Is there anything you'd like to offer? I was hoping you'd ask that. I thought, while we were chanting, this is a rare group of people. And I also, I appreciate being a witness but it's a very good people.

[01:04]

So I don't want to miss the chance to thank you for your witnessing. And your thanks is being witnessed. Wow. And your wow is being witnessed. It's quite a significant vote. Some people in the community practice what's called authentic movement. It's a practice which involves moving and being witnessed.

[02:12]

And witnessing is silent witnessing. I think in Zen we have witnessing our movement, our posture, and also witnessing our speech, witnessing our vows, and then witnessing the performance that follows, or witnessing the performance leading to the vows. But for the vows to be authentic, they must be witnessed. And for the performance of body, speech, and mind to be authentic, it requires witnessing. So thank you for performing so we can witness you.

[03:19]

Certainly. The other day I witnessed Yuki ring the dining hall boom-bop. And there was something to me extraordinary about the way she did. And she didn't hit. It was an intimacy in what she did. It was something that was happening between her and the company.

[04:22]

And the result of that was this sound that wasn't it. And I saw that when she did that with the big bell. And it's almost as if she brought the little big stick and brought it and almost touched the bell, almost didn't touch the bell, and the bell reverberated. And I just want to, with Yuki, I just want to say thank you for that. I don't know how you did it. I don't know what it was, but there was, you know, as close to that sense of intimacy and making that sound.

[05:25]

In terms of witnessing, I just felt that it's We witnessed and it's worth mentioning. And I'm really grateful. The piece of wood that we used in the Zendo with the big bell is wrapped with leather, pretty thick leather. was made by one of our community members, I believe in about 1970. That piece of wood wrapped with leather, tonight I would call it the host of the bell. I also want to say thank you.

[06:53]

Thank you to you, Rev. Thank you to the group. And thank you to Green Gulch. In the week leading up to the first class, I had been asked at work to document the poor performance, the form of being in place. After the first class, I went to work the next morning and I was told to fire her. Instead, I asked the bodhisattvas to dance with me. It changed the whole course of the path.

[08:02]

And I didn't fire her. No one's fired her. And after these many weeks, she's decided that She would like to work in a different way, and work in a pressure cooker, which she's been in. And I know that's something that's absolutely directly related to that prayer after leaving it. And then I was able to attend the Tokido last week, and to remember my own Tokido 26 years ago, and to celebrate the healing all over again, and to feel the warmth of this community.

[09:18]

And then to go back to 32 years ago when I came here for the first time, to see my first armatopoeia. To see a gold barrette in front of the arteries in his hair and to be straining during the talk to see what that barrette was about and who it was. It turned out afterwards to be a hair clip in the hair of my childhood best friend's older sister, Linda Johnson. And so I knew it was a really good place in Atlanta. And I just moved back three months ago to San Francisco. And to be able to come here and feel such practice and beauty, abundance, and then practice, that's really amazing.

[10:23]

my heart is beating so fast I'm very grateful to sounds like a 12 step gratitude might be a very good thing Ten years ago, I sold my Ragasu, and I took the precepts. And my teacher died shortly. And I realized that my commitment was more to Meili than it was to precepts or to Buddha, And I put my rocker suit on. And I traveled a very generous path and continued to and found myself invited to come to this class on the day of the first meeting.

[12:48]

And being here, has been such a deep sense of returning to a familiar ground of peace and clarity. And I've been thinking a lot about what we make connections to, and can we, and the false separation that it's tempting to make. So, um, I took out my rockets and I could not forget what it was. I think it was very good. Some very dedicated people were part of my preparation for taking the precepts and equally sewing this rocketsuit.

[13:58]

I want to honor them and thank them in the presence of this community. I would like to thank you. One of the things that I remembered about sitting in focused on with Meili was that there was a presence that, of course, she reminded me was the Buddhafield. And sometimes I'm confused with sitting with Meili. And there is a peace and presence that I've forgotten. I'm sitting here in this room among all of you, and in your strong presence. has been a great and beautiful reminder, I think.

[15:08]

Would it help you if I went over there? No, I wouldn't ask that of you. You can ask this of me, but I'm not going to ask that of you. There's a lot of things I could say, and I'm going to make this very brief. The thing that comes up most strongly in the last few moments, the last half hour or so, for me, is the embarrassing fact that Being here is a constant reminder to me of how much I miss, how many things I don't notice, the delay between my

[17:50]

initial perception of a situation, of people, and then the slow, for me, emergence of an entirely different truth under that. It's a constant, continual experience that I have never experienced in any other environment in my life. I don't know what creates that. I'm assuming it's practice we all do together, but it's magical. And it's also humbling. And as I said, more than embarrassing to find myself at this point in my life so stubbornly ignorant of reality.

