In response to what I have understood to be an invitation, I've been going around the world, or at least the English-speaking part of it, or where people can understand English part of it, and again, I understand that I'm being invited to bring up what I'm interested to bring up, and lately I've been interested in the true path of enlightenment, and so I've been mentioning to various people around that the true path of enlightenment is to sit upright, in order to be upright, in a posture which has nothing to do with sitting,

[01:01]

and practice in the midst of the self-fulfilling samadhi. And this samadhi is, in practicing this samadhi, there is a continual awakening going on, so awakening to a reality, or the reality, or I guess a reality maybe, awakening to a reality that, or the type of reality which is that all beings are supporting us to live, and we are supporting all beings to live. Practicing in the midst of that awakening is the true path of awakening. And I've gotten the feedback, not just here, during this retreat, but also

[02:12]

in foreign lands, from various people, that the way they might put it is, this is not my experience, that all beings are supporting me to live and I'm supporting all beings, this is not my experience. And I don't believe that. I appreciate you coming to give the talk, but I don't believe, and I don't experience what you're talking about. And I say over and over, I'm not asking you to believe it, but I would suggest you understand it. If you want to live the path of true enlightenment, I think it's good if you understand this. So you don't have to believe it, but maybe listen to it and contemplate it. And as you

[03:16]

listen to it and contemplate it, in fact, you might keep coming back to me and say, hey, this is not my experience. And I don't feel like my practice is coming from this experience or this understanding. I don't feel like I'm practicing in the midst of this awareness. But this feeling of not, of that you're, when one feels this way and reports it, one is according with many ancient examples of great ancestors who have also expressed to their teacher, this is not my experience, this Dharma thing. They honestly said, this

[04:25]

is not my experience. So yesterday, I think Charlene asked a question like, something like, when things happen and it's really hard to accept that this is supportive, when you feel really shocked and knocked off balance by what's happening and you don't feel like, oh, this is so supportive of my life, what do you do? And then I asked her, what do you think? And she said various things, but the one thing she didn't bring up which I mentioned is, confess that, I forgot the teaching or I don't see the teaching right now. This doesn't seem like support what's happening. I don't see this like, oh, great, this is so supportive of my life. I don't feel like that. I feel like this is like hard to understand as supportive,

[05:33]

or even if it's hard to understand as supportive, it's really uncomfortable the way it's supportive, etc. Anyway, I confess. So, the principle of the vow which we chant at the beginning is, number one, I vow to hear the true Dharma, and that if I hear it, either I vow to maintain it, or by hearing it, I will renounce worldly affairs. When I hear the true Dharma, I will renounce worldly affairs, or something like that. I vow to hear the true Dharma, to either let it in, and then I vow to, when I hear it, I will maintain it, and I will renounce worldly affairs. And when I hear and renounce worldly affairs, then I will be able to maintain the Bodhidharma. This kind of vow we chant at the beginning, but then he says, but because

[06:43]

of karmic accumulations, it's kind of hard to do that practice. So, again, people are basically demonstrating that, and they're coming and showing that because of karmic accumulations, it's hard to hear this Dharma, and it's hard to give up worldly affairs. But again, although this is really difficult, and so on, and people are also saying, this is not my experience, and I feel sorrow that it's not. Or, this is not my experience and I feel sorrow that I do not experience the world as supporting my life. It's, I feel the great sorrow that I don't feel grateful for everything that's happening. And then I say, well, that's repentance. That's sorrow that you feel unsupported by all beings, and

[07:51]

the actions which arise in you because you feel unsupported, and the sorrow you feel over those, that's feeling that sorrow is repentance. And confessing that you don't see this world and you're not awakened to this reality, that's confession. This confession and repentance, again, has been practiced apparently by ancestors, and they say that if you do this practice, or if this practice can happen, this melts away the root of veering away from, transgressing away from this reality, which we naturally transgress. We naturally drift away from this awareness of reciprocal assistance and support. We innately veer away from that by our addictions, our addictions to basically existence and non-existence, or addiction to taking the view of existence and non-existence, or etc. All these ways

[08:57]

we veer away, we transgress, but by confessing not just our transgressions but also our lack of seeing this interdependence, we melt away the root of this transgression. But it's a hard practice, a hard and sorrowful practice. And the more I talk about this, the more people, and the more we chant this vow to practice confession and repentance, and the more we say that this practice of confession and repentance, in the context of this practice of confession of the vow to hear the true Dharma, the more we do that, this is the pure and simple color of true practice, the true body of faith, the true mind of faith. The true body of faith includes that you say, I don't believe this. At least you believe, I think it's good to

[10:06]

tell the truth. I truthfully say that for me, I do not see the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas assisting me. I don't see it, I don't experience it, and I feel sorrow about it. People are doing this. It's kind of sorrowful, but it's also kind of wonderful that people are actually acting like the ancient practitioners who had the same problem. Centuries, for centuries and centuries and centuries, people, for centuries, millions of people have tried to practice this way and have expressed, I do not experience this, I have not awakened to this reality, and I am in sorrow about it. And I'm in sorrow about other things too, which maybe Reb will

[11:14]

mention later. But although it's a little bit hard for me to hear this, a little bit painful to hear people saying, you know, this is not my experience, I don't believe, all those different ways, and also it's sorrowful, and even like getting angry at me for bringing up something like this. I don't mean to force it on you, but you're making me, you're requesting me, keep putting it out there. I hear your request. Now if you all say, no, [...] you misunderstand, we really want you to shut up. I will shut up. If it's very clear. Just

[12:16]

go like this. Make that T sign, I'll stop. But then if I think I'm invited again, I'll start. So you have to keep stopping me. The young monk, Tungshan, somehow wound up in a Zen monastery, or some kind of Buddhist temple in China, back in the Tang Dynasty, and he was hearing the Heart Sutra, in Chinese probably, and when it got to the part about in emptiness there's no eyes, no ears, no nose, no tongue, and so on, he said, excuse me, I have eyes, and ears, and nose, and so on, why does the Heart Sutra say not, that's not my experience. And the teacher said, hmm, okay, you get a new teacher. That young

