I'm giving this talk this evening because I think I don't understand how to make as much effort to give you silence as I do to speak to you, so I speak to you. But I think silence would be just as good a gift as what I have to say, maybe better. But it's too easy for me just to let it go at that. This way I have to suffer all day wondering what to say. And my suffering is not just, I think, it's helpful, it helps me think about where you are, what would make, what would be of use to you, what would be helpful. Or if we come and sit together, I feel like, well, I'll just go sit with them, I don't

[01:06]

have to worry so much about you. I'm not saying that's the way everyone is, but that's the way I feel, so therefore I give a talk tonight, and tomorrow I feel differently than this time I was in, but probably I won't. The strange thing is that although silence is sometimes a better gift, for me this is a bigger gift. Like maybe if you had something that you didn't really care about, but it was actually maybe a better gift, and you had something else that wasn't such a good gift, but would really be a great loss to you, or you treasure it very greatly even though most people wouldn't, that would be a greater gift from you. Like maybe if you had a little badge that said that you were a good boy or something.

[02:15]

And giving that away might be for you a greater gift than giving somebody a thousand dollars, even though they'd probably rather have the thousand dollars. And in some sense that's more important to give the greater gift, even though it's less useful to them. I want to talk a little more, give you more of my thoughts and my feelings about what it means to build a seat for awakening. And again the seat is not inside or outside, it's located, but it's not inside or outside of who you are, but it may be inside or outside of who you think you are, depending on how

[03:17]

you see yourself you may say that's inside me or outside me, but actually it's inside of who you really are. So, this seat for Buddha, I talked about how taking care of your body as you know it is part of the way that you build this seat for Buddha. And taking care of your breath as it appears to you also makes this seat, or makes this field where Buddha can be born, and the birth of Buddha can be realized, be made real, be

[04:25]

made actual. Buddha is already completely endowed in all of us, and yet we need to make a seat for the appearance. Or we need to make a seat, a field, so that the appearances of our life could be understand as the ... understood as the appearance of Buddha. To directly attempt to care for the body and breath and mind is what we recommend, and at the same time it is difficult, it may be difficult, for us to care for these things

[05:31]

thoroughly enough to really make a good seat. So, we just keep trying, again and again, to care for body, to be conscious of body, to care for breath, to breathe consciously, to care for our thoughts, to be conscious of our thoughts, and this process, if we just keep doing it more and more thoroughly, finally the seat, finally the field for Buddha is built. I told you the story before, I think, let me say it once more, didn't I? I told you the story about the World Honored One pointing to the ground, didn't I?

[06:36]

Last night did I tell you? No? Last month. Last month. So, one day the World Honored One, W.H.O., was walking along with the congregation and he pointed to the ground with his finger and said, �This is a good spot to build a sanctuary.� Indra, the monarch of the gods, took a blade of grass and stuck it in the earth and said, �The sanctuary is built.� The World Honored One, the Buddha, smiled. So this is a kind of a condensed version of what I'm talking about. First of all, the Buddha and this disciple of Buddha are telling you you have to make a seat, that this is a good place to build a sanctuary, a sanctuary, a seat, a field

[07:41]

where Buddha can live. And what do you use? You use a piece of grass right at hand to build it. And Indra was very skillful such that picking up one piece of grass and sticking it in the ground he was able to build a sanctuary all of a sudden. And then the Buddha smiled. The Buddha had already appeared and was smiling. So in one sense I'm suggesting to you that if you just keep trying and trying to care for your body and care for your breath and care for your mind, as a matter of fact, even if you try just for a second right now, that may be sufficient to build a sanctuary and the Buddha may smile. However, if your effort is not quite right, if you keep trying, eventually it will be. However, and again I say, I would like to suggest a few pointers that may aid your effort

[08:47]

in evolving. Well, first of all, I start with the gory part, which is called, what do you call it? Well, awareness of suffering. Now I would think that most people, or some people anyway, might not be interested in sitting in meditation anyway if they weren't aware of suffering. Does that seem reasonable? But even if it seems reasonable, in fact, some people who sit in meditation are not necessarily aware of suffering when they sit in meditation.

