This morning, I believe, is the third anniversary or the third year since Katagiri Roshi passed away. I hope we can do a memorial service for him sometime today. Maybe at noon service we can do it. Chanting the Jiju-Yu Zanmai section of the Vendowa, which was one of his favorite teachings

[01:08]

. . . He was the third abbot of Zen Center, and one time during a Sesshin, at the beginning of Sesshin, he said, don't make Zazen a toy, something that you play with, something which So, we want to let Zazen do Zazen.

[02:36]

Not, I do Zazen. We let pain be pain. We let breath be breath. We let body be body. We let self be self. We let I be I, and me be me. Thank you. Thank you.

[04:22]

Thank you. Thank you. The place where

[05:45]

Self-realization and self-liberation occur. The first thing that comes to mind about this place is that it is, first and foremost, a beautiful place. The place where the self is just the self, and where we just let pain be pain, and we just let breath be breath, that place is, first and foremost, a beautiful place.

[07:00]

And, as Rilke says, this beautiful place is nothing but a terror that we can just barely stand. And, as Rilke says, this beautiful place is nothing but a terror that we can just barely stand.

[08:16]

This terror lives in our human heart. This terror, which we can stand, lives in our human heart, our pounding human heart. It can stand this terror. The terrifying dynamic of good and evil. The terrifying dynamic of good and evil.

[09:37]

The terrifying dynamic of good and evil. The terrifying dynamic of good and evil. The terrifying dynamic of good and evil.

[11:07]

The terrifying dynamic of good and evil. The terrifying dynamic of good and evil. The terrifying dynamic of good and evil.

[12:37]

The terrifying dynamic of good and evil. The terrifying dynamic of good and evil. The terrifying dynamic of good and evil.

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The terrifying dynamic of good and evil. The terrifying dynamic of good and evil. The terrifying dynamic of good and evil.

[15:36]

The terrifying dynamic of good and evil. The terrifying dynamic of good and evil. The terrifying dynamic of good and evil.

[17:06]

The terrifying dynamic of good and evil. The terrifying dynamic of good and evil. The terrifying dynamic of good and evil.

[18:35]

The terrifying dynamic of good and evil. I was thinking about breathing. It seems to be going on in the midst of stillness. The world seems to be going on in the form of inhaling and exhaling.

[19:39]

The world seems to be going on in the form of inhaling and exhaling. But there is some worry or some fear that one needs to do more than be still and unmoving in the middle of this cycle of birth and death. There is a fear of laziness in this peace.

[21:03]

There is a fear of self-righteousness and complacency in this stillness. So, the evil one says, get upset, then you can be sure that you're not complacent. Get angry and you can be sure you're not resting in peace in a lazy way, avoiding the real life of greed, hate and delusion. Where is there some touchstone?

[22:13]

Some criterion to judge whether this is just self-delusion in stillness or whether this is really the authentic sitting of a Buddha. The touchstone is beauty and beauty intrinsically is not beautiful. This phenomenal world which is first and foremost beautiful is beautiful because the phenomenal world is not the phenomenal world. The fact that the phenomenal world is not the phenomenal world is the beauty of the phenomenal world and is the beauty of being you and me,

[23:20]

is the emptiness of you and me and the emptiness of beauty. Not one Dharma can be found herein, this sitting. And this sitting freely becomes Dharma. Peace. Such outbursts are constantly happening but we put space between them

[24:29]

so that people will think they're rare. Would it be beneficial to throw water on Michael? One said yes and one said no. Q. May I ask a question? [...]

[25:43]

Q. May I ask a question? Q. It's free. If you drink this water you'll be free. That's it. It just means there's nothing left to lose. There's nothing left to lose and that's where you come from. That's where you can live your life from. Trust everything to inhalation and exhalation.

[27:37]

And then throw your body and mind into the womb of light. Trust everything to inhalation and exhalation. And then throw your body and mind into the womb of light. Coming from the womb of light, trust everything to your inhalation and exhalation. Throw your body and mind into the womb of light. Check it out. See if from such a practice you take care of every sentient being. See if you take care of the terrifying beauty of each thing from this place.