[13:24]

monk that he had the courage and honesty to say, hey, wait a minute, I just want to make clear that this is not my experience with this Heart Sutra thing. But in the end, he sang the Precious Mirror Samadhi. In the end, he said, you are not it, it actually is you. In the end, he said, this world is like facing a jewel mirror. Everywhere you look, you see yourself in a very beautiful way. Everyone supports you. Finally, it was his experience. Finally when he looked in the water, he saw himself. Finally he saw himself in everything. He finally understood, he awoke to the reality, and then he transmitted it as it had been

[14:25]

transmitted to him. But he also was that way. Before Zen masters are, and Zen masters are just like people today that are pre-Zen master. Before Buddhas were Buddhas, they were just like us. They had the same problems that we have, if we have these kind of problems. If we feel like, I'm happy that I don't feel supported by all people, and I don't want to support anybody, it's really great, this is not their experience. Because they actually somehow, even though they couldn't understand that everyone was supporting them, they still wanted to support everybody else. They still wanted to become good people who were helping everyone, but they had not yet awoken to the reality that everyone's helping them. And there's quite a few people who say, I'm happy to help other people and I want to help other people, but I don't see that everybody's helping me. And actually I don't see that I'm helping

[15:29]

everybody. So, once you make the wish to help all the beings come, and you commit to it, then if you don't see this vision, it's good to admit it, and you probably will have some problem if you don't. So, yeah, so that's the way it is here at Green Gulch Farm now. There's quite a few people who honestly say, I have not awoken to this reality, especially when it comes to you. You, Rev, are not supporting me. And then one might ask, well, first of all, I would say that part of the way to open to this awakening is to practice renunciation,

[16:33]

so Stephen repeatedly offers that, you know, he doesn't know how to do anything without a gaining idea. When cookies are offered, it's like a big puzzle, you know, which cookie will I gain the most from? And he's been, honestly, giving other examples over the years of, like, he just can't see how to do anything without a gaining idea. Or put it the other way, he can easily see how gaining idea comes into almost all his actions, and he doesn't know why he would do anything if he wasn't going to get something out of it. Right? Yeah. So that's his confession, and so... One way to open to this reality is to become free of activity, excuse me, not so much

[17:44]

of the activity, but become free of becoming happy when you gain something, and when you lose something good, not to mention even giving up trying to do things to get stuff, so you'll be happy, not to mention that, but even when something good happens, to relate to it in such a way that you don't get jacked up by getting stuff and knocked down by losing stuff. To get to a place where people, when people are praising you, you don't get jacked up and when they're despising you, you don't get knocked down. To enter into a mind which doesn't get pushed around by gain and loss, praise and blame, and then, of course, in

[18:44]

that state, you also give up actions to get gain and avoid loss. This is renunciation of worldly affairs. And if we look at that, we may see, I have not yet found that way of being. When I get something nice, I still kind of like, don't just get something nice and say thank you, and feel grateful. Even before I feel grateful and say thank you, I feel good. I feel good when I get, and I feel bad when I lose. So that's not where I'm at. So I haven't really realized renunciation. Okay, confess that, and how do you feel about it? And get into that. And at a certain point, you might feel like, even before you feel sorrow at getting jacked up by gain and knocked down by loss, even before you get in touch

[19:50]

with sorrow about that, you might even feel like, that would be sick, or that would be stupid, or that would be inhuman or something. I don't even want to be that way. This is part of the process that you would get angry or irritated even at the idea of renunciation, of jacked up by gain and knocked down by loss. But after you calm down about that, or if you can settle down about that, then you can look more carefully at this. You can contemplate the mind of equanimity which actually doesn't pop up when you win the lottery, without even entering. Somebody else entered you, because you're not into gambling, right? Somebody just, you know, without your permission, they should have asked you, but without your permission

[20:52]

they said, wouldn't that be cute, let's go buy a raffle ticket for a Zen student, or let's buy a lottery ticket for a Zen student. And then they win, and not only did they win, but then somehow they didn't keep the money for themselves and they said, guess what, you just won 22 million dollars here. And they give it to you and you go, is that so? Like, hmm, that's interesting. A lot of people say, I don't want to be that way. And then the person says, just kidding, it's not really yours. And then you say, okay, whose is it? Or whatever, you know. I don't want to be that way. Over the last half century or so, I have occasionally watched TV and I have seen, I haven't spent

[21:58]

a lot of time watching, what do you call it, giveaway shows or whatever, where they give these people like refrigerators, and cars, and washing machines, and money, you know, they just give it to them. And then when they give it to them, the people jump up and down. They get very excited. And I don't know if they choose these people like out of the audience, like really, people are sitting in the audience kind of jumping up and down in their seats like, choose me, choose me, choose me, I'll be really excited and I'll look happy if you give it to me. I don't know how they choose these people, but usually they're very enthusiastic when they win these prizes. And also, you know, they're kind of good sports when they lose, but they usually look a little depressed when they lose. Now imagine having people, somebody going there, and they, you bring them up and they win the TV and they go, hmm. Do you want to keep the TV or do you want to go for

[23:14]

a million dollars? And they're like, no, [...] no. Yeah, just imagine Suzuki Rush on one of those shows. Can you imagine him jumping up, a TV, a TV, a washing machine, a good Zen student, a great disciple, thank you. Thank you is okay, and being excited is okay too, but about gain, I don't think the Buddha

[24:17]

gets excited about gain. I think the Buddha gets excited about people waking up. I think when the Buddha sees someone awakened to the reality, I think the Buddha is just, you know, that's the Buddha. The Buddha is like realized by that, and at that time the Buddha glows and the person glows and the whole universe glows, it's a very huge, warm, infinite light occurs, full of joy and bliss and love and peace, but not necessarily Buddha jumping up and down. And also, anyway, between now, or between this situation where it's not my experience that all beings are supporting me, and that I'm supporting all beings, it's not my experience, it's between that unawakened state and that awakened state.

