May we exist in muddy water with purity like a lotus. Thus we bow to Buddha. One way I hear that is, may we have this wish, this intention to live in muddy water with purity like a lotus, and then we bow to Buddha. Or another way is, with that intention in mind, we bow to Buddha. But another way is that that intention is bowing to Buddha. And bowing to Buddha is a formal way of aligning ourself with Buddha.

[02:02]

So we may align ourselves with Buddha through the vow to live in mud with purity. So we have this temple here called Green Dragon Temple, which is nicely aligned with the place where Zen monks go to practice in olden times. They go down into the green dragon cave, looking for the true self.

[03:16]

But we have to go down through our worldly self. We have to go down through the mud. to get into this cave. The worldly self is not the flowing self. It's a permanent self. And we keep having problems with it because it's a permanent thing that keeps getting challenged and threatened by impermanence.

[04:31]

and we are worried about it, how this permanent thing will be able to go on. And if we think of its future, we become afraid for it. So again, yesterday I spoke of the courage, the fearlessness to come into the present and experience how this self is vulnerable, how fragile it is, and this fragile, permanent self meets a non-fragile, impermanent self.

[05:46]

The impermanent self is not vulnerable because it has no abode. The impermanent self, the self of impermanence, is a self that's forgotten. It's actually our true nature. Nothing can hurt this impermanent self. It requires no maintenance. And it doesn't maintain itself. It lets itself change. And when we live in the flow of this changing self, we can witness the birth of peace and bliss.

[06:56]

But we have to walk through some heavy resistance We have to walk through the deterioration of and the attempt to re-establish the walls, tiles and pebbles of the permanent self. And we're kind of confused because we can't tell whether we should let it go or build it up. we're kind of confused about, you know, like this morning I was aware of somebody who was fussing with somebody and I wanted to fuss with the person who was fussing with the person. I kind of felt like, why doesn't he just leave him alone?

[08:10]

But then why don't I just leave him alone? But if I leave him alone, then maybe I'm, you know, running away from my responsibility? What is the way to exist in a muddy situation like that where you see somebody bothering and fussing with somebody and you're really seeing your own mind fussing with somebody so you want to fuss with the fussing but you feel bad about that? How do you sit upright and noble in the midst of such mud without veering off towards, oh, I don't care, or I do care and I'm going to fix it? So as I often mentioned, in situations like this, in muddy situations like this, where it's hard to see the Buddha, it looks like mud, and it looks like muddy attempts to clean the mud and disgust at people trying to clean up things and bother other people and cause more trouble.

[09:44]

In situations like that, It's hard to see Buddha. It's hard to see Buddha's face. It's hard to forget ourself and see the light of Buddha's face, which lets us change into the one who's fussing with the people or into the people who are being fussed with or into somebody who's forgotten who he is. He can't remember what his responsibility is. Maybe his responsibility is to join the other side. Who knows? Anyway, if we can be upright and honest and gentle and flexible in situations like that, we can see Buddha's face in the middle of the mud. So when I felt the impulse to fuss with the person who was fussing with the people, when I heard, may we exist in muddy water, there I was in muddy water, with purity like a lotus.

[11:13]

So in the end, I guess my interpretation of purity like a lotus was to feel those feelings of disquiet about this fussing that was going on, and to do nothing about it. The original thing that was being fussed with was not so important, and the fussing also was not so important. So I just let it go in that case. That isn't always the answer, but that's the one that happened this morning. I was also thinking of a friend of mine who is quite a wonderful person and for his living he plays in movies, he's a movie actor. And I've heard that some of his recent roles that he's had to play are kind of, I don't

[12:27]

some question about whether one would want to play such a role. And in some ways I'm embarrassed for him that he plays certain roles. At the same time, I'm a little bit envious of him that he makes so many millions of dollars for playing these roles. And he too probably is has these problems. Like I heard him say one time that, well, it's a really bad role, but you get to be directed by one of the greatest directors in the world, so that's a good opportunity. But anyway, this morning, his life flashed before my mind. And again, I thought, in some sense, what poor little creatures we are. that we have to decide about whether we should fuss with somebody about some little detail, or whether we should play in this movie or that movie, and whether we should ask for this much money or that much money, or whether we should feel embarrassed or proud of our friends.

[13:48]

We have to deal with such thoughts. They come up in our mind. But it seems to me that although we have to, unless some of us have really strong guards on our mind and can keep those thoughts out, most of us are polluted with this kind of mud. And it's kind of sad. But then I thought of the lotus and the fact that there is something very noble we can do. no matter what kind of junk that's manifesting through our consciousness, no matter how bad it gets, we can sit upright, and we can be honest about what's happening, and we can be gentle about it, and we can be flexible.

