In response to what I have understood to be an invitation, I've been going around the world, or at least the English-speaking part of it, or where people can understand English part of it, and again, I understand that I'm being invited to bring up what I'm interested to bring up, and lately I've been interested in the true path of enlightenment, and so I've been mentioning to various people around that the true path of enlightenment is to sit upright, or to be upright, in a posture which has nothing to do with sitting, and

[01:03]

practice in the midst of a self-fulfilling samadhi. And this samadhi is, in practicing this samadhi, there is a continual awakening going on, so awakening to a reality, or the reality, or I guess a reality maybe, awakening to a reality that, or the type of reality which is that all beings are supporting us to live, and we are supporting all beings to live. Practicing in the midst of that awakening is the true path of awakening. And I've gotten a feedback, not just here, during this retreat, but also

[02:11]

in foreign lands, from various people, that the way they might put it is, this is not my experience, that all beings are supporting me to live and I'm supporting all beings, this is not my experience, and I don't believe it. I appreciate you coming to give the talk, but I don't believe, and I don't experience what you're talking about. And I say over and over, I'm not asking you to believe it, but I would suggest you understand it. If you want to live the path of true enlightenment, I think it's good if you understand this. So you don't have to believe it, but maybe listen to it and contemplate it. And as you

[03:14]

listen to it and contemplate it, in fact, you might keep coming back to me and say, hey, this is not my experience, and I don't feel like my practice is coming from this experience or this understanding. I don't feel like I'm practicing in the midst of this awareness. But this feeling of not, of that you're, when one feels this way and reports it, one is according with many ancient examples of great ancestors who have also expressed to their teacher, this is not my experience, this Dharma thing. They honestly said, this

[04:22]

is not my experience. So yesterday, I think Charlene asked a question, something like, when things happen and it's really hard to accept that this is supportive, when you feel really shocked and knocked off balance by what's happening and you don't feel like, oh, this is so supportive of my life, what do you do? And I asked her, what do you think? And she said various things, but the one thing she didn't bring up, which I mentioned is, confess that, I forgot the teaching or I don't see the teaching right now. This doesn't seem like support what's happening. This does not, I don't see this like, oh great, this is so supportive of my life. I don't feel like that. I feel like this is like hard to understand as

[05:29]

supportive or even if it's hard to understand supportive, I don't, it's really uncomfortable the way it's supportive, etc. Anyway, I confess. So, the principle of the vow which we chant at the beginning is, number one, I vow to hear the true Dharma and that if I hear it, I will, either I vow to maintain it or by hearing it, I will renounce worldly affairs. When I hear the true Dharma, I will renounce worldly affairs or something like that. I vow to hear the true Dharma, to really let it in, and then I vow to, when I hear it, I will maintain it and I will renounce worldly affairs. And when I hear and renounce worldly affairs, then I will be able to maintain the Buddha Dharma. This kind of vow we chant at the beginning,

[06:35]

but then he says, but because of karmic accumulations, it's kind of hard to do that practice. So, again, people are basically demonstrating that and they're coming and showing that because of karmic accumulations, it's hard to hear this Dharma and it's hard to give up worldly affairs. But again, all of this is really difficult and so on, and all people are also saying, this is not my experience and I feel sorrow that it's not, or this is not my experience and I feel sorrow that I do not experience the world as supporting my life. I feel the great sorrow that I don't feel grateful for everything that's happening. And then I say, well, that's repentance. That's sorrow that you feel unsupported by all beings

[07:41]

and the actions which arise in you because you feel unsupported and the sorrow you feel over those, that's feeling that sorrow is repentance. And confessing that you don't see this world and you're not awakened to this reality, that's confession. This confession and repentance, again, has been practiced apparently by ancestors and they say that if you do this practice, or this practice can happen, this melts away the root of veering away from, transgressing away from, this reality, which we naturally transgress, we naturally drift away from this awareness of reciprocal assistance and support. We innately veer away from that by our addictions, our addictions to, basically, existence and non-existence, or addiction to taking the view of existence and non-existence,

[08:48]

or etc. All these ways we veer away, we transgress, but by confessing, not just our transgressions, but also our lack of seeing this interdependence, we melt away the root of this transgression. But it's a hard practice, a hard and sorrowful practice. And the more I talk about this, the more people, and the more we chant this vow to practice confession and repentance, and the more we say that this practice of confession and repentance, in the context of the vow to hear the true Dharma, the more we do that, this is the pure and simple color of true practice, the true body of faith, the true mind of faith. The true body of faith includes that you say, I don't believe this.

[09:52]

At least you believe, I think it's good to tell the truth. I truthfully say that for me, I do not see the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas assisting me. I don't see it, I don't experience it, and I feel sorrow about it. People are doing this. It's kind of sorrowful, but it's also kind of wonderful that people are actually acting like the ancient practitioners who had the same problem. For centuries and centuries and centuries, people, for centuries, millions of people have tried to practice this way and have expressed, I do not experience this, I have not awakened to this, to this reality, and I am in sorrow about it, and I'm in sorrow about other things too.

[11:01]

Which maybe Rev will mention later. But although it's a little bit hard for me to hear this, a little bit painful to hear people saying, you know, this is not my experience, I don't believe, blah blah blah, all those different ways, and also it's sorrowful, and even like getting angry at me for bringing up something like this, I don't mean to force it on you, but you're making me, you're requesting me, keep putting it out there. I hear your request. Now, if you all say, no, [...] you misunderstand, we really want you to shut up. I will shut up, if it's very clear. Just go like this.