[25:21]

How do we practice? How do we practice between such a state and such a state? What's the practice? Anybody? Confession and Repentance. I'm in an unawakened state today, and I feel some sorrow about it. It's not extremely like disabling sorrow, it's a sorrow which just gently, tenderly pushes me along the path to continue to meditate on this very fact, and to keep checking. Awake yet? Good morning. Awake? Well, sort of. Keep checking it out. Okay. Yes, sir. And also, between now and then, practice renunciation. In other words, give up getting excited about gain and depressed about loss. And between now and when you can practice that way, practice Confession and Repentance,

[26:28]

that you haven't yet attained the state of renunciation. In other words, you're still kind of like, Oh, my God, I can't help it. Here it comes. Here it comes. Oh, I'm happy. I won the lot. I can't help it. I was walking along the street, like Stephen said, just walking along the street, minding my own business. They come up to me and they say, You won the lottery. And this little bubble of joy came up. I couldn't help it. Like, goody, [...] goody. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I am happy I won the lottery. Now I can have my own Zen Center. And hire my own Zen students. Make up my own precepts. The precepts of this Zen Center are the ones I'm already practicing. I'm perfect. So I confess, when I won the lottery, there was a little blip.

[27:34]

Hey, Reb, when you won the lottery, was there a little blip of happiness? Did you get a little happy when you won the lottery? Yes, I'm sorry, I did. Did you feel sorrow? A little bit of sorrow in the midst of that little bit of happiness. Did you jump up and down? No, I didn't go that far. And I told you, you know, when I broke my leg, my first reaction was a little bit of, oh, darn. But then I said, relax. Got back on the practice. Okay, relax. Here we go. Here we go. And then people, some of the Berkeley people know that,

[28:36]

some of the Berkeley people know that just before, the day before I was going to go to Europe, like two weeks ago, I was going to teach a class at the yoga room in Berkeley, and I went to the Berkeley YMCA and had a nice, very lovely workout. You know, I was kind of like gaining a little bit, but watching to make sure I wasn't too happy about it. And then I walked out and over to my car and I went to where my car was, but my car was not where I thought my car was supposed to be and I walked up and down the street where I thought my car was, and it just wasn't on that street. And I thought, well, I don't really mind losing my car that much. I kind of want to get a hybrid anyway. I didn't want to go to the trouble of shopping, but, you know, now that's not a problem.

[29:49]

I don't mind the car being gone. But then I remembered, oh, but I'm going to Europe tomorrow and my passport is in the car. So this is going to... and I don't think I can go tomorrow if I don't have a passport. So then this retreat and 90 people are going to be upset. And then I also remembered two of my Buddhist robes are in the car, and what are the thieves going to do with my robes? I started to feel kind of bad about that. So anyway, there was some loss there. There was not much gain, but there was some loss, potential loss, and I had some difficulty with it. And I was walking around the streets of Berkeley, you know, maybe walking around basically one street of Berkeley, saying out loud, I was right in the middle of the street saying, Unbelievable. Unbelievable. This is happening. Unbelievable.

[30:57]

Now this street happens to be one block from the Berkeley police station, so I went to the police station. But I noticed in the police station while I was waiting for assistance, I noticed that there was, you know, my energy had been disturbed by this, my response to this unexpected positioning of my car. So, you know, so I kind of, I confessed, and I confessed that there was a disturbance there in the loss of the car and the passport and the robe and the sugar-free gum that I bought for my grandson. There was a little bit of... So I confessed that. So if there wasn't a disturbance, that would have been cool. Then I would have been saying in the middle of the street,

[32:02]

Wow, this is great, amazing. My car's gone, my passport, and it's like, cool, wow, great. This is like amazing rather than unbelievable. It's amazing. But it wasn't always more like unbelievable. So anyway, I went and I spent a while in the police station waiting for help, and then finally I got the help, and I made my report, and then the policeman said, Do you want a ride to the yoga room? Do you want a ride to the place you're going to teach? And I said, Yeah, thanks. Really nice guy. And I said, Maybe I'll just go over and show you where the car was. I'll meet you over there. He says, Okay. So I went over to where the car was, and I got to the street, and I thought... I looked at the street and I... And the street had one of those turnarounds,

[33:03]

and that's how I... And when I came there, I saw the turnaround and then parked. But then I looked and I saw the next street had a turnaround, too. So, well, maybe I parked on the next street. So I went down the next street, got to the turnaround, and I looked left. Hmm, any cars down there that look like that one I used to have? I didn't see one, but I saw something that used to be in my car, one of those bridge transponders. So it was a transponder. Maybe that's my car. Oh, yeah, it is my car. Now, when I found my car again, I did not get shot way up, though. That was pretty good. There's a little blip like, Well, I found my car.

[34:06]

Okay, now I'm going to Europe tomorrow. And it was more like, Hmm... I kind of recovered somewhat. Sometimes when you're walking along, you're minding your own business and then whacko. No, thanks. I don't want this reality. And you see how that works. Then you're kind of like, Okay, there it is. And you're kind of like, Okay, I confess. You got me. You got me, world. That wasn't, I know, I got you. Okay, all right. Okay, I got it. Okay, now I'm ready for the next one. And the next one is, Here's your car back. Okay, we got a car. I didn't go up as much for getting the car as down for losing the car. So, prior to, like, getting to a place

[35:07]

where you win the lottery and you go, Hmm... and then somebody take away your, whatever, and you go, Hmm... Prior to that place, you practice mindfulness of how you are, and you notice, shot up a little bit, you know, on one to ten, like three, three up, two down, or seven down, four up, you notice, you confess, I get jacked around by gain and loss. I confess it. And the more you confess it and feel, and repent it, the more you become this really uninteresting person on TV shows. They won't invite you to the, what do you call it, the giveaway shows, and also they probably won't invite you to talk shows. So you're just not that interesting a person. But you start to get ready to open, to awakening to the reality

[36:08]

of this thing. And then when you awaken to it, and your conduct starts coming more and more from not trying to get gain and loss because you're looking for the shoot-up that you get from it, and not trying to avoid the loss because you're trying to avoid the bring-down of it, but you're developing this equanimity so that you can practice the Buddha way. So there's a lot of confession and repentance opportunities probably coming between now and awakening. Oh, he came to me. Huh? When the policeman came? Oh, when the policeman came, he said to me,

[37:10]

he told me some, he said, he told me the various options. He said, you know, and one of the options was, if you're a very lucky guy, you'll get your car back today. Oh! So, I drove the car from where it was to where I thought it was, because where I thought it was, was where he was coming to meet me. So I had the car there, you know, on the middle of the street. I think I parked the car, I'm not sure, but anyway, I had the car there, someplace on that street, and I was standing outside the car, walking around saying, unbelievable! And the policeman drives up and he says, I assume that's your car. And I said, yes, it is. And I said, I am a really lucky guy, like you said.