[09:50]

Like actually, I confess to you that this morning when I was sitting in meditation, I wasn't too much aware of suffering. I was actually looking at the people sitting in the zendo and I thought what nice postures they had and how nicely they were sitting, and I was quite happy with how lovely their effort was. And I was sitting there smiling. And I was quite comfortable myself too, having just a really good time. That was at 8.30 this morning, and then this afternoon at 5 o'clock I was feeling really good too. I was not very aware of suffering. Now the original impulse for me to start studying meditation in the first place, I think, had a lot to do with suffering. Sometimes my effort gets a little lazy and incomplete, and so I'm recommending to myself

[11:06]

that I reiterate and remind myself about suffering. And what I say to myself is that it is possible to sit and have a really nice time, and just sit there and really have a nice time, and to get kind of stuck in that nice time. And not actually sit in such a way that you're sitting like a Buddha. In other words, not make a seat for a Buddha, but make a seat for a pretty nice person, pretty happy person, but not a seat for a Buddha. And the seat for a Buddha is not made by holding

[12:26]

on to some happy state, and it's also not made by rejecting a happy state. A seat for a Buddha is made by, if a happy state arises, fine, and to handle that and care for that happy state with detachment. And then that happy state becomes one more blade of grass to sit on. But I propose that if I'm honest with myself, it won't be so long before I notice something about myself which might lead me to make a confession. And I don't say that to make you think that I don't think very well of myself. That's not the way I feel about that. As a matter of fact, when I say that, and if I think of myself doing that, if I imagine

[13:30]

myself sitting in meditation or carrying on my life, I imagine myself noticing that there's something about myself which might be good to confess, some perhaps not-so-virtuous quality of myself that I might confess. If I think of myself noticing that and confessing it, I don't feel bad about that, because Buddhas do that. Enlightened beings do that. They notice non-virtuous things about themselves and they confess them. So I'm not saying I really do that, but if I think about myself doing that, I don't feel like, well, geez, you're really hard on yourself. I think, no, no, if you would do that, you would be like a Buddha. When you're actually doing it, you don't feel so much like a Buddha. You feel like you sort of are becoming aware of whatever that neurotic thing is.

[14:30]

Not only do Buddhas notice these things, but to the extent that these things are noticeable, they make an exhaustive inventory of these neurotic qualities. This thorough awareness and thorough inventory of neurotic qualities is the ground upon which Buddha is born. And the seed which is planted in the ground is a seed which wants to be planted in the ground, to become thoroughly enlightened so that all beings may be benefited. But without this awareness of these confessible qualities, we're not really very well grounded.

[15:38]

Not only that, but at the dinner table the other night, someone said to me that one of the people here told him that unless you're involved in some life-threatening disease, it's pretty hard to change your basic deluded attitudes about practice. And I said, I didn't quite agree with that. I don't think you have to be involved in a life-threatening disease, but I said I do feel like you have to kind of admit to yourself what you're up to, and that process of confessing gets you down close to the ground. And down close to the ground, there you can find a strong inspiration. And there too, you start to notice your connection with other people's suffering, and you start

[16:43]

to notice the connection between your behavior and other people's suffering, which makes you again more aware of how much you have to confess. And then as you confess more, you again realize more widely other people's suffering and your contribution to that, which leads you to become even more aware. This process may sound terrible, or terrific, it may sound terrific, but it is a process that the Buddhists say that they all go through. And they don't just go through it once and for all and forget about it. They continue this process throughout. Because of the guest season and not wanting to shock the guests who have various kinds of religious backgrounds, we stopped our daily confession ceremony.

[17:43]

But before that, we were doing a daily confession as a group. Not particular confessions, a general confession as a group. And the individuals may, as they're confessing in general, individual qualities may pop up while they're doing that. But it's a daily affair, this confession. And then confession, as you start to become aware of these things, and you start to become aware of their ramifications, you may then also decide to repent. And repent means, not that you punish yourself again, exactly. Well, you sort of punish yourself again by reviewing these things. You think of them again and they hurt again, or you realize how they hurt others. And then you feel again a motivation to make some maybe radical changes in your life.

