Yesterday afternoon, I think I had an encounter with the shadow and as a result, I felt that I should spend more time on this fourth precept of no false speech. I was reading stories one after the other about our ancestors, awakenings, and sitting

[01:14]

on this seat, wearing this robe that was made with such devotion and faith and symbolizes the teaching, the dharma. Perhaps I'm subtly saying that I am like these awakened people and even if I don't say it I'm letting you think anyway that I'm awakened like they are. And I don't know what to say about that except that I think that that may be the case that

[02:25]

sometimes people may look and project that kind of association onto this body under these robes or this person, and I have to look to see, am I doing anything to promote that? And I think I saw that I do things to promote that, to make it easier, or not even easy but anyway to promote that kind of projection. Certainly sitting here promotes it and wearing this robe promotes it and shaving my head

[03:31]

allows it. But I think I do more than that and yesterday I thought of some of the things that I have done and even the things that I've done it's not so much the things but really my intention. Shaving my head, what's my intention when I'm shaving my head? I could shave my head and that could just be something I do, but do I shave it so that people will be more likely to think that I'm like these ancestors? Is that my motivation? Now sometimes I'm in my room taking a nap or in some, you know, undignified posture

[04:54]

and someone knocks on the door so I can stay in that posture and recently because of my back sometimes people come to the door and knock and I say come in and I stay in various undignified postures that I've been in like lying on my back with my feet up on a folding chair to do exercises and so Daniel comes in sometimes and I stay in that posture and I sometimes feel a little rude to stay there with my feet sticking up in the air when he comes in, but I stayed there anyway. But sometimes I sit up when the person comes to the door, when they knock first I sit up and then I say come in. Now am I doing that just to be polite or am I doing that to create the impression when

[05:59]

they come in of, oh look he's sitting there, full of mindfulness, composure and dignity and therefore perhaps he's a Buddha and I must say I think that although it's not entirely devoid of just being dignified and receiving a guest in a proper posture I think I am guilty of trying to create the impression, a good impression. Sometimes you know we have this back, we have the back door you know and I go back there and I get stuff to eat and again that's not so bad especially during the permitted hours. But still it's a somewhat undignified thing to do and sometimes I just be undignified

[07:13]

with everybody and I tell you the truth it feels pretty good, but sometimes if I'm eating in a situation like that and I know I'm about to meet someone I try to finish what I'm eating before I meet them so they won't have to see this guy walking up to them munching on a half-finished peanut butter sandwich. But my motivation is so that I will look good. And a couple of days ago actually Daniel asked me a question about my early days of practice and really my answer to him was a lie and I told him later that I lied to him.

[08:22]

It just popped out of me a way of describing it that sounded really kind of austere and awesome within the limits of what I could dare to let myself say but it just really wasn't true and so I said later I told him I lied. It wasn't really true it was a little it had a you know it was sort of had some threads of reality to it but it wasn't really true. So looking at Bodhidharma's words on no false speech he says the self-nature is subtle and mysterious in the realm of ineffable Dharma. Not preaching a single word is called precept of not lying.

[09:36]

But actually I'm mixing this up with another statement I want to quote by him. I think it was where he said not even a thin veneer of attachment and all these actions that I'm referring to some little bit of attachment seems to be what causes the lie. So if I'm in my room lying down and somebody knocks on the door I will continue to watch to see you know should I just keep lying down and when they come in not get up it's a little rude but maybe it's good practice for me or should I just get up

[10:42]

and watch to see what's my motivation or should I just say come in before I get up and then while they come in they see me sitting up. And now that I think of it I think you know the form of doksan has kind of like trained me for this in a way. So I'm supposed to be sitting there having my outfit all nicely arranged and the person comes in and there I am just all set you know. And sometimes the bells go off wrong and the person, not wrong but I mean the person hears the bell from someplace else and comes in before I ring the bell so then they come in and I'm in the process of sitting down when they come in or I'm still standing up when they come in maybe brushing my teeth or something.