[12:06]

Make that peace sign, I'll stop. But then if I think I'm invited again, I'll start. You have to keep stopping me. The young monk, Deng Xian, somehow wound up in a Zen monastery, or some kind of Buddhist temple in China, back in the Tang Dynasty, and he was hearing the Heart Sutra, in Chinese probably, and when it got to the part about in emptiness there's no eyes, no ears, no nose, no tongue, and so on, he said, excuse me, I have eyes, and ears, and nose, and so on, why does the Heart Sutra say not, that's not my experience? And the teacher said, okay, you get a new teacher. That young monk, he had the courage and honesty to say, hey, wait a minute,

[13:15]

I just wanted to make clear that this is not my experience with this Heart Sutra thing. But in the end, he sang the Precious Mirror Samadhi. In the end he said, you are not it, it actually is you. In the end he said, this world is like facing a jewel mirror. Everywhere you look, you see yourself. In a very beautiful way. Everyone supports you. Finally, it was his experience. Finally, when he looked in the water, he saw himself. Finally, he saw himself in everything. He finally understood, he awoke to the reality, and then he transmitted it as it had been transmitted to him. But he also was that way.

[14:16]

Before Zen Masters are in Zen Masters, they're just like people today that are pre-Zen Master. Before Buddhas were Buddhas, they were just like us. They had the same problems that we have. If we have these kind of problems, if we feel like, I'm happy that I don't feel supported by all people, and I don't want to support anybody, it's really great, this is not their experience. Because they actually somehow, even though they couldn't understand that everyone was supporting them, they still wanted to support everybody else. They still wanted to become good people who are helping everyone, but they had not yet awoken to the reality that everyone's helping them. And there's quite a few people who say, I'm happy to help other people, and I want to help other people, but I don't see that everybody's helping me. And actually, I don't see that I'm helping everybody. So, once the wish to help all beings comes and you commit to it, then if you

[15:25]

don't see this vision, it's good to admit it, and you probably will have some problem if you don't. So, yeah, so that's the way it is here at Green Gulch Farm now. And there's quite a few people who honestly say, I have not awoken to this reality, especially when it comes to you. You in particular, you, Rev, are not supporting me. And then, one might ask, well, first of all, I would say that part of the way to open to this awakening is to practice renunciation. So, Stephen repeatedly offers that, you know, he doesn't know how to do anything without a gaining idea.

[16:26]

When cookies are offered, it's like a big, you know, it's a kind of puzzle, you know, which cookie will I gain the most from? And he's been honestly giving other examples over the years of, like, he just can't see how to do anything without a gaining idea, or put it the other way, he can easily see how gaining idea comes into almost all his actions, and he doesn't know why he would do anything if he wasn't going to get something out of it. Right? Yeah. So that's his confession. And so, one way to open to this reality is to become free of activity, excuse me, come free, not so much of the activity, but become free of becoming happy when you gain something, and when you gain something good, basically,

[17:38]

and becoming unhappy when you lose something good. Not to mention even giving up trying to do things to get stuff, so you'll be happy, not to mention that, but even when something good happens, to relate to it in such a way that you don't get jacked up by getting stuff and knocked down by losing stuff. To get to a place where people, when people are praising you, you don't get jacked up, and when they're despising you, you don't get knocked down. To enter into a mind which doesn't get pushed around by gain and loss, praise and blame, and then of course, in that state, you also give up actions to get gain and avoid loss. This is renunciation of worldly affairs. And if we look at that, we may see, I have not yet found that way of being. When I

[18:47]

get something nice, I still kind of like, don't just get something nice and say thank you, and feel grateful, even before I feel grateful and say thank you, I feel good, I feel good when I get, and I feel bad when I lose. So that's not where I'm at. So I haven't really realized renunciation. Okay, confess that, and how do you feel about it? And get into that, and at a certain point you might feel like, even before you feel sorrow at like getting jacked up by gain and knocked down by loss, even before you get in touch with sorrow about that, you might even feel like, that would be sick, or that would be stupid, or that would be inhuman or something, I don't even want to be that way. This is part of the process that you would get angry or irritated even at the idea of renunciation, of jacked up by

[19:53]

gain and knocked down by loss. But after you calm down about that, or if you can settle down about that, then you can look more carefully at this. You can contemplate the mind of equanimity which actually doesn't pop up when you win the lottery, without even entering. Somebody else entered you because you're not like into gambling, right? Somebody just, you know, without your permission, they should have asked you, but without your permission they said, wouldn't that be cute, let's go buy a raffle ticket for a Zen student, or let's buy a lottery ticket for a Zen student, and then they win, and not only did they win, but then, you know, somehow they didn't keep the money for themselves, and they said, guess what, you just won 22 million dollars here, and they give it to you

[20:53]

and you go, is that so? Like, hmm, that's interesting. A lot of people say, I don't want to be that way. And then some of the person said, just kidding, it's not really yours, and then you say, okay, who's is it? Or whatever, you know. I don't want to be that way. Over the last half century or so, I have occasionally watched TV, and I have seen, I haven't spent a lot of time watching what they call giveaway shows or whatever, where they give these people like refrigerators, and cars, and washing machines, and money, you know, they just give it to them, and then when they give it to them, the people

[21:54]

jump up and down. They get very excited. I don't know if they choose these people, like, by the audience, like, really, people heard, like, sitting in the audience kind of jumping up and they're down in their seats, like, choose me, choose me, choose me, I'll be really excited, and I'll look happy if you give it to me. I don't know how they choose these people, but usually they're, usually they're very enthusiastic when they win these prizes, and also, you know, they're kind of good sports when they lose, but they usually look a little depressed when they lose. Now imagine having people, somebody on there, and they, you bring them up, and they win the TV, and they go, you want to keep the TV, or you want to go for a million dollars? Yeah, just imagine Suzuki Roshi on one of those shows.