[38:15]

And I said, thanks for bringing me my car. And I shook his hand and I said, I'm sorry to take your time. And he said, no problem. It was very nice to see the policeman. We had a nice meeting. But it was nice before that, too. It was, you know, I felt supported by him. And then when you're, again, when you're like sitting in Zen meditation halls, between where you are and awakening to the reality of this self-fulfilling samadhi, before you completely are centered in this samadhi, between being somewhat off-centered, and being in the center,

[39:15]

you're practicing sitting. So then how do you practice? Well, you practice not sitting to get to the center. You're not really off the center, you just don't, it's not your experience that you're at that center. You actually are there, but your experience is you're off-center. You're away from the place where all the good stuff is coming to support life. Or you think that that place doesn't exist anywhere. You actually don't believe the Buddha is sitting at the place of supporting all beings, and being supported by all beings. You don't believe it, it's not your experience. So anyway, in that situation, how do you practice to realize that? You don't practice to get to that place. You don't practice to become a Buddha. You practice as a Buddha. You practice sitting as becoming Buddha,

[40:18]

not sitting to become Buddha. And you practice being Buddha as sitting. You practice that way, even though you don't quite get it, then you confess, I don't quite get it, but that's the way I'm practicing. I'm practicing not to get something, but I'm practicing like a Buddha, which is Buddha practices as sitting Buddha. Buddha is not trying to get anything. So you practice that way, and then you keep saying, but I'm not practicing that way. I'm still trying to get something out of this practice. If Buddha somehow was in that state, Buddha would say, I'm practicing to get something out of this. But Buddha doesn't do that. But Buddha does say, before I was Buddha, that's the way I practiced too. I was just like that before I was Buddha. Buddha, Shakyamuni Buddha confessed that before he was Buddha, he had problems like this,

[41:18]

and he was embarrassed about it. He wasn't like, okay, I'm kind of like into gain and loss, and that's cool. It's more like, it's really embarrassing that I am. I feel uncomfortable about it. After his awakening, he said that's the way he was prior to it. So really Buddha was like us, if we are also confessing. If I'm into gain and loss, if that's my game, and I don't confess it, then that's not like Buddha. Buddha was into that, and confessing it, and repenting it. Buddha was not just into it. Maybe, maybe, incalculable eons before Buddha was just into gain and loss and not even aware and confessing, but for many, many lifetimes, Buddha was working with this. So we have this opportunity

[42:23]

to do the same practice that Buddha did, which is notice that our renunciation is not complete, and our realization, therefore, is somewhat blocked. But noticing that the renunciation is not complete and noticing that our awakening is not complete, and feeling sorrow about that, that is the pure and simple color of true practice. But it's kind of, it's difficult to be in that state for a long time. One person said to me, I feel hypnotized into making a commitment.

[43:25]

But my experience is that when I leave here, when I leave this retreat, or this session, or Green Gulch, or when you're not in my face hypnotizing me to make these commitments, I'm just going to be totally into gain and loss. I'll just be constantly concerned with gain and loss as soon as I leave here. And I said, well, maybe you could like have two little flags or something. I don't know what color, maybe a red flag, a green flag or something. And every time either you gain something and feel happy, just raise the red flag and jump up and down three times. I gain something and I'm happy, I gain something and I'm happy, I gain something and I'm happy. And then when you lose something, do the other one. Just to sort of dramatize and become aware of being into this. Although you may not be able to stop being concerned for gain and loss, you may be able to go, okay, that's like where I am.

[44:36]

I'm like Mr. Into Gain right now. I'm just a completely worldly person admitting that and seeing how you feel when you really admit that in a sincere way. And if you do feel a little bit of discomfort about being such a person, that will melt away the root of such concern. And we can be aware of this and we can acknowledge it. And the commitment part is the commitment, generally speaking, will accentuate this. if you feel some impulse

[45:37]

or some forces moving you towards commitment, it doesn't mean that when you commit, then after that, if you commit to the path of renunciation of concern for gain and loss, it doesn't mean that you're going to not be concerned for gain and loss, it just means that because of that commitment, you probably will be more pressured or supported to notice and confess and repent your gain and loss, your non-renunciate state. If you commit to renunciation, then when you're not practicing renunciation, there's a little bit more support there. But it comes in the form of feeling a little worse, or a lot worse, than you would if you didn't commit to renunciation.

[46:38]

Everybody really feels a little bit uncomfortable when they're not practicing renunciation. They may not be aware of it, but I suggest that they're a little uncomfortable when they're jumping up and down on the stage. I'm selling out my Buddha nature for this refrigerator. It's not that your Buddha nature is disturbed, it's just that you're selling it out. You're betraying it. But Buddha nature is totally supporting you to do that. Yes? Is there more to repentance than being sorry, or sorry pretty much the same as repentance? No, there's more to repentance than just being sorry or sorrowful. The other part of repentance is reformation. So, there's a variety of sorrows.

[47:40]

One type of sorrow is the type of sorrow which reforms you. That's repentance. If you feel sorrowful, I don't know what, like again, feeling sorry that you didn't win the lottery, that type of sorrow does not reform you. It pushes you more down into gain and loss, probably. But sorrow that you're so concerned about getting something out of life, sorrow that you're going against what you actually maybe understand all the ancestors are recommending, and you actually want to practice it, and you've committed to it, and it's not happening, and you feel sorrow about that. The type of sorrow which transforms you into the person you want to be, that's the repentance. It's fruitful sorrow, is repentance. It's not banging your head or

[48:44]

banging yourself and hurting yourself sorrow. It's enlightening, liberating sorrow. That's repentance. So, first confession, and then, how do you feel about that? Well, I feel kind of sorry. Well, just kind of sorry may be just right. Or you might feel really sorry. But really sorry could still be in the ballpark of like really sorry, and now I really want to practice this. This way of mindfulness of outflows. Mindfulness of the outflows which occur around gain and loss. Buddha's enlightenment was end of outflows, end of concern for gain and loss. And Zen teachers also taught for centuries, end concern for gain and loss. But Buddha and the Zen masters had problems with this,