[11:48]

So it's kind of like you know that's that movie the Wizard of Oz so you kind of catch behind the screen you catch the wizard behind the screen brushing his teeth, get out of here I'm brushing my teeth you're not supposed to see me now. And there is a thing in the world of I don't know what you call it maybe the world of shamanism called glamour. And I first understood that word or got a new meaning of it when I was reading this book called The Myths of Avalon about these female shamans, these female sorcerers, sorceress and it was talking about this one kind of small woman but when she put on her glamour she looked they said much taller and she could put it on.

[12:50]

And I realized there is a thing called glamour that we use here at Zen Center somewhat and I use and I could stop using the glamour but the point is what's the point of the glamour? Is the glamour to create the impression that you're better than other people? What's the point of the glamour? Is the glamour for the benefit of all beings or is it to make some people look like these amazing creatures that we know are possible because they're in our own hearts? We put the glamour on so that people can project their own goodness out on somebody else, their own greatness? Well maybe so. But even so, who is that for, for whose benefit is this glamour put on? And I think part of what happens is that there are certain situations, like in a Zen do everybody

[14:10]

puts their glamour on. All of you, if someone saw you, would see some glamour there, but then through kind of sloppiness or selfishness or egocentric positioning we sometimes put the glamour on all day long and sometimes we after a while forget that we fall for our own glamour almost. So, in fact, I think that the lie I told Daniel was me being caught by me putting on

[15:15]

a glamour for him, him saying, show me some glamour, and I showed him some glamour, but in order to show him the glamour I told a lie. So, I could have shown some other glamour perhaps without lying, but in fact I slipped. So here I want to, you know, why do I want to tell you these stories about these people that were awakened? Is it again because I want you to associate me with them? Is it because I hope that if you look at what they were looking at when they woke up that

[16:23]

you'll wake up? Maybe it's both. Maybe it's both. And I have to watch my self-deception carefully. I have to watch my self-deception carefully. I'll try to keep aware of this and I'll try to let you know when I slip in this regard

[17:29]

as time goes on. In regard to no false speech, Dogen says, the Dharma wheel has all inclusively turned. There is no excess or deficiency. Even when I lie, the Dharma wheel completely exposes that. If I make some claim that's not true, you know it. You may feel some tension between what seems to be being said and what you know is true. And I may not know. So, part of what I encourage you to do is try to voice that discomfort or in some way

[18:44]

show that discomfort. I think I'm really totally exposed, but I think I also have to remember that even though you can see it, sometimes you don't dare to believe it. I have to remember that. Because I think you do want to, to some extent, believe I'm fairly good. And I'm not saying whether I am or not, I'm just saying I think that you kind of want to see that. It's useful to you if you can see that. And I have to remember that and not abuse that, not take advantage of that.

[19:53]

I remember one of the first talks I heard Suzuki Roshi give, he said, I'm not enlightened. And I was disappointed to hear him say that. I wanted him to be that way. But I said to myself pretty much immediately, well, that's too bad, but I'm still going to stay with him. He's good enough for me. But still, I would prefer he wouldn't talk like that, make my life simpler. So, yesterday I talked about the 39th pioneer, Yunzhu Daoying.

[21:01]

That's Hungo Doyo Daoxiao. Hungo is Yunzhu. Dogo is Daoying. And his disciple was Tung-an Daopi. Tung-an Daopi. Or Doan Dohi Daoxiao. Number 40. So, here's another story, another enlightenment story. And again, one time Tia said to me, she said, well, what was it like when it all dropped away for you?

[22:05]

And then another time she said, you know, one of the young men here asked me if I knew what it was like for you when it all dropped away. He's going to come and ask you about it. I hope he does. Dropped away? Well, like, you know, when the world, somehow the illusion just dropped away and you saw the true reality? You had that? No, she said. She asked whether you? No, she didn't ask whether, she said, when that did happen. She didn't say when it did not happen. She thinks it happened. Or she thought it happened. Like you thought Suzuki was enlightened. Yeah, she thought so. As a matter of fact, she even thought she saw it when it happened a few times.