[23:18]

Can you imagine him jumping up, a TV, a TV, a washing machine, a good Zen student, yay, well, a great disciple, thank you. Thank you is okay, but, and being excited is okay too, but, about gain? I don't think the Buddha gets excited about gain. I think the Buddha gets excited about people waking up. I think when the Buddha sees someone awakened to the reality, I think the Buddha is just, you know, that's the Buddha. The Buddha is like realized by that, and at that time the Buddha glows, and the person glows, and the whole universe glows, it's a very huge, warm, infinite light, occurs, full of joy, and bliss, and love, and peace, but not necessarily

[24:27]

Buddha jumping up and down. And also, anyway, between now, or between this situation where it's not my experience that all beings are supporting me, and that I'm supporting all beings, it's not my experience, between that unawakened state and that awakened state, how do we practice? Well, how do we practice between such a state and such a state? What's the practice? Anybody? Confession and Repentance. I'm in an unawakened state today, and I feel some sorrow about it, it's not extremely like disabling sorrow, it's a sorrow which just gently, tenderly pushes me along

[25:27]

the path to continue to meditate on this very fact, and to keep checking. Awake yet? Good morning, awake? Well, sort of, which keep checking it out, okay, yes, sir. And also, between now and then, practice renunciation, in other words, give up getting excited about gain, and depressed about loss. And between now, and when you can practice that way, practice Confession and Repentance, that you haven't yet attained the state of renunciation. In other words, you're still kind of like, oh my God, I can't help it, here it comes, here it comes, oh I'm happy, I won the lottery, I can't help it. I was walking along the street, like Stephen said, just walking along the street, minding my own business, they come up to me and they say, you won the lottery, and this little bubble of joy came up, I couldn't help it, like, I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I am happy I won the lottery,

[26:33]

now I can have my own Zen center, and hire my own Zen students, make up my own precepts, the precepts of this Zen center are the ones I'm already practicing. I'm perfect. So I confess, when I won the lottery, there was a little blip. Hey, Reb, when you won the lottery, was there a little blip of happiness, and did you get a little happy when you won the lottery? Yes, I did. Did you feel sorrow? A little bit of sorrow in the midst of that little bit of happiness. Did you jump up and down? No, I didn't go that far. And I told you, you know, when I broke my leg, my first reaction was a little bit of,

[27:43]

oh, darn. But then I said, relax, got back on the practice, okay, relax, here we go, here we go. And then some of the Berkeley people know that just before, the day before I was going to go to Europe, like two weeks ago, I was going to teach a class at the yoga room in Berkeley, and I went to the Berkeley YMCA and had a nice, very lovely workout. You know, it was kind of like gaining a little bit, but watching to make sure I wasn't

[28:44]

too happy about it. And then I walked out and over to my car, and I went to where my car was, but my car was not where I thought my car was supposed to be, and I walked up and down the street where I thought my car was, and it just wasn't on that street. And I thought, well, I don't really mind losing my car that much, I kind of want to get a hybrid anyway. I didn't want to go to trouble with shopping, but, you know, now that's not a problem, I don't mind the car being gone. But then I remembered, oh, but I'm going to Europe tomorrow and my passport is in the car, and I don't think I can go tomorrow if I don't have a passport. So then there's a retreat and 90 people are going to be upset. And then I also remembered two of my Buddhist robes are in the car, and what are the thieves going to do with my robes? I started to feel kind

[29:46]

of bad about that. So anyway, there was some loss there. There was not much gain, but there was some loss, potential loss, and I had some difficulty with it. And I was walking around the streets of Berkeley, you know, maybe walking around basically one street of Berkeley, saying out loud, I was right in the middle of the street saying, unbelievable, unbelievable, this is happening, unbelievable. Now, this street happens to be one block from the Berkeley police station, so I went to the police station, but I noticed in the police station while I was waiting for assistance, I noticed that my energy had been disturbed by my response to this unexpected positioning of my car. So, you know, so I kind of, I confessed and I

[30:59]

confessed that there was a disturbance there, in the loss of the car and the passport and the robe, and the sugar-free gum that I bought for my grandson. There was a little bit of, so I confessed that. So, if there wasn't a disturbance, that would have been cool, then I would have been saying in the middle of the street, wow, this is great, amazing, my car's gone, my passport, and it's like, cool, wow, great, this is like amazing, rather than unbelievable, it's amazing. But it wasn't that way, it was more like unbelievable. So anyway, I went and I spent a while in the police station waiting for help, and then finally I got the help, and I made my report, and then the policeman said, do you want

[32:00]

to ride to the yoga room? I mean, do you want to ride to the place you're going to teach? And I said, yeah, thanks, really nice guy. And I said, maybe I'll just go over and show you where the car was, I'll meet you over there. He says, okay. So I went over to where the car was, and I got to the street, and I thought, I looked at the street, and the street had one of those turnarounds, and that's how I, and when I came there, I saw the turnaround and then parked, but then I looked and I saw the next street had a turnaround, too. So maybe I parked on the next street. So I went down the next street, got to the turnaround, and I looked left. Hmm, any cars down there that look like that one I used to have? I didn't see one, but I saw something that is in, that used to be in my car,

[33:07]

one of those bridge transponders. I said, what's a transponder? Maybe that's my car. Oh, yeah, it is my car. Now, when I found my car again, I did not get shot way up, though. That was pretty good. There's a little blip, like, well, I found my car. Okay, now I'm going to Europe tomorrow. And I, it was more like, hmm, I kind of recovered somewhat. Sometimes when you're walking along, minding your own business, and then whacko, no thanks, I don't want this reality, and that, and you see how that works, then you kind of like, okay, there it is, and you're kind of like, okay, I confess, you got me. You got me, world. That wasn't, I know, okay, yeah, okay, all right. Yeah, okay, I got, I got it. Okay, okay, now I'm ready for the next one. And the next one is,

[34:08]

here's your car back. Okay, we got a car. But I didn't go up as much for getting the car as down for losing the car. So, prior to, like, getting to a place where when you win the lottery and you go, hmm, and then somebody take away your whatever, and you go, hmm, prior to that place, you practice mindfulness of how you are, and you notice, shot up a little bit, you know, on one to ten, like three, three up, two down, or seven down, four up, you know, you notice, you confess, I get jacked around by gain and loss. I confess it. And the more you confess it and feel, and repent it, the more you become this really uninteresting person on TV shows.

