If I may say again that the banner teaching for this practice period and the previous one is that to study the Buddha way is to study the self. And to study the self is to forget the self, and to forget the self is to be awakened, and to be realized by all things, and that to be realized by all things is to drop off body and mind of self from others. So this practice of studying the self, practice of the Buddha way, practice of forgetting

[01:16]

the self, is also called the self-enjoyment samadhi or self-fulfillment samadhi. Dogenzenji says that all Buddha Tathagatas who directly transmit the inconceivable dharma and realize supreme perfect enlightenment have a wondrous way, unsurpassed and unconditioned. Only Buddhas transmitted to Buddhas without veering off. Self-fulfilling samadhi is its standard or its criterion.

[02:18]

Sitting upright, practicing Zen is the authentic gate to the unconfined realm of this samadhi. Although this inconceivable dharma is abundant in each person, it is not actualized without practice and it is not experienced without realization. When you release it, it fills your hand. How could it be limited to one or many? When you speak it, it fills your mouth. It is not bounded by length or width. All Buddhas continuously abide in it but do not leave traces of consciousness in their

[03:27]

illuminations. Sentient beings continuously move about in it but their illumination is not manifest in their consciousness. All Buddhas continuously abide in this self-fulfillment samadhi but they do not leave traces of consciousness in their illumination. Sentient beings also continuously move about in this self-fulfilling samadhi but the illumination

[04:33]

does not manifest in their consciousness. It is entirely beyond all human agency and human consciousness. Now, all ancestors and all Buddhas who uphold the Buddha-dharma have made this true path of enlightenment to sit upright, practicing in the midst of self-fulfilling samadhi. Those who attained enlightenment in India and China all followed this way.

[05:36]

It was done because teachers and disciples personally transmitted this excellent method as the essence of the teaching. In the authentic tradition of our teaching, it is said that this directly transmitted, straightforward Buddha-dharma is the unsurpassable of the unsurpassable. From the first time you meet a master, without engaging in incense offering, bowing, chanting Buddha's name, repentance or reading scriptures, you should just wholeheartedly sit and thus drop away body and mind. When even for a moment you express Buddha's mudra in the three activities, by sitting

[06:40]

upright in samadhi, the whole phenomenal world becomes Buddha's mudra and the entire sky turns into enlightenment. Because of this, all Buddha Tathagatas, as the original source, increase their dharma bliss and renew their magnificence in the awakening of the way. Furthermore, all beings in ten directions and the six realms, including the lower realms, at once obtain pure body and mind, realize the state of great emancipation and manifest the original face. At this time, all things realize correct awakening. Myriad objects partake of the Buddha body and sitting upright, a sovereign under the

[07:47]

Bodhi tree, you immediately leap beyond the boundary of awakening. At this moment, you turn the unsurpassably great dharma wheel and expound the profound wisdom, ultimate and unconditioned. Because such broad awakening resonates back to you and helps you inconceivably, you will in zazen unmistakably drop away body and mind, cutting off all the various defiled thoughts from the past and realize the essential Buddha dharma. Thus you will raise up the Buddha activity at innumerable practice places of Buddha Tathagatas everywhere, cause everyone to have the opportunity of ongoing Buddhahood and vigorously uplift

[08:52]

the ongoing Buddha dharma. Because earth, grass, trees, walls, tiles and pebbles all engage in Buddha activity, those who receive the benefits of wind and water caused by them are inconceivably helped by the Buddha's guidance, splendid and unthinkable, and awaken intimately to themselves. Those who receive these wind and fire benefits spread the Buddha's guidance based on original awakening. Because of this, all those who live with you and speak with you will obtain endless Buddha virtue and will unroll widely, inside and outside, through the entire universe, the

[09:54]

eternal, unnameable Buddha dharma. All this, however, does not appear within perception because it is unconstructed in stillness. It is immediate, unmediated realization. So simple. Just sit. Upright. This is simply the dharma gate of repose and bliss, the practice realization of totally

[11:04]

culminated enlightenment, the manifestation of ultimate reality. That's all. Traps and snares can never reach it. This samadhi continuously goes beyond everything. Therefore, all Buddhas in all worlds in ten directions always sit in this samadhi. If all the Buddhas in ten directions, as innumerable as the sands of the Ganges, were to exert their

[12:15]

strength and with the Buddha's wisdom try to measure the merit of one person sitting this way, they would be unable to fully comprehend it. So it makes sense that we also have little trouble comprehending the merit of the sitting which we are practicing. Nobody can get a hold of this tiger. Sit. Put your glasses on. I wish I had my glasses.