[18:46]

For example, not to do that kind of thing anymore. And to become enlightened so that you won't do those kinds of things anymore. Not to be selfish anymore, not to be unkind anymore. As a matter of fact, to be generous and to be kind. You decide to make a radical commitment to be completely generous and patient and kind and so on to everybody. And you really mean it. And you really mean it because you realize what you have been doing and you realize, you start to see how troublesome that is to you and other people. So the result of this kind of process is not that you feel down in the dumps. You are down in the dumps. But you're so far down in the dumps, you only can go up. You get yourself down to the bottom so that you can look and see how wonderful everybody else is. And you can also see how, if you're not really good, it hurts these wonderful people.

[19:51]

Therefore, you want to do good things for these wonderful people. So the whole process is conducive to you continuing such a process. And out of this cycle of awareness of suffering and confession and repentance and confession, and repentance round and round, you produce this great strong spirit to become completely effective at benefiting all beings. And a great strong vow comes up out of you to do all kinds of beneficial practices to help people. And also, the way you approach your simple practice of caring for your body and your breath and your thoughts also gets revolutionized and energized. Here's an example of a confession. It's called a father's poem.

[20:52]

This is a poem to my son, Peter, who I have hurt a thousand times. Whose large and vulnerable eyes have gazed in pain at my ragings. Whose thin wrists and fingers hung boneless in despair. Pale and freckled back bent in defeat. Pillow soaked by my failure to understand. I have scarred, through weakness and impatience, your frail confidence forever. Because when I needed to be strict, you were there to be hurt. And because I thought you knew you were beautiful and fair, your bright eyes and hair.

[22:01]

But now I see that no one knows that about himself. But has to be told and retold until it takes hold. Because I think anything can be killed after a while, especially beauty. So I write this for life, for love, for you, my oldest son, Peter, age 10 going on 11. Maybe we could all write a poem of confession like that. About how we treated perhaps our son or our younger brother or our daughter or our younger sister.

[23:06]

Or perhaps a friend. It's a poem where he admits what he did and he admits that, you know, when we think somebody's beautiful, we think they know, but they don't. We think we can call them ugly because they know they're beautiful. We know they're beautiful, so we think we can call them ugly. But we can't. And when we find out, we write a poem of apology and then we dedicate ourselves to change and to be more gentle and to love life and protect life. And to find out if people know they're beautiful and whether they know they're beautiful and they're sure they're beautiful before we tell them they're ugly. We only tell them they're ugly when they're sure they're beautiful to test, to make sure that

[24:14]

they're so sure they're beautiful that they can withstand us telling them they're ugly. This is the later stages of Zen practice. When the monk comes and tells the teacher, I am the beautiful one. I understand Buddhism. And the teacher says, you are a lily-livered demon. Get out of here. So there are stories like that, but they're for people that are very confident, who don't have a frail confidence, who have a powerful unshakable confidence. And then the teacher in the story pushes to see if it's really rock solid and adaptable. But until that time the teacher does not say these harsh words but fosters confidence. But sure enough a father, maybe particularly a father, looking at a beautiful child thinks the

[25:15]

child must know. It's so obvious that he thinks he can yell or something. Well you can't. He found out. So this is his confession and you can feel his resolve, can't you? A willingness to accept the suffering of others and live and to sit in the midst of the suffering of others can be born out of the confession of our deeds. The confession of our deeds, of our non-virtuous deeds, helps us, I think, be willing to enter into the world of other people's suffering and to sit there. And by sitting in the midst of their suffering and feeling and being empathic to their suffering, this great vow to do all that's necessary to benefit people and to learn about the teaching of Buddha is born. Which includes the vow to continue to confess, to continue to keep your feet on the ground, and to keep your like water, to keep yourself close to the ground

[26:21]

so that you can appreciate everything. So this is another way to build this field where Buddha will be born, where Buddha will come when it's built. So a field for Buddha, build a Buddha land for Buddha. Buddha is coming to town. Let's sprinkle the earth with water so it's not too dusty.