[14:52]

We can be noble creatures in the sewer. And as a matter of fact, the Buddha is not born in nice neighborhoods. If you live in a place where what's coming through your mind is just high-quality thought, you know, or what you see is people treating people with respect, And not only that, but people treating people with respect that deserve respect by anybody's standards so these people aren't being deluded. So you see fine people treating fine people with respect and love and doing just the right thing and treating you that way too. There are moments like that. I've seen them. They're okay. But that's not where Buddha's born. That's not where the lotus is born.

[16:01]

That's where, I don't know, maybe the Joshua tree is born or something, or some kind of cactus may be born there. We need the steward to develop compassion. Buddhas are not born in Buddha lands. They're born in misery and confusion. As you may have heard. So again, in our daily life we have plenty of junk to deal with. But in some ways, although we have plenty of junk to deal with, we also have to deal with the junk of not even being able to deal with the junk.

[17:06]

Some of the junk we deal with in daily life is, hey, I'm too busy to deal with this junk. But in Sashin, it's pretty hard to convince yourself that you're too busy to deal with this junk. You really don't have anything else to deal with. So to tell yourself, look, I'm in a hurry, later I'll handle this crap, actually, people don't usually talk that way. They say, I can barely stand what's happening, but they usually don't say, look, I'm too busy. Or I'll handle this later. Right now I have to go do this. That's the advantage of this sitting practice, is that when this stuff comes up, although it comes up all the time, now at least, there it is. when it comes up you're in the dragon's cave and you're not too far from the forgotten self As a matter of fact, when you're handling this difficult material, you're very, very close to seeing Buddha's face.

[18:17]

Because Buddha's face is right there in this pain, in this confusion, in this sense of loss, in this sense of losing control, in this sense of fear. It's right a hair's breadth, a blade of grass distance away. if we can just be upright with it and not lean forward into the future or shrink back into the past and just be with this and forget the self and meet the forgotten self, which is Buddha's face. which is light. And then everything changes.

[19:22]

We do it again, back into the dragon cave again. It doesn't just reveal itself and sit there and let us gawk at it. It says, okay, now take this. You handled that pretty well. Here's another one. It's constantly asking us to deepen it, to deepen our insight, to not rest in the latest insight. In other words, that's why we have to be flexible. Right after one insight, you have to drop it, go beyond it, and handle the new piece of trash, the new disgusting event, or the new attractive, lovely event. Remember, when Buddha was on the verge of enlightenment, it wasn't just monsters and trash mobiles that were coming at him. It was very seductive vehicles too. The loveliest possible things were coming towards him too.

[20:29]

He had to sit upright and be gentle, not just with horrible monsters, but the loveliest possible things that his mind could imagine. In both cases he had to be, just sit there and not move and not push away and not hold on. Of course he was disgusted and of course he was salivating. But he just let the saliva drip. He didn't move. And when you're sitting, you know, usually we use this mudra, this cosmic concentration mudra. But under special circumstances, you can use Buddha's mudras. If you're not sure that it's okay to sit still, you can just take the hand that's on top of your mudra.

[21:36]

And you can touch the fingertips to the ground and ask if it's okay if you just sit still like a Buddha and hear the answer. And if you're afraid, you can take your hand and put it in the posture of fearlessness, which is exposing both palms, one palm down and the other palm up. We have to face the extreme confusion of our consciousness and yet not be shaken by it, not push it away, not hold on to it, be gentle with it.

[22:54]

The extreme confusion of our consciousness is very close to the creative core of our mind. The creative core which is constantly flowing and producing new forms. Before there's any confusion, just pure images being generated And at the base of this generation is peace. Peace is right there in that creative process. If you get too far from it, it'll throw you for a loop. It'll knock you down and roll over you. But if you get really close, there's peace there. And as a matter of fact,

[24:20]

in the center of that creative process is the place where peace is born. But it's hard to stay there. It's so bright and so intense. It's more intense, a little bit more intense than the extreme confusion of our mind. It's a little more intense than that. And that's where fearlessness comes in. In the last public talk that Albert Camus gave, which he called Create Dangerously, he said, one may long, as I do, for a gentler flame, a gentler flame, a gentler fire, a rest, a pause for musing,

[25:43]

But perhaps there is no other place for the artist, I would say yogi, than what she finds in the heat of combat, in the heat of struggle. Every wall, Emerson correctly said, is a door. Let us not look for the door and the way out anywhere but in the wall against which or in front of which you are now living. Instead, let us seek respite where it is in the very thick of this struggle.