[23:06]

She saw me a couple of times and she said, wow. That's what it looks like, huh? But then she wanted me to tell her how it was for me. And she also was going to have some other people come and ask me. At times like this, what I'm trying to practice is to let the ego, let the ego kind of move over to the side and try to, you know, be a servant. At that time, the ego said, well, the ego moved, the ego off to the side, ego, just trying to sort of negotiate the space between me and Tia. It said, well, you know, I really can't really say that I saw some, I don't think I was ever there when it all dropped away. I really can't tell you what it was like. That's not an experience that I can talk about.

[24:10]

I don't think this ego is, you know, I think the ego can be quite helpful and just, you know, move off to the side a little bit and make a few comments. And this story today will, I think, very much be about this ego thing. As a matter of fact, maybe I'll just do a little psychology here before I do this story. So here's another diagram. I don't know if you can see this. The big circle and little circle in the middle. And actually the little circle inside the little circle. Can you see that? There's a big circle. And there's a little circle. And there's a little circle inside the little circle. Well, the big circle is our total being or our total mind. Total personality, you could say. The little circle is consciousness. And the little circle inside the little circle, which is also pretty much in the center of the little circle, is what we call the ego.

[25:24]

Okay, this is one psychological theory, which I think is useful for discussion. So the ego is the center of consciousness. But it's not the center of our whole life. And if we act like it is, we have all kinds of problems. All around consciousness is things that are unconscious and also things that have been put there. Some things we just don't know about and some things we don't want to know about. All those are outside of consciousness. And sometimes, one of the voices inside me sometimes I hear say is,

[26:29]

I can't stand it, or I can't stand this, or I can't go on. I sometimes hear that. And recently what I've been understanding is that this ego in the middle of consciousness is saying this. And I think what it's saying it can't do anymore is it can't go on being the center of the whole program. It can go on being what it is, namely a center of a certain part of what's going on. An important part. Plays an important role. But it can't go on with the pretense of being, for example, the one who gets credit for it all dropping away or something like that. That's not the ego's job. So I think the ego is the center of consciousness, but it's not the center of our life.

[27:37]

And we try, we not try, but we sometimes let it, we sometimes let the lie or the deception that it's the center of our life happen. Now, if it's the center of our life, then it's the center of the Dharma wheel turning all inclusively. It's the center of no excess and no deficiency. It's the center of Buddha nature. Then it gets enlightened. And it's enlightened. I mean, it's not, but it thinks that way. Then it gets credit for all the greatness of our total being. And if you let that happen, hopefully you will hear the same voice that I do when I let that happen, which is I can't stand this. I can't go on with this pretense.

[28:38]

We are great beings, but the center of consciousness is not the center of our great being. So now let me do the story and this will come up maybe more. So, this monk named Tao Pi was listening to his teacher. Remember his teacher is Tao Ying. Remember yesterday Tao Ying? Who are you? What's your name? Tao Ying. So Tao Ying was giving a talk to the monks. And the last two lines of this talk were what is important for Tao Pi.

[29:50]

But I'll read an abbreviated version of the whole talk so you can hear it in context. So, Yunzhu Daoyi is giving this talk. He says, when monks vomit out words, they should have a reason and not speak negligently. What do you think this place is? How can you take it easy? Whenever you are asked about this matter, you must be sufficiently aware of good and evil. The primary thing is, do not cling. If you cling, that isn't it.

[30:58]

If you are a person who thoroughly knows its existence, you will naturally know how to guard and preserve it. You won't be careless or hasty, but only speak once out of every ten times you are asked. Why? Because probably it would not do any good to speak. The thoroughly accomplished person is one whose mind is like a fan in winter, and mold grows around her lips from disuse. This is not forced.