[27:32]

Let's tidy up the place. Let's put some banners up. Let's align ourselves with Buddha before Buddha arrives, before Buddha appears. Let's root for Buddha before Buddha appears. Let's praise Buddha before Buddha appears. Let's confess our non-virtue and repent it. Let's praise everybody else in the town. Let's praise all the village people so that we see Buddha's coming to our town and Buddha should come to our town because we've got great people in our town, wonderful people. Buddha will have a good time when Buddha comes here. There's a bunch of bums here and Buddha will come in and be disappointed except for me. Buddha might even come to see me but definitely Buddha will come to see these

[28:45]

other people. They're really wonderful. They will attract Buddha because they're really Buddha's children. Buddha wants to come and see all his children. This town is decorated by wonderful devotees of the Buddha way. And then, please, even though I can't see Buddha yet, I beg Buddha to teach. I beg Buddha to come and teach. I beg Buddha to appear in this world and teach. And I also beg Buddha not to leave but to stay. Even before Buddha arrives I vow to ask Buddha to stay. And, again, I vow to do all the practices which Buddhas have done like the ones I just mentioned. Plus, Buddhas have always cared for their body. They've always been breathing consciously. They always care minutely for their mental events. They always do that. They're always meditating

[29:51]

on these things carefully. They are committed to awareness of the phenomenal experience of life. And also, out of this ground, out of building this Buddha field, is a great vow to do everything necessary to help other beings and to help them make a seat. I can't take away another person's pain but I can help them make a seat where they'll stop taking themselves so seriously and Buddha will come and appear. I can help that way. And after I've done all this, or rather, after I've seen the birth of the intention and the vow

[31:00]

to do all this, because all these things are endless, but when the vow to do all these things is born, after all that, then in addition to that, I dedicate all the goodness that comes from making these vows and committing myself to do all these good things, I give away all that and I dedicate that to all of the people making Buddha fields, Buddha seats, Buddha lands from their place and through their life, by their life. And then again, out of all those vows comes one more vow, the big vow, the vow to simply drop body and mind.

[32:05]

And in other words, drop everything I just said and have no fixed idea about what any of that means and just realize the Buddha way without any hesitation. And then, when all that's done, the Buddha land is built for a moment, and we wait to see if Buddha smiles. The sanctuary is built. And then the next moment, start all over again. Do everything I just said again and again and again. in comments,

[33:40]

so so feel a little like I'm running out of space

[34:51]

in my storage room for the inventory of neurotic tendencies and it seems to be blocking my view just in doing everyday activities, so what can I do? You're running out of storage space? In making my inventory of neurotic tendencies. What do you mean by storage space? Well, as I make it, like I fill up a sheet and put it in a box, and fill up a sheet and put it in a box, and I've got all the boxes now. Uh-huh. And it's so bulky that I'm carrying it with me in my activities in the day, and so there seems to be sort of blockage. Do you feel, yes?

[35:56]

He said that he's got this big bulky wad of inventory paper about all about neurotic tendencies he's noticed someplace or other. And it's getting to be kind of a burden? Well, it seems to color my activity, and so I think I'm like... What color does it make it? It makes it the color of bulky neurotic inventory. Is it kind of bending you down to the ground? Uh, well, it's just I feel like I'm a little repeating myself, like I'm saying stinginess with the color of bulky neurotic inventory. I'm writing that, whereas earlier I already wrote stinginess. So before, some time ago you said stinginess, and then again you noticed stinginess? Yeah, colored with the fact that I'm so heavy with this inventory.

[37:07]

So before you noticed stinginess, then you noticed stinginess again, you said this stinginess now is getting heavier than last stinginess? Yeah. I'm getting... Are you getting bent down by all this stinginess? Are you getting closer to the ground? Yeah. Are you afraid what's going to happen to you if it gets heavier and pushes you down further? Are you worried for your health? No, I just, I don't want to be a drag on you. It's a daily function. A daily function. Right. Are you the kind of lowliest of low around here? Or is there somebody that's lower, is there somebody lower than you? No, I'm sure I'm equal to the lowest. Are there some people around here who you notice how excellent they are?