[18:54]

I think you lost all sense of spiritual faith when it's just gone. Like I don't have any spiritual feelings. about part of the state. And it's just, it's just an absence of something that was there, that was very powerful, and it's just gone. So now I'm wondering if that was, that powerful intention was just a delusion, and I turned into clarity, or if you shouldn't be worried about this. I feel kind of worried. It feels like a loss. But I also, because of God, and I'm not doing anything, I don't really care. There's always something. Can you speak to me? I had this profound moment where the King is up there, this real profound sense that I want to connect to practice completely.

[20:13]

It was three years ago. And that's gone. It's gone. You had a profound, what was it, why did you call it a profound? Well, I had this, um, this kind of moment of awakening, I think, where I just was, me that practices the UFC 40 things a day, and I wanted to spend my entire life toward that, so it did. And I thought that that would last. I thought that that was, I thought it meant something, and it's gone. And I feel okay, but I also, I worry that that spirituality will devour it.

[21:22]

So the kind of knowing and or the wish to devote your life to practice, that wish seems to be gone. Yeah. I mean, I want it for me. But with that giving up that sort of desire, there's also the absence of faith, which, even in life, it's not there anymore. Well, the first thing that I thought of when you were talking was that you saw this change and the perishing of a vow. You saw it as a loss. It seems like a loss. It seems like something was there and then it went away. and then you sort of, it looks like a loss.

[22:24]

So the first thing is that it's possible to see that thing that's not around anymore, not as a loss, but... Consider it that. But as a gift. So... And it's a possibility, that's a possibility for you. However, if you do that, you will find yourself back in spiritual practice again, which you may not want to... So spiritual practice, I think one of the fundamental things about spiritual practice in the bodhisattva path is that everything that comes to you as a gift, it sounds like you kind of get the idea that that was a gift to you. Right? You didn't get that. You didn't take that. That clarity that you wish to devote yourself to something, which you call practice. You really wanted to give yourself and give your life to something.

[23:29]

Right? And then that wish seems to have vanished. Yeah. And everybody who has that wish, if they pay attention, they will find out that that wish vanishes. However, another wish very similar to it, kind of with the same words even, but not the same one. It's not the same, it just has maybe the same words, but it's not the same feeling. It's a new feeling that when you put it in words might sound just the same. Like when we say here, sentient beings are numberless, I vow to save them. Every time you say that, it's a different thing. It's the same words, basically, but they're not the same words even. They sound kind of similar, but they're never the same. Yeah, and you don't feel it. But many people, when they chant this in this room, when they say, St. Jinping's are numberless, I vow to save them, they have no feeling.

[24:32]

They just say it. There's no feeling. They have a feeling, but their feeling is like about, you know, they don't necessarily feel it has anything to do with what they're saying. It might have more to do with dinner. Or, you know, or it might have more to do with how they feel about the class. Like they might be full of joy about the class, and they say those words, and they don't feel anything about the words. But some people might feel something tremendously strong at the end of class. When we say that, they may feel like, oh my God, it's true tonight. I actually, I'm totally with this, you know. That can happen, that feeling. Whatever the feeling is, whatever feelings we have, whatever vows we have, they are impermanent and constantly changing. And one of the ways they change sometimes when they go away is that they're not followed by anything remotely similar to them. That seems to be your case. If nothing like it is around in the neighborhood right now.

[25:33]

However, now you're talking to me for some reason. And you're asking me if I would, you're inviting me to speak to this. So I speak to it. And what do I say? I say, it was a gift. Please remember that and, you know, be kind of like, you know, the possibility to be, okay, it's a gift, well, I'll consider it a gift then. And I'm giving it away. When it first went away, I didn't notice it was a gift. I just thought I lost it. But I'm changing my story now. I'm retroactively making this thing which I thought was a loss into a gift. There's a possibility for you and us, all of us, for the rest of our lives, to make everything that changes and seems to be not around anymore, make all those things into gifts, so that when we get old, we give away our youth. Not just our youth, but we even give our less old age away. You know, like when we're 67, we give 66 away.

[26:36]

We give away our memory, our teeth, our vision, our hearing, We give away our control of what we say, and people tell us to stop and we shut up. We don't talk anymore for ten years. But everything we do, there's a possibility of everything we do for the rest of our life, every action to be a gift. Not even every action, but every feeling and every idea. When it goes away, when it moves, when it starts to move away from us into disappearance, Make it a gift. Or, another option is, which is not the spiritual option, it's the worldly option, it's the option of misery. Make all these things into losses. Make everything into a loss. Now, that's not the end of the story because then you can practice with the loss by grieving.

[27:42]

And if you grieve wholeheartedly, even though you somehow can't get with the giving program, and you're into loss, loss, loss, if you let go of the loss, then you're giving again. If you resist the loss, then you need to grieve. So if you actually go with the loss and surrender to it, it turns into giving. It's up to you anyway. You're going to join the bodhisattvas in making this thing which you... That thing is gone. Whatever that was is gone. Now you've got a new situation where that old feeling is not here. They have new feelings and all those are going to go away too. Some of them you may be happy went away but all those precious ones and not so precious ones when they go away I would invite you for the welfare of the world to make all those into gifts. And I also understand it's hard to remember to do this, but not impossible.