[32:06]

It's natural. If you want to acquire such a thing, you must become such a person. Since you are such a person, why be anxious about such a thing? Upon hearing this, Tao Phi was awakened. If you want to acquire such a thing, you must become such a person. Since you are such a person, why be anxious about such a thing? They say it's natural.

[33:27]

But they also say that you must be sufficiently aware of good and evil. They say it's natural and not forced, like taking a nap in your room and somebody knocks at the door, you get up and say, come in, but we should not be deceiving ourselves at that time, and that's natural too. We are already such a person, why be anxious about it? We are already such a person who is able to be aware of good and evil, to notice our self-deception, and to live with it. Still, if we want to become or acquire such a thing, we must become such a person.

[34:36]

So, whoever is talking doesn't want to say whether the person wearing these robes was ever awakened or not. After Tao Phi became a teacher, a monk asked him a question, how can I stop mistaking my

[38:02]

reflection from my head? Now, this story which follows, I just want to say before I say it to you, that somehow it doesn't make sense to me the way it goes, but yet I don't feel like I can skip over it. The monk says, how can I stop mistaking my reflection from my head? And Tao Phi said, who are you talking to? The monk said, what is the right thing to do? Tao Phi said, if you seek from someone else, you'll get farther and farther away from it.

[39:09]

The monk asked, what about when I don't seek from someone else? Tao Phi said, where is your head? The monk asked, what is your family style? That time I understood it, it made sense that time, but I read it many times. Did that make sense to you? What is your family style? Yeah, there's an expression in Zen of family wind, actually, Ka Fu, which means, it's literally the character for house or family and the character for wind, it means the style of

[40:16]

teaching of the school, but literally it's house wind. So I guess I could say, after this conversation which didn't proceed by ordinary ways, I think the monk might be asking, how would you typify the style of this conversation we just had? I assume this is your family way of talking, which I was involved with at this time. So he says, what's your family style? And then Tao Phi says this thing, which we don't talk like this anymore, he said, the golden fowl, you know what a fowl is, Gautam? Fowl is like a chicken or a duck or a goose. Is that right? Is that what fowl are? Does fowl mean all kinds of birds or just...

[41:23]

Pardon? Birds that we eat? Birds that we eat? Game birds. Game birds. The golden fowl, embracing its young, returns to the milky way. The jade rabbit, pregnant, enters the purple sky. That's our family style? Is that an evasion? Maybe it goes pretty well with, if you seek from someone else, you get farther away from it. The monk asked, when you receive an unexpected guest, how will you welcome her? Tao Phi said, a monkey plucks the golden fruit early in the morning.

[42:30]

The phoenix munches on jade flowers at night. Having been able to know the true realm through what his former teacher, Tao Ying, had said, Tao Phi expressed the style of his house in this way. The golden fowl returns to the milky way. The jade rabbit enters the sky. And when welcoming people, he said, the golden fruit is picked daily. Jade flowers are munched every night. And then, Khe San Zenji says, although there are neither superiority nor inferiority in

[43:32]

the stories of Zen practice, you should study this story carefully, or these stories carefully. The reason is, if you want to acquire such a thing, you must become such a person. Even though you mistakenly look for your head, even though you mistakenly are looking for your own head, this looking itself is your head. As the founder, Dogen, said, who am I? I am the one who asks, who? Or, who says I?

[44:35]

It is I who says, who? Now, there is a teaching in Buddhism which I think you all have heard about. It is called the teaching of anatta, the teaching of no-self or not-self or non-self. But, it is pretty subtle what this not-self means, and this story is about this not-self. You are already such a person. You are already a not-self.

[45:42]

Since you are already this not-self, why be anxious about such a thing? It is a place where, since we are such a person, why be anxious about such a thing? It is a place where, if you want to acquire such a thing, you must become such a person. It is a place, since you already are such a person, and simultaneously you must become such a person. Since we must become such a person, we feel we should be anxious, but since we already are such a person, we don't have to be anxious. Or, why be anxious? Yes? Since you are already such a person, why be anxious?