[38:17]

Sure. Can you appreciate how excellent almost everybody around here is? Some of the time, almost everybody. At the time you appreciate that, do you feel bogged down by those things? Not right at that time. Right. A moment later. I think that that feeling you're talking about is part of the process and it seems like it's working. If you're actually appreciating people around here, some of the times almost all of them? Sometimes. Yeah. Some of the times almost all of them? Sometimes. Yeah, some of the times almost all of them. But when you get to the point where sometimes, just sometimes, doesn't have to be all the time, just at one moment when you appreciate all of them, then I would say to you this huge heavy weight of recollection and inventory

[39:19]

of your neurotic behavior has, your recollection has become fruitful. Yeah. We have to be... Again, I think it's better than a life-threatening disease, don't you? I can't say that. I think it's better. Because your practice is starting to work and it's good that you're going to be able to live a little longer after it starts to work. I think it's good. Life-threatening diseases when they come, it's great that they also turn people around. Like what's this guy, this senator, what's his name? Got a disease recently? He's a real tough-minded senator, Atwater, right? Lee Atwater, is that his name? He's a real tough guy, like a real bully in the Senate, isn't he? And he got cancer, right? And he says, I never thought I'd say it, but I'm seeing how wonderful these other people in the Senate are. So this heaviness is a scent, it's like a disease.

[40:24]

And it's not pleasant to look at. And when you do it to such an extent that not only you say, oh well there's some stinginess and that's not very nice, well there's some more that's not very nice, but after a while this is actually getting obnoxious. This is actually getting heavy. Actually, I'm not sure this is healthy. Maybe I should stop and go back to this, just forgetting about this stuff. One of the ways to tell if it's working is if, as you go down, if other people stay below you. If they stay below you, that's a bad sign. But if they start coming up when you go down, it's working. And when you get all the way down, then everybody will not exactly be above you, but that you'll be able to appreciate everybody. And that's absolutely necessary for us to really want to help people. Because we're not going to really want to help people if we don't appreciate them. Or at least I would say it helps a lot to appreciate them and see how wonderful they are.

[41:26]

And so I think what you're saying, actually, although it's obnoxious work, it's dirty work, it's partly working. And what we need to do in that case is also, again, as I said before, develop these subtle hands which can learn how to pick this stuff up without holding on to it so tightly that it makes you want to quit noticing it. But to pick it up in such a way that it just makes you come down to who you are, to realize that you really are, and I really am, really, truly, honest to gosh, an ordinary person. And I proposed to you that a Buddha is somebody who is really growing up out of an ordinary person. A really ordinary person. But for us to get down there and not overdo it so that we start thinking that we're worse than ordinary,

[42:30]

or there's something, I don't know what, so that it's so bad that people start trying to talk us out of the process because we're manifesting illness around it or something. We're holding on so tightly to it. What you just said is saying that you want to avoid a practice that is harming you. Right. Overly. Pardon? Overly harming you. No, not overly harming you, harming you at all. It should benefit you. This practice should benefit you every step of the way if possible. However, you do make mistakes along the way, but making mistakes in this process should be learning experiences. So you learn, oh, I confessed, but this wasn't the actual proper kind of confession. Like, you know, I use this example. One time I was riding with my wife in the car. We were in a traffic jam and I tried to avoid the traffic jam

[43:31]

and I turned into a worse traffic jam. And I said, well, that was the stupidest thing I ever did in my life. And she said, even when you're confessing, you're complimenting yourself. So, you know, you can get more and more skillful at handling this potentially difficult material called our own non-virtue. There's a way to handle it. One way to handle it, the way most people handle it, or I don't know who most, I actually don't have a census, but the way a lot of people handle it, especially a lot of Zen students, is they don't really notice it. That's one way to handle it. That's called denying its existence. Like, that's called it isn't. The other way of handling it is, it is. That's also not so good. It's actually equally bad from it isn't. But in the process of noticing it, it comes into the it is side, which isn't quite right.