[13:19]

Then I could see your eyes. I forgot my glasses. Do you know where they are? They're on the shelf above the desk. They're in a dark case. Not the little ones on the desk. They're up in the case on the shelf. I won't say anything till you get back. I mean, I'll talk about you. Oops, I wasn't supposed to say that. This is not about her. Tiger, tiger, burning bright in the forest of the night, what immortal hand or eye could frame thy fearful symmetry? I had a dream. In the dream, a woman said,

[14:24]

I'm not afraid of that symmetry. Symmetry, same on both sides. Both sides, two shoulders, two arms, two feet, the same. Fearful symmetry, two claws, four dread feet, dread feet, dread shoulders. So I had somebody told me this dream. She had a dream quite a while ago. She was in a house and up on the roof of the house there was a tiger. And the tiger was starving. And the fur was, you know, not so healthy.

[15:30]

She told me. And she said some people had been throwing food up to the tiger. You could tell because there were scraps. And when she told me that, I smiled. And she laughed. And she said, why did you laugh? And I said, I didn't laugh, you laughed, I smiled. And I smiled because I just thought it was funny to think of people tossing these scraps up to the tiger. And she said, I'm glad you smiled because it's a sad story. It's sad, this tiger is starving. But it's funny that people are throwing in scraps. It is a fearful symmetry. It's a sad story and it's a funny story. Feed that tiger, feed that tiger. How do you feed the tiger?

[16:40]

Many ways. I suggest complex carbohydrates, cooked vegetables, lots of fluids. But most of all, of course, sit upright in a practice which goes beyond everything. That's how to feed that tiger. Thanks. She loaned me her pet tiger for a little while. She didn't give it to me. That's not a hint. What? You loaned me your tiger, you loaned me your tiger. Wow. We got to feed this tiger, people, it's starving.

[17:48]

But you are feeding it. You've been feeding it these three days and it's going yum yum. It loves human flesh. You've been putting your fleshy little bodies on the altar to the tiger and the tiger appreciates it. Even though it's a fearful thing to waste your life for the sake of a tiger that you can't see. But we need this tiger. People need this tiger. Especially Charlie the evil one needs the tiger. People, you know, evil people need the tiger. Because the tiger saves evil people.

[18:51]

The tiger uses every opportunity. No state of mind can stop that tiger. No state of mind can start that tiger. There's no traces of states of mind in this tiger. But this tiger we can't see in our states of mind. We can't see it. It is beyond hearing and seeing. It is a matter that has been transmitted to you. You got it. Please feed it. Feed it by sitting still. Feed it by bowing to Buddha. Feed it by continuously going beyond realization. Okay. Is that enough?

[19:55]

No. More. Yes? Does the tiger sport devil eyes? Does the tiger sport devil eyes? No. But those who feed the tiger sport devil eyes. The tiger feeders. You can spot the tiger's feeders. They really got devil eyes. You can see their devil eyes. And they make deviled eggs. Yes? What if you're really evil? What if you're really evil? Yeah. Then, in a absolutely, contradictorily, self-identical way, the tiger will be there, waiting for lunch. In the middle of that evil, the deeper the evil, the more you have to feed the tiger. That tiger's really got an appetite. What?

[20:58]

Eventually, centripetal force gets him? You mean, eventually, centripetal force brings the lunch down? That's right. What the anvil! What the dead grasp! Dare its deadly terrors clasp! Yes. The fearful symmetry of good and evil. This is a show which can wake anybody up. But watching evil... Actually, I put a little cartoon on the Bowden board. People do actually enjoy watching evil. That keeps them fairly awake. Even that, they go to sleep after a while,

[22:04]

because they run out of storylines. But watching good, by itself, most people don't enjoy that very much. I missed... What was the joke? We sort of solved the problem. Oh, we solved the problem. If you drink much more of that, you're going to have to join me in the restaurant. And you dare to never do that. Wasn't there a song? Hold that tiger. What do you mean, wasn't there a song? I sang it this morning. Feed that tiger.