[26:53]

In my opinion it is there. As a result of sitting there, as a result of sitting here, there shines forth fleetingly the ever-threatened truth that each and every person on the foundation of his or her own sufferings, joys, and sorrows creates. So I ask myself, how many kinds of purity are there?

[28:19]

And I guess my answer is one. How many kinds of defilement? And my answer is endless. No matter what the defilement is, the purity is just Buddha's face. It's just being upright serene, and gentle in the face of what's ever happening. So, I wrote down 464 kinds of defilement, but I don't have time to go through each one today. I'll just do a few. One I already brought up. One is the defilement of understanding what's going on based on or according to the Buddhist scriptures.

[29:25]

That's one kind of defilement. If we try to understand what's happening according to the scriptures, that is called the enemy of all Buddhas. the Buddhas give teaching, and then if we try to understand what's happening by relying on the teaching they gave, we kill them. On the other hand, the other defilement would be, if you do anything, if you go against one word of Buddha's teachings, that's another defilement. So in that muddy situation, how can we be upright and hear Buddha's teaching without relying on it and also don't do anything to go against it. It's a kind of a struggle. How can you balance between those two extremes?

[30:31]

You have to use Buddha's teaching without relying on it. You have to pick it up and check to make sure you're not getting off. At the same time that you do that, not rely on it. Not depend on it. Not try to make yourself the same as it. And also, don't be different. Here you can use your regular cosmic concentration mudra. You can see one hand, you know, as depending on the Buddha, the other one as rejecting the Buddha. One is lining up and trying to make yourself, what do you call it, imitating the Buddha, and the other one is go against the Buddha. One is try to be like the ancestors,

[31:35]

And the other one is, you know, go against the ancestors. Those two, put them together and make your mudra. And find a place where you don't get off onto either one. That is a transmission. outside the scriptures. All the Buddhists practice that way. Some people might think, oh my God, well, it'd probably be easier if I just didn't read any Buddhist scriptures. If I just stay entirely away from them, then I won't have this problem of misusing them.

[32:46]

But again, that won't work. Stay away from them. That ostrich method won't work. Even, it's like, I remember when I was a kid, people used to feel, and I agree, that that Christian idea of, you know, like people in Antarctica who haven't heard the Christian teaching, if they don't believe in it, they go to hell. So you might say, well, if I just don't hear any Buddhist teaching, I'll be all right. No. Whether you hear Buddhist teachings or not, you're in trouble. So what you do is you take these two kinds of defilements.

[33:54]

You take violating the Buddhism and turning yourself into a Buddhist robot. Take those two and embrace both of them because we're capable of doing those two kinds of error and then bring them together and let them fight it out. Let them consume each other. And pretty soon all that will be left is this mudra of harmony. The lotus in the midst of the mud fight. And then there's the mud of pain and the mud of pleasure.

[35:09]

How do you sit upright and honest and gentle and flexible in the middle of pain? one way that people try to sit in pain is called toughing it out. Toughing it out. That's not very gentle. Doesn't sound gentle. On the other hand, It's important to be flexible and maybe sometimes tough it out. Maybe you could gently tough it out for a few minutes. Just try toughing it out just for a moment.

[36:15]

Just tough. Just be tough. See what that's like. But then be gentle about that and flexible about that and then don't be tough. Be a wimp. Be a big baby. Say, I can't stand this. Owie. Hear the owie in your brain. Be honest about how you feel. I'm scared. What if this goes on for a couple more hours? Well, On the other hand, if you want to move, dear, go right ahead. Don't hurt yourself. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I have a problem this session.

[37:21]

I don't always. Got a problem in my knee, my left knee. And so what I'm doing, part of what I'm doing unusual is I'm putting a little roll of cloth in the back of my knee to make more space in the joint. And I watch very carefully whether my knees are swelling up. I'm trying to be fearless about this pain and get right to the center of it and see what's going on. Part of me would also like this session to be over. I'm wondering how my legs are going to survive.

[38:22]

But you know what I believe? I believe that there is a light that can appear if I learn how to handle the pain in my knees in a skillful way. It might be skillful if I just... Who knows? I've got to be prepared. Maybe the skillful thing for me to do is to sit in a chair the rest of the session. Maybe that's what it will become. It's possible. There's many possibilities. So I must be flexible in order to grow the lotus in this muddy

[39:38]

pain. And I must be gentle with myself and with all of you about this pain. And then there's pleasure, too. There's pleasure during a session. Have you noticed? For example, there's meals There's tea treats, and since I sometimes am doing doksan during tea, I sometimes get brought several extra tea treats. I get a variety since I can't choose. How many cookies should I have? How many alternatives to the cookies should I have? What's the upright response to these treats?