[49:47]

and they confessed it, and they felt sorrowful about it, and it melted away, that practice of confession and repentance melted away the root of concern for gain and loss. And when you when you find yourself in the land of pettiness, have you ever noticed that place? I'm one of the petty people. I'm like concerned about whether I got you know, what do you call it, 15 degrees of pizza or 16 degrees of pizza. I'm like into that. I'm like into measuring whether I got a mushroom or not. This is where I'm at, you know. This is the kind of person I am. I'm like, this is a big mind, right? How many mushrooms did I get? Noticing that, and feeling sorry that you're such a petty creature, and that pettiness makes you feel like, I would like to like, next time a pizza comes, I would like to really like meet it, you know,

[50:50]

in a state of renunciation, where I could open to where all beings are supporting me and the pizza. And Suzuki Roshi, again, you know, he, what is it, he told the story of him, you know, going swimming with the students at Tassajara. Shortly after we moved to Tassajara, he went swimming with the students at Tassajara, down to this place called the Narrows. We have a swimming pool at Tassajara. I mean, you know, a natural swimming pool. And he went swimming with them, and he told us this story about, you know, the students jumped in, and then he jumped in, but he forgot he didn't know how to swim. And then, so the students went under the water, and he went under the water, and then students came up, and he didn't. And the students thought, oh, wow, he can really hold his breath a long time. Well, he's a Zen master, right? So he can probably stay on there weeks.

[51:55]

So after about a week, they thought, maybe we should go down and get him. And so they went down and got him, and actually he was, like, drowning. But anyway, he survived that one. And then he said when he was under there, he was, like, looking at the girl's legs and stuff. And he says, you know, he was kind of embarrassed. Here's a Zen master jumping in the water, kind of getting excited and jumping in the water, forgetting that he didn't know how to swim. And he says, after that, I really just started to practice hard. So even the founder of Zen Center, just a couple of years before he died, was noticing a slip-up in his mindfulness and feeling kind of bad about it, and repenting, and as a result saying,

[53:02]

I'm going to really start practicing hard now. And then at dinner, his, you know, semi-not-completely-awake students having dinner with him in the dining room, one of them says, Hiroshi, you said that after that happened, you really started to practice hard. He said, weren't you practicing hard before that? And he said, yeah, but after that, I really started to practice hard. So you can be sincere, but still, when you notice your lack of faith in practice, and you confess it, and repent it before the Buddhas, you get even more sincere. You can get more and more sincere. Anyway, today's sincerity, fresh sincerity, that kind of sorrow, of, then I really do want to practice. And it seems appropriate, since I'm an old Zen master,

[54:05]

I probably should be practicing, and I really do want to, and this sorrow really helps me. It's not debilitating sorrow, it's encouraging, transformative sorrow. That's what we mean by repentance in this context. If you feel sorry about things you do, and then you feel discouraged, that sorriness is not repentance, that's indulgence, going too far. And I've seen people go too far, and say, that's too far, come back, come back, that's too much. That's not repentance, that's self-pity, blah, blah. You know, this is another mistake. Come back, that's the right amount. Okay, now, that pushes you to practice. Over here is like, just pulls you down. It's just lots of, you know, that's for TV shows. But right here, this is not very interesting. This is not very exciting. But this little bit of sorrow

[55:05]

will push you back on the path. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yes and yes, yes? I have a real conflict in the conventional world. Yes? I hear you about the gain and loss, and it's very much, you express it in very simplified terms. Yeah. However, my experience in my life is in speaking my truth, it's having justice. And not always just being passive. Right. I need to take certain actions Yeah. in order to live my truth. Okay. In an honorable way. It's not so much about,

[56:06]

am I going to give something or am I not going to give something? Uh-huh. But then, you know, I do Buddha things, the practice, and I think, am I doing the right thing or am I not? Should I walk away from this situation? What is justice? What is accountability? What is my truth? Should I just walk away from it? Or... Well, I think the question... Well, I think sometimes it's a good idea to stand up. If you're standing on the ground, I think it's good to stand on the ground when you're standing on the ground. And then, I think asking the question, What is justice? seems like a good question to me. I think that question could be asked if you have time, every moment. What is justice? And what action will promote justice in this situation?

[57:06]

And I'm saying, I'm suggesting that while you're acting in the world, while you're actually acting, or while I'm acting in the world, if I'm focusing on, if I'm committed to focusing on justice, I think that's a good commitment in practicing the Buddha way. But in addition to practicing, focusing on justice, I also am suggesting that if I want to awaken to the reality of the world, that it helps if I also watch out for, Am I, in my devotion to meditating on justice, am I concerned with personal gain and loss? That's all. Just keep watching for that, because me being concerned to get something for myself,

[58:08]

or anyway, me being concerned with gain and loss, I suggest, undermines realizing the path of justice. So this awareness of my concern for gain and loss is intended to help me walk the path of justice and act in accord with the commitment or the wish to practice in accord with justice. Me trying to get something out of the situation or avoid losing something, it distracts me from the real important issue, which is justice for all, freedom and justice for all. That's, if you have that concern, if that's what you want, really, freedom and justice for all, then I'm suggesting, my view is, that watching out for your own sense of trying to get something will help you realize that. So it's a kind of mindfulness of veering off from what's really important to you.

[59:10]

And I'm speaking of it in simple terms, maybe, yeah? But I know it gets complicated to apply it. But still, even in complicated situations, I still seem to be able to sometimes notice a little bit of excitement over loss. Driving down the streets of Berkeley, Oakland, San Francisco, it's a fairly complicated thing, especially if people are crawling all over you while you're doing it, but you can still notice maybe some gain and loss, some concern with gain and loss going on. And if that's the case, confess that concern with gain and loss, and that will melt away the root of the concern for gain and loss. Gain and loss do happen, but the fixation on that issue can drop. And then you can be more effective

[60:17]

working for justice for all. I propose that. But I don't say it's easy. A tiny one? Is it okay if she asked a tiny, unrelated question? Huh? Yeah, there's a... Yes, go ahead. You talk a bit, too. It's not about first dates, is it? What does the activity have to do with Pebbles, Kyle, and... What does it have to do with it? I don't understand that. That may seem like a tiny question. Does that seem like a tiny question?

