with yourself at being unsuccessful, I think is also very good to notice. Or to notice that you don't mind too much being unsuccessful. That's also good to notice. And throughout the day whatever you try to do to be aware of what you're trying to do and to be aware that you are more or less successful or unsuccessful at what you're trying to do is also good.

[06:52]

And to notice that you get upset by your relative successes and failures is also good. This kind of mindfulness is good. It's actually really necessary. It's necessary to be aware of what you intend to do what you actually feel you are doing, the difference you perceive there, and how you feel about that. This is really necessary. Necessary for what? I say it's necessary, but a lot of people don't do that. That's my impression.

[07:57]

A lot of people don't notice what they're intending to do. And they also don't necessarily notice that they get frustrated by what happens throughout the day. Even though they do intend to do things and do feel frustration, they don't necessarily notice it. So I say it's necessary, but if it was necessary, how come they get by without doing that? So I guess what I should say is that when I say necessary, I mean necessary from the point of view of a certain kind of motivation. And I often hear from people who come to the Zen Center, they sometimes say to me, they've heard about awakening, they've heard about enlightenment, they've heard about that kind of thing, and they often confess, you know, I'm not really interested in enlightenment. Or, that seems to be too grandiose for me to be concerned about.

[09:04]

Actually, if I could just be a little bit better human being, that would be good enough for me. So I said all these words so far, but I guess part of my basic question for you and me about Zen meditation is, what are your aspirations? What are your hopes? What are your motivations in practice of meditation? Maybe I should have said that at the beginning. So recently a person came to me after he just finished sitting an intensive meditation period of seven days and he told me that he was, that all he hopes for was, that he is to be a little better human being.

[10:18]

He didn't really want to realize enlightenment. And I said, oh, so you don't want to be a Buddha? He didn't, I don't think he answered my question. So the teachings of Zen meditation are very wide. and can be given, I would think, in whatever way is helpful to people. And if people do not have the motivation to realize awakening, then it may be helpful to give them some meditation which will help them do something else they're interested in. But strictly speaking, Zen meditation is really the meditation of a Buddha.

[11:30]

It's really meditation as a Buddha meditates. And it actually bears on the realization of complete awakening. And in that sense it's not like a person like me or you trying to concentrate her mind on something. It doesn't exclude that, but it's not from the point of view of a person doing something. It's not from the point of view of personal power and trying to control yourself or make yourself into some kind of better person. If one realizes awakening, then you could say, well, then one would be a better person.

[12:42]

I guess you could say that. And I don't want to say that's not true. It's just that from the point of view of realizing the Buddha way, such comparisons as better persons and less good persons are not really relevant. So I suggest to you that the practice we call Zazen in the Zen tradition really has nothing to do with anything that people do.

[14:15]

It's got nothing to do with anything I can do. And things that I can do, some of those things I can do might make me a better person from my point of view, might make myself a little bit better self. And I can understand that, and I agree that some things you can do make you or make me a better self. according to my judgment or your judgment. And I think that's what most of us spend some of our time or most of our time doing is

[15:29]

trying to do something to improve our situation. And so I guess what I'm saying is that what we call Zazen or Zen meditation or Buddhist practice, Buddha practice, the practice of a Buddha, is entirely opposite and reverse of that approach. Now, what's the reverse of that approach?

[16:37]

In other words, what's the reverse of whatever you're doing right now? What's the reverse of whatever you're doing right now? Everybody in this room is doing something right now. We're sitting in a certain posture. We're thinking certain thoughts. I'm saying some stuff. You may be saying some stuff in your head. What's the reverse of what I'm doing? Right, turn the light inward. That's a nickname for the reverse of what I'm doing. Usually I'm doing something. Or the reverse of that would be, something's doing me.

[17:46]

Or how about everything's doing me? That would be the reverse. that would be turning the light around from, I do things, or I do everything that happens in my life, I do this, I do that, I think this, I think that, to everything does me, or everything realizes me. So from the point of view of everything realizing me, I feel that all of you realize in me... Can you hear me in the back?