[35:13]

They won't invite you to the, what do you call it, the giveaway shows, and also they probably won't invite you to talk shows. So you're just not that interesting a person. But you start to get ready to open, to awakening to the reality of this thing, and then when you awaken to it, and your conduct starts coming more and more from not trying to get gain and loss because you're looking for the shoot-up that you get from it, and not trying to avoid the loss because you're trying to avoid the bring-down of it, but you're developing this equanimity so that you can practice the Buddha way. So there's a lot of confession and repentance opportunities probably coming between now and awakening. Oh, he came to me.

[36:24]

When the policeman came? Oh, when the policeman came, he said to me, he told me something, he said he told me the various options, and one of the options was, if you're a very lucky guy, you'll get your car back today. So I drove the car from where it was to where I thought it was, because where I thought it was, was where he was coming to meet me. So I had the car there, you know, on the middle of the street, no, I think I parked the car, I'm not sure, but I had the car there someplace on that street, and I was standing outside the car walking around saying, unbelievable! And the policeman drives up and he says, I assume that's your car. And I said, yes it is, and I said, I am a really lucky guy, like you said,

[37:38]

and I said, thanks for bringing me my car. And I shook his hand and I said, I'm sorry to take your time, and he said, no problem. It was very nice to see the policeman, we had a nice meeting. But it was nice before that too, I felt supported by him. And then when you're sitting in Zen meditation halls between where you are and awakening to the reality of this self-fulfilling samadhi, before you completely are centered in this samadhi, between being somewhat off-center and being in the center, you're practicing sitting.

[38:40]

So then how do you practice? Well, you practice not sitting to get to the center. You're not really off the center, you just don't, it's not your experience that you're at that center. You actually are there, but your experience is you're off-center, you're away from the place where all the good stuff's coming to support life, or you think that that place doesn't exist anywhere. You actually don't believe the Buddha is sitting at the place of supporting all beings and being supported by all beings. You don't believe it, it's not your experience. So anyway, in that situation, how do you practice to realize that? You don't practice to get to that place, you don't practice to become a Buddha, you practice as a Buddha. You practice sitting as becoming Buddha, not sitting to become Buddha. And you practice being Buddha as sitting. You practice that way,

[39:46]

even though you don't quite get it, then you confess, I don't quite get it, but that's the way I'm practicing. I'm practicing not to get something, but I'm practicing like a Buddha, which is the Buddha practices as sitting Buddha. Buddha is not trying to get anything. So you practice that way, and then you keep saying, but I'm not practicing that way. I'm still trying to get something out of this practice. If Buddha somehow was in that state, Buddha would say, I'm practicing to get something out of this. But Buddha doesn't do that. But Buddha does say, before I was Buddha, that's the way I practiced too. I was just like that before I was Buddha. Buddha, Shakyamuni Buddha, confessed that before he was Buddha, he had problems like this. And he was embarrassed about it. He isn't like, okay, I'm kind of like into gain and loss,

[40:46]

and that's cool. It's more like, it's really embarrassing that I am. I feel uncomfortable about it. After his awakening, he said that's the way he was prior to it. So really Buddha was like us, if we are also confessing that, if I'm into gain and loss, if that's my game, and I don't confess it, then that's not like Buddha. Buddha was into that and confessing it and repenting it. Buddha was not just into it. Maybe incalculable eons before Buddha was just into gain and loss and not even aware and confessing. But for many, many lifetimes, Buddha was working with this. So we have this opportunity to do the same practice that Buddha did, which is notice that our renunciation is not complete and our realization

[41:53]

therefore is somewhat blocked. But noticing that the renunciation is not complete and noticing that our awakening is not complete, and feeling sorrow about that, that is the pure and simple color of true practice. But it's kind of difficult to be in that state for a long time. One person said to me, I feel hypnotized into making a commitment and but my experience is that when I leave here, when I leave this retreat or this session or Green Gulch,

[43:00]

or when you're not in my face hypnotizing me to make these commitments, I'm just going to be totally into gain and loss. I'll just be constantly concerned with gain and loss as soon as I leave here. And I said, well maybe you could like have two little flags or something, I don't know what color, maybe a red flag and a green flag or something, and every time you either you gain something and feel happy, just raise the red flag and jump up and down three times. I gain something and I'm happy, I gain something and I'm happy, I gain something and I'm happy, and then when you lose something to the other one. Just to sort of dramatize and become aware of being into this. Although you may not be able to stop being concerned for gain and loss, you may be able to go, okay that's like where I am, I'm like Mr. into gain right now. I'm just a completely worldly person admitting that and seeing how you feel when you really admit that in a sincere way.

[44:08]

And if you do feel a little bit of discomfort about being such a person, that will melt away the root of such concern. And we can be aware of this, and we can acknowledge it. So, and the commitment, the commitment part is the commitment generally speaking will accentuate this. So, if you feel some impulse or some forces moving you towards commitment, it doesn't mean that when you commit then after that, if you commit to the path of renunciation of concern for gain and loss, it doesn't mean

[45:10]

that you're going to not be concerned for gain and loss, it just means that because of that commitment you probably will be more pressured or supported to notice and confess and repent your gain and loss, your non-renunciate state. If you commit to renunciation, then when you're not practicing renunciation there's a little bit more support there, but it comes in the form of feeling a little worse or a lot worse than you would if you didn't commit to renunciation. Everybody really feels a little bit uncomfortable when they're not practicing renunciation. They may not be aware of it, but I suggest that they're a little uncomfortable when they're jumping up and down on the stage. I'm selling out my Buddha nature for this refrigerator.