[28:55]

You probably all could do it right now for just a few seconds. Make this moment a gift. It's gone. Make this one a gift. It's gone. Make this one a gift. This one. This one. Now you won't necessarily, you won't be the person you were three years ago. That person's gone too. But you can be a new person, which may not, by according to some standards, may not be as great a person as you were three years ago, but you still have, what you have now is whatever you say about this person, this is the person you are. And this is the person, this is the one that's really important. Even though the last ones, the old ones were better. Even though the past ones were better, this is the important one. This is the one that's going to help people or not. So if we deteriorate and our deteriorated state is then made a gift, then that helps people because there are a lot of other deteriorating people.

[30:00]

And they need to learn, and somebody, not just somebody, but somebodies, they need to, all those deteriorating bodies need help. Those deteriorating minds need love, enough for somebody demonstrating what it's like to make everything a gift. So that's what I would suggest. I invite you to do that. I hope you do that. The person you are now, and everything you think you lost Make them all into gifts. It's not too late to retroactively change all your losses into gifts tonight. You can do it right now. And your life is basically revolutionized. Thank you. So to whom are these gifts given?

[31:13]

Well, you can give them to whomever you want, but you don't have to know who you're giving them to. For example, you can offer your life every moment to all beings. And that's actually one of the ways to, yeah, that's one of the ways to purify your giving, is to see if you're willing to give your life to everybody. And then if there's somebody you don't want to give your life to, then go there and work on that place where you're kind of like holding back with somebody. And then make your holding back a gift, not just to that person, but to everybody. So I would guess, you know, give whatever you're giving, give it to all beings. All unenlightened beings, all enlightened beings, and all enlightening beings. How could giving my illness, let's say, to all beings, how could that benefit?

[32:19]

Well, it helps all the sick people do the same. It shows them how to do it. Because they're probably feeling like, I lost my health and now I'm sick and I wish I could get rid of my sickness. So they're into loss and actually rejection rather than giving and giving. So if you can give, it isn't that you're making other people sick, it's that you're saying, here I am, this is me, see me, this is me, sick guy. I give you this guy. I know you don't want me, but I still offer it. Maybe some of you do, but anyway, I think I'm sick. I give you the sick person. And all the other sick people who are having some trouble seeing their sickness as a gift, they will learn to make their sickness a gift. It's very full. It's great. It's tremendous. It takes courage and also develops courage.

[33:22]

You have to have courageous effort to do it, and it develops courageous effort. So can you also see your loss as a gift to yourself? You can also see your view of things as a loss. You can make those a gift, too. Can you come to yourself? The more you make yourself a gift to everybody, the more you see that you're a gift. That you're a gift, you're a gift, you're a gift. This is a gift, this is a gift. Everything you feel is a gift. Everything you think is a gift. You don't make, I don't make my thinking. My thinking is a gift to me. And part of it, it's partly a gift from my past thinking. My past karma is part of what gives me my present karma. But it's not just my past karma, it's all of you. I cannot think what I'm thinking right now. If you weren't in the room, I wouldn't be acting like this. I wouldn't be thinking like this.

[34:27]

I wouldn't be talking like this. I wouldn't be gesturing like this. If I was in a room by myself, I would be thinking differently and talking differently. I probably wouldn't be talking, but I would be... I actually don't talk necessarily that much when I'm alone, out loud. I practice singing when I'm alone to get ready for when I sing to you. Now I'm practicing... He's quarter to three. That one. You will soon be hearing more of that. So the more you make everything about you, especially your action, gifts, the more you realize that everything about you is a gift, that you are a gift. However, the other thing is... You'll be rejected. Huh? You must be ready to be rejected.

[35:29]

That's part of giving is that when you give, you're ready to be rejected. You're ready for the gifts you give to be rejected. That's part of it. If you give and you're not ready to be rejected, you're not really into the giving yet. You're also ready to be accepted. Wow! Accepted and overwhelmingly appreciated. Then you're open to that, too. You're open to being appreciated and you're open to not being appreciated when you practice giving, which is another dimension of how courageous a practice it is. Okay, thank you. You're welcome. I have a thing that I want to say.

[36:53]

Well? But before that, I had things I want to say. But before that, I want to say, like... Listening to your interaction with Amy, I just want to say whenever I work with you in the kitchen, I feel like I receive tremendous gifts from you. Thank you. And the next thing I wanted to say is The day after the ordination in the work circle, all the new ordained priests said thank you to the community in the work meeting, each one of them. But somehow, again, I felt like I didn't have enough words, and it really felt bad about it. And, but I thought about what I'm gonna say, but I cannot find the whenever, whenever, whatever the word comes up, not exactly right.

