Facing the Wall for Nine Years 

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ah we are
it seems to me we are ends in some conventional way were rather fragile beings
we're subject to change
we exist for a moment and then we
disappear in another person
appears somewhere in the neighborhood of where the previous person was
and this way there is constant flow of beings
and we get to be a being now and again now
because we're chained because we because we're changing all the time because we were constantly chain where because we're changing being
we can maybe to become afraid of what will happen
when we change
what will be pretty well will be will be fair
i wonder what will happen to me
case the roster raw
and we're afraid so in our here we may wish to live to be eternal to last
when in our fear we may think will be destroyed
but the buddha said we don't last and were not destroyed
we are constantly changing beings
leading to constantly changing bags
and yet we also even though we hear this and accepted to some extent some part of us is afraid of this chip process of change and has difficulty and discomfort with it this is natural for us
i'm encouraging us and myself included to try to
the internet
with the fragility
an instability
have our being
and i i wish to to be intimate with my fragile and permanent self because i think that's a way to protect myself and to protect others i wish to protect bags
from harm
i can't protect beings from cage
but i wish to protect bays from harm
and what i think the way to protect being from harm is to be intimate with them
i think by being intimate with beings
who are changing we can protect beings from harm
impermanent beings are also not only in danger of harm but they're in danger of fear so being
a caring for impermanent
fragile beings means dick offered to care for beings who are afraid
so if i'm afraid or i meet you and you're afraid i wish to be intimate with you and me
in order to protect you and me from harm
and if i can be intimate with your fear and my fear there can be fearlessness and when there's fearlessness fearlessness
is part of what helps us protect banks so we're not afraid to go where things are changing
there may be fear but were intimate with the fear so we're fearless with the fear
another thing we do in order to another thing i wish to practice in order to protect beings is to be careful
of all my actions and my actions are the way i'm with other being so be careful of other beings be careful be
ah vigilant be alert
and so i'm saying
that giving up trying to control this process of change i feel enhances the protection of beings
that if i try to control that generally speaking nourish is the fear
so when i say i try to give up trying to control this process of change that goes with being careful
be careful but not careful to control with careful because i think careful
is good and protective of bags
sometime ago there was an article in new yorker but
burgess rooms that have checklists
and how much more successful they are
if they have check lists
so i think it's good to check lists
like i think it's good that norbert tells you to be careful of the poison oak and he puts little flags were the poisoner poke his and at suggested you wash your hands afterwards this is a checklist
that he recommended not to put your hands and your face before you wash them after you're working out there
this has been careful of our bodies this is trying to protect beings from harm but it doesn't have to be that you're trying to control
fact you know i can't control these people i can control myself
i get you draw the poison oak
but i wish to be careful of poison oak and i wished to teach others to be careful of poison milk
and other things and hornets may have hornets to but we also wish to be careful we also wish to protect the ornaments so
ah we're going to do some work out there and and in order to do certain work that the the workers say that they have to either remove the hornets or
kill the hornets in order to work near the harness so i will enquire whether we can move the hornets
because i don't think cutting the trees down and aren't that important
that we have to kill the hornets
so it and maybe you i mean we'll find out where we can't do the work knob and we can't move the harness but later in the year we can move the harness or something so i will inquire about this to protect the workers the trees and the hornets but i'm not i'm not i do not think i'm going to be able to control the city
duration i actually am very much focusing on it i cannot control this world
i cannot control my life my life is heading on an uncontrolled path
towards i understand what we call death
soon i will be dead but i hope the before i die i have quite a few moments where i was caring for beings without trying to control them then my life would be somewhat worthwhile
if i was protecting beings without terming them by trying to control them
some people harm beings while trying to protect them in the form of controlling
it's so sad because they want to protect the bees but they don't understand that controlling them hurts them i'm trying to you can't control and but trying to control them hurts them i say
kind of control beings as an insult to them
and if they love you and respect you when you insult them they think that they're insult worthy insult worthy because and or their daddy or mommy or teacher here their best friend so if you think that the worthy of insult they must be no not so good
i think let's teach people that they're awesome
let's teach people that are that their past and no one can control them