[46:18]

It's not that your Buddha nature is disturbed, it's just that you're selling it out, you're betraying it, but Buddha nature is totally supporting you to do that. Yes? No, there's more to repentance than just being sorry or sorrowful. The other part of repentance is reformation. So, there's a variety of sorrows. One type of sorrow is the type of sorrow which reforms you. That's repentance. If you feel sorrowful, I don't know what, like again, feeling sorry that you didn't win the lottery, that type of sorrow does not reform you. It pushes you more down into gain and loss, probably. But sorrow that you're so concerned about getting something out of life,

[47:26]

sorrow that you're going against what you actually maybe understand all the ancestors are recommending, and you actually want to practice it, and you've committed to it, and it's not happening, and you feel sorrow about that. The type of sorrow which transforms you into the person you want to be, that's the repentance. It's fruitful sorrow, is repentance. It's not banging your head or banging yourself and hurting yourself, sorrow. It's enlightening, liberating sorrow. That's repentance. So, first confession, and then, how do you feel about that? Well, I feel kind of sorry. Well, just kind of sorry may be just right. Or you might feel really sorry. But really sorry could still be in the ballpark of like, really sorry, and now I really want to practice this. This way of mindfulness of outflows,

[48:36]

mindfulness of the outflows which occur around gain and loss. Buddha's enlightenment was end of outflows, end of concern for gain and loss, and Zen teachers also taught for centuries, end concern for gain and loss. But Buddha and the Zen masters had problems with this, and they confessed it, and they felt sorrowful about it, and it melted away, that practice of confession and repentance, melted away the root of concern for gain and loss. And when you find yourself in the land of pettiness, have you ever noticed that place? I'm one of the petty people. I'm like concerned about whether I got, you know, what do you call it, 15 degrees of pizza or 16 degrees of pizza. I'm like into that. I'm like into measuring whether I got a mushroom or not.

[49:37]

This is where I'm at, you know. This is the kind of person I am. I'm like, this is a big mind, right? How many mushrooms did I get? Noticing that, and feeling sorry that you're such a petty creature, and that pettiness makes you feel like, I would like to like, next time a pizza comes, I would like to really like meet it, you know, in a state of renunciation, where I could open to, all beings are supporting me and the pizza. And Suzuki Roshi, again, you know, he, what is it, he told the story of him, you know, going swimming with the students at Tassajara, shortly after we moved to Tassajara, he went swimming with the students at Tassajara, down to this place called the Narrows, we have a swimming pool at Tassajara, I mean, a natural swimming pool, and he went swimming with them, and he told us this story

[50:38]

about, you know, the students jumped in, and then he jumped in, but he forgot he didn't know how to swim. And then, so the students went under the water, and he went under the water, and then students came up, and he didn't. And the students thought, oh, wow, he can really hold his breath a long time. Well, he's a Zen master, right? So, he can probably stay on there weeks. So, after about a week, they thought, maybe we should go down and get him. And so, they went down and got him, and actually, he was, like, drowning. But anyway, he survived that one. And he said, when he was under there, he was, like, looking at the girl's legs and stuff. And he says, you know, he was kind of embarrassed that he was a Zen master, jumping in the water, kind of getting excited and jumping in the water, forgetting that he didn't know how to swim. And he says, after that,

[51:42]

I really just started to practice hard. So, even the founder of Zen Center, just a couple of years before he died, was noticing a slip-up in his mindfulness, and feeling kind of bad about it, and repenting. And, as a result, saying, I'm going to really start practicing hard now. And then, at dinner, his, you know, semi- not completely awake students having dinner with him, you know, in the dining room, one of them says, Hiroshi, you said that after that happened, you really started to practice hard. He said, weren't you practicing hard before that? And he said, yeah, but after that, I really started to practice hard. So, you can be sincere, but still, when you notice your lack of faith in practice, and you confess it,

[52:44]

and repent it, before the Buddhas, you get even more sincere. You can get more and more sincere. Anyway, today's sincerity, fresh sincerity, that kind of sorrow, then I really want to, I really do want to practice. And it seems appropriate, since I'm an old Zen master, I probably should be practicing. And I really do want to, and this sorrow really helps me. It doesn't, it's not debilitating sorrow, it's encouraging, transformative sorrow. That's what we mean by repentance in this context. If you feel sorry about things you do, and then you feel discouraged, that sorriness is not repentance, that's indulgence, going too far. And I've seen people go too far, and say, that's too far, come back, come back, that's too much. That's not repentance. That's self-pity,

[53:47]

blah, blah, you know, this is another mistake. Come back, that's the right amount. Okay, now, that pushes you to practice. Over here, it's like, just pulls you down. It's just lots of, you know, that's for TV shows. But right here, this is not very interesting. This is not very exciting. But this little bit of sorrow will push you back on the path. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yes and yes? Yes? I have a real conventional... Yes? I I hear you about the saving of and it's very much you put it in very simplified terms Yeah? However, my experience in my life is in speaking my truth is having justice Yeah? and I've got to always

[54:49]

be not be just being passive Right. I need to take certain actions in order to live my truth Okay. In a tolerable way. It's not just about I'm going to get something and I'm not going to get something. But that you know, I see citizen is passive and I think am I doing the right thing or am I not? Should I walk away from the situation? What is justice? What is accountability? What is my truth? Should I just walk away from it? Or Well, I think the question Well, I think sometimes it's a good idea to stand up If you're standing on the ground I think it's good to stand on the ground when you're standing on the ground and then I think asking the question

[55:51]

What is justice? seems like a good question to me I think that question could be asked if you have time, every moment What is justice? And what action will promote justice in this situation? And I'm saying I'm suggesting that if while you're acting in the world while you're actually acting or while I'm acting in the world if I'm focusing on if I'm committed to focusing on justice I think that's a good commitment in practicing the Buddha way But in addition to practicing focusing on justice I also am suggesting that if I want to awaken to the reality of the world that it helps if I also watch out for am I in my devotion to meditating on justice

[56:51]

am I concerned with personal gain and loss? That's all Just keep watching for that because me being concerned to get something for myself or anyway, me being concerned with gain and loss I suggest undermines realizing the path of justice So this awareness of my concern for gain and loss is intended to help me walk the path of justice and act in accord with the commitment or the wish to practice in accord with justice Me trying to get something out of the situation or avoid losing something it distracts me from the real important issue which is justice for all freedom and justice for all If you have that concern if that's what you want really freedom and justice for all then I'm suggesting, my view is that watching out for your own sense