[61:18]

What did you say? Tiny Pebbles. I would be happy to respond to that tiny question, but the response, because it's a response about how tiny Pebbles are engaged in Buddha activity, it's a big response. So if you want to bring it up again, I will open, I'll pull back the curtains on the stage and show how Pebbles are engaged in Buddha activity. But right now, I think that if I did that, or if we did that, if I responded to this, I wouldn't be able to respond to the other people who raised their hand. But I don't think your question was even the tiniest bit, even one tiny Pebble beside the point. I think the way that Pebbles are engaged in Buddha activity

[62:23]

is exactly the reality that the Buddhas are encouraging us to wake up to. But I can't really, like, expound that right now and still be able to get to the other people before lunch. So if you bring it up again, I'll be happy to pull the curtains back on that one. Okay? Miriam, I think, was next. The greatest self-fulfillment in the body is always calm, and I'm wondering how that has something to do with sitting without trying to get something. Sitting is somewhat of the ultimate goal. Sitting without trying to get anything is the door to the awareness of self-fulfillment. The realization of self-fulfillment comes to people who are sitting without trying to get anything out of the sitting. So the renunciation of gain in sitting or standing or whatever,

[63:31]

if you're in that mode, if you're willing to let go of trying to get something out of the sitting, that tends to open you to wake up in such a way that your self will be fulfilled, or to wake up to how your self is fulfilled. So the renunciation of concern for gain and loss is kind of like the price of admission to this awareness, this self-fulfilling awareness. And again, self-fulfilling is one way to translate this Chinese word for this samadhi. Another way to translate it is receptive samadhi. Another way to translate it is self-receiving and employing samadhi. When you're aware of receiving yourself

[64:34]

and how your self that's received is employed, that awareness is a fulfilling awareness. When you think you've already got a self and then you're going to use it, that's called self-unfulfilled awareness. When you're already here, you have an unfulfilled self. The self you've already got and you're holding on to, that self is never fulfilled. It's an illusion that cannot be fulfilled. But the self that everybody gives you, the self which appears in receptivity, that self is the fulfilling self and the fulfilled self. But in order to see that, we have to kind of like lighten up on the gain and loss. Because the gain and loss is kind of like saying, okay, I want to see the fulfilled self while holding on to the unfulfilled self. I'm just going to keep holding on to this self which is concerned with gain and loss and which is separate from everybody.

[65:37]

And while holding on to this, I'm going to see if I can see the one that's fulfilled by everybody. No, you have to kind of let go of that one a little bit to let the other one appear. Now, once you realize the other one, then gain and loss will not be much of an issue anymore. It doesn't make any sense anymore. Then you don't have to renounce gain and loss because you just can't even find any. Everything's totally fulfilled all the time. So prior to realization, you kind of like renounce gain and loss. After realization, you understand that it's ridiculous. And so you don't even have to renounce it because you just can't even find it. So by warming up to it, that's one way to warm up to it, is just renounce gain and loss. And then again notice how you haven't accomplished the renunciation and confess that you're still involved in gain and loss

[66:41]

until you really, finally, completely lighten up on it. So you still see gain and loss, but you're not caught by it. And in that mode, you find out that there is no gain and loss. And of course, in that state also, when you see there is none, then when you see the gain and loss again, you don't fall for it. But mostly we're confessing that we do see gain and loss still, and we're caught by it. Therefore, there's some, a little bit or a lot of obscuration of this wonderful world of interdependence. Okay? Okay? I don't know who was next. There was a lot of people over here. Was there any people over there? No, it was mostly over here. Yes? The aspect of dependence, are you saying that just by feeling

[67:45]

the feelings you have after the confession, feeling the feelings of sorrow, or whatever those feelings are, frustration, that in itself is the dependence? No, but close. If you, like if I, if I'm, I don't know what, let's say I, yeah, let's say I'm rude to you or something, and I confess to myself and maybe to my teacher and maybe to you, I'm sorry I was rude. I mean, I acknowledge I was kind of rude to you. You felt that I was rude, and I could see how you would feel that way, and I'm sorry. And then that feeling of sorrow is, is part of the repentance. You don't really do the sorrow, but there is a sorrow there sometimes, and that sorrow is your great resource. And your job is not so much to create the sorrow, but just to like feel it. Don't resist the feeling.

[68:46]

Try to feel it in the most tender, respectful way. That's the first part of repentance. But I think you might say repentance also includes that, includes the transformation. So repentance is the feeling which leads to transformation, but I think also the transformation is also part of the repentance. But you don't do the transformation. It's just that you change when you feel sorrow. And you're transformed by feeling sorrow and unskillfulness. People who do something unskillful and don't feel sorrow, they change too, but they change usually towards more unskillfulness. People feel neutral, maybe they change in another way. But people who feel sorrow, that sorrow transforms them towards virtue. So the feeling and the transformation,

[69:49]

I would include all that under repentance, or just say that repentance is the type of sorrow that has the effect of transformation. So either include the transformation in the repentance, or say that the repentance is a type of sorrow which supports. So in some way you can't tell if the repentance works until there's transformation. That make sense? Yes. And the sorrow could include, there could be other feelings around that sorrow, as far as frustration could be part of that sorrow, or other different aspects of sorrow that show those different emotions. Feeling frustration, you mean like feeling frustrated in doing things skillfully, for example? That might be a dimension, that might be a related,

[70:49]

related to the sorrow might be a feeling of frustration. Any other things around that you might see? Guilt in some ways is, it's a tricky word too, but guilt in some ways is the confession, you say, I'm guilty. It looks like I'm guilty of unskillfulness. But I think the way people use guilt is that you're not only admitting that you're admitting responsibility for this, but also, I think maybe drifting the guilt over, maybe into the repentance, into feeling sorrow. But I thought you were going to say, but what some people mean by guilt is, you know, banging yourself on the head, you know? And I think it's better to feel the sorrow than to do something to yourself so that you'll feel the sorrow. Like, I did something unskillful,

[71:54]

I should probably feel sorrow, but I don't feel it, so if I hit myself, then that'll feel like sorrow, so maybe that will, I don't know about that, I'm not sure about that, I don't think so. What? Well, there's some self-judgment in this too, that I think I was unskillful. I don't know if I would... Shame, I think, is there too. Shame being that... One translation of shame is self-respect, that you do something unskillful and you feel like, you know, actually this is not appropriate for me, I actually don't want to live this way. So... But anyway, some ill will can arise