[20:28]

From the point of view of all of you and everything else happening and realizing me, I feel like all of you realize in me a pain in my heart right now. And it's a pain I can't get a hold of. because it's not exactly just inside me. I feel it's from all of you. I feel that it is all of you. I'm not just sort of saying this theoretically. I'm saying right now I feel that, but I don't feel it's me. I feel it's all of you.

[21:33]

Not to say that you all have aching hearts, but all of you. I can't feel your aching hearts, but I have one, and I feel like you gave it to me. When I feel like you give me my heart and the one you gave me hurts, this is not something I did, not something I can do, and not something I can get away from. I'm not trying to get myself to concentrate on this heart. I don't have to bring my attention to it.

[22:39]

It is given to me. It has been given to me and is being given to me. And I don't have to push myself around or try to make myself into a better person. I just... have a heart which all of you give me. I think that all I have to do is actually sit still with this heart. That's what I think Zen meditation is right now. I don't have to work at it, but I have to sit through it. Actually, rather than that I have to bring myself to concentrate on it, what I need to do is just not run away from it.

[23:52]

because it's hard to stay with it. I want to say something and I want to say it from here, not from there. How can I say it? It has to do with Easter. It has to do with dying. It has to do with myself and that the only way I really know myself is by realizing that I am simultaneously nothing.

[25:29]

And I am being. Or I am nothing, but I'm here. That I am going to die. And this death is what defines me.

[26:48]

It defines me in every way that I am. Yesterday I was, not yesterday, a couple days ago I was sharing a lunch with a psychotherapist.

[28:11]

And he said, let me, I want to check, I want to tell you about my understanding of the relationship between psychotherapy and spiritual practice?" I said, okay. So he said, I think for me spiritual practice is to be completely present And I think psychotherapy is to be completely present. So for me, they're the same. I said, I agree. He said, good. then he said, maybe it's like there's this big circle and the whole circle is healing.

[29:33]

All kinds of healing that are possible. And maybe all those kinds of healing, I don't know, maybe all those kinds of healing are just being present with various situations. And I don't remember, but maybe he said at the center of all those kinds of healing is spiritual practice. I don't know if I'd put it in the center or not, but anyway, I think that spiritual practice which may or may not be involved in psychotherapy or other kinds of healing practices, spiritual practice has to do with being, just being present with this basic separation between

[30:50]

some idea of self and everything that's not self. This basic, this fundamental separation of me and you or me and the rest of the world This is the fundamental disease. Am I saying that loud enough? And so Zen meditation is to sit still with that disease.

[31:53]

to be completely present with that disease, that separation of self and other. And that interface, that interface sometimes is called the Dharma. the teaching, to be present with that disease, that separation, to not move at that place. This being present and not moving at this fundamental separation between us is not doing anything.

[33:00]

It's not going towards that place or away from that place. It's just feeling that pain, or whatever you call it. It's just admitting that the mind does cause this separation. that the mind is this separation, and the mind is on both sides of the separation. This does not make one into a better person, this kind of meditation. This leaves you in exactly whatever judgmental category you belong in. If you're a bad person, it leaves you as a bad person. If you're a medium good person, it leaves you a medium good person.

[34:04]

If you're an excellent person, you stay excellent person. Regardless of whether you're judged from the outside or the inside, it doesn't mess with that kind of stuff. It causes you to be completely liberated from whatever level of goodness or badness you happen to be enacting or destined, what do you call it, placed in. If you're a bad person, then you are no longer a bad person. If you're a good person, you are no longer a good person. If you are a woman, you are no longer a woman, and so on. If you're a man and you sit over here on the man's side and the women are over on the other side and you feel that separation and you don't mess around with it, you feel the dis-ease of being separated from the opposite sex.