[57:53]

of trying to get something will help you realize that So it's a kind of mindfulness of veering off from what's really important to you And I'm speaking of it in simple terms maybe but I know it gets complicated to apply it But still, even in complicated situations I still seem to be able to sometimes notice a little bit of excitement over loss You know, driving down the streets of Berkeley, Oakland, San Francisco it's a fairly complicated thing, especially if people are crawling all over you while you're doing it but you can still notice maybe some gain and loss, some concern with gain and loss going on and if that's the case, confess that concern with gain and loss and that will melt away

[58:54]

the root of the concern for gain and loss. Gain and loss do happen but the fixation on that issue can drop and then you can be more effective working for justice for all I propose that but I don't say it's easy A tiny one? Is it okay if she asks a tiny unrelated question? Huh? Yes, go ahead It's not about first dates, is it? What is that that we have to do with pebbles, tiles What does it have to do with it?

[59:55]

That may seem like a tiny question Does that seem like a tiny question? What did you say? Tiny pebbles I would be happy to respond to that tiny question but the response because it's it's a response about how tiny pebbles are engaged in Buddha activity it's a big response so if you want to bring it up again I will open, I'll pull back the curtains on the stage and show how pebbles are engaged in Buddha activity but right now I think that if I did that or we did that if I responded to this I wouldn't be able to respond to the other people who raised their hand but I don't think your question was even the tiniest bit

[61:00]

even one tiny pebble beside the point I think the way that pebbles are engaged in Buddha activity is exactly the reality that the Buddhas are encouraging us to wake up to but I can't really like expound that right now and still be able to get to the other people before lunch so if you bring it up again I'll be happy to pull the curtains back on that one okay? Miriam I think was next and I'm wondering now sitting without trying to get anything is the door to the awareness

[62:00]

of self-fulfillment the realization of self-fulfillment comes to people who are sitting without trying to get anything out of the sitting so the renunciation of gain in sitting or standing or whatever if you're in that mode if you're willing to let go of trying to get something out of the sitting that tends to open you to wake up in such a way that your self will be fulfilled or to wake up to how your self is fulfilled so the renunciation of concern for gain and loss is kind of like the price of admission to this awareness, this self-fulfilling awareness and again self-fulfilling is one way to translate this this Chinese word for this samadhi. Another way to translate it is receptive samadhi

[63:02]

another way to translate it is self-receiving and employing samadhi when you're aware of receiving yourself and how your self that's received is employed that awareness is a fulfilling awareness when you think you've already got a self and then you're going to use it that's called self unfulfilled awareness when you're already here you have an unfulfilled self the self you've already got the self you're holding on to that self is never fulfilled it's an illusion that cannot be fulfilled but the self that everybody gives you the self which appears in receptivity that self is the fulfilling self and the fulfilled self but in order to see that we have to lighten up on the gain and loss because the gain and loss

[64:05]

is kind of like saying ok, I want to see the fulfilled self while holding on to the unfulfilled self I'm just going to keep holding on to this self which is concerned with gain and loss and which is separate from everybody and while holding on to this I'm going to see if I can see the one that's fulfilled by everybody no, you have to kind of let go of that one a little bit to let the other one appear now once you realize the other one then gain and loss will not be much of an issue anymore it doesn't make any sense anymore so you don't have to then you don't have to renounce gain and loss because you just can't even find any everything is totally fulfilled all the time so prior to realization you kind of like renounce gain and loss after realization you understand that it's ridiculous and so you don't even have to renounce it because you can't even find it so by warming up to it

[65:05]

that's one way to warm up to it just, you know renounce gain and loss and then again notice how you haven't accomplished the renunciation and confess that you're still involved in gain and loss until you really finally completely lighten up on it so you still see gain and loss but you're not caught by it and in that mode you find out that there is no gain and loss and of course when you in that state also when you see there is none then when you see the gain and loss again you don't fall for it but mostly we're confessing that we do see gain and loss still and we're caught by it therefore there's some a little bit or a lot of obscuration of this wonderful world of interdependence okay I don't know who was next there was a lot of people over here was there any people over there? no, it was mostly over here

[66:06]

yes the aspect of dependence are you saying that just by feeling the feelings you have after the confession of feelings of sorrow or whatever those feelings are frustrations no but close if I'm I don't know what let's say I'm rude to you or something and I confess to myself and maybe to my teacher and maybe to you I'm sorry I was rude I acknowledge I was kind of rude to you you felt that I was rude and I could see how you'd feel that way and I'm sorry and then that feeling of sorrow is part of the repentance you don't really do the sorrow but there is a sorrow there sometimes and that sorrow is your great resource

[67:10]

and your job is not so much to create the sorrow but just to like feel it don't resist the feeling try to feel it in the most tender respectful way that's the first part of repentance I think you might say repentance also includes the transformation so repentance is the feeling which leads to transformation but I think also the transformation is also part of the repentance but you don't do the transformation it's just that you change when you feel sorrow and you're transformed by feeling sorrow and unskillfulness people who do something unskillful and don't feel sorrow they change too but they change usually towards more unskillfulness people who feel neutral maybe they change in another way but people who feel sorrow that sorrow transforms them towards virtue

[68:12]

so the feeling and the transformation I would include all that under repentance or just say that repentance is the type of sorrow that has the effect of transformation so either include the transformation in the repentance or say that repentance is a type of sorrow which supports so in some way you can't tell if the repentance works until there's transformation does that make sense? yes and the sorrow could include a feeling as far as frustration can be part of that sorrow or different aspects of sorrow emotions feeling frustration you mean like feeling frustrated in doing things skillfully for example that might be a dimension