[46:45]

I think that he got that from the story. I think that, if you look at the Phugan's Asangi, you can find that almost everything in there is like a little quote from something else. It is like a string of quotes that make sense altogether, but really it is almost everything there has been said before. Like, there is another confession here by another Zen teacher, and the introduction says, If you understand and can make use of it on the road, it is like a dragon reaching the water, like a tiger entering the mountains. And this is an introduction to a Zen teacher saying, at the end of the summer retreat,

[47:48]

he says to the community, All summer long I have been talking to you. Look and see if my eyebrows are still there. And there is an expression that, when you teach Dharma, you are kind of looking down, and if you say too much, or if you speak the Dharma falsely, your eyebrows will fall out. So that is kind of what I am saying too. I have been speaking to you this whole practice period. Please look and see if my eyebrows have fallen out. In this place, in this realm, where since you already are such a person, and you must

[49:08]

become such a person, in this realm they say that the wind doesn't go through. The winds of discrimination don't go through this realm. And the ego, the center of consciousness, the center of discriminating consciousness, can be a host, welcoming people to this realm. The ego is not sitting in the middle of this realm, but the ego can think about being in the middle and screw it up, or say, Hey, I've got nothing to do with this, and not do its job.

[50:09]

The ego can guide guests, which means us, which means each of us ourselves, can guide us into this place, can say, Come on, come on in, sit down. This is a strong ego. It's necessary to stand and do its job of guiding us to the center of our life, where we are already such a person, and we must become such a person. Where it is I who says who. Good people, when you penetrate thoroughly and fully and know this place, you realize you have possessed it since time immemorial, and that it has never been absent for one

[51:16]

second. Even though you seek it through your thought, that itself is the self and nothing else. I couldn't hear you. Like a knife cutting itself? Yeah, like that. And the ego is not there, but the ego can encourage us to return there and not take credit for this intimacy, to know its place. It's not at the dead center of intimacy.

[52:20]

But the realization of that intimacy pervades the whole body and mind, and the ego can enjoy it too. Especially it can know that it's done its job well and not gotten in the way, but also not been lazy and said, I'm not going to participate if I can't be in the middle. Or, another way to say I'm not going to participate if I can't be in the middle is to say, I'm unworthy to do this job. I'm too lowly. I'm too miserable to do this job. I'm too evil. I've done too much bad stuff, therefore I can't do it. The ego has a job to do. It guides us into this room to sit down and find out perhaps what's going on.

[53:23]

So, even though you seek it, even though you seek this realm of, since you are already such a person, why be anxious about such a thing? Even if you seek this realm through thought, that itself is still the self and nothing else. Even if you try to seek this realm through thought, that itself is the self and nothing else. That itself is this true no-self self and nothing else. Just like you said earlier, even though you mistakenly look for your own head, this looking is itself your head. You can't find this realm through thought, just like you can't find your own head.

[54:41]

But looking for your own head is your head, and looking for this realm with your mind itself is what you're looking for. It is I who says who. Who is it that says I? Well, don't say in Buddhism there isn't a self, but the self is, as you see, even reflecting inwardly on yourself is not discrimination. It is self and not something new. Using your eyes, ears, mouth, opening your hand and moving your feet, these are all self. Fundamentally, it is not grasped with the hands or seen with the eyes.