[28:51]

See if you take care of the terrifying beauty of each thing from this place. But I think I will not take care of every living being unless I have completely given up everything. And giving up everything is exactly identical with me.

[30:04]

And giving up everything is exactly identical with me. Can we come from the place where I have nothing more to lose? My hands are empty. They're unemployed. They're ready to take the hand of anyone, anytime, anyplace. They have no other work. They've given it up. They're just hands. They enter the mud and the water for the sake of all sentient beings.

[31:38]

This is called seeing Buddha. Those who give up everything, open their hands and enter into the mud and water with all beings, are gentle and sit upright. See Buddha. See the Buddha body. What is it? What is it? What is it?

[32:44]

What is it? How does this help? How does this help? How does this help? Sitting upright has nothing other to do than to sit upright. It does not expect anything but itself. That helps. Sitting upright is your question. What is sitting upright? Sitting upright is your question.

[34:13]

How does this help? It is your question. How does this help? Rather than, how does this help? Help. But in fact, the fact that your question, how does this help? Is just that and nothing more. That is what helps. The fact that it's nothing more and nothing less is exactly that. It's not itself either. That's what helps. That's what lets that question say, also intervene. If you expect more of that question or less of that question, and don't let that question just be that question,

[35:15]

then you won't realize that that question is not that question. And if you don't realize that question is not that question, that's just because you haven't given up everything but asking that question. Just asking that question is upright sitting. That is also being gentle. That is also practicing all virtue and entering the mud and water of asking that question. Not for yourself, but for all sentient beings. You're welcome. Thank you.

[36:46]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[38:16]

Thank you. [...]

[40:10]

Can you feel the beginning of the terror? No. No. Now can you feel it? Are you getting warmer? Where is this terror? Do you disagree with me? Think it's not there? What? Think all these poets and philosophers and mystics were out to lunch?

[41:15]

It's just a feeling. What's just a feeling? Terror. It's just a mystery. Mystery. Why does the mystery have to be a terror? It doesn't have to be. But they say it is. They say beauty is terrible. They say each angel is terrible. Because when it comes to us, it doesn't destroy us. It just negates us. And in that negation,

[42:22]

is where beauty is born. When we first feel the terror at that negation, there's beauty. And it's not a beauty for itself. It just is something that is born. It's something you know. And that's all you know. In this world, and all you need to know. Yes. I think it's rather like the terror of a rollercoaster ride. Yes.

[43:27]

Rollercoaster ride. Does giving up everything mean allowing ourselves to be negated? Does giving up everything mean allowing ourselves to be negated? I guess so. Sounds right. But again, allowing yourself to be negated is actually your identity. That's actually who you are. That's who you really are. That's you as a religious happening chick. What? Allowing ourselves to be negated is a confirmation of the self.

[44:39]

It's the self that does the allowing here. Is it the same as grasping? No. It is grasping allowing release. And then grasping realizes the truth. I think I want to negotiate. Yes. I have a feeling that giving up is like going in a loop. This direction. And at the same time I'm in a new spawn. The two nations.

[45:42]

So it's going in both directions at the same time. Yes. Yes. Yes. Seems right. Outbreath is giving up? Yes. Giving up on the outbreath. Give up. Just give up and go down to a place where there's no floor anymore. But at the same time something is rising up, just going up. Yes. Just giving up is uprightness. It's very upright to just give up. So there's a not giving up. There's an assertion in giving up. And being born again. The coming up. There's an allowing. And there's a freedom to be.

[46:44]

There's a being good to try to negotiate because that's who you are. And... Going over. Yes. Yes. Is there any way to go wrong? Could you for instance... If it were possible to go around a zendo and get inside so to speak everyone's head... Could you say you're wasting your time right now and you're making your effort in the right direction? You can say that's wasting your time. But you can't say you're wasting your time. But to make, you know, as a kind of convention you could say you're wasting your time. But it's not really the person that's wasting time because the person, just as they are, is not the person. And that's not wasting time. So, none of you are wasting time. But to think that you exist...