[37:59]

That feeling, but I have a tremendous appreciation in community preparing and preparing the food and just being there and you being there and all the candidates like, yeah, Deidre, Kimo, Steph and Brian being there, how much I felt that strength and everybody's there. And I wrote one poem I'm going to share and still exactly, not exactly what I felt maybe, what I feel, but the closest things like now at this moment. So that's okay. I normally don't have a title for my phone, but this one. Title is, Dear Friends, the depth of human heart is what makes us warm and alive, not the physical space between you and me, not the words we speak to each other.

[39:11]

What you see the beauty in the world, what you care about in your life, what makes you smile and the way you smile, the way you try to open your heart to all silent company on earth. I have a story that I'd like to let go of.

[40:15]

And that I'd like help letting go of. And actually coming up here is kind of manifesting that in itself. It's a story that I do things by myself without other people. Or that I even could do something by myself without the support of everybody. Or the story that There are things I'm responsible for doing that I have to pull off all by myself. And so now that I've said that, I feel like I don't have to try to let go of it all by myself.

[41:20]

Thank you all for helping me. You're welcome. Helping you let go of your stories is our business. Sometimes I, um, not all the time, but sometimes I feel a sense of loss over, um, the lack of, like, companionship, or like the, I can't think of this word, you know, sort of regular companionship.

[42:57]

Camaraderie? Well, the companionship part is okay, but the regularity part. Continuity? Continuity. So, I would love to turn that into a gift. I wonder what... What thought would I have if I was turning that into a gift? What feelings would I have if I was turning that into a gift? And what do we turn? What is it we're turning into a gift? The sense of loss. The sense of loss of continuity? Loss of companionship with continuity. Continuity of companionship. So you're saying, how would you think about it to make it into a gift? Yeah, I'm just trying to feel into what that would feel like.

[43:58]

Like you could say to me, for example, you say, may I give you my sense of loss, of continuous companionship? You could ask me and I'd probably say, you can give that to me. That's one way. There's many ways you could kind of envision it, as many ways you could envision your giving of it. And, okay, so may I give you my sense of broads and continuity of companionship? Yeah. Yes. I welcome you giving me that gift. If when the time's right, I'll make it a gift, too, to somebody else. Maybe not to you. I'm telling you, you wouldn't like me to give it to you.

[45:04]

Would you like me, buddy? Are you ready now for me to give it to you? Can you just act? Yeah. Sure. Okay. Here it is back. Okay. So, Deirdre, you want it? Frederick? Okay, here it comes. Let me know if you can get it back. I think I know where to get it. I can invite it to come back any time you want. I don't know if it will come, but... in mind if we want it to, if we invite it. So you have other things probably to give away in the meantime. Yeah, but I'm not sure if I really gave that away.

[46:07]

You know, I mean, seriously. Yeah, I think that's quite normal, I think, when you're practicing giving. You're not sure you really gave it wholeheartedly. One of the ways you find out is afterwards, when certain things happen to the gift, and then you may feel some regret. If you feel regret, then you didn't really give it. But sometimes it takes a while for the gift to get into a place where you feel, oh, I'm sorry, I wish I hadn't regret, I wish I hadn't given it, because now what happened to it? I can't imagine how I could know about anything happening to that gift. Well, somebody could tell you that it depressed them when they received that gift from you.

[47:11]

Maybe you don't feel it right now, but then tomorrow they feel upset and angry and try to destroy this nice little gift you gave them, which you didn't like or anything, but still, you don't want people trashing it and mutilating it. Maybe. But even though you don't want them to mutilate it, when they mutilate it, if you regret, then the gift is just, then it's not a gift. And that's, and that's a problem. So you've probably heard this story before about Nagarjuna telling Aryadeva that he would be asked to give a gift. Do you know that story? So the great ancestor Nagarjuna, he had a great disciple named Aryadeva, which means, you know, noble deity. And there was a person in northern India who was really endangering the Buddhist Sangha.

[48:13]

Because debate in various times in Indian history is very serious matter, religious debate. One of the conventions is if you have a debate with somebody and you agree to the terms of the debate, and you agree to go by the decision of the judges, if you lose the debate, you have to become the disciple of the person who beat you. So if you're a disciple of Buddha and you're debating somebody, a magician or something, who was a very powerful magician and powerful debater, if you enter into the debate process during certain phases of Indian history and you would lose, you would have to give up your alliance, your homage with the Buddhists and become a disciple of the magician. Pretty serious. And this guy was beating all the Buddhist monks in northern India.

[49:14]

So people said, Nagarjuna, come help us. Somehow word got down to him long ways away. And he was busy with something or other, so he sent his great disciple Aryadeva up to debate this person. By the way, he won the debate. And that person was not endangering the Buddhist community anymore and had to become Buddhist. and became a great Buddhist magician. But in the meantime, Nagarjuna says, on your trip you will be asked to give a gift. He says, if you give the gift, don't worry, you'll get it back. It will come back to you. So one of the principles is whatever you give, it will come back to you. Don't know when or how, but it will. That's what the teacher said. And as to general, that's said by many Buddhist teachers. He said, but if you regret the gift, you won't get it back.