let's teach him that by treating i'm that way by putting her has together and bowing to them and honoring them and saying i would like to protect you
i'm your protector i'm not your controller i'm i'm i'm the protector of a great being
a great beings need protection too
they're a great things are great things are impermanent and fragile
great things can be harmed
we can help we can protect great buildings
but if they're good things we're not going to try to control them are not going to try to control buddha we're not going to try to control great bodhisattvas mas office we're going to honor them and we're going to say excuse me
dear master but did you really want to turn left there i think that's actually a dangerous direction to go
and then they may be say oh thank you i got disoriented and great being that i got disoriented yes you did sir
you got disoriented that's why i asked you if you wanted to go that way i thought you're disoriented but you weren't trying to control me where you know how could i control how could anyone control you the whole universe only the whole universe can control you but if the whole universe is controlling your you are equally controlling the whole yeah
so again
let's be careful lest learn to be careful and conscientious and vigilant with each other and with ourselves to protect ourselves without slipping into
grabbing and holding on and controlling cassette impossible really it's disrespectful to think so
and then it's harmful to act on that disrespect
but then when i say this has said the same time i say we're about protecting beings welfare or about protecting bays from harm
yeah and also if we're not careful with each other
or even if we
ah turn the carefulness into trying to control them
even if we use our vigilance to try to control beings
this is called
non virtue in my book in my little precept book trying to control beings is non virtue the virtuous buddha's do not try to control beings a bot could control pigs everyone would be buddha because that's a good is want everybody to be buddhists one all beings to be buddhist so there and controllers make everyday
audi buddhist but they can't
what they do is they show beings how to protect the she did they protect beings they are careful with bangs they watch beings vigilantly national beings i'm totally here for you but i can control you
and if i can't control you i'm a buddha how could anyone else so if the great buddhist can put control as they don't mention about other people
but i can give you the teaching i can show you how to protect beings and i but i can't control you to practice what i teach you but i'll keep but i can continue to offer this to know if i'm not a boot i may forget while i'm trying to bet benefit bees while i'm trying to protect these i may forget and
slip into trying to control them dash i may slip into non virtue i missed slip into abusing people by dry under control them
and there's lot of reasons why am i try to control people missing control your shoulders get your students under control get him can climb up over there control your children control your dog so when people are
talking disrespectful and rude to me like that i may get frightened of the okay actually i guess i should control my dogs in my students in my spouse's in my girlfriends and my boyfriend's and get everybody under control
top hassling me
i have to
be careful of the people who are hassling me and say all
i wanna be careful and gentle with the hustlers who are hassling me and who are insulting me to think that they can control me and a controlling my people
i'm like i used to try to control my people to find out i couldn't cite a now i can't i can't control them
i'm not going to try anymore
and if you have some me and threatened me
i'll try not to control you and make you stop threatening me
but really
secretly i'm not gonna try to control anybody
i'm going to be stubborn about that when a gentle way you know
not rigid way i'm gonna be stubborn and not try to control you guys
however i may forget but i just said i'm gonna do slip into trying to control you into being excellent zen masters
they try to force you into pink
brilliant buddhists
how might
and if i do that than when i do as i confess and repent my non virtue
and by confessing that i hope i didn't i did kind of slip into trying to control you into being happy i did try to control you into being safe i didn't try to control you into being
why's and com when i said would you please come down i didn't as i didn't just say complete i was trying to control you and calming down when i said that i confess it and that
is said to be the supreme way to protect bags is to confess when we're practicing non virtue towards them
because a lot of times we slip so if we can be virtuous to beings that means we can protect bags if we forget and slip into disrespecting them and try and treating them like possessions like shadows like cattle domestic
rated cattle if we start trading things like that
and we confess and repent and his confession and repentance protects bags confession and repentance of non dirt you confess protects beings from non virtue and it also shows them the practice of confession
the virtuous practice of confession
pretty heavy question to ask okay okay i'll i'll try to get ready for it
i am a friend for lunch
that is time
last week
maybe one more opportunity to see her
she is
sclerosis is liver
and her family has lied to her
you're not telling her she's dying they're saying your liver has a chance that healing and who
but everybody saying
yeah she's dying she will die