[23:05]

Feed that tiger. Has anybody seen that tiger? It's a great song. It's a great song. That was before your time, Leslie. So, at Green Gulch, we mostly talk about the dragon who gains the water when the heart is grass. The heart of that which you can't catch. Then the tiger gains the water. And... What's the matter?

[24:08]

The dragon... Oh, sorry. The dragon gains the water. So, at Green Gulch, we've been talking a lot about dragons. What's the matter, Mark? Why'd you go like that? Does that mean yes? Does this mean... Does no mean yes? No, no means no. Well, anyway, I now have a nice collection of rhinoceroses which have been given to me because of studying Case 25 of the book Serenity. I also have a nice collection of... Some other animal. What is it? Huh? Armadillo. No, that's Charlie's collection. You have a bull collection. Oh, bull collection, yeah. Bull collections from ten ox-herding pictures. So, I got a bull collection and a rhinoceros collection. And dragons are all over Green Gulch. But now it's time to start a tiger collection

[25:09]

because we're in the mountains now. I also have a Mickey Mouse collection. And somebody took one of my Mickey Mouses. I don't know who. I hope they're happy. There's a real cute one. It's a little statue of Mickey Mouse. Sort of like this, taking off his hat like this. I had it in front of one of my Buddha statues. But somebody took it. So, you got it, right? I mean, that's it.

[26:15]

It's clear, isn't it? Oh, wait a minute. I can think of one scholar, anyway, who thinks that Dogan just made all this stuff up because he couldn't understand Ruijing's Chinese. What do you think of that? Made what stuff up? Oh, just the drunk body and mind and all this stuff. He just cooked it up. You mean he made up that going beyond everything is what all Buddhas do? Yeah. And that cross-legged sitting upright in Zazen does that. Oh, he didn't say that. Dogan didn't even say that. He didn't even say that. That would be putting a snare around Zazen to say that Zazen did something. This stuff happens at the same time as Zazen. Anyway, he made that up, too. Well, to me, he made that up

[27:21]

and Shakyamuni Buddha and his boys made up this Prajnaparamita. They made that up, too. To me, the Prajnaparamita, this business about this fearful symmetry business, the fact that you are constantly going beyond you by the very fact that you are you, Buddha made that up. That is what Buddha makes up. Buddha makes up that the fact that you're you constantly goes beyond you. So then again, the Buddha named Dogan made that up again. He went beyond all the previous Buddhas and he also said the fact that what they said is not what they said, therefore I say what they said. And I think that when I listen to the teachings, Buddha's last teachings that we've been reading at night, to me it sounds so much like Dogan. It sounds so close to this.

[28:22]

He says it over and over again, single-mindedly pursue the path of liberation and most of all, let go of any kind of self-indulgence. In other words, drop our body and mind. Forget about the self. The self does not want to study the self. As soon as the self is born, the self immediately turns away from itself. This is what our dear friend Vasubandhu says, right? As soon as the self is born, every moment the self is born, what does the self want to do? The self wants to, is proud of the self, I've got a self, it's great, I love the self. And everything you see is from that point of view. And also, you turn away from the self because if you looked at it, you wouldn't be able to be so proud of it. You wouldn't be able to love it.

[29:26]

Not because it's bad or good, but because it's not the self. And you wouldn't be able to love what is not it. So, if you want to love it and be proud of it and see everything from that point of view, also ignore it, turn away from it. This is the way to be self-indulgent. Don't study the self, don't practice Buddhadharma, and don't forget the self. Remember the self in secret. So, to me, Buddha saying that, Vasubandhu saying that, and what Dogen is saying, I hear the same voice. And I hear all of them making it up. All of them. Because they're poets. And everybody is poetic. Constantly.