[55:50]

Using the hands, using the eyes, opening the hands, moving the feet are all the self, but the hands can't grasp the self. They are the self. Therefore, it cannot be discussed in terms of sounds or forms and is not approached with the eyes or ears. Using the eyes and ears are all the self. When you see it fully, you will doubtlessly know that there is an I and know that there is a self. If you want to know the place, if you want to know this place, when you toss out right

[56:54]

and wrong for the first time and do not depend on others or get involved with them, this mind shines naturally with a brightness brighter than the sun and moon. Its purity is purer than snow and frost. It is not blind or unaware of right and wrong, even though it throws them out. This self is spontaneously manifested pure and bright. The view that fundamentally there is no self or other and not a single thing exists is the view of nihilism. This realm of since you are already such a person and you must become such a person,

[58:03]

this realm where the wind of discrimination doesn't reach, this realm where looking for your head is already your head, you cannot say that it is existent and you cannot say that it is not existent. You will not be able to say it exists because it is empty and clear. You will not be able to say it's not existent because it is bright and keenly aware. It cannot be discriminated with body, mouth, mind, nor can it be discerned with mind, conceptualization or perception. Yes? I don't understand. Since you are already such a person and you must become such a person,

[59:08]

why are they in the same realm? Yes. On the one hand, you don't have to do anything, and on the other hand, you have to put forth some effort in the same way, but you don't have to do it in the same way. It's because the kind of person you are is that you must become yourself. That's the type of creature that the self is. However, you don't have to be anxious about that necessarily, because since you are such a person, you must become such a person. The type of person you already are is one that must become such. The important point is not to deceive myself into thinking that the self exists or doesn't exist. If I say it exists, then if I'm already such a person, it's already over.

[60:15]

But it doesn't exist, therefore I must become it. If I say it doesn't exist, well, then I'm going to be quite anxious, because I'm not such a person. The self is so bright and dynamic and intense, it won't sit in existence or non-existence. It won't sit over on the side of, well, I'm already such a person so I can relax. It's more like I'm already such a person so I can work. But I don't have to be anxious about it or try to get anything. But the mind, the discriminating consciousness, and its center, the ego, would like to drag this radiant self into its own realm and blow discriminating wind through it. But this wind of discrimination does not reach this realm.

[61:16]

However, trying to reach this realm with discriminating awareness is already it. Your life effort is it. Just like using your eyes, your ears, your nose, your mouth, your hands and your feet, that's the self. But trying to grasp the self with these things doesn't work. I'm describing this realm, and the main thing to watch out for is be aware of good and evil and watch out to make sure you're not deceiving yourself about it. So, you saying that you don't understand, that you have trouble settling with this dynamic here, this paradox, right? That sounds to me like an honest statement. And in a way, a good statement.

[62:22]

It would be evil if I would say, I understand that, from the point of view of the host of consciousness. The host of consciousness doesn't really understand this. But the host should encourage himself to visit that realm, to go to that center. So, in this realm, you're like a dragon entering the water, the ocean. You're like a tiger in the mountains. It's not like you're a dead tiger floating in the ocean or a dried up dragon up in the mountains. You have a function, a wonderful function. In other words, constantly becoming this wonderful person.

[63:25]

Golden fowl embracing its young returns to the Milky Way. That's what it's like, I guess, in our family style of where's your head. How do you feel? Pardon? How do you stand it? This ego cannot stand it and I wouldn't ask him to. Just move him off to the side where he belongs and let him be kind of an usher or sell peanuts, you know. He can do that, she can do that. Just don't try to ask her to be in the middle of the whole thing and take credit for it. Even though, since she's in the center of this conscious world, she has a tendency to want to be in the center of the real world. I know that one.

[64:32]

How do you move her off to the center? Put her to work sending you to the center. She'll be happy doing that work. It's really good work. Meantime, she can continue to be, you know, in the center of consciousness and use all that intelligence of being in the center of consciousness to make the most interesting and creative encouragement to realizing the true center of our life. And that's the important part about that she should be aware of the possibility of deception because if she doesn't catch her deception, she'll become less creative and have less ability to encourage settling into the true self, which is the self that everything we do is it

[65:35]

and nothing we do can get it. Everything we do realizes it, but if you try to use anything you're doing to get it, it won't work. The primary point is do not cling. If you cling, that's not it. So he says at the end, how can I convey this truth? Kaizen says, seeing in oneself, excuse me, seeking in oneself with empty hands, you return with empty hands. In the place where fundamentally nothing is acquired, you acquire it. Let the ego