[50:18]

I must say I'm amazed by this story already. And I've been amazed by it by a long time. So, this is like, you know, before modern transplant technologies were highly developed. It's on its way. he meets a blind beggar and the beggar says to Aryadeva, give me one of your eyes. Aryadeva surgically removes one of his eyes and gives it to the beggar and goes off. However, before he's too far away, he hears the beggar who does not know how to implant the eye in his socket, getting angry. And he turns around and he sees the beggar smashing the eyeball on a stump. And he regrets giving it.

[51:25]

And so he didn't get his eye back. And his name was changed to Kanadaiva, which means one-eyed devil. one-eyed deity. He still was, you know, a great ancestor in the tradition and helped many people as a great bodhisattva, but he only had one eye because he regretted giving it. It's a terrible story, but the key, the main thing is, when you hear a terrible story, the main thing is, what am I? What's the main thing? No. You're getting warmer. You're getting... It isn't... You can say it's a no-win.

[52:33]

You can say whatever you want about this story, which you said quite a bit already. If you had samsara response, you're in samsara. You lost one eye. That would be horrifying. It's okay. You don't have to be horrified, but you're welcome to be horrified. You are welcome to be horrified. All horrified people are welcome here. All terrified people are welcome in this class. And people who are not terrified can also be here. It's okay. If you think it was a delicious story, you can be here too. And if people think you're really a weirdo for thinking that, they're welcome too. Everybody's welcome here. Because this is a class about giving. So the main thing is when you hear horrible stories, Amy and Jane and Rib, see them as gifts.

[53:40]

Horrible stories are coming. They're coming. We've seen horrible ones before and really horrible ones are coming. They're going to come unless you die now. Some horrible stories are going to come to you. And the question is, can you welcome them? So if you donate your liver, not your liver, they usually don't donate your liver. If you donate your kidneys, if you donate your body parts because you want to be helpful to people and they don't use them properly, if you regret it, it's not giving. Hmm? What? Yeah. If you donate them and you regret it, you won't get them back. But if you donate them and you don't regret it, and you're happy, even no matter how they use it, no matter what horrible thing happens to your donations of your body parts, your money, your time, all the time you gave to somebody, you gave it and you gave it and you gave it and they didn't use it well.

[54:52]

If you regret it, then you are somebody who lost a lot of your time and love on somebody. The main thing is when horrible stories come to you to welcome them and see them as gifts and make yourself who's seeing them as a gift a gift, that's the main thing. Because horrible stories are coming. And so I thought, I didn't think it was a horrible story, but I don't argue with you about it. I'm just amazed that one of our ancestors is called one-eyed, one-eyed deity, and that here's a story about how he got one eye. And it's just amazing, isn't it? We've got some real dramatic ancestors. And not only are they dramatic, but their teacher's dramatic and says, you know, teacher knew he was going to be asked for something big time and said, you know, don't regret it.

[55:55]

And also bodhisattvas, when they're asked to make major donations, it's usually a good idea if they talk to their teacher before giving them, because it's not good to make major donations and then change your mind in the process of giving or afterwards. So you probably should consult with people to make sure that that, not make sure, but have some confidence that you're going to be able to give it without regret. You should just one. I only have one right now. Yeah, right. One at a time. When you were starting to tell the story, I asked myself, what would giving away that sense of loss be like? And the answer that came was, I would happily have the sense of loss, happily have and not hide it.

[57:05]

Yeah. But I don't know. That's right. And I don't know if that doesn't seem the same as giving it to someone. But you're starting to see that it's a gift to you. And when you really feel something's a gift, then you're not possessive of it. you're not possessive of it so it's both you see it's a and then you see you say it's a gift to you and it's something you can give away and also you see that you're the receiver and the giver simultaneously and the gift you start this is and this is how we enter reality by this meditation And the material we use for it are thoughts like loss, lacking, and so on. Those are challenging things to see as gifts. Okay.

[58:10]

I would say when you fully get the receiving part, then you'll get the giving part. And also if you don't get the receiving part, then work the giving part. Work the other side and you'll realize the other side. So some people feel like they're not being given enough, so then I say, well, give more. Some people feel like they're being given quite a bit, but they don't feel like giving. I'd say, well, receive more. No taking more. Receiving and giving, receiving and giving, and receiving and giving. Tune into that, and where there's a lack, work on the other side. Don't argue with yourself if you feel a lack. See the feeling of lack as a gift. When you feel stinginess, concentrate on stinginess as a gift. And then you can start by giving your... Not throwing your stinginess in the trash, but elevate your stinginess to a gift to you and to others.