[35:27]

If you're a man, it isn't that you become somewhat more like a woman. It's that you become liberated from whatever you are. And it is possible to have complete, utter liberation if you have complete willingness to feel this separation. Did I say that loud enough? Now sometimes people say, well, one instruction is to always remind yourself that whatever you see in the world, whatever happens to you, that the whole world is nothing but yourself. But the self, in that case,

[36:32]

is the self which is liberated from itself. It's not the self that's on this side with everything else on the other side. It's the self that is born from everything else. It's the so-called true self. And the true self is called not the self. who I really am, is called not me.

[37:55]

If I can sit with that, if I can sit face to face with total not me, this is called the joyous self. This is what we call zazen, to sit. face to face with complete, total, not me. 360 degrees, not me. Or to sit with the entire world is me. Same thing. These are two different ways to for me to say the death of myself.

[39:29]

And there is no selfhood without awareness of its death. Things that do not know that they will die do not have a self. Things that have sense of self are aware that they will die. Your sense of self, my sense of self shows that I know I will die. In fact, I will die means I am unique, singular, individual. There's never anything like this. Again, I am here and I am nothing.

[40:41]

I am I am nothing because I know I will die. And again, this kind of awareness is called self-joyousness awareness. I only receive and use myself. Never anything else. Thank you.

[42:20]

When I think about Easter, I have, generally speaking, positive associations with that word and that day in my childhood. I think of, what do you call those colors? Pastels. I think of... Blues like your light blue and pinks, pinks and white and green of springtime. Pretty dresses and chocolate. Nice, fresh, bright colors. So I guess Easter is a day of rebirth, a day when, well, something to do with death and then something to do with life.

[43:54]

And then there's a couple days before Good Friday, right, which is a kind of dark day in my association. So I feel somewhat shy, even though I was raised in a Christian church, I feel shy saying anything about what Easter means for the Christian church. But I guess I can say what it means for me as a card-carrying Christian, because I still have a card that says I'm a Christian.

[44:59]

What does crucifixion mean for me? What does dying on the cross mean for me? And I actually, if this bothers you, for me to be talking about crucifixion, because maybe some of you hope to get some refuge and escape from that issue by coming to a Zen center on Easter. Do the ministers in the churches and the priests in the churches, on Sunday, do they talk about the meaning of crucifixion? Or do they do that on Friday? You know? They do it on Friday? They do it on Palm Sunday. I think you have to, and I think the thing of, you know, this cross, right? Something's crossed.

[46:07]

Something's cut, right? There's something like a line, and the line is cut. And at that place where it's cut, there's a point. This line here, maybe a vertical line, this line is a line that we're all connected on. And I don't know if we're all on the line connected or if we're all connected on that line to something which is that we're all connected. But that line gets cut at various points. And each point that gets cut, it seems to me, is one of us. And I guess what I'm suggesting is that, for me, something like crucifixion happens when you're willing to be at that point, at that cross, at that cutting place between our connection

[47:17]

and our separation. And that from being willing to be at that place and feel that pain, which, you know, the pain comes from believing that separation, believing that cutting in something that is never cut, the pain that comes from believing that cutting, we have to sit at that place and be present at that place And that's what heals this wound, this wound in the continuity of all being. So to sit in awareness of the continuity of all being, to sit in the awareness that you are me, also means that I sit in the awareness that I really think you're not me.

[48:27]

Or on some level I really believe the apparent separation, and that is painful. So the way I can really be imbued with The awareness of our continuity comes by being willing to accept and feel the consequences of believing in our discontinuity. And again, I propose this is not something you have to, you know, you don't have to work this up.

[49:33]

It's built in. It's there all the time. I don't think you have to focus on it. I think we are focused on it. It's just a question of whether we Don't move away. Don't run away. This kind of meditation, a meditation of constantly feeling the separation between ourselves and others, the pain of it varies.

[51:05]

Sometimes the pain is extremely intense. Sometimes it's a very subtle, mild ache. I think that it has a rhythm. And I don't think the rhythm is due to denial. In other words, but it could have a rhythm that's due to denial. In other words, you could not notice it at all. And then you could notice it a little. And that might make it seem to appear and disappear. But I think that maybe even when you're quite aware of it, it still has a kind of a pulse to it. This pain of our separation from each other. But I don't mean to tell you what it's going to be like if you see it.