[47:52]

As though you were in opposition to the negation of yourself. That is called wasting time. That thought. That you exist in opposition to everything that's not you. That's called wasting time, that thought. But in fact, you what you are, you're not wasting time. You are time. You're it. So then when we say things like take responsibility for your life, take responsibility for your actions, who are we talking to there? When we talk like that? Who are we telling to take responsibility? I mean, if I say that? Well, anyone. I have to say it to find out. What am I supposed to say? You know, sort of like, don't put things out there, take responsibility for your life. Don't put things out there... What does that mean? I don't know what that... I can't say that. Well...

[48:57]

Okay, I'll try the other one. Take responsibility for your life. Okay, I said that. Now what do you want to know about that? Who are we talking to there? Who was I talking to? I wasn't talking to anybody. I was just saying that. Yeah. So you'd never say that to a person? See, I'll try it now. Take responsibility for your life. No, I don't talk like that. I do talk, though. I talk. I say stuff, so I can say, take responsibility for your life. Now, if I think about it, then just as I did that, I took responsibility for my life. My life was sitting here, talking like that. So I did, at that time, I did it myself. Now I could... But I don't talk to other people that way, except when I'm asleep. Then who are you talking to when you say, trust everything in your inhalation and exhalation and throw your body and mind into the ring of light?

[49:58]

Who are you talking to there? Who am I talking to when I say that? Yes, you say that. Trust everything... to inhalation and exhalation. If I'm in the world, I'm talking to somebody other than me. I hear it like you're talking to me, when you say it. I mean, when you just said it here a few minutes ago, I thought once again. Hmm. I keep trying to do that. I don't know how to do that, but it keeps appearing as an instruction that I should try. But I don't know who you're talking to, when I ask this other question about can you go wrong or not, when you say there is... Well, then after that I said, throw yourself and body and mind into the womb of light.

[51:03]

So that's to help us understand the meaning of that instruction. That instruction is not given to somebody else. Well, it sounds like two instructions actually. It's two instructions. It's two instructions. And then go. Yeah. And one is a kind of antidote to the other. They're both antidotes to each other. If you throw your body and mind into the womb of light, then naturally you come from there to trust your breathing. If you trust your breathing, dualistically, you have to then throw yourself into the womb of light. If I give instruction as though I'm talking to myself or somebody else, then I have to throw myself into the womb of light to clear up, to wash my instruction. Still, the way I watch my mind work is that I can easily wonder if I hear this instruction as something that I should try,

[52:07]

to make some effort to do, and then I can wonder, am I doing it? Could someone look inside and say, hey, you got it. You're actually putting your effort in the right direction. You haven't quite been able to jump into the womb of light, but it looks like you're trying to do it. That sort of thinking comes up. That's what brings up this question about, the original question about, can you go wrong? Can one go wrong? Can you make an effort? Can someone say, well, you heard what I said and you're trying to do something, but you're not doing the right thing. You're going backwards or you're going sideways. One can go wrong, yes, but in the place where one goes wrong, one is also going right. They're both there. If in that place where they're both there,

[53:09]

you only notice the going wrong or the going right, then you are not home. You do not sense the terror. You don't really go wrong, you just only see you go wrong by perhaps seeing that you're going right and saying, I'm doing the practice or I'm not doing the practice. In fact, to say you are doing the practice, you are successful, you are going right, is half the story. You're not doing the practice. Doing the practice, doing the practice means not doing the practice. Not doing the practice, not doing the practice means not, not doing the practice.