[59:22]

And in fact, I do feel when people come and tell me, when they confess to me, they give me the gift of, I confess I'm stingy. I see that as a gift to me. And I see it as a gift to them, which enables the practice of confession of the stinginess. So the confession of the stinginess cures the stinginess. Wishing that you're not stingy is more stinginess. You could wish you're not stingy, but rejecting your stinginess is not really that gracious. Thank you. You're welcome. Can you ask us one quick thing? Quick thing? You mean, what does quick mean? That you don't want to move? Yeah, well, then you move quickly. Go on, sit here. I do want you to come up and make an effort to move that tall body a few feet.

[60:26]

Give those people a bow. Wave to your friends. Oh, now you have a quick question, do you? Yeah, I do. I still have a quick question. All righty. So Nagarjuna's student, when he regrets giving his life, If he gives away his regret, will it still... I mean, is the first regret definite? Will it completely make it impossible for him to get his eye back? I think that's a good point. And I think that it's possible basically to change anything. But I think he actually, I think that after he recovered from his regret and realized, oh, now I'm not going to get the eye back.

[61:31]

If the eye was smashed and he hadn't regretted it, then he knew he would get the eye back. But, and he could have, he's going to go defeat a major, a major magician now. Okay. He could get it back. He could arrange to, now I bet you could have my eye back. But I think he's a big boy and kind of said, I think I'll just let it be that I lost my eye so people can remember that my face is telling people about giving. And I'm not trying to get it back. If it comes back, fine. And it might. Actually, it might be one of your eyes. But I think, you know, my story about him is he had more important things to do after making this mistake than try to get his eye back. Then he sort of, I think he was probably encouraged to make sure in the future that when he gives a gift to be careful and like really say, okay, here we go.

[62:37]

So the real gift for him is that he realizes that you don't need to wish for ice or whatever. I think the real gift to him was that he became a person who finally could see that when you give a gift and people do not take care of it the way you'd like them to, that that's a gift too. He missed that. He didn't see what the beggar did with his eye. He didn't see it as a gift. He missed it. If he could have caught it and not seen it as a loss and not regretted it, then he could have seen what the beggar did as a gift to him. He was asked for a gift, he gave it, but he didn't give it wholeheartedly enough so that whatever he's done with the gift, you can go, yes! Thank you very much. I have no complaint whatsoever.

[63:41]

He couldn't do it. But now, after that, I think he was concentrating on practicing like that rather than trying to acquire eye organs. The giving practice is much more important. We can be very helpful bodhisattvas and be blind. I heard on the radio again yesterday about this blind man who would Really good piano player. He's a great boy. Thank you. Thanks for coming. So far. Oh, look who's here. Hi. I just popped up because I got this image that to be one-eyed was an image for regret. But now that I'm here... Oh, Jane has a question.

[64:50]

If I elaborate it, it'll go away. I don't know. It was like that if I'm regretting what happened last week or this morning or the gift that I gave, Then I'm blinding myself to the present because half my vision is on the past or on the thing that's lost or on my idea of the thing that's lost. Thank you for asking me to clarify my intuition. But now that I'm here... Now that we're here... It seems like it might be an opportunity to hear an answer to a question that I was unaided to hear earlier today, twice. I asked a question in one form or another, and we both, occasions when the teacher would

[66:02]

proceeding to give me a response to the question, I kept talking and therefore never received a response. And both times I confessed rather rapidly, but it was too many. We kept looking on. Did you regret it? I didn't regret it because I, well, I didn't regret it. I just Well, I felt sad that I didn't receive it. I regretted my cutting it off. Then I didn't receive the response, which I really thought I wanted to give. But since it happened twice within about five minutes, one might think maybe I didn't really want to give it a response. Wonderful. Did you follow that? Could you follow that, Yuki? No. Just explain it to Yuki. the dynamic that I just explained, or the question, not the question.

[67:05]

So I asked a question, and Reb, you know, was beginning to respond, and I kept talking. So then he'd stop to respond, and then we'd talk some more. And then, I don't know, five minutes later or something, I asked pretty much the same question, and he paused and started to respond. And again, I kept talking. so that he stopped giving me the response to the question. And both times I realized I had caused this thing to happen, and since it happened twice, I thought, even though I felt I really wanted to hear what he was going to say to me, that if I stopped it from reaching me twice, or even being verbalized, maybe I wasn't really asking to hear the answer. I mean, that I was afraid to hear the answer. Does that make sense to you? Yeah. Let's see if I can, may I ask the question?

[68:11]

Okay. When I came to be trained, in order to be trained for priest, first to be trained and then to be ordained and then to be trained to be a priest, I made the decision to leave And part of the home that I left was the life of a writer of fiction. And I left it with a free sense that I didn't know if I would take it up again or not. And this was bringing my whole life to training this for us. And then for a long time, I wasn't concerned. There wasn't a question. It was just sometimes somebody happened, and I was fine, and that was it to me. A few years ago, I started to find a greater sense of intention about writing again. And that seemed also to be fine, and it turned out to be completely part of malpractice within this form.