[66:39]

encourage us to go to this place, this empty field of clear awareness. And being empty, it is everything in our life. It is even our deception when we see our deception as our deception. When we first discover our deceptions, the ego wants to disqualify the whole operation. But after a while, it can let the deception be deception, and deception itself is your head, is yourself. So I really can't go on

[67:46]

but I don't want to be self-indulgent about that and think that it won't go on. I can't go on, but it will go on. It will go on. This realm will not be scratched or undermined in the slightest bit by the fact that I can't go on or I can't stand it. But I can encourage somebody to go sit there and participate in this wonderful vehicle. And I do encourage somebody to do that. And also if I try to get there myself, that's okay too. I just won't be able to get anything if I cling the slightest bit or try to bring myself into the center to get credit for this wonder. That's all. Thank you.

[68:58]

How about you? Did that go over your head? Good. That was true Dharma. It looked like it. Gotcha. Did it? Right. Right. Right. So that one that's trying to understand, get him to switch over to getting other people to understand of herding people into the place where, if you try to get it, if you go into it willingly,

[70:00]

knowing that you can't attain anything, you'll get something. Encourage everybody to go there. And when they're all gone, you jump in there too. I have more stories of deception if you want to hear them sometime. If there's nothing else, you can sit. Is there anything else you want to bring up now? Yes. What can you get us into?

[71:08]

Well, just since I may not, you know, who knows what's going to happen in the future, I would just say now that the the ego didn't want to get exposed to what it got exposed to yesterday, but it became aware of some stuff that it had been only partially or quite unaware of. I mean, I was sort of there when I did those covering up things, but somehow the ego met the shadow yesterday on a number of occasions. And that brought a lot of energy into my life

[72:13]

when I saw all these deceptions I'd been doing, and now the ego knows about them better than it has for quite a while. The shadow is not quite so dark. And at first when the ego found out about this, the ego said, I can't go on, I can't stand this, and got kind of depressed. But there was a recovery and a moving forward after that because there was energy released, and also there was a realization that the ego doesn't have to be in a position where all this stuff that I'd been trying to cover up needs to be covered up. That it's only if I have to be pretending to be something that I can't admit this stuff. So realizing the shadow helps the ego move into a more appropriate position

[73:18]

and be a more appropriate thing and be more flexible and therefore be a better servant to the whole system. The ego is a great servant. We have to use it. And when it meets the shadow after it gets over the initial horror and depression, it moves. And it's not so stuck where it was. It's more useful. In this particular case, the shadow came just from talking about the teaching of no false speech, seeing what happened to you folks, and also it came from... Actually, the important point is it came from the fact that you people supported me to do something which the ego arranged. The ego made this plan for these lectures

[74:19]

and I was supported by you to do them. And by being able to do them, I got to see in some way how it didn't work and how stupid it was. And that led to one thing after another started to open up. But if you people had protected me from such a stupid plan and not supported me, I wouldn't have been able to actually realize my shadow so well. Does that make sense? Cassandra looks like it's kind of hard to understand that. In other words, I often want to try things that are

[75:20]

maybe a little dangerous or foolhardy and if people don't let me do them, I can't find out. But by you people supporting me, doing various foolhardy things, I've been able to see how foolish I am. That's very helpful. In other words, without support, it's hard to meet the shadow. Pardon? Well, when you meet the shadow, you don't have to really know you meet the shadow. Knowing that you're really doing something is not the realm of the shadow. Wanting to be in a place where you really know what's happening, that ain't the shadow. The shadow knows, not you. So, I have some clues that I met the shadow. I saw some things