[30:27]

Life is auto-poetic. Life is auto-poesis. Life is constantly making itself and making up its world. Those who study that participate in that. And then all this wonderful stuff happens in the self-fulfillment samadhi. You fulfill the self because you realize the self is coming to you by all these wind and water and fire benefits. The grease and traces are helping you. The mountains and rivers are creating your life. They're teaching you what your self-fulfillment is, and you in turn, through practicing a practice which goes beyond self-intelligence,

[31:31]

you turn around and benefit them. Dogen made that up. Now, what are you going to make up? What are you going to do after you feed the tiger? Now. Now's now, right? It's the third day of sitting. We're almost to the halfway point in a seven-day session. Usually on the third day, also towards the end of the second day, I noticed last night there weren't too many people in the meditation hall. Some people took little naps that went till 10 o'clock. Some people, I don't know what they were doing. Anyway, second day, things get a little hard. Third day, people have a hard time too often. Unfortunately, this is not a seven-day session. It's a million-day session.

[32:35]

And you've just been feeding the tiger for three days, or two days. I hope that you continue to feed this tiger for the rest of your lives. I I am not an automaton. Sometimes I am, but I vow to not be an automaton. I vow to not sit zazen and follow the schedule and worship Buddha and do doksan and read scriptures on automatic pilot. I vow to do it from loving to do it. I love to do it. I vow to not do it if I don't love doing it. I don't want other people

[33:40]

to do it as automatons because they think they're supposed to, to do it mechanically, without checking to see if this practice is feeding the tiger that you can't see, that's beyond hearing and seeing. This is my faith, and faith in Buddhism is not that I believe in something. It's my commitment and my confidence based on a conviction, based on putting down my life on this teaching. I'm going to do that. This is where I'm putting my life this time, on a lineage of people who make up the universe and get their teacher wrong and make people forget about their teacher. Plato was very upset with Homer

[34:41]

because Homer got Greek history wrong, but she got it wrong in a way that made people forget about the right. All of us are getting the Buddhadharma wrong, but the way you're getting it, if it's alive, will make people forget about the right Buddhadharma because the right Buddhadharma is constantly going beyond itself. The right Buddhadharma is always not the right Buddhadharma. The Eightfold Path is not the Eightfold Path. Right effort is no effort. The Buddha did not teach

[35:48]

anything. Just drop body and mind. But I'm repeating myself. Even spiritual tigers have schedules. I asked a week or so ago if we could have a session and I heard that there was some problem with having it. So I'm glad we got to have this session. I think it was helpful to practice here. I hope so. So we can sit some more today

[36:54]

if you want to. If you are desirous of sitting, please sit. And I want to thank the people who are cooking and driving cars and stuff like that to make possible this sitting. Thank you.

[37:54]

I grieved at the thought that probably, regardless of my efforts, when I get back to Green Gulch, I won't be able to sit upright, cross-legged, as much as I do here. And so when I get back to Tassajara, I'll be able to sit upright, but later this month I'll be kind of out of shape. So the session will probably be kind of hard for me. Maybe that's good that it's hard for me, that it'll be hard for me. But I'll try.

[39:31]

I'll try. I'll try. I have a question. Am I respectful of you? Do you have to answer? I feel like you are, although I might qualify that a little bit, which is sometimes your tone of voice is like

[40:59]

a very powerful, it's a very powerful energy. It's kind of like pushing me, pushing me to do something, or pushing me, I feel like I'm being pushed by your teaching. I think that if I'm not careful, I can see that it's disrespect, but then on the other side I think it's respectful because you're trying, I feel like you're trying to push me to wake up. So, sometimes I have trouble with that, but your tone of voice is so powerful. Unless I talk in a real high voice,

[42:01]

that might help. We would care. I think you should care. That's one of the most effective ways to communicate. I think it's very valuable. Anyway, I really would like to tell you that I really want to express my respect for you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I'm saying. When you do that, it feels terribly disrespectful, as though we have to work terribly, terribly hard

[43:02]

in order to do that. You never know. So, apparently, I'm going to lose no matter what I do. Sorry. So, thank you for reminding me of that. Sometimes I think, maybe I can do it right. What's happening? Yes? And I could be able to... I do, yeah.