[72:55]

around awareness of unskillfulness, and I don't think the ill will... I don't think hoping ill for yourself is appropriate. That's another thing to confess. But the ill will might arise in the same neighborhood as the sorrow, but the ill will doesn't positively transform you, it just causes more trouble. But anyway, you can confess that then. But I think sometimes people do have the sorrow arising and then this ill will pops up. Rather than feel the sorrow, they veer off into wanting to punish themselves or be mean to themselves, or hurt somebody else, even. Like, I did something unskillful, I feel bad about it, and then in my pain, I think maybe now I want to distract myself from it by hurting somebody else. This is, of course, really too bad, but it can happen. It's part of the danger that you have to watch out for,

[74:01]

of hurting someone else because you did something unskillful and feel bad about it. It's tough, right? It's a mess. Being unenlightened is dangerous. Yes? A question about how beings are supporting each other. When you talk, or when I think about, say, the war in Iraq and the chaos that came out of that, are you talking about the essence of each, the true essence of each being, of service or of support to each other, and not exactly when people are doing things that are unskillful, like killing? Are you talking about the true essence of who we are is supporting each other?

[75:04]

The way we're supporting each other could be called our true nature. Yes. And so our true nature is that we here in this room are supporting the people in Iraq right now, and they are supporting us. Their sorrow is supporting our life. We are supported by beings who are in great sorrow. And our sorrow, if we're sorrowful, is supporting them. Their happiness is supporting our life. Our happiness is supporting their life. The way we're supporting each other, I proposed to you, is our true nature. And we are supporting all beings, and all beings are supporting us. And some beings who we are supporting, and who are supporting us, do not at all seem or have very little awareness

[76:15]

that we are supporting them, and that they're supporting us. Some beings do not feel like we are their most dear friend, or that they are our most dear friend. They don't see it that way. And when they feel that way in an extreme way, they are very afraid of us and hate us, if they really feel that way. If they do not feel that we are supporting them or they're supporting us. And when we don't feel that other people are supporting us, and we don't feel like we're supporting them, and we don't want to support them, that's very close to hate. It doesn't take much more to slip into hating them. And also, when we feel that way, we're afraid of them. Generally speaking, we're afraid of people who we don't think support us, even in this room, you know. If I don't think somebody is supporting me in giving these Dharma talks, I would be afraid, to some extent. If people come to see me and tell me

[77:18]

that I'm a jerk, terrible teacher, causing a lot of trouble, or they tell other people that about me, that I'm a bad this and a bad that, if I don't feel supportive of them and that they're supportive of me, I might be afraid of what they're doing and afraid of them. So, all over the world, people who awaken to this interdependence are people who are not afraid of people and who care for people. And all over the world, people who do not awaken to this are people who are afraid of people and sometimes hate people and want to hurt them. So, the nature of all beings is the same, this Buddha nature, this true nature is the same, but because people do not understand it, they're scared, disoriented, confused, etc.

[78:25]

And in that situation, their actions can be very cruel to themselves and others. They can kill themselves and kill others because they're so confused and frightened and angry based on that fear. But still, in fact, it's not that they're actually not being supported, they're just ignoring it. And when they ignore it, they feel terrible. And then when they feel terrible, they sometimes do terrible things. Not always. Sometimes they say, I feel terrible and they confess they feel terrible and then they start to recover, like us, who are practicing. But also all over the world, people are waking up to that and recovering. Some people in Iraq, both Americans, Europeans and Iraqis, some of them are waking up from this delusion that they're not being supported by all beings. And some of them are still in that dream

[79:27]

and fighting with each other viciously and being disrespectful of each other. But also here in America, people are doing that too. So I'm just saying, let's wake up because then it will be natural that we'll be skillful and loving to each other and we won't be afraid of each other and we can show others how to be loving and not afraid of each other if we wake into this true nature. But it's hard, because you don't believe it yet, and etc., right? Because you don't believe it, because you don't see it, you're into gain and loss and when you're into gain and loss, you're into, like, unbelievable, you know? Not to mention, you know, some people are like, if I see those thieves, I'll kill them, you know? I didn't go that far. I think if I had actually found the guys, I might have, you know, been friendly.

[80:28]

I don't know. Like, hey, that's my car. You found it. Thank you. No, man, this isn't your car. Anyway, yes? Who's next? Somebody over here? Yes? Well, you know, in the name of, I shouldn't feel sad when I lose something, I mean, I've come across people here, you know, who are feeling sad because something didn't go their way, or they lost something, and they'll say, oh, but I shouldn't feel it, but you can practically sense the action of pushing down feelings. Uh-huh. So I just wondered if you could elucidate that. If I could elucidate the danger of,

[81:33]

when you hear the teaching of giving up concern for gain and loss, that you might slip into denying that you're concerned with gain and loss? That would be a way of putting it, yeah. But just to allow that if there is, you know, a feeling comes up, to allow it, to have it like, rather than, I shouldn't feel that way. I don't know if you were here earlier in this talk. We've been here the whole time? I told a story about this guy who noticed that he's into gain and loss, and what did I recommend to him? Do you remember more about what I said about that? Which guy? Anyway, I said, get these two flags, everybody has two flags, gain flag and the loss flag, and when you notice gain and loss, don't use the flag to hide the gain and loss. Use the flag, hold it up and say, hey, there's a petty person here who's into gain and loss. I'm going to gain it. I gained, I gained, I gained. I recommend dramatizing it. That's what I recommend. Now I shouted from the highest hill,

[82:36]

even till the golden daffodils, I'm into gain, and I just gained something, and I'm so happy. I won, you know, I got more attention than this other person. I think I didn't make myself clear. Oh, you didn't? Well, that's a nice way to put it, yes? I didn't mean so much the confession itself, but the actual, whatever emotion arose that lets you see you're into gain and loss. So now that I see I'm into gain and loss, I'm going to squish that feeling of sadness. Yeah, maybe I didn't make myself clear. But when I see the sadness over the loss, I'm saying, dramatize it. You're saying, don't... Dramatize the sadness? Yeah, dramatize the fact that you're sad because of loss. Not push the sadness away,

[83:40]

but say, I'm sad, and I'm not just sad. I'm sad because I'm sad about losing stuff. It's not sad, I'm sad that you're suffering. I'm sad that I lost something. So I'm saying, not just don't push it down, bring it out and show it to everybody. So not only do you see it, but everybody else sees it. So in case you forget there, remember, you're really into being sad when you lose stuff. You told us, remember? Yeah, so I'm saying, bring it out. Now, that's not pushing it down. It's not shoving it back into the closet. As soon as it sticks its head out a little bit, bring it out in front. That's what I'm suggesting. And of course, there is a danger that when you see this sadness over loss, you think, this is not a good Zen student to do that.