[54:10]

Therefore, we say doing the practice or not doing the practice. Live there and you're not wasting time live in I am doing the practice or I'm not doing the practice That's wasting time Live and I'm good or I'm evil is wasting time live in the struggle between them Means you've renounced body and mind You Trusting everything inhalation and exhalation

[55:14]

Helps you get there The place is called the womb of light This is where everything is light. Everything is light Evil's light good is light the inseparability of evil and light evil and good is light Everything is light You So we're talking about that like that that nice little water oozle Who seems to be saying thank you for everything after after talking about that Daigu came up and said well, you know what that water oozle is really doing. It's really just the most territorial and aggressive of all birds It's really what it's what it's saying by splashing in the water. It's saying This is my Waterfall, this is my river. This is my lake get out of here. I'm gonna attack you get away

[56:18]

Now what we'd like of course No, no, of course, but there's some tendency to want a nice little bird there that's sitting in the water saying Well, this is a beautiful. This is a gorgeous snowstorm and this is a lovely freezing stream And everybody's welcome here and I like to share the water with anybody who's got the guts to come and swim with me You know and I'll mate with any species That's one story but it's more terrifying than that actually this guy is also Packing a wallop and he'll attack, you know, even a human being maybe if they get too close to his territory There's a dynamic there he's struggling for his life he's trying to protect his territory and there's something good there, too Which some people can see They're both there We don't want to face this. We want a whitewash. We want to dilute the intensity of our actual existence

[57:24]

Which actually transcends and blows good and evil out of the water That song is an expression of good and evil in struggle I negotiated a deal with Well, I guess Prediction And isn't it hard I mean Isn't hard to do that And I'm not saying the fact that it's hard means that that's for sure why it's true No It's not just the hardness

[58:25]

That's not that's not the main criterion it is hard That's why part of the reason why we don't check it out It is kind of hard to get there to be totally devoted to your breathing and posture It's not easy. You have to give up all these small-scale projects in order to completely be with it. I Don't think it's the hardness that's the correct that's the encouragement. It's the beauty and It's the terror is a good sign Because you feel your heart You feel your blood you feel your life you're alive more than anything you're alive It's not that you're also alive and also good Alive and sure that you're right. No You're alive and you could be wrong. You could be dead wrong You could be way off track you could be downright evil

[59:27]

But this says yeah true. You could be downright evil, but in that evil in the worst evil is good There's no evil sitting around resting Evil is constantly got good in its heart attacking it You Evil would like to take a vacation to and not have such a hard time. He had such a bad rap But so it good good gets distinct gets ignored and disregarded and disrespected all the time Why is that because good is not good You Good is not good evil is not evil That's what life is

[60:33]

And we have trouble facing that light entering that light It's It's right under our nose It's right in our heart it lives in our heart. It's pounding there It's sending us a message every beat that it's there It's in our breath it's in our spine this light is in every part of our body doing dozen You And what if it's too much by ourselves Then the beauty is gone the beauty of the terror we can still stand

[61:37]

And Sometimes the way The way the opportunity manifests Is that we can't stand it anymore. It's too terrible. We can't stand it. That's the way it is sometimes We go to sleep That happens, however, we don't know it No problem, we're just miserable in our sleep I'm only trying to encourage myself to stay with that light to enter that light to turn towards that intensity Which is life? I'm trying to turn towards life and I'm fishing with a straight hook for the fish that turns away from life

[62:39]

The straight hook to catch the fish in my own heart that turns away from life and any other fish that are turning away from life To catch him with this straight hook which doesn't tell him where to go and doesn't do their work for them Which tantalizingly interactively leaves them alone And the main way I tantalize myself and others Is by my own uprightness gentleness and willingness to enter the world of all beings The main way I tantalize Is Being myself so completely that I open up to my total negation And feel terror there

[63:48]

This Terrible angel that disdains to destroy me Serenely disdains destroying me All of you and the mountains and the rivers and the heavens and the earth Serenely disdain to destroy me when I'm really myself and Beauty starts to dawn But sometimes we sleep but not forever We are intentionally created to be in that place

[65:01]

We're prepared on that way To join the endless day and the world We are prepared on that way To join the endless day and the world We are prepared on that way Beings are endless I vow to save them Religions are impossible I vow to end them My mind games are boundless I vow to enter them

[66:04]

Buddha's way is unsurpassable I vow to keep them

[66:12]

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