[76:24]

which I had been denying. I saw some things which I felt bad about. I saw some things which made me feel like I can't go on pretending to be certain things which I was pretending to be. I saw some, I saw many pretenses I was involved in. That's not the way I ordinarily walk around thinking. So, looks like shadow to me. And also, I got a lot of energy and also I got a little depressed. Various things that happen when you meet the shadow happened to me. So, those are some of the reasons why I think I met the shadow. I don't say I had a total all-out integration with the shadow in one day. No, it takes a long time. If you did it in one day, you probably would not be able... I mean, you probably would go into total collapse. It probably wouldn't be helpful to do it in one day. It wasn't built in one day. It won't be integrated in one day. But I sometimes think

[77:24]

it might be able to be integrated a little bit faster than it was built. But maybe it's about the same time. If it took 40 some years to build it, it may take 40 years to unbuild it. But it didn't take 40 years to build it because I haven't been spending all my time doing that. But it might take 10, 20 years to really totally integrate it. I don't know. Anyway, it gets speeded up when you sit, I think. And I think so some of you might meet the shadow in a few minutes yourself. So I won't hold you up any longer unless somebody wants to say something. Yes? What was so stupid about the plan for your natural splendor as a young man? Well, like I said, it was just like covering too much material. It was a great idea. The ego thought it was a wonderful idea. In the realm of thought, I thought it was a perfectly good thought.

[78:25]

But, you know, I also knew it was unrealistic. And I also knew that to do something unrealistic might lead to some frustration. And other people knew that too. And yet, he supported me to go ahead. And in fact, that's what happened. And in that frustration and all that, things started moving and questions started arising and I discovered some things I didn't plan on discovering. Some things were uncovered in that frustration that I wasn't planning on meeting. You said that at Stanford you were saying that's where they were going for the past. You said well, you could go and study all of it and you could just try the same thing in a different, certain way. Right. I think that's a good idea. I mean, I'm almost disappointed that today it's slowing down. Yeah. I mean, it's a problem, isn't it? No, I still agree with what I said. That's still good. And the person

[79:27]

who said that, after he said that, got a present which is part of that too. Right? So you open up to the so-called Dharma teaching and part of what you get is a whole bunch of stuff about yourself. It's like, that's the funny thing is when you start denying this then you deny that too. When you start denying these little things about yourself you start denying a whole bunch of things about other aspects of reality. That's the problem with it. Similarly, when you start admitting your own stuff you start opening up to this Dharma stuff too. So, deception starts to spread over everything and telling the truth then starts spreading over everything. So, if you just sit there and open to the to a teaching about whatever and don't try to sort of like get a hold of it then you might do the same thing with a whole bunch of things about yourself

[80:27]

which nobody even brought up. And then as a result of getting exposed to that then you turn back to this and you get exposed to that. So, uncovering stuff and letting go of our clinging and opening up is really, you know, it's kind of like a chain reaction. And lying is the same way. That's why it's so good to tell the truth and such a problem to lie. I've heard of that in the past in the way of re-invigorating the practice of deceit. Anything else this morning? Well, I just thought I needed to add this. That telling the truth

[81:28]

is not the way out. Pardon? Telling the truth is not the way out. Is not the way out. In other words, this is sort of like when we're talking about ego, how when we discover something about ourselves whatever it is we discover it seems to me it just becomes a little bit more selfish. I discover that I tell a lie so then I make this effort to tell the truth but I see when I'm telling the truth I'm telling the truth I'm just not acknowledging that I'm telling the truth. So in a way it looks to me like it's just a matter of everything that I do makes a difference but what that difference is is completely unfounded. It's just sort of if I see that I did something that I feel it wasn't the right thing to do

[82:30]

or I hurt somebody I have to still accept the fact that I did it and whatever the consequences are I had the difference that it was supposed to have. Right, in a way like that I don't quite know how to explain it but it was just like when I was a child it was just another element If I try to fix it I try to fix it but it's not legal. Discouraging part is

[83:37]

I don't know how to act. Encouraging part is that I know I'm not supposed to. And you're not supposed to to know how to act. Another part of you wants to know how to act and it's kind of frustrating that you don't know. And now what should the ego recommend? Right. Good question. Good recommendation.

[84:24]

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