[84:43]

I shouldn't let people know that. I can see that. But some people are not that far into denial to actually see it, which is good. And some people who see their concern for gain and fear of loss, their wish for gain and their fear of loss, some people, they think, well, it's unrealistic to commit to the path of getting over this because I'm so into it. But I would say, no. If you notice that you're into it, you're closer to getting over it than people who are into it and don't notice it. So some people don't notice they're into gain and loss and they say, I'm willing to commit to giving up concern for gain and loss. In some ways, they're lucky that they're in denial because then they can commit themselves to it. And then they get in this situation and then that brings it out. But some people, even without commitment,

[85:44]

notice that they spend almost all their time trying to avoid loss and promote gain. They know that already. So then they think, I shouldn't commit to giving that up. And I say, no, no. You're like a prime candidate because you can see it. So now commit to it and then you'll see it even more. It'll be horrible, but, you know. So was there any gain and loss just now for you? And did you notice it? Do you want to demonstrate it? You want to demonstrate it? No? Not right now? Okay. But get it out there and, you know, dramatize it. You know, like I do. Unbelievable! You know, I tell you these stories about when I was petty. You know, about my tears

[86:47]

over realizing how petty I was over some croutons. Get that out there. Otherwise you might forget that you're a petty person. You say, oh, you see this flicker of pettiness. Flicker? Come on, bring the pettiness out there. Petty, petty, petty. Yeah, right, there it is. Then you can become free of it. If you get it out there, you can become free of your pettiness. We got the pettiness, but is it out there? Not enough for most people. Not enough, but it... All beings will be protected by you keeping your pettiness out there in your awareness. Yes? I'm scared about saying this, but... I worry when you use the word pettiness, you know, it's just that word.

[87:48]

But it's a way of... It's kind of a negative self-judgment. Yeah, and you're worried about that. You're worried about negative self-judgments. Right? Yeah, I don't think they're so healthy. I don't know. Okay. I think it is healthy. I think it's really healthy for me to be aware of my pettiness, because I am petty. And you don't think so? So we're different. Because that's what the word petty means. The word petty means that I, here I am, on the path to helping people. You know, like I'm trying... I'm trying to help somebody, right? Like somebody's got a problem, I'm trying to help them. But I get distracted because I'm concerned with how many mushrooms I got. Me being really concerned, you know,

[88:51]

I start to sweat and get into a fervor. I'm in a fervor right now. What's the word? I get into a froth, get into a froth about whether I got some mushrooms or not. That's called a petty concern. It's a little, small-scale concern that I can get involved in. And when I'm concerned with little things, you know, about my gain, that's what I call petty. And if you think it's a negative judgment, I can be petty about you saying that, but I can also be grand about saying that and say, fine, you can say that's no good, but I say, I see myself as petty when I'm concerned with little things concerning my gain. Like whether you gave me every penny of change at the store. You know, I might notice, I might say, you know, you gave me one penny too little. I might say that, and it might not be petty, I just might be sort of like pointing that out. And you might say, oh, sorry, here it is.

[89:55]

And then I might take a big pile of money and dump it on you. So then that's not petty, it's just noticing. But to be like, you know, you gave me one penny too little and I'm really upset. Or you gave me one crouton too little and I'm really upset. Then I'm concerned about this little thing concerning my gain. That's what I mean by petty. It's petty. And I can be that way. And if you say it's negative and unhealthy, I can be petty about that. Or I can say, okay, I hear you, I don't agree. And I just probably go on noticing my concern for my own gain as a small-scale thing. My gain and loss are not a big deal in this world. But my kindness is a big deal and my cruelty is a big deal.

[90:56]

If I'm cruel to people, for me to be concerned about that, I don't think that's petty. Even a little bit cruel. For me to be concerned for that, I don't call that petty. I call petty me being concerned about my gains, even my big gains. I consider it to be petty. If I get a big car and I'm worked up about that, I consider that petty. If I lose a big car and I'm concerned about that, I consider that petty for me. If I lose a little car and I'm concerned about that, I consider that petty. If I gain a big car, any of these things, whatever is related to my own personal gain and loss, if I really get into that, I'm petty. To notice it is okay. To notice there were six and a half mushrooms on the pizza, to notice that, just natural. No problem. But for me to dwell on that for hours,

[91:57]

to take revenge on whoever cut the piece, this is petty. There are a lot of people interested in this talk for some reason. This is going to go way past lunch, yes? Grieving over loss? Well, this is a big topic, but basically I have a positive frame on grieving and sadness. I see them as ways that your body offers to you to let go of things you've lost that you haven't let go of. If you lose something,

[93:00]

like a car or a friend, and you actually have no attachment to it whatsoever, then you don't have to grieve. But often when we lose our health or a loved one, there's some attachment. And the grieving is the way our body helps us adjust to the lost. So grieving is very good. To feel the grief is very... It's a healthy offering of your body. The body says, you're not letting go. Feel this grief. And if you feel the grief, you let go. But sometimes it takes long stretches of grieving in order to fully let go of some things, because some things we hold on to in a million ways. So for some things we have to grieve in a million ways to let go of them. And when we let go of them, then we're back, you know, in our life again. Does that make sense?

[94:01]

Very important part of practice. Let's see... Yes? What comes up? Endearment? The masculine exterior and the feminine interior. And something is that... What I just thought was that... I don't know if it's so helpful for people to be endeared to me and other people to be endeared to me, but it does help me relax the next time that I do something unskillful. So let me get this straight again. Some unskillful behavior manifests

[95:04]

in your activity. And then what happens? What's the next step? You notice it? You notice it and you feel some sorrow. Then what? Endearment for what? Yeah. I think the endearment actually... I think the endearment actually...

[95:34]

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