[40:45]

How can you have... I'll ask this question, you know, it's a scary question, but how can you have the maximum happiness and the maximum pleasure during Sashin? That's a scary question. A more or less scary question is, how can you have the optimal pleasure during Sashin? But now that I've asked it, it's over. I asked it. And I'll ask again, how can you have the most, the maximum, the greatest amount of pleasure during sashi? I mean, we could look at it that way, that we have... a few more days and you could just try to figure out not even figure out but you could just work to have it revealed to you because I don't think you can figure it out but I think there can be a revelation of the maximum pleasure during this session maybe the most fun thing to do would be just to walk out the door right now and take a nice long walk

[42:35]

That might be it. Maybe walk out of here and take a nice long nap. Like, just sleep for the next three days. That might be it. Got to be flexible. Maybe that's what it should be. On the other hand, if you have housing in their cloud hall, if you go take a nap, someone might come and disturb you. So it might not work. So maybe you should check into a motel. But you're probably not, you're not scheduled to do anything else for the next few days, so why not? It's possible that that would really be fun. That that would be like more fun than anything else you could think of.

[43:39]

Consider it. Maybe you already have. And I told some of you the story just the other day of two great Zen masters who were traveling together, and they came to an inn. I forgot the name of the inn. It was, I think, anyway, the inn was on Tortoise Something mountain. Fragrant tortoise mountain. Oh, it was something tortoise, wasn't it? Turquoise tortoise. Anyway, they got snowed in. And one of them was, they had the same teacher. They both had a real strict Zen teacher. And one of them was named, we call, his name is Shrey Fung.

[44:45]

And he was a real tough practitioner. They say he wore out seven Zafus. How many Zafus have you worn out so far? I mean, I know you've worn some of them, but how many of you are like totally worn out so you can't even patch them anymore? Probably not one, right? It takes a long time to wear out these zafus. It doesn't take that long to wear a hole in them, but after you patch them and patch them, he wore out seven. So when he was about 45 years old, he had worn out seven zafus. He had already been enlightened three times. But he was still practicing really hard. So he and his friend, his friend's name was Yun To, were snowed in this inn on Fragrant Tortoise Mountain. And he was sitting all the time, and his partner was sleeping all the time. And occasionally his partner would wake up and say, "'Get some sleep.'"

[45:53]

Apparently, he never told his friend to wake up and do meditation. And when his friend said, get some sleep, he would point to his breast and he said, there's still not peace here. I haven't yet found peace. And his friend might have said, although it isn't recorded, that he said, you know, why don't you have fun? Take a nap. Go down to the tavern and have some delicious tea. He wanted peace in his heart. That was the pleasure that he was looking for. And his friend pushed him further, and again he said, I know, I know, I know, but I haven't yet found peace. And his friend said, OK, OK, well, just tell me your problems.

[47:08]

Tell me how you understand things, and I'll tell you when it's right and when it's wrong. So he told his friend that when he was with this person, he had this insight. And his friend said, OK, for 30 years, don't mention that one. And then he told about another enlightenment experience, and he said, no, no. He told him about another lightning experience and he said, no, no. And then finally he said, his friend said, just take everything from your heart, take all the arrows that are hurting your heart and turn them around and cover heaven and earth with them for my sake. And then He had peace. And he got up and he said, finally, on fragrant tortoise mountain, I attained the way.

[48:12]

He cried again and again, finally, at last, on fragrant tortoise mountain, I've attained the way. So I don't want to make promises or anything. But the people of the past who have lived in various forms of existence, and they've lived in tough situations and not so tough situations, and they've found some happiness in some easy situations, and they've found some happiness in some medium situations, and they've even found happiness in real tough situations. These people have found some happiness. They've even had innumerable, many enlightenment experiences.

[49:16]

considering all the pleasure that they had, they finally had a pleasure that was better than any other pleasure they had before. And that was the pleasure of the middle way. The pleasure of being a lotus in the sewers. Of being pure in the midst of extreme confusion. of not pushing away or grabbing onto defilement, of not running away a little bit from their pain and not shoving their face into it, of finding the gentle, soft, flexible, honest way of dealing with these difficulties.

[50:24]

They found the noble way, the finest way of dealing with the human condition. They found the noblest and finest way to deal with insanity. They visited all insane asylums and they went in there and they followed their breathing. No matter what the inmates said, they stayed present. We made our intention

[55:33]

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