she must now because hospices there
at last i felt like my time with her was an authentic because i played with the game
you know who but at the same time i feel such a big topic that it's really not my place
i might be harmful i want to say anything
that way behind for me so
do i just
play with that or do i bring up the topic of death
well i think playing with it
there's a good thing to do with that go play with her
and just pretend no nope we i pretend pretend you're playing with her
canada she's die
can you can pretend that you keep go and pretend you could say i don't know that you're dying you can sen
he might even that might be very helpful to for you the i don't know if you're dying he could also go and say i don't know if i'm dying
am i managed jackie i don't know if i'm dying i heard that i'm going to but i know if i am
actually didn't now that i said that i think i'm going to i feel like i'm dying
how about you how do you feel
i think playing with her is a good time to start playing with it when people are dying it's a really good time to start playing
whereas most people give our dynasty known on the old can't play here
and people were dying a love her children to come and play with them
come granddaddy what can i what's what's what's the what's that thing on your face granddaddy can i touch it
granddaddy come and play with me to leave maloney can't play more why not i think playing with people is always a good thing to do
he's good for you're pretending
you're pretending but you're not
asking them to believe that you're not pretending when children are pretending like i'm the doctor near the nurse now i'm not expecting you to believe in him a doctor
so he got pretend with their go pretend that you're not dying and she's not die
today i want to play a game with your called i'm never gonna die want to play that game with me
and he may say what are you talking about of course you're gonna die
why is to church want to play a game at all that's not a fun game it wasn't sorry
and then try again until she starts to to play with yourself and and started play with her own death you know at the time you don't know when she's going to die i don't know where you're going to die
so for family says you're not gonna die maybe they're right know maybe should not going to die this week or next week where i don't know
but i might die so i might die maybe you would die
let's play
and we figure start playing with this
this living and dying
we can take care of it
we can be careful when you're playing you're not necessarily not careful to claim playing playing baseball playing cards playing dolls to watch children play they're very careful about the way they play they very carefully cheat
and they very carefully thought want other people to follow the rules they're very careful they're very concentrated are very particular
but they're also know that they're pretending
there's some play there but they understood you know they understand that this is a game this is a pretense
see i would go up i would go play with her and isn't like or you're going to jack and she's going to tell the truth you know it's not you to do that
he loved this person
do you going on her
and show her how to play
you know it's very easy for people who were visiting
their loved ones who are sick to tense up and not too playful they don't need any don't need anybody to do that with them they already know how to be tense about their illness they know how to be have been ah to be afraid how about you going and being afraid with them and show you how to play when we're afraid
like you know when you're dancing
you know you may be afraid it that you know dancing while
fine but let's now play with that fear and now we can dance there's not much time left for any of us so let's play together and be creative together and be free together
that's what i would say to do with her not be the big law the law carrier with the tablets of truth you are gonna die you know soon you should face the as don't you know if the family doesn't wonder that you don't have to do it but they may not be able to be playful but if they are joined the play the point the point is for her to become in like
and as soon as possible
that's what's important for her to become free that's what we want for her if she lives for two more weeks great if she's free and if she lives for twenty more years which she's not free it doesn't know how to play as to bed
so teacher learn yourself how to play as soon as possible and go play with her go have a good time with their have a beautiful visit
and be as truthful as you can without
tell her what the truth is because that's not very polite to go around telling people at the truth is
you can say stop like to tell people what the truth is but has put its jetting display to say you know what i think is true
if you might say what you say i think it's true that i love you i think it's true that i felt gratitude to have you as a friend of these years
i think it's i feel it's true that i care about you and i want you to be happy
and are you
and you know that your truth give her your truth but doesn't not the truth
i'm glad you're gonna go see her tomorrow

not saying you don't you say is a
you know
yeah just gonna be quiet yeah
like a baby who can even talk disco you know play with her face polar cheeks touch their nose struck their hair what he knew lick them
just you know
get close touch them
show them are not afraid to touch you
i'm i'm okay to be with you i'm not here to fix you
i'm here to be careful with you i'm gonna take you carefully i'm going to touch you lovingly