[44:35]

You're not really those things you're noticing. But if you pick them up the wrong way and put them into it is category, it will hurt you. But learning that it hurts you is beneficial to you. Handling the material is definitely beneficial, and making mistakes and learning from those mistakes is beneficial. So the whole process leads you to become more and more skillful at admitting your own humanness. And it should be beneficial and possible all the way along. If the Dharma, if you're following the Dharma in the way of doing this, if you're following the teaching of how to do this, it will be beneficial at the beginning, even when you're still making mistakes. Because you will notice that they're mistakes, and you may have to make a certain type of mistake many times before you drop the habit. Or a particular type of problem, you know, like stinginess or something,

[45:36]

we may have to notice it many times before we learn how to relate to it in a balanced way. After which, these awarenesses of non-virtue, in such a way that they bring you down to the earth with detachment. And then you grow, then your vow comes up from there. But it sounds to me like you're in the process and you're learning, and this heaviness is part of probably admitting, switching from it isn't over to it is. And that's a bit of a mistake, but you gradually will probably learn how to be aware of stinginess or whatever it is. In a more detached way, and then it will just be totally beneficial to you. Because it will keep putting you right back in your humanness, which we are, but with no adverse side effects, just simply humanness. Which gives you a sense of being connected to all the other ones, who aren't any better than you, but are wonderful.

[46:38]

And you are too. From down here, I can tell you that. Thank you for your practical application. Anybody else have any practical applications? Practical problems? Are you doing this practice, by the way? Good. That's great. It's not easy to do it. But as I said, all the Buddhas do it. That's what they say anyway. The Buddhas are always confessing. Why are they confessing? Because they're human. And when you're human, you have various neurotic problems. They sort of come with the deal. But you can become free of these things if you're aware of them.

[47:46]

If you're aware of them just right, in this middle way between ignoring them and saying that they're real. That's what Buddha can do. I guess you got the idea, huh? I guess I'm waiting to extract a commitment from you. I'll pass a little sheet around. Doing the practice of looking at other people, individual people, and also individual animals and plants and trying to see how wonderful they are is another way to get at this. Because if you have trouble seeing how wonderful a person is, that is a hint to you that you're not looking at yourself very clearly.

[48:57]

So if you have some obstruction to appreciating someone, then just turn around and look at you. Then that says, oh, the obstruction must be that I'm I've lifted myself up too high above myself. So that's why I'm looking. I can't see how good this person is because I think I'm so great. If you think you're really great, in fact, most other people do not look too good. Only the really great ones. So if you can't appreciate some people, then just get yourself down to where you are and then you'll be able to, even so-and-so. Fortunately, although you know other people's problems and you do know their problems and they've got plenty of them, fortunately, being located in yourself, you know actually that you have plenty too, even more than you know about them. If you were in them, you'd know that they probably have more than you, but you don't.

[49:59]

So you can work at this from either side, either by work like Fletcher was doing, looking at himself and then seeing if it's, seeing how that works, or try to work at appreciating others. And then if you have trouble, then go back and work on yourself again. Both of these together, as they develop intensity and depth and width, will give birth to this vow to benefit others and the vow to make the necessary efforts in various aspects that I mentioned, you'll be able to do it. But it's not easy work, it's kind of dirty work. It's a way to simulate a life-threatening disease.

[51:03]

So that when a life-threatening disease comes, you'll already be doing the work which you, which such situations tend to inspire. OM NIRVAYA SRIKANTHAKU

[52:14]

LUSHMILO PADRO SRIKANTHAKU BEINGS ARE NUMBERLESS I AM THE CONDENSATION DIVISIONS ARE INEXHAUSTIBLE I ALLOW TO END THEM PARADISES ARE BOUNDLESS I ALLOW TO ENTER THEM BUDDHA'S WAY IS UNSURPASSABLE I ALLOW TO BEGIN OM NIRVAYA SRIKANTHAKU

[53:02]

@Text_v004
@Score_JJ