[69:20]

And I totally want to believe that as my training my English on it to other directions, which I don't know what they are yet, but it is changing, that there'll be a way for my life to be expressed in the writing of fiction, as well as in the wearing of robes and the carrying forth and receiving of the teachings. And I have some fear or disbelief that my teacher supports me, given that I've heard him say he supports me to distract myself. When I asked, I was trying to ask him to say more about that, and to get, I was trying to get, and that was part of my problem, some reassurance. that this man, my teacher, our teacher, recognizes or I think there's a place to recognize or even a possibility of recognizing an artistic practice as an expression of done.

[70:34]

And I didn't maybe put it that coherently because I wasn't having to explain any of the questions. So that was kind of the question. And whenever it started to have that kind of answer, that was beautiful. One thing I want to make clear, she said that I said I would support her being distracted from practice, right? You said you support me to distract yourself. I support you to distract myself? You said, Catherine, I support you to distract yourself. Yeah, right. So... In other words, I support her to distract herself, but I also support her to be concentrated. When she's concentrated, I support her. When she's distracted, I support her. That's what I meant. No matter what she does, I support her. I heard. That's what she meant. And that's what I meant. I don't just distract her to be... I don't just distract her to be supportive.

[71:39]

Although that was... What's the question? Can a priest that continues in training for the rest of their life as a priest, also fully engaged in an artistic practice as part of their life in the Dharma? This one. Well, so Dharma, actually, Dharma practice is an art. Yes. So, can writing be a Dharma art? Yes. Narratively. Imaginatively. Can imaginative narrative writing, for example, like Dogen sometimes wrote imaginative narratives.

[72:42]

He did. Was his writing Dharma art? Was it an expression of the essential art of the Buddha ancestors? Could it have been, rather? Could Dogen's artistic expressions, could they have been Buddha-dharma art? I would say they could have been. How could they work? Well, they work. How can something not be dharma art? Could Dogen's How could something not be Dharma art? Well, it would not be Dharma art if the person was dwelling in it. Anything you do, including the most official-looking Zen practice, like sitting upright on a black cushion with the appropriate outfit on and hairdo, anything you do, if you dwell in it, it's not Dharma art.

[73:54]

Some of them might even say, it's not art anyway. It's not art. But it's certainly not the art of the Buddhas if you dwell in what you're doing. So if you're cooking and you're not dwelling in cooking, it's Dharma practice, dash, Dharma art, dash, Bodhisattva dancing, etc. If you're writing and you're dwelling in it, it's not Dharma art. It may be amazing to people, you may enjoy it, but you also may not enjoy it. Either way, if you're dwelling in it, it's not Dharma practice. But if you do something like write some words and make a story with words, and you don't dwell in it, then it's Dharma art. It's Dharma practice. It's the Buddha way. And again, referring to the ceremony that we had here recently, about a week ago, on Sunday.

[75:06]

The ceremony was about leaving home. It was about not dwelling in your writing. Not dwelling in your telephone conversations. Not dwelling in shining your shoes. Not dwelling in your experience. That's called leaving home. And Nagarjuna, you've heard of him, he said, in the realm of Buddhadharma, what's hard? And his answer is, leaving home is hard. Giving up dwelling is hard. If you can write and not dwell, dharma practice. Anybody who you share your activity with, who's also working on not dwelling, they can train you.

[76:26]

They can say, are you dwelling in this story that was just created? And then you can look and see. Oh yeah, I was. So, that's a mistake. However, then you can confess, you know, I actually, I kind of enjoyed writing that sentence, but I actually do kind of regret that I dwelled in it. And I was afraid that if I didn't dwell in it, I wouldn't be able to finish the sentence, so I sold out. because I wanted to finish the sentence, and I got scared there for a second. If I didn't dwell, I might not finish it, and it was a good one. So I said, so I'll just, you know, just postpone the non-dwelling for a little while so I can finish this great sentence. You get scared that you'll lose control, you know. But it's possible, you know, it looks like it's possible that Shakespeare was not dwelling on How could anybody that was dwelling have written that stuff? It's like he must have let go and let the universe do its thing through him.

[77:35]

There's too much accomplished there for anybody to do it with holding on. I think, I kind of believe his art is Dharma art. And wouldn't it be nice if some of us could write like that? But it's hard when you go into writing or cooking, like you went to cooking, you think, well, we kind of got to get this meal out by 12.15. So, I don't know, we could not dwell on getting it out by 12.15. It's possible. Maybe it didn't, maybe it wouldn't be at 12.15. You know, in Dogen's writings... when they're serving meals in the zendo, the monks go back and sit in the zendo, and they sit there until the meal's ready. I think we're more punctual than the ancient monasteries were.