yeah to say anything you want to fix anything
and yet without fixing
where careful were vigilant
or gentle or not trying to control this is a tremendous gift to give to people who enter in excellent health or really sick and everything in between
whatever age
little tiny babies
people who are on the verge of death while little tiny babies are often and person death
very young people who are in a virgin death and very old people who are in version death everybody's always in the verge of death
babies can drop you like that
all people conducted like that we can drop it like we're always on the verge of
so let's
let's love one another and what's your next line
let's love one another in right now my right let's start with the part right now
let's love one another right now and again and again carefully and a freak if we again you can love someone and not be careful
i go
i like to gripe it
poem by yeats
a mermaid found
of swimming lad
picked him for her own
crestor body to his body laughed
and plunging down
in cruel happiness that even lovers can drowned can drown
we have to be careful of our lovers to be careful of them
of course we're happy to be with them will have to be careful
i hope i was careful enough with you today
cause i i
i did kind of press my body to your body and i was pretty happy so i hope i didn't hurt you i no be drowned today
and this year for good share this year that i wanted the
innocent you can say theme songs are theme stories
this year has been the story of our ancestor
i as tours
don't on number two and leon sean
so leon sean was a chinese priest who was a student of another chinese breeze name don on
and one day
when the on shine was handing
come on down on his robe
danon said what is the business under the patch robe
and so this says here is calligraphy says what is the business under the petrol
which i wrote in the back of
the rounds rock sioux
who answers valencia for nashville
i wrote that in the back of the last four nations what is
what is the business under the bathroom
casey has brought 'em characters from his business
but also means phenomena what's the phenomena under the road
fair what's going on under the robe of the bodhisattva
what's going on your on under the role but the bodhisattva that was the question that the teacher asked the student and student said nothing
and the teacher said
to practice the buddha away
and not reached the this realm of this phenomena under the robe
that's the most painful thing
in a teacher said now you ask me
the students said what is the business
under the patch rob
so this is what
this sense is this is patch this says rob the says under this is phenomena or affair or business
what is what is the petro under business what is the business beneath the patch petrol the student asked the teacher and the teacher said
and the student and teacher were awakened together deeply

in a teacher said maybe the teacher said
do you understand now the student said
yes sir
can you prove it and students said yes asked me the question again and the teacher said the student
what is the business under the petrol and the students said
so now you
now you know the business under the patch robe is intimacy the business and the patch robe is be intimate with your fear
the person a petrol is to be caring for and protecting beings intimately
the sent the patch rob is to be close to everybody and playful with everybody and not try to control anybody be devoted to everybody without trying to control them
like i'm devoted to
and i lean without trying to control what they do here at know both the lot of projects in mind that they want to do
they tell me about their projects and i say no thank you i wonder that but i don't try to control you know by saying that son asked me again and again as l
pergola ideas how cure this place and i i not trying to control
i'm devoted to them i'm careful of them but they're not under my control and i don't want them to be
and i don't want you to be
and you're not with that part we got
you're not under my control
so i offer you these are copies of these calligraphy if you'd like to have taken home today he can happen
and on the the circle in the middle is a triple jewel sale and that writing on the left side is my name in my soup
my name is this part of my name can be translated as the whole works
can also say that business under the patch rob the whole works
the whole works is intimacy that with all workers
the whole works is
you being authentically who you are
whatever that is
at the moment
and an order to be authentically who you are you have to be
playful we are you have to be not too tight about who you are
even if you're tight you have to be relaxed about being title
then you'd be authentically tight
totally tight
and we're totally tight
you're not tied at all
so you all look very happy so maybe we should stop before any gets
it's impressive
may our intention he could extend to every the place where is the true
buddha as way these are numberless
a to save them delusions are inexhaustible i love to win them down margate are boundless ah to him to them buddha as way
is unsurpassable hi to become

he's over there please
yes case
well that story appears in a book in the transmission of light
case number forty one i believe
the forty first ancestor and r and r ninety
ninety two or ninety three generation lineage was
ah young leon shot in the forties hostage know it don't shine was more like about gun
thirty eight
don't i was thirty eight this is forty and forty one these two guys
fifty years later
same country
different time
good old