[44:08]

Well, I think that's true, particularly when I'm yelling when people go to sleep. And then I think that may be that they're often going to sleep in self-defense. It's sort of like they feel like they're being pounded, and they say, well, if that's the case, I know how to get out of here. And it's sometimes deeply touched. Right. But my experience is sometimes I speak in a somewhat soft and melodious tone, and then I notice a lot of people go to sleep. But not just in my talks, in my talk today, but also just in general around Tassajara, I would like to know if you feel that I'm... that I'm respecting you in the way I meet you and relate to you. Yes? I feel that when I see you and I meet you around Tassajara, there is a respectful being.

[45:09]

But I don't see you and meet you that often. I feel that you're closed up somewhere. I don't see you. I don't see you very often, except when you're giving a talk or here in the Zendo. It's not often that I'll see you in the courtyard or in the dining room or at the back door or working somewhere around. I just don't see you anywhere except in the Zendo or giving a talk. So I feel that when the meetings happen, they're respectful, but otherwise you seem to be practicing seclusion. I think you're respectful when you feel respectful and you know it. I said I think he's respectful when he feels respectful and I think he knows it then.

[46:12]

And I think sometimes you try to be respectful when you're not feeling a lot of respect and I think that's hard for you and for us. And I don't think it has to do with how loud or how soft you are. I think it has to do with when you when you feel respected. And in general I would say that you do respect us. And sometimes I don't think we do. And maybe sometimes we don't even deserve it on one level though of course on another level we always deserve respect. And so it looks like sometimes I forget the level upon which you always deserve respect. Do you? That's my good person. I'm a part of a large group. And I know that exactly

[47:14]

it feels disrespectful but it feels I feel my experience of it is I feel I feel invaded and then I realize why do I feel like I have to talk about it I don't have to respond at all, it's not necessary so maybe that's one stuff. I don't think it was disrespectful but I do feel disappointed that the docusign stopped. The docusign stopped? Disappointed in that. It didn't stop. Well it's been like this for several weeks now and it hasn't come up yet. It just slowed way down. It didn't stop. I'm very much disappointed. I'm sorry. I broke my teeth.

[48:14]

Yes? Maybe it isn't being vulnerable so I thought there was some people with respect asking us even though I don't necessarily feel like I have to talk about it or talk about it. Because here's part of the discomfort is the reason why I'm asking is because I wonder if I'm teaching respect

[49:20]

if I'm teaching respectfulness I wonder if that's I wonder if my practice of trying to do that is coming across if you see it. But I also want I'm not going to ask each one of you maybe I might forget to ask one of you but I want you all to know that I'm wondering if that practice that I'm trying to do of respecting every single thing and person and animal if that I wonder if that's coming across I wonder if it is but I also want you to know that I'm wondering if it is and that that's a practice that I'm doing rather than me tell you that you should do it I want to ask you if you see I'm doing it. Because if I'm not doing it why should I ask you if you're doing it or ask you if you want to do it First of all I want to know if it's coming across and I do want to know if it's coming across and I want you to know that I that I I want it I want to do this practice and I want and I want to know

[50:24]

if if I'm doing it and it's I think what Barbara said is true I know but I don't know if it's coming across because sometimes the way I express respect is ironic not sarcastic I can be sarcastic too but I'm sometimes ironic in the way I express my respect which well like I might tell the person who made an outstanding remark that they're stupid yeah like Charlie Charlie I call Charlie the evil one I hope everybody understands that this is you know this is a compliment it doesn't mean that he's good it doesn't mean that he isn't evil it means it means that he's good

[51:24]

Charlie's good but he's also just like the rest of us right which which some of us should remember that but mostly it means that he's good beyond good and evil that he's alive that you know that I love him that's what it means but it's an ironic way of putting it that's Zen style you know irony is the primary rhetorical technique of Zen and you know I'm somewhat of a traditionalist so but does that come across as respect yes or not and like Linji's saying to his great disciple finally who would have thought my Dharma would be destroyed by a blind ass this is this is what he says as he's confirming his successor so I wonder you know yes I think