[52:14]

But what I mean, what I'm saying is that, I guess just to say that I don't want you to think it's supposed to be a certain way, a certain intensity. But try to uncover what it actually is for yourself. When I say try to uncover it, that sounds like something you'd do again. I don't mean that. I guess I just say be open to that it could appear in various ways, this discomfort, this disease. And I was going to say something about that, I forgot. Oh, I know what it is. It's this. Sometimes it's very intense.

[53:18]

And at that time, when it's really, really intense, usually you're in pretty good shape then, if you just don't run away. But what often happens is Zen meditation has a reputation, which you may have heard about, that it is boring. Some of these other kinds of meditation or maybe other kinds of healing, but anyway, other kinds of meditation like you doing something, like if you would get yourself to be more concentrated, or a meditation where you would get to be a better person. Those meditations, I would think, are often not so boring.

[54:21]

For example, if you are successful, it's certainly not very boring. You feel good. And if you're not successful, it's quite dramatic too. you feel really bad, like there's something wrong with you, you're lazy, etc. But when you're actually doing Zen meditation, it might seem quite boring. And I propose to you a kind of surprising thing, and that is that of the various demons and distracting tendencies of mind, The worst demon of all is boredom. And the worst demon appears as you get closest to the most important realization. When you get really close to realizing who you are, that's the most important thing to realize.

[55:28]

And the demon that appears then is boredom. Not even sleepiness. Sleepiness is a less virulent disease or demon. Because when you go to sleep, at least you can spot that. But boredom says, actually it's okay to go to sleep or it doesn't matter if you go to sleep or so what if you go to sleep or so what if you're awake or so what if you're meditating it's just boring that's the best way at the most in the end when you come down to the final subtle work boring is the last trip up that final fitting that final feeling of the subtlety of the separation, the final settling with this basic delusion, then the thing that will drive us off from that work, the most dangerous thing that will drive us off, many things will drive us off, fear, doubt, anger, lust,

[56:51]

confusion, many things. But watch out for boring. As you really start to do this work, the boring demon, the demon of boredom, will perhaps arise. It is boring to work on noticing the self. especially as the work gets subtle, it gets boring. There's a little pain there, but the pain is sometimes very subtle, boring. Again, again, this again, me again, me again. Giving up getting better and worse. So boredom in some sense is a good sign.

[58:09]

It shows you're getting close to the essential work. So I have a song which I associate with Easter. This song has light blue in it for me. Light blue and yellow and green. And light blue, yellow, green. Yeah, mostly those colors.

[59:10]

I first heard this song when I was about 12. It was in a movie. And I see somebody, I see a man or a woman standing actually on a green hill on a sunny spring day, you know, singing this song. The words are, Once I had a secret love that lived within the heart of me all too soon that secret love became impatient to be free so I told a friendly star the way the dreamers often do just how wonderful you are and why I'm so in love with you now I shout it from the highest hill even told the golden daffodils Now my heart's an open door, my secret love's no secret anymore.

[60:21]

This is what I've been talking about today. I'm talking about a secret love that we have, a love of what we really are. What we really are is one continuous being, and that's being kept secret deep in our heart And that secret deep in our heart has got a little cut in it. That secret thing we love has got a little cut in it. And it's cut in two parts. One side is called self, the other side is called other.

[61:32]

And it is that way. That cut is not going to be taken away. It can't be taken away. If you take away the cut, there's no way to know this secret. So is that clear? So you want to sing this song? Well, if you don't want to, don't. And if you do want to, do. Once I had a secret love That lived in the heart of me All too soon that secret love became impatient to be free.

[62:48]

So I told a friendly star. No, is that wrong? How does it go? That's great. Start this. So I told a... No. You did it. Why don't you start over again? You start over again. So I told a friendly star The way that dreamers often do Just how wonderful we are And how I so in love with you. Now I shouted from the highest hill.

[63:50]

Even told the golden daffodils. Now my heart's an open door My secret love's no secret anymore They are indentured

[64:24]

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