[69:15]

related to the sorrow might be a feeling of frustration any other things around that you might see? guilt in some ways is a tricky word too guilt in some ways is the confession you say I'm guilty it looks like I'm guilty of unskillfulness but I think the way people use guilt is that not only admitting that you're admitting responsibility for this but also I think maybe drifting the guilt over maybe into the repentance into feeling sorrow but I thought you were going to say but what some people mean by guilt is banging yourself on the head you know and I think it's better to feel the sorrow than to do something to yourself so that you'll feel the sorrow like I did something unskillful

[70:17]

I should probably feel sorrow but I don't feel it so if I hit myself then that'll feel like sorrow so maybe that will I don't know about that I'm not sure about that I don't think so what? well there's some self-judgment in this too that I think I was unskillful shame I think is there too shame one translation of shame is self-respect that you you do something unskillful and you feel like you know actually this is not appropriate for me I actually don't want to live this way so but anyway there's some ill will can arise around

[71:18]

awareness of unskillfulness and I don't think the ill will I don't think hoping ill for yourself is appropriate because that's another thing to confess but the ill will might arise in the same neighborhood as the sorrow but the ill will doesn't positively transform you it just causes more trouble but anyway you can confess that then but I think sometimes people do have the sorrow arising and then this ill will pops up rather than feel the sorrow they veer off into like wanting to punish themselves or be mean to themselves or hurt somebody else even like I did something unskillful I feel bad about it and then in my pain I think maybe now I want to distract myself from it by hurting somebody else this is of course really too bad but it can happen it's part of the danger that you have to watch out for of hurting someone else

[72:22]

because you did something unskillful and feel bad about it it's tough right it's a mess being unenlightened is dangerous yes a question about how beings are supporting each other when you talk when I think about the war in Iraq and the chaos that came out of that are you talking about the essence of each the true essence of each being of service or of support to each other and not exactly when people are doing things that are unskillful like killing are you talking about the true essence of who we are supporting each other the way we are supporting each other

[73:29]

could be called our true nature yes and so our true nature is that we here in this room are supporting the people in Iraq right now and they are supporting us their sorrow is supporting our life we are supported by beings who are in great sorrow and our sorrow if we are sorrowful is supporting them their happiness is supporting our life our happiness is supporting their life the way we are supporting each other I proposed to you is our true nature and we are supporting all beings and all beings are supporting us and some beings who we are supporting and who are supporting us do not at all seem or have very little awareness that we are supporting them and that they are supporting us

[74:31]

some beings do not feel like we are their most dear friend or that they are our most dear friend they don't see it that way and when they feel that way in an extreme way they are very afraid of us and hate us if they really feel that way that they do not feel that we are supporting them or they are supporting us and when we don't feel that other people are supporting us and we don't feel like we are supporting them and we don't want to support them that's very close to hate it doesn't take much more to slip into hating them and also when we feel that way we are afraid of them generally speaking we are afraid of people who we don't think support us even in this room if I don't think somebody is supporting me in giving these Dharma talks I would be afraid to some extent if people come to see me and tell me that I'm a jerk terrible teacher

[75:32]

causing a lot of trouble or they tell other people that about me that I'm a bad this and a bad that if I don't feel supportive of them and that they are supportive of me I might be afraid of what they are doing and afraid of them so all over the world people who awaken to this interdependence are people who are not afraid of people and who care for people and all over the world people who do not awaken to this are people who are afraid of people and sometimes hate people and want to hurt them so the nature of all beings is the same this Buddha nature this true nature is the same but because people do not understand it they are scared disoriented confused etc.

[76:33]

and in that situation their actions can be very cruel to themselves and others they can kill themselves and kill others because they are so confused and frightened and angry based on that fear but still in fact it's not that they are actually not being supportive they are just ignoring it and when they ignore it they feel terrible and when they feel terrible they sometimes do terrible things not always sometimes they say I feel terrible and they confess they feel terrible and then they start to recover like us who are practicing but also all over the world people are waking up to that and recovering some people in Iraq both Americans Europeans and Iraqis some of them are waking up from this delusion that they are not being supported by all beings and some of them are still in that dream and

[77:33]

fighting with each other viciously and being disrespectful of each other but also here in America people are doing that too so I'm just saying let's wake up because then it will be natural that we'll be skillful and loving to each other and we won't be afraid of each other and we can show others how to be loving and not afraid of each other if we wake into this true nature but it's hard because you don't believe it yet and etc. right? because you don't believe it because you don't see it you're into gain and loss you're into like unbelievable not to mention some people are like if I see those thieves I'll kill them I didn't go that far I think if I had actually found the guys I might have been friendly I don't know like hey that's my car you found it thank you no man this isn't your car

[78:36]

anyway yes who's next somebody over here yes um well I have a concern during this it seems really tricky to not reflect maybe what feelings might come up you know in the name of I shouldn't feel you know sad when I do something I mean I come across people here feeling sad because something didn't go their way or they lost something but I shouldn't sense the action of pushing down feelings so I just wondered if you could elucidate that if I could elucidate the danger of when you hear the teaching of giving up concern for gain and loss that you might slip into

[79:37]

denying that you're concerned with gain and loss that would be a way of putting it to just allow that if there is a feeling comes up to allow to have a life rather than I shouldn't feel that way I don't know if you were here earlier in this talk we've been here the whole time I told a story about this guy who noticed that he's in the gain and loss and what did I recommend to him do you remember more about what I said about that anyway I said get these two flags everybody has two flags, the gain flag and the loss flag when you notice gain and loss don't use the flag to like hide the gain and loss use the flag, hold it up and say hey there's a petty person here who's in the gain and loss I'm in the gain, I gained, I gained, I gained I recommend dramatizing it that's what I recommend now I shouted from the highest hill even tell the golden daffodils I'm in the gain