[52:25]

this example is showing that it's incredibly complex and it's incredibly moment by moment different so I think respect is then if one if I don't feel like it's respectful or it falls into one of whatever is going on with me and hurts me then I go and check it out and I go and ask him this is what I heard and this is what I felt is not what you meant right because if you leave it when you're there and you only think it's respectful you won't know so it's it's a dynamic thing and sometimes and sometimes maybe then respectful if you really meant it and it wasn't respectful to say it wasn't respectful I mean to really check this out on both sides right and my tone of voice

[53:25]

is part of it you know I realize that I'm I'm almost yelling at you sometimes but that's actually my choice to do it that way and I but I don't mean it as disrespectful but if it feels that way then then if you tell me maybe I can yell in a slightly different tone or something once I know I can I change so it's complex I have a question one one occasion maybe one of the only occasions I wondered about your practice of respect was when I've been jisha sometimes and I'm struggling with umbrella incense stick slippers flashlight and other decrements and you're already somewhere out towards the flats and I I just wondered did you forget about me or sometimes I see other jishas also yeah struggling to keep up yeah I wondered about that

[54:25]

I feel that way too but you know I'm not I'm not saying to make an absolute rule about it but that's the way that was transmitted to me Suzuki Roshi did not wait around for me to get my stuff together he just went off and in a way I feel in one sense I should be a good host and sort of serve the jisha you know and just sort of wait and say how's it coming dear that's one side on the other side I want to treat you just like Suzuki Roshi treated me and then walk off so I want to include you in the reenactment of an ancient drama which doesn't preclude making a new

[55:26]

version of it in ancient form or making a new version which doesn't even look anything like the ancient form like the teacher waiting but the whole thing is is just set up in some sense to do this ancient thing of the teacher marching off leaving the jisha behind in this pile of equipment pardon? it is Gutei's finger either way definitely it could be Gutei's finger to stay and you know say well could I carry some of that stuff for you that could be Gutei's finger too and also I always remember that you couldn't do anything till I got there with the incense anyway so I'd meet you at the next altar still and also

[56:37]

another thing is is that jishas do learn wonderful arts of coping with all this stuff I do notice that like Daigu he's right there behind me somehow in the new jisha when I leave the kaisan this really is unfair it's disrespectful because I get to go in there and do this real cool thing bow to Suzuki Roshi offer incense come back and do these nice bows then I leave the jishas got to like put out two lanterns and the candle plus the jishas carrying stuff this is pretty tough try it and I'm just trotting off you know I do feel sorry for them back there in whatever who know what hell they're in I feel sorry for them but I don't want to

[57:37]

look back and see it it would really be something and I was looking like tiger eyes devil eyes what are you doing there that's not the way to put those things out don't blow the candle do like this teaching that one you know put the candles out like this knock the candle over who knows what's going on back there I just trot off to my little next you know heavenly event but I have been jisha and I have changed chased various doshis I've done it and I had my problems and they never waited for me and so my respect is to treat you as I was treated and I was I felt honored to be put in such a situation

[58:38]

I thought to myself how you know I looked at my virtue and I thought I can't see looking at myself why I get a chance to be jisha I could never see it of course I was jisha for people not like me different but anyway when I thought about who I've been jisha for I thought why do I of all the good people at Zen Center who are a lot of them much more virtuous than me why do I get the chance to be the jisha and to cope with these incense and umbrellas and gaita and robes and lanterns and candles and matches why do I get this chance I never could figure it out this is why they created the theory of past lives probably in a past life I did something pretty good so now I got the chance to be jisha so so

[59:40]

I want the other jishas that are jisha for me now to have the same chance I had and be treated like I was treated which was a great honor and great opportunity at the same time I think once in a while doing something surprising like waiting for the person would be quite appropriate when it's appropriate so I don't know yes yeah it's the same thing when I first came to zen center you know I came for two reasons one I wanted to practice zazen I had sad zazen by myself in Minnesota and I loved it when I said zazen I thought this is what I want to do

[60:44]

with my life but I noticed that I wasn't doing it very much because it was hard and it was a waste of time and nobody was paying me or patting me on the back or anything for it and I was also having experiences which I didn't know whether I should go to a psychiatrist for or go on TV so I thought maybe I need a teacher and if I had a group of people that sat maybe I could sit more often which I really wanted to do so I came to zen center and I found a teacher and he was okay but he really kind of ignored me in a way so and I'm not saying I should do things the way he did it but I knew when he was I felt when he was ignoring me that he was doing it that he knew I was there all the time and that he really cared about me even though he kind of