[78:37]

So actually, it's a nice practice to go when you're going to receive the meals, to have everybody go and just go into the dining area of the zendo and just sit zazen until the food's brought. And sort of like, well, it may never come, but in the meantime, we're cool. You know, we're doing the right thing. We're like, you know, not dwelling here. And then, oh, and there's food. Great. So, yeah, it is possible that Dharma art could find its expression through writing. And in some sense you might say that all true art is dumb art. Before you brought up Shakespeare, and you were talking about dwellings, as soon as you said not dwelling, it turned into dwellings.

[79:41]

If you're dwelling, you're not going to... Yeah. But people get scared, you know, that they're going to lose... Well, especially if they're unlimited. Yeah. Okay, thank you for giving me that response. Right. And I must say, I really must say, because it looks like I'm going to say it, here it comes, can't stop it. How interesting it is that you asked, you wanted to ask this question, And then you, and then you kept talking. It's almost like you didn't want to hear the answer. I was going to say, but you didn't answer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. or that you wanted to help me more quickly say the answer that you wanted. I wanted, yeah, exactly. I wanted to hurt you. Here's the question now, and I have some things to say to you, and this will help you say the right thing.

[80:42]

I didn't mean, I don't want that one or that one. Okay, now I got you under control, but now you couldn't say anything. Interesting, eh? Yeah. Well, it shouldn't. The idea that there's no thing that's not. It's more about seeing it. Or it's more about practicing it.

[81:51]

Yeah, it's more about practicing it. So everything, you could say everything's art, everything's creation, everything's creativity, but are we practicing, are we joining it, are we engaging it? And if we don't, somehow, even though we kind of know it must be, we can miss it. And even if we're just a little half-heartedly, we're even a little bit holding back in our participation with it, That can be enough to sort of be like, well, yeah, it's really not, I'm not enjoying it. And I have a tendency to think of that as non-art or non-done art. And yet... That's another art. When... when something else is happening, I can see that, not seeing it as I'm an artist.

[82:58]

Like, oh, that's kind of like I was manifesting, or deluded Simon was beautifully happening. Beautifully given. Yeah. Wholeheartedly given. Wholeheartedly received. But somebody somehow was distracted from that. And that was part of what was given to him, but somehow he couldn't accept it, even though even his inability to accept was what was given. Somehow we're trying to talk ourselves into this giving thing, which is talking ourselves into the art of living. And when you were speaking, I noticed how painful it is for me when I believe that I'm non-art.

[83:58]

And so I came up and I'm speaking and realized that pain will end. wholeheartedly speaking the pain, is getting ready to see that as a gift. And then And then the history of the world has just been rewritten. And it doesn't take the pain away. It just makes the pain a gift. Instead of something that we took or was forced upon us, it makes it into a gift. And then even though the pain hasn't changed the slightest bit, there's a great joy and great art. You know, Michelangelo, his biography by Irving Stone, is it?

[85:01]

It's called Ecstasy and Agony, or Agony and Ecstasy. That guy suffered, but he really exercised his suffering, and we have this artist. It's hard to see Shakespeare suffering, but Michelangelo really had a hard time But, you know, he probably was one of the most wholehearted sufferers in the history of the world. Like, even some of his greatest works, he didn't feel like, you know, he didn't really want to do them. He wasn't a good painter, he thought. But he went ahead and did it. And wholeheartedly did it. So it's possible for us to be wholeheartedly who we are.

[86:06]

And part of who we are sometimes is a person, because of the past karma, somebody who's resisting this as art, this as art, this as art. Somebody's resisting. And the way it works is that that's an artist in pain. But if that artist was resisting and was in pain because they're resisting, realizes, oh, of course I'm suffering because I'm resisting, and I'm completely wholeheartedly suffering in my resistance to this art, then there is salvation. But the price in this case is to experience the pain of past resistances. They have consequences. Even though we can't resist, if we wish to and think we are, that counts. But so what if it counts?

[87:14]

That's the medium of this work of art. If you're not resisting, then you won't have pain. But if you're not resisting, you're open to everybody's pain. So you will have pain. Welcome pain. Welcome heart. not welcome pain, even though there's art here, not welcome art. I'd like to welcome art, but I really don't want to if I have to welcome pain, too. So I don't really care that much about the art. I don't care enough to open to pain. I'm willing to experience certain pains, but I'm not saying I'm going to open to them, because then I might get other pains.

[88:18]

So we have to look at our vow. Are we willing to open to pain? Are we willing to let the pain be a gift? And if we are, then we enter the realm of art. We enter the realm of the art of zazen. But this is not easy. It's hard. It's the hardest thing. It's called leaving home. But leaving home is the same as give yourself. The Chinese character for renunciation also means to make alms, offer alms. So it means to relinquish or give yourself. It also means to make yourself a gift. That is hard. Even though it's hard, maybe we like to practice it because it's also the greatest joy.

[89:31]

May all attention equally extend into every place, with the true narrative of Buddha's way.

[89:52]

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