[80:38]

and I did gain something and I'm so happy I won I got more attention than this other person I didn't make myself clear oh you didn't well that's a nice way to put it yes I didn't mean so much the confession itself but the actual whatever emotion arose that's what you see you're in the gain and loss now that I see I'm in the gain and loss and I'm sad I'm going to push back yeah maybe I didn't make myself clear but when I see the sadness over the loss I'm saying dramatize it you're saying don't dramatize the fact that you're sad because of loss not not push the sadness away but say I'm sad and I'm not just sad

[81:38]

I'm sad because I'm like sad about losing stuff I'm not it's not sad I'm sad that you're suffering I'm sad that I lost something so I'm saying not just don't push it down bring it out and show it to everybody so not only do you see it but everybody else sees it so in case you forget you're really into being sad when you lose stuff you told us remember so I'm saying bring it out now that's not pushing it down it's not shoving it back into the closet as soon as it sticks its head out a little bit bring it out in front that's what I'm suggesting and of course there is a danger that when you see this sadness over loss you think this is not a good Zen student to do that I shouldn't let people know that I can see that

[82:38]

but some people are not that far into denial to actually see it which is good and some people who see their concern for gain and fear of loss their wish for gain and their fear of loss some people they think well it's unrealistic to commit to the path of getting over this because I'm so into it but I would say no if you notice that you're into it you're closer to getting over it than people who are into it and don't notice it so some people don't notice they're into gain and loss and they say I'm willing to commit to giving up concern for gain and loss in some ways they're lucky that they're in denial because then they can commit themselves to it and then they get in this situation and then that brings it out but some people even without commitment notice that they spend almost all their time trying to avoid loss and promote gain they know that already

[83:40]

so then they think I shouldn't commit to giving that up and I say no no you're like a prime candidate because you can see it so now commit to it and then you'll be able even you'll see it even more it'll be horrible but you know so was there any gain and loss just now for you? and did you notice it? you want to demonstrate it? you want to demonstrate it? no not right now? but get it out there and you know dramatize it you know like I do unbelievable you know I tell you these stories about when I was petty you know about my tears over realizing how petty I was over some croutons get that out there otherwise you might forget that you're a petty person

[84:42]

you see this flicker of pettiness flicker flicker come on bring the pettiness out there petty petty petty yeah right there it is then you can become free of it if you get it out there you can become free of your pettiness we got the pettiness but is it out there? not enough for most people not enough but but all beings will be protected by you keeping your pettiness out there in your awareness yes I'm scared about saying this but I worry when you use the word pettiness you know it's just that word but it's it's a way of it's kind of a negative self judgment yeah and you're worried

[85:42]

about that you're worried about negative self judgment right yeah I don't think that's so healthy I don't know okay I think it is healthy I think it's really healthy for me to be aware of my pettiness because I am petty and you don't think so so we're different you might want something but why get into calling it petty because that's what the word petty means the word petty means that I here I am on the path to helping people you know like I'm trying I'm trying to help somebody right like somebody's got a problem I'm trying to help them but I get distracted because I'm like concerned with how many mushrooms I got me being like really concerned you know like starts to sweat and get into a fervor what's the word froth get into a froth about whether I got some mushrooms or not

[86:44]

that's called a petty concern it's a little small scale concern that I can get involved in and when I'm concerned with little things you know about my gain that's what I call petty and if you think it's a negative judgment I can be petty about you saying that but I can also be grand about saying that and say fine you can say that's no good but I say I see myself as petty when I'm concerned with little things concerning my gain like whether you gave me every penny of change at the store you know I might notice I might say you know you gave me one penny too little I might say that and it might not be petty I just might be sort of pointing that out and you might say oh sorry here it is and I might take a big pile of money and dump it on you so then that's not petty it's just noticing but to be like you know you gave me one penny too little and I'm really upset

[87:45]

or you gave me one crouton too little and I'm really upset then I'm concerned about this little thing concerning my gain that's what I mean by petty it's petty and I can be that way and if you say it's negative and unhealthy I can be petty about that or I can say okay I hear you I don't agree and I just probably go on noticing my concern for my own gain as a small scale thing my gain and loss are not a big deal in this world but my kindness is a big deal and my cruelty is a big deal if I'm cruel to people for me to be concerned about that I don't think that's petty even a little bit cruel for me to be concerned I don't call that petty I call petty me being concerned about my gains

[88:46]

even my big gains I consider it to be petty if I get a big car and I'm worked up about that I consider that petty if I lose a big car and I'm concerned about that I consider that petty for me if I lose a little car and I'm concerned about that I consider that petty if I gain a big car any of these things whatever is related to my own personal gain and loss if I really get into that I'm petty to notice it is okay to notice there were six and a half mushrooms on the pizza to notice that is just natural no problem but for me to dwell on that for hours in fact to take revenge on whoever cut the piece this is petty there are a lot of people interested in this talk for some reason this is going to go way past lunch

[89:49]

grieving over loss this is a big topic I have a positive frame on grieving and sadness I see them as ways that your body offers to you to let go of things you've lost that you haven't let go of if you lose something like a car or a friend and you actually have no attachment to it whatsoever then you don't have to grieve but often when we lose our health or a loved one there is some attachment and the grieving is the way our body helps us adjust to the loss so grieving is very good

[90:55]

to feel the grief it's a healthy offering of your body the body says you are not letting go feel this grief and if you feel the grief you let go but sometimes it takes long stretches of grieving in order to fully let go of some things because some things we hold on to in a million ways so for some things we have to grieve in a million ways to let go of them and when we let go of them then we are back in our life again does that make sense? very important part of practice let's see yes I noticed that one of the things that comes up I feel a whole kind of change endearment comes up with it what comes up? endearment or you know I feel some endearment

[91:56]

and what it made me think of was the masculine experience and the feminine experience and something is that or what I thought of I don't know if it's so healthy for me to endear to the community and other people but it does come to me that I'm uncomfortable so let me get this straight again some unskillful behavior manifests in your activity and then what happens? what's the next step? you notice it and you feel some sorrow then what? endearment for what? yeah I think

[92:54]

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