[61:46]

ignored me and I still feel that way that that he he ignored me because well I'm not saying he thought about it that way but he wanted to let me see that I was practicing because I love zazen and I love buddhadharma not because you know the teacher liked me and the teacher gave me attention that wasn't why I was there that I would practice even though he gave me almost no attention but of course I knew he was there and I've also told you people about how I I did what I call post-practice I made myself like a piece of furniture in his life did I tell you about that? well there's a stairway at zen at the old zen center

[62:46]

on bush street at the bottom of the stairway at the bottom of the stairway at the bottom of the balustrade was a big post and whenever he went up the stairs he would just put his hand on the top of that post kind of like a bald head and walk up the stairs I made myself into that post so I went into zendo and I always sat in the same place so whenever he did the jindo in the morning he always had to go around me so I became this piece of furniture in his life that he always had to go around oh there's that place there again where you go around that guy that's that guy there I knew he knew I was there because he had to go around me he'd run into me he had to deal with me and so I knew he knew I was there and that was enough for a while because I really felt that was what he wanted to do and then after about a year and a half at zen center one day when I was going to the second time I was going down from Tassajara

[63:46]

for a practice period he came over and he said I want you to learn chanting and this is like when we first started the Doan Ryo the first Doan Ryo he wanted me to be a Doan he said I want you to learn chanting and he shook my hand and that was the first time he expressed to me any warmth but when he just his hand touching my hand I felt the warmth that I always felt was there now that's not the way he related to everybody some people he was very friendly to right away that's sometimes the way he did it and I would see him sometimes being that way like just real friendly to people he just met but he was never really friendly to me really ever but when he touched my hand a warmth came from the bottom of the universe that had no limits

[64:50]

no beginning and no end which was a confirmation of the simple practice of sitting Zazen with him for a year and a half and if he had touched me that way when I first came I would have got quite distracted I think from what Zazen is about even though that's what Zazen is about but it's not coming from somebody else so you know so I do not hug new students and touch them with the love which we feel for new students we love the new students but we leave them alone because it would distract them maybe on the other hand if somebody comes to Zen Center some guest comes to Zen Center they're not going

[65:54]

to practice Zazen anyway give them a hug nothing to lose maybe they'll come back in 20 years and try but for people actually practicing sometimes a Zen teacher leaves them alone and walks off and leaves them in a pile of incense that's what he did to me I felt as much love from him as from anybody I've ever known and he left me behind and walked off and finally he did it again and he hasn't come back and sometimes you know I wish I could just see him for a few minutes or even just five seconds if I could just see him it would be nice but he went away to help me because you know I was actually kind of lazy when he was around I would just kind of like go sit in the sun and you know

[66:55]

it was swell I was a good boy when I was in the sun but when I walked away from the sun I was a jerk so he walked off with the sun and left the jerk I had to deal with him no more sunshine but still in all this I do want to know if I'm expressing my respect I want to know if it's coming across and if it isn't coming across I do want you to tell me and I'm sorry I yelled during my Dharma talks at Tassajara at Green Gulch they have an amplification system and I can whisper you know I can whisper and it goes all over the room it's very cool I can give these

[67:56]

real calm lectures but at Tassajara I'm really kind of rude sorry yes what? I'm glad we don't have that I'd like to know at the one time when it was real stormy Catherine Thanos came down just to visit for a day and heard one of my talks and afterwards she said are you angry at us? excuse me for talking so much I'm very grateful

[69:40]

to speak with you to be here thank you [...] I vow to be a cousin to them, Buddha to the rains and to my soul, I vow to be a cousin. In the usual training situations, the doshi would not wait for the new monks to get their zazui.

[70:47]

Otherwise they never speed up. Well, if he's going to wait, I'll just keep doing it this speed. The next day Are you going to see people in cabin 5 now? Huh? It's about 10.30. So if anybody wants to have a brief dosan with me,

[71:55]

you can go to the kaisandra and wait. This demon will accommodate you.

[72:02]

@Text_v